I don't know

Last week Emdr talked about how eventually after the loss of a loved one we should get to the point where thoughts of the loved one should bring happy memories not sadness. So tonight I brought it up and asked if that really happens with bbn parents when you had a close relationship. She responded I dont know I haven't lost a parent. I respect her honesty. But it was a little frustrating. She thought about people who she knows who lost a parent. Her parents were the only ones she would think of. Yup makes me jealous. In all fairness I know two people in my age range.

She did explain more what she meant and how it applied to.

nottrustin

I'm not sure about what EMDR T said regarding grief. I lost my grandmother, to whom I was very close, almost 4 years ago, and I definitely still have feelings of sadness mixed in with some good memories. I mean, with my other grandmother, who passed away when I was 9, I still feel some sadness if I think of her. I say that not to make you feel hopeless in your grief, but more realistic. I think it's different for everyone. And though he was talking about a non-death loss, current T has told me that grieving can be along process and sadness can hit at seemingly random times and also at anniversaries. I think it's a different path for everyone and every situation. You feel what you feel.

I don't know about the "should" part of grief-- if indeed that is literally what she meant. Now a few years after my spouse's death I can say I recognize the phenomenon of the flutterings of happiness at some of the random memories, or times when I deliberately think about him or revisit his gravesite. There is still sadness at the loss, and I doubt that goes away. The sadness is not as painful or profound as it used to be, and I don't mind feeling sadness. It's just a feeling and so far hasn't killed me, and I don't experience it as negative even if it is typically considered a negative feeling.

When I dspoke to her last night I asked her to clarify what she meant last week. What she meant was that there is healthy grief and not so healthy. With me it isn't so much that I have those floods of emotions it is how long they last. She used the example of my mom and the month of May. Between mothers day, her birthday and her anniversary to my abuser it can really effect me for a month. I typically start getting very irritable and anxious a week or two before without realizing why and then trying to avoid those days. Even though I am a mom I despise Mother's day because of sadness. May is just one example if this. She believes this is because the are so many issues that tie into it such as my abandonment issues, did she or didnt she know about the abuse, her (and my young age), etc. She thinks once we are able to process and work through those issues my grief will become easier and healthier. She also pointed out that it is understandable I would struggle with it. She isn't in any way trying to rush the process.

The other thing is should I, for the most part, not bring up when this is going on? I've managed to deal with the grief long before starting therapy. I now imagine her thinking "not again" in the future. Ugh. I don't want to revisit the subject again next week especially since after that she is takin one week or potentially for the holiday. On the other hand she doesn't SEEM to mind when I bring up our discussion from the week before.

Therapy can suck...ugh.

I'm surprised she categorises grief as either healthy or unhealthy.

Sometimes I still like to talk to my new T about my T that died.

Me too on both accounts. I do sort of think she has a point in regards to mom. When I started with T 10 years ago one of the issues was that I was still really struggling with it 8 years after her death.

NT, it's YOUR therapy, not hers. If you want to mention it at every session, so be it. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't.--Cool

I can't say much regarding the grieving process, I have only lost one person in my life so far and from that experience I'd conclude that everyone feels different about the whole thing, from how you feel at the start, how you deal with it and how it is after a while.

But what I can say is that I agree with coolibrarian. If you want to talk about it, if it helps you, it doesn't matter what she wants or thinks. If you don't want to revisit it for a week, a month or however long, that's fine. If you want to talk it to no ends, that's fine too.

To call grief unhealthy seems a bit judgemental. If you still have deep distress at times about it, there's a reason for that. We are all made differently, by genes and our life experiences.

I think this is core therapy pathology... mere opinion presented as truth, along with the implication that not aligning what that opinion means you are mentally ill. Only a crazy person would try to define appropriate grief for someone else.

She agree there is a reason. She suspects it might have to do with my abuse and abandonment issues. She knows how much pain the grief still causes me and would like to help me get to the point it isn't so painful for extended periods of time.

