Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Dear T,
Of course, after saying on here that you're rarely in my dreams, you show up in one last night, when I'm seeing you at 9:30 this morning. We were at a party, and you put your arm around me, like to greet me, and it was nice. And then touched my shoulder and said, "Oh good, you're not cold" (???). Debating whether to tell you about that or not...
Love,
LT

You do Sunday sessions now? I didn't realize T's even met clients on Sundays. Interesting.

I always talked about my dreams to T, except for the one that I know would have scared him.... and he didn't seem phased.... I guess it depends how important you think it is to share. Might be more important issues to discuss....

Had a dream about you last night. I was in a house that I know wasnt really your house but in the dream it was. It was after your death and I was going through all the rooms looking for you but knowing you weren't there. It was very safe and soothing. The last room was my mom's room. I was confused and then woke up. Trying to figure out if there is a meaning. I wonder if it had anything to do with me insisting you didn't play a maternal roll for me. Aunt or something but never a mom. I had a great mom. Since your passing I have come to realize you were like a mom to me in some ways. It is all so confusing and feels like it is a dishonor to my mom.

Just during the holidays--like last week he wasn't in on Monday or Tuesday due to Christmas. This week he's in tomorrow but didn't really want to have session right before going out with friends for New Year's Eve. And he does see some clients on Sundays during the school year since he works some with teens.

You tell me I'm supposed to learn how to deal with people who are antisocial, psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and voyeurs!! Maybe there are more....

Are you for real???

I'm not a therapist you know.

Hello, hello.

Admit it you're kinda shocked- 12 days in and I haven't contacted you yet.

LT it's up to you to disclose whatever you feel comfortable with, but what do you think holds you back from telling him?

My t works Sunday thru thursday

It's hard to look on these sites sometimes and see all the other ts that stick it out with there clients. I know stuff happens in life, but still some things only really seem to happen to me. That's probably why I end up with abandonment issues

Yep, I find myself reading a lot less posts here lately, it's just too hard. I feel hated and like I messed up... being punished for being me.

It's **** but I get it, hang in there

I think partly not knowing what his reaction will be. Though he doesn't put a whole lot of stock in dreams in general. And because then it might lead to a whole discussion about attraction and ET, and I don't know where that will go. Because the second part of the dream, which I didn't mention here, that's definitely an ET thing, or at least an "I'm trying to avoid dealing with ET" thing. Didn't share today, but maybe Thursday, not sure.

Not sure a trigger warning is really necessary, but just in case, in second part of dream

I personally don't see the point in talking about ET with therapists... it has to be weird for them, even if they are "trained" in it.... and it's weird for the client... maybe it's a better topic to discuss places like here and such where people know and the part you shared isn't a big deal, I wouldn't even call it ET, I'd call that being a straight woman LOL... it happens.... men look, women look-- even ones in relationships.

Yeah I know exactly what you mean. What can we do other than just hang on in there, but it def causes worthless feelings

The point of therapy isn't to avoid "weird" conversations, sometimes those discussions are the most enlightening. What is being discovered about yourself in those uncomfortable and conventionally unacceptable interactions? What does the therapist's counter-transference tell you, what kind of light is being shed on those darker, awkward parts of the self? The idea that you can even get close to that level of analysis and discovery on a site like this seems naive.

Umm stop putting people down who disagree with you, you are not the all mighty of anything. We are allowed different views. I don't see the point in going to therapy and saying every little thought you have. That doesn't mean people can't, I just don't get it.

I don't need to "discover" anything.... I don't do the deep digging, I already know my issues. Why they are there isn't a factor for me..... I just want to get rid of them or manage them.

I've done plenty of awkward convos in therapy, but based on things I've read online for ET.... it seems like a really un-needed convo.... does it REALLY matter or help? No... just "Getting it out there" but honestly most therapists already know or suspect it anyway.

Also ET is really common, it's about as natural in therapy as crushing on someone in school... do you really need to analyze it? LOL... just go with it... it will pass, it's not like you are gonna date or anything.

I really miss you. I bet you are probably having another Sunday in, doing laundry and sleeping. Those are my kind of days.

This idea that I am trying to disallow your opinion if very confusing to me. I am stating my opinion and describing something of my experience - how is this silencing you? We are disagreeing on a forum, isn't that part of its function? You can't reasonably expect that people will read your posts and not interact with them, sometimes to support you and sometimes to state an alternative view.

It seems we have different approaches to life and to therapy. For me, almost no conversation is un-needed and there is often value to be found in even the most unlikely interaction. You have written off deep work and have decided that ET is a useless device based on vicarious experience. That's not the incurious attitude for me, but I am pleased that it has worked well for you.

Not everyone can take that safe boundary for granted.

Not sure a trigger warning is really necessary, but just in case, in second part of dream
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Yep, this is just appreciation of aesthetics thought we were going to have you ripping off that sweater and jumping him...obvs I need to get out more!

I do agree that there is benefit to having weird and uncomfortable discussions in therapy. Sometimes I have to risk sharing/discussing something scary in order to learn about myself and move forward. Or it could be that difficult/weird thing is causing some sort of block in the therapy, like the proverbial 800-lb. gorilla in the room. So if I don't talk about it, it's keeping me from feeling as open and safe as I could be. And that might keep me from discussing other topics.

As part of the conversation (about something else) with T today, he said how he's learned a lot from me just in how I interact with him, like how I respond to what he says, etc. It helps him understand how I may interact with others, for example. He doesn't use the word "countertransference" but he'll talk about how he reacts to me, including how some things I say or do make him feel. Some of that doesn't feel good (and a couple times have really hurt), but it's also helped me learn and grow.

All that being said, I do get particularly nervous discussing anything involving transference with this T. He's not psychodynamic and has said he's not particularly trained in transference. And he's handled a few things I've talked about relating to stuff with him rather poorly. He's been better with it in the past 6 months or so--I think he gets it more now, or maybe just gets me more and how I react to things? (Like he seemed totally accepting when I said I had some feelings of platonic love for him.) Plus he knows my history with ex-MC, and I think he understands now that my feelings for ex-MC were on this whole other level (and ex-MC fed into that), so it doesn't mean I'm going to necessarily have those same feelings for him (T) just because he's another male therapist. Still, I'm a little hesitant. Some T's handle ET great though, so this is more about my situation.

For your last line, I've actually gotten quite a bit of analysis and new insights from this site and from some friends I've met through here. It doesn't substitute for therapy, but it's been really helpful to get other perspectives.