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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
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#21
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Betty_Banana
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
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#22
As far as your therapist's speculations about your childhood abuse and dissociation, they are not entirely baseless just because there are no proven facts of your specific case for her to base them on.
Dissociation is a very common defense for victims of sexual abuse. There is more than enough clinical data collected by therapists, social workers, lawyers, medical doctors to have this as a common knowledge. So, it is a fact that dissociation often takes in cases of sexual abuse, but not only in those cases. Different types of trauma can also trigger dissociation if the trauma is severe enough. So, there is a general data your therapist uses as a basis for her speculations. It is true though that in your specific case she doesn't have enough factual information to say assertively that there was childhood abuse from which you have been dissociating. But she can still make a speculation, as long as she is clear that this is a speculation and not a fact. As a professional, she is allowed to state her opinion, but she should explain what it is based on. Now, that aside, the main problem I see with your therapist is not her speculations about what happened in your childhood, but what she is doing about it and about your present situation now. I repeat, since you are the client and you are an adult, you are supposed to be the only person she should be talking about. Period. It is especially important if a therapist suspects that the client is currently being abused and/or has been abused in the past and that the alleged perpetrator is still pretty much a big part of the client's life. |
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#23
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You know I don't like pushing assumptions either but I think anybody can speculate and a lot of what goes on in therapy generally is indeed speculation, it is far from some kind of hard data science. Also, I think the way people perceive what counts as abuse or not can vary quite widely in cases that are not severe and where harm is not clearcut, what is important if how you feel about it - I never think it is a good idea to let others pull you into victimhood. However, you do have an intense interest in figuring these things out, but no real data (memory or other evidence) regarding your childhood, so speculation is pretty much what can be used to target it. |
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
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#24
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
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#25
I just know that she is helpful in alot of ways for example: she does this thing called future templates where if something is happening she will tell me things to do if it happens again. Like with my dad. She will say if it happens again what will you do and if I dont know give me examples. Like she said I could tell my dad I dont feel comfortable when you do that or I could move. She I want you to repeat that back to me. Like you were talking to him. I however couldnt do that. Its too triggering. It reminds me of when little kids tell on there abusers I cant handle that yucky feeling it gives me inside. I really do think she has good intentions but sometimes she seems flakey.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
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#26
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
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#27
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Magnate
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#28
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To be fair to her, she is dealing with a challenging situation here. If you were a kid, it'd be easier because then she'd be required to report your father to the police and the CPS. But you are not a kid. So, she can't report what's happening. She can only work with you on finding ways for you to protect yourself without complicating the situation further given that you don't live independently. But talking to your family is a very bad idea IMO. I don't know if she ever asked you if your father has any access to children. She should've asked, and if he does happen to be around children, that would allow her to report him to CPS. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
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#29
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__________________ Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
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LonesomeTonight
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
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#30
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Even when you have recounted what she's said in the past like about your mother, you reported it more as she said she thinks its possible, or likely, and perhaps it is you who hears it as her saying she "knows." There are a few reasons and probably many more than I can think of for her "speculation." First is that you are dealing with a very challenging situation that seems to be at a crossroads where you need to know/do/be something different than what has been going on. As you have said, you've gotten nowhere in therapy before this. If I were in your shoes, I would want to know my story and it seems like this T has at least moved you forward in some understanding about your family. And it makes sense to me that her discussing things with your mother seemed to be helpful and that's why she wants to talk with your Dad. But I don't think she's insisting that she "knows" the truth in a certain kind of way. I don't know what her specific field is, but the world of social science (borrowing from science) follows a "hypothesis testing model" and don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming therapy is scientific in this way, but if the hypothesis is "maybe your father sexually abused you" (and this isn't the way a scientist would precisely formulate it), the question is how might you figure out whether this might be the case? The first is to "speculate" to you to see how it fits, and you're not running screaming in the other direction at the possibility. The next step might be to talk to the willing father-- and conversing with family members with client permission for their information (not to violate confidentiality or give him any information) is an accepted way to go about things. Therapists actually do this all the time, especially when people are in the hospital. Maybe she won't learn anything helpful, maybe she will. But speculation about what might be at the root of your very difficult problem isn't wrong, not at least as far as I could see. But you talking about it with her seems like a good thing, if you don't entirely understand it. I don't have a dog in this fight about what you do or don't do in your therapy. It does seem to me that you've been making progress with this therapy, or maybe it's just coincidence that you've been able to reveal your father's current behavior towards you. I can't tell from your descriptions whether your therapist is a genius or an idiot, or somewhere in between; frankly I don't think anyone can. And your feeling "small" suggests that this has kicked off something significant that's about your childhood, and that seems to be a positive thing. Wish you the best. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#31
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I did want to apologize to everybody that has been abused. I know many of you remember your abuse and are like why would you want to be abused. I am in a different place than you but I dont want you to feel like I dont care about your experiences. |
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#32
Dnester, those thoughts and temptations that you tend to find so disturbing about your own desires - did any of those change since you have ventured into these explorations about your father?
