Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

RaineD · Dec 28, 2018 at 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Silence hurts worse than anything

I told you that my moms denial mom's silence was 100% more traumatic for me than the CSa. The fact that she could have stopped it

I feel u are my mom right now...u could help but u wont .for whatever reasons...I'm sure u think it's the right thing to do...most people feel that way about such things

I want to kms out of sheer SPITE. I want u to feel guilty and regretful. I want u to be the one to blamr.i want to leave this earth and make everyone else deal with it......like I've been the one to deal with everything by myself

So ****.you.

Is your T not talking to you because you used again? FWIW, I know this is an approach that's popular with chemical dependency people--the idea that you have to threaten a person's social connections to get them to stop using.

I think this approach is outdated and contrary to addiction research. I'm sorry your T isn't talking to you.

Dec 28, 2018 at 07:57 PM

I still can't believe all of these memories and parts were out of my awareness for so long. When does it ever stop. It felt good that you were sweet and reassuring towards the end; that was a surprise.

After hearing about your holiday, my afterthoughts keep gravitating to my jealousy for your wife. What you told me about her reminds me of how I am when I was happier. I hardly ever am embarrassed to tell you anything, but for some reason, am embarrassed about this. I will still tell you next time we meet. I still want to be your wife.

ps you're still so cute

nottrustin · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:15 PM

Ugh. I stupidly watched a show that has a tendency to trigger my PTSD. I don't know why I did it other than it is an episode I saw before and thought it was safe. I was wrong. Then your voice came into my head asking why I watched it. I have no idea why. Then as soon as it ended the commercial came in where the lady fell down the stairs bead first and is screaming for help. I hate that commercial because it makes me have horrible images of your fall. Emdr T will not understand so no point mentioning it

piggy momma · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:19 PM

I have something really difficult to tell you tomorrow. I purposely didn't email it to you, because I've decided that working through the emotions surrounding it is a critical part of the therapy. I can't wait to see you.

junkDNA · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

Is your T not talking to you because you used again? FWIW, I know this is an approach that's popular with chemical dependency people--the idea that you have to threaten a person's social connections to get them to stop using.

I think this approach is outdated and contrary to addiction research. I'm sorry your T isn't talking to you.

Echos Myron redux · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:21 PM

I miiiiiisss yooooou

LabRat27 · Dec 28, 2018 at 08:33 PM

I'm at the point where the right thing feels like the wrong thing and the wrong thing feels like the right thing.
This is why seeing you twice a week has made such a difference. It helps me steer back in the right direction before I get too far off track.
6 more days.

Dec 28, 2018 at 08:34 PM

...and please don't use the phrase "unrequited love" when I discuss with you.

I hate it when you say that!!

Out There · Dec 28, 2018 at 09:18 PM

I know this is healing , but it sure doesn't feel like it right now ....

Dec 28, 2018 at 10:30 PM

L, I finished your poem tonite. Wish I'd have been able to write it sooner.

Anastasia~ · Dec 28, 2018 at 10:39 PM

It has been nice to be off for this week and some of next week. Work has been getting better. I feel somewhat normal. I appreciate that you helped me through all of this.

LabRat27 · Dec 28, 2018 at 11:50 PM

I'm angry about the abandonment thing. Again.
Rationally I understand that you taking a few weeks off isn't abandonment. But I'm alone with my feelings and it hurts and I need you and you're not here.

And the last session was a lot of emotional intensity and I'm feeling and processing so many things. And I'm having to do it alone. What were you thinking??

And I can't accept the compassion and emotional intimacy, so now I'm going to be angry at you instead of vulnerable. I need to push you away. But instead of being able to talk it over before I can completely convince myself of these awful things, I'm stuck with these awful thoughts that feel more and more believable every day.

susannahsays · Dec 29, 2018 at 01:44 AM

I am so angry. I don't even know why or who I'm mad at.

Well, actually, right now I'm mad at C because I want to go to the session on Monday. I feel like confronting you. About what? I don't know; I haven't come up with a pretense yet.

