Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Lemoncake · Dec 28, 2018 at 01:09 AM

Possible trigger:

I made it to day 10. You come back in 12. So half way there at 10.5 in 4 hours time. I watched my mother sit and cry yesterday and I hated him more than anything. The advert on TV that used to play for a decorating store used to go "make your house a home". I haven't got one. And he repeats the same sentence over and over again: do you know how much I love you? Yes I know. If he loved us he would have treated us better.

I always do the same thing, because I can't let my sisters go. Come back and visit and then cry to you all about it. I'm so sad T. So very sad.

I leave on the 31st and my next exam is on the 10th. Now I don't see the point of doing my exams early and pushing myself to go all out and finish 3 weeks before the end of examination period which is the 15th of february - so I can come back to this?

Mully · Dec 28, 2018 at 01:12 AM

You had to cancel my appt today because you are sick. I get it. But emotionally, it sucks. I needed you. And it reminds me that I pay you to listen, but you aren’t really there. I need a friend for times like this... but I don’t have any. If I had someone to talk to, to vent to, then I wouldn’t feel like such a loser. I can’t have friends though. No one can know about me. I have to stay invisible. I spent money that I shouldn’t have and I’m even more anxious. IDK... maybe it just won’t get better. This sudden two week holiday of yours combined with another three week gap at the end of January is more than I can handle. But no one cares... including you. And that just makes me more sad.

LabRat27 · 02:40 AM

I did some things you wouldn't approve of today.
But as bad choices go they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.
Maybe I want to remind you not to get your hopes up or have too much faith in me. Maybe I want to remind you that it's not that easy. Maybe you've let yourself care too much because you've forgotten that I am not a safe person to care about.
I thought you knew better. I thought I'd finally managed to find a therapist who would be able to keep enough distance to be completely unaffected. Then I wouldn't have to feel guilty.

You weren't supposed to let me trick you into thinking I matter.

Echos Myron redux · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:19 AM

Okay I really need this break to be over now. I miss you and I hate it.

Anne2.0 · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I AM GOING TO ACT OUT

Edit: wtf, we can't do all-caps?

It appears that you can.

Anne2.0 · Dec 28, 2018 at 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I understand. I meant, that after you added some lowercase stuff to your post, it would let you keep your caps. Thats why i wrote NOW you can. I like to teach by example. I'm old.

Thanks, Professor Emeritus Una.

LostOnTheTrail · Dec 28, 2018 at 09:27 AM

Anger is hard. And yet anger is where I am. Every ****ing night that scene repeats on a loop. What the hell am I supposed to do with it?

Dec 28, 2018 at 10:01 AM

Yesterday was 3 weeks since we ended. Time is moving forward so quickly.

LonesomeTonight · Dec 28, 2018 at 10:08 AM

Dear T,
Of course I'm overthinking what you asked me about H...pretty sure we need to discuss it more on Sunday. And...some of the stuff I was reading online seems to apply to you as well? Hm...it would explain some things! But of course I won't ask you about that. Will keep the focus on H.
Love,
LT

Lemoncake · Dec 28, 2018 at 10:57 AM

My mother told my father that she wants a divorce, but I know that nothing will come from this.They'll just keep doing the same old thing. I'm stupidly low and ready to go back,then when I get there again. I know I'll be hit with a different kind of sadness- of just being alone with my plants.

DP_2017 · Dec 28, 2018 at 10:58 AM

Now we both are officially done with therapy... only difference is, you are ok with it all ending, you were not close to him. I hope you are ok and can somehow work through things anyway, you have a lot to work through.

12:00 PM

L regardless of the fact that my psyche knew it was time, and i continue to feel like we did the right thing, it's still a profound loss. I know it could be worse though, and that makes me feel like I somehow don't have the right to be sad about saying goodbye to you.

LabRat27 · Dec 28, 2018 at 12:25 PM

I'm making worse decisions

Possible trigger:

Rules for myself, not partly subconscious shift in behavior. More extreme. Not that bad, but y'know.

If it continues and I tell you, you're going to overreact and be concerned. And then when it goes away on its own, as it usually does, I'll feel ashamed telling you. The "right" thing feels like the wrong shameful thing.

Telling you will make it worse, especially if you're concerned, especially if you regularly ask me about it. I'll worry that I was faking it for attention and don't have enough self control. I'll feel guilty for having concerned you if it ends up being fine. I'll be ashamed, so I'll keep doing it so I don't have to face the shame of telling you it's back to normal.