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#33
I am rarely around kids. I dont think about kids when I am not around them. When I am around them I have bad thoughts and they still cause me anxiety. Nothing has changed as far as that goes. I am triggered a little less. For example: shows like Law and Order SVU are less triggering but I dont know why. I am still triggered in therapy though. Like when my T told me to repeat after me and say I dont like it when you touch me that way (talking about my dad). I told her I couldnt but didnt tell her why. It just gives me a yucky feeling like when kids tell about there abuse. I dont claim to know why. Actually, I did send her an email why but I couldnt tell her in session. I did feel some kind of shift since EMDR but as far as anything with this stuff with my dad and anything changing with anything no. I was at a Christmas party this weekend and my little cousins were there. The whole party went well because I was sitting with them. I was with my sister. I didnt want to be rude and not hug my little cousins bye though. So I gave them a quick hug and then left. That was anxiety producing though. I have had these issues since I was around 8 years old. I cant imagine they will ever go away.
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Ididitmyway
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#34
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I am still so confused on how thats possible since I am not a child and I highly doubt the legal system would be alarmed about this. |
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: United States
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#35
I haven't been sexually abused, but I do know that knowing you have been abused doesn't take away the guilt. Abusers often shame children and tell them that the abuse is their fault. And abused children can carry that shame into adulthood. I have to talked to someone in her 50s who is still struggling with shame over what happened to her as a child.
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Betty_Banana, Ididitmyway, Rive1976
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
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#36
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From a legal perspective, incestous sexual activity has various degrees of prohibition and punishment in many states, the severity of which depends on a particular jurisdiction. Unfortunately, those laws seem to hold both parties equally responsible, which is purely medieval IMO and reflects that our collective consciousness is still on the level of the dark ages. However, if there is evidence of child sexual abuse that continues into adulthood, I assume, only a perpetrator is held legally responsible, but, with some of the crazy laws in some states I wouldn't be surprised if that's not the case. So, from the legal standpoint, your situation may be quite complicated. From a psychological perspective, to me it's absolutely black and white in terms of who is responsible for what's going on, and that is definitely not you. In terms of the emotional dynamic of your relationship with your father it is also quite complicated, not black and white at all. That's why a part of me feels for your therapist, because this is not an easy case to deal with. Still, I would approach it differently. But then, I also have to consider that I am not there and I don't have the same opportunity to talk to you in detail as she does. |
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Rive1976
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
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#37
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2011
Posts: 2,071
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#38
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Since you don't have evidence of childhood abuse, this is exactly what makes your situation complicated and difficult for your therapist to work with. That being said, it is not her job to become an investigator and to collect information from outside sources like your family. You are an adult and you are the client. She is supposed to be working with you only and to deal with the information you give her the best she can. |
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Rive1976
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
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#39
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But I'm not going to get into some petty argument with you. The OP and anyone else can decide what they want to believe. I'm going to bow out of this thread and wish the OP the best. I hope you (the OP) will update us in the future if you want to and let us know how it goes. |
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Rive1976
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Aug 2012
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#40
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I think self blame is a very complex animal and many people, abused or not, feel guilty and ashamed of who they are and what they've done. Sometimes shedding the blame and shame has nothing to do with the past and everything to do with the now and the future. Sometimes it is just that we no longer need to carry it anymore. I have a hard time constructing a reality where blame and shame are good for people, so I think it's worth working on no matter what you believe your past to be. |
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Rive1976
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