RaineD · Dec 29, 2018 at 02:30 AM

Today, while driving to lunch, I suddenly had a mental image of myself wrapping my arms around you and kissing you on the cheek. I was thinking how I wished you had accepted the Christmas present I gave you last year. I just wanted you to take your husband to that restaurant. I thought it'd be fun.

Anyway, I started crying. When I got to the place where I was meeting my co-workers for lunch, one of them was standing outside as I pulled into the parking lot. I don't know if he saw the tears on my face.

But I liked those tears. The pain, the longing, they make me feel closer to you.

I still miss you.

Lemoncake · Dec 29, 2018 at 05:14 AM

I'm feeling better today. You come back in only 10 days!

I leave the day after tomorrow. Then it's back to studying.

Echos Myron redux · Dec 29, 2018 at 06:43 AM

You undercharge. Like, a lot.

Merope · Dec 29, 2018 at 07:35 AM

I can't stand anything anymore. I hate this period.

lucozader · Dec 29, 2018 at 07:51 AM

I miss you, R, and I miss how much I missed you this time last year. I don't miss M very much at all.

This sucks.

I wonder if you're going off somewhere to take pictures of lizards.

winterblues17 · Dec 29, 2018 at 08:32 AM

I'm ill so this might be feverish, medicated nonsense, but I'm so sad, I feel so alone. So much seems to be happening and half of it I haven't even been able to tell u.
So I'm laying here cos I can't do much else, and I'm thinking about how different it was this time last year. We were on a break then aswell, but I felt secure with u and happy with how this was going, I felt close and that I had u on my side and with u there I could accomplish life, roll on a year, u leaving me, alone, no contact, nothing! Telling me to reach to another T for support, how do I even do that. Firstly the relationship with u took many months to form, and secondly I don't trust in therapy or therapists anymore cos look where that's got me.

DP_2017 · Dec 29, 2018 at 09:03 AM

I miss you so much. Do you miss me like you said you would? I'm gonna go with no.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 08:19 PM #504 I have something really difficult to tell you tomorrow. I purposely didn't email it to you, because I've decided that working through the emotions surrounding it is a critical part of the therapy. I can't wait to see you.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,160 6 1,833 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 08:21 PM #506 I miiiiiisss yooooou

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 08:33 PM #507 I'm at the point where the right thing feels like the wrong thing and the wrong thing feels like the right thing. This is why seeing you twice a week has made such a difference. It helps me steer back in the right direction before I get too far off track. 6 more days.

Anonymous56789 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 28, 2018 at 08:34 PM #508 ...and please don't use the phrase "unrequited love" when I discuss with you. I hate it when you say that!!

Out There Legendary Member Since Oct 2015 Location: England Posts: 11,355 (SuperPoster!) 8 14.6k hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 09:18 PM #509 I know this is healing , but it sure doesn't feel like it right now .... __________________ "Trauma happens - so does healing "

Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 28, 2018 at 10:30 PM #510 L, I finished your poem tonite. Wish I'd have been able to write it sooner.

Anastasia~ Poohbah Member Since Jul 2017 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1,019 6 5,296 hugs given	Dec 28, 2018 at 10:39 PM #511 It has been nice to be off for this week and some of next week. Work has been getting better. I feel somewhat normal. I appreciate that you helped me through all of this. __________________

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 01:44 AM #513 I am so angry. I don't even know why or who I'm mad at. Well, actually, right now I'm mad at C because I want to go to the session on Monday. I feel like confronting you. About what? I don't know; I haven't come up with a pretense yet.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,692 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 05:14 AM #515 I'm feeling better today. You come back in only 10 days! I leave the day after tomorrow. Then it's back to studying. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,160 6 1,833 hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 06:43 AM #516 You undercharge. Like, a lot.

Merope Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2018 Location: Somewhere in a cloud Posts: 719 6 479 hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 07:35 AM #517 I can't stand anything anymore. I hate this period.

lucozader Most Dangerous Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 2,920 7 7,642 hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 07:51 AM #518 I miss you, R, and I miss how much I missed you this time last year. I don't miss M very much at all. This sucks. I wonder if you're going off somewhere to take pictures of lizards.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Dec 29, 2018 at 09:03 AM #520 I miss you so much. Do you miss me like you said you would? I'm gonna go with no. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.