So many are commenting on the unhealthy/inappropriate grief. Is it healthy to frequently be in extreme pain to the point of effecting a person's life for an extended period of time sometimes up to a month? That is what she said and I believe that was her intervention. She is the least judgmental person I know at least as a therapist.

I don't think the comment on it being unhealthy was meant in a judgemental way.

I can't tell you what other people exactly experience. But from what I've heard from friends and family, 'healthy' grieving seems to stop being so intense quite quickly. You're still sad of course. You're still grieving. But it's not so painful that a person can't work or concentrate on something else for a while.

When some of my pets passed, I was sad. I cried for a day or two. After that it was still painful to think of them being gone, but I could fall asleep, I didn't cry myself to sleep, and after some months I was able to look at pictures of them without being overwhelmed. Same with the only person I've ever lost, I was sad for a few days, but it quickly got better to the point of not crying a whole lot anymore and not thinking about it much either.

I think that if something like your situation happened to me, I'd react very similarly. I'd experience it as something very traumatic, which sounds similar to what you're describing. I'm not sure what is the best thing to do when being in such a situation. But I'd think it's talking to somebody who knows how to deal with trauma, which you are doing. Talking about things that are traumatic can be even more traumatizing, but I'd hope that EMDR T can judge how far and fast you can go with this. So I don't think you just shouldn't talk about it anymore, just to not bother her. If it's affecting you and you're having trouble with it, it's fine to bring it up and seek help for that.

Thank you Chicken, she is really good when I say I can't/ dont want to talk about it any more. She immediately will say okay done. Okay what do you want to talk about? No questions or pushing.

Has your EMDR T ever lost anyone? I know she hasn't lost her parents, but has she lost anyone else important? I find that people who have never lost a significant person to death simply are incapable of understanding grief.

For me, the majority of my friends have never lost anyone significant, and some of them have tried to relate to my grief by comparing it to their grief over breakups. I find that they do not really understand. I know people can grieve the end of a relationship or the loss of a job, but that kind of grief is simply not the same as grief over the death of a loved one.

Until I lost my T, I have never lost anyone significant either. And, looking back, I can see that I did not understand grief at all. I've experienced lots of breakups, and I've even been fired from a job. But none of those experiences were even remotely comparable to losing my T. They're not just quantitatively different. They're qualitatively different.

When you break up with someone or someone breaks up with you, something was already wrong with the relationship. And you knew on some level. You may have been in denial, but deep down inside, you knew. That kind of loss could be extremely painful, but it is qualitatively SO DIFFERENT from losing someone you love to death. Death is involuntary. It is thrust upon you and your loved one. Death is also final, with no possibility of reconciliation.

I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but, to me, these different types of grief are completely different. You can't extrapolate what grief over death feels like by drawing on your experiences with grief over breakups.

So, I guess my point is, if your EMDR T has never lost anyone significant, then she probably really just doesn't understand grief. I don't think it's something you can learn from books or training. It's something that can only be learned through personal experience.

[QUOTE=RaineD;6365714
So, I guess my point is, if your EMDR T has never lost anyone significant, then she probably really just doesn't understand grief. I don't think it's something you can learn from books or training. It's something that can only be learned through personal experience.[/QUOTE]

She mentioned her grandfather's death but thats all. I know her parents are still alive.

For me the pain of T's death death ranks up close to the pain of losing my mom

I really agree with RaineD- I’ve also found that people who have never lost anyone like a parent genuinely have no idea what that kind of grief is like. And it seems like many of them don’t even realize that they have no idea what that kind of loss is like - how wrenching and overpowering and horrible it can be, and the way the waves of grief can be incapacitating.

I have found the same thing to be true. My husband is a perfect example. He has lost his grandparents and tries to be supportive but ends up saying things like "you just need to accept it and move on" I have also my grandparents but that grief has been nothing compared to my mom and to a degree my T. T understood the pain because her dad died and he was no far the parent she was closest to.