This is super normal and healthy and not distorted thinking at all /s

So please don't get concerned. Please don't overreact. Please don't follow up by asking about it later. Please understand that that really would make it worse.

junkDNA · Dec 28, 2018 at 12:37 PM

Silence hurts worse than anything

I told you that my moms denial mom's silence was 100% more traumatic for me than the CSa. The fact that she could have stopped it

I feel u are my mom right now...u could help but u wont .for whatever reasons...I'm sure u think it's the right thing to do...most people feel that way about such things

I want to kms out of sheer SPITE. I want u to feel guilty and regretful. I want u to be the one to blamr.i want to leave this earth and make everyone else deal with it......like I've been the one to deal with everything by myself

So ****.you.

SlumberKitty · Dec 28, 2018 at 12:43 PM

HUGS JunkDNA. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope you start to feel better soon. HUGS

Lemoncake · 03:03 PM

Possible trigger:

And they're arguing and swearing at each other again.

I'm distracting myself with yet another movie, and rereading an old email that i marked as unread so it would seem like it was new.

SlumberKitty · Dec 28, 2018 at 02:37 PM

Dear T and former T:

Possible trigger:

well I couldn't delay it anymore, I had to cut. I have to be careful because I'm at work but I can already feel it helping me a little. Problem is, I need to do more, which is what always happens.

I wish you were here so I could talk to you. I wish I could see you or email you or something so I could get some support. I know what I did was wrong, but I just couldn't handle this depression anymore. I wonder if you will understand. Kit

Lemoncake · Dec 28, 2018 at 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Silence hurts worse than anything

I told you that my moms denial mom's silence was 100% more traumatic for me than the CSa. The fact that she could have stopped it

I feel u are my mom right now...u could help but u wont .for whatever reasons...I'm sure u think it's the right thing to do...most people feel that way about such things

I want to kms out of sheer SPITE. I want u to feel guilty and regretful. I want u to be the one to blamr.i want to leave this earth and make everyone else deal with it......like I've been the one to deal with everything by myself

So ****.you.

Please try to stay safe. We're here if you want to talk.

SlumberKitty · Dec 28, 2018 at 05:25 PM

Dear T and Former T:

Possible trigger:

So I think cutting is falling into a spiral for me today, already I've had three cutting sessions--all at work no less, I know I need to get out of the spiral ASAP but I'm sucked in because it is making me feel better momentarily

Former T: if I emailed, would you respond? Would you respond in a way that's helpful?
T: What are you going to say on the 2nd when I have to tell you what I've been up to? I imagine you aren't going to be happy with me. But I remember very clearly you saying that it's not about you, so maybe you will be like nothing happened. Will you insist on seeing it? I always get afraid it won't be bad enough

Possible trigger:

then I do more and deeper

so I hope you don't ask to see it. I want to curl up in a ball and just be numb and let all the pain pass. Curl up under the blankets and sleep until I feel better. Kit

Spangle · Dec 28, 2018 at 06:09 PM

Dear t
I’ve not seen you for 9 days & won’t see you for another 11. Not that I’m counting or anything. Thank you for recharging my stone for me as I needed it yesterday. I know you’ve not abandoned me, but I really miss you.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

My Support Forums

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 08:19 AM #484 Okay I really need this break to be over now. I miss you and I hate it.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 28, 2018 at 10:01 AM #488 Yesterday was 3 weeks since we ended. Time is moving forward so quickly.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,730 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 10:08 AM #489 Dear T, Of course I'm overthinking what you asked me about H...pretty sure we need to discuss it more on Sunday. And...some of the stuff I was reading online seems to apply to you as well? Hm...it would explain some things! But of course I won't ask you about that. Will keep the focus on H. Love, LT

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 10:58 AM #491 Now we both are officially done with therapy... only difference is, you are ok with it all ending, you were not close to him. I hope you are ok and can somehow work through things anyway, you have a lot to work through. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 28, 2018 at 11:33 AM #492 L regardless of the fact that my psyche knew it was time, and i continue to feel like we did the right thing, it's still a profound loss. I know it could be worse though, and that makes me feel like I somehow don't have the right to be sad about saying goodbye to you. Last edited by Anonymous43207; Dec 28, 2018 at 12:00 PM..

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 12:43 PM #495 HUGS JunkDNA. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope you start to feel better soon. HUGS

Spangle Poohbah Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Somewhere out there Posts: 1,100 6 929 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 06:09 PM #500 Dear t I’ve not seen you for 9 days & won’t see you for another 11. Not that I’m counting or anything. Thank you for recharging my stone for me as I needed it yesterday. I know you’ve not abandoned me, but I really miss you.