Feeling so small

I dont know if anything I have stated here could be seen as abuse in my childhood. I dont have enough context. My mrmories are only flashes.

I am sorry your therapist allowed this minor occurrence to become a larger issue for you. Affection is a powerful form of connection and touch/body language is often used as form of communication. Touch can provide relief, give attention, distract from other overwhelming sensations and yes, can show affection. What is important for you to evaluate for yourself is how was your body approached and how has your relationship been defined with this person.

((((whispershadow)))) makes a good point here

If a family member who you are close with crosses a boundary that you yourself were not ready to cross, then a conversation may need to be had. Maybe you had a difficult time processing this occurrence because the other person may have set a boundary that they became ready to cross, but did not find a way to discuss with you first?

Before trudging through history of good touch/bad touch, maybe try re-establishing boundaries with your friend, therapist and family member. What you are asking in not unreasonable

I am just torn. While part of me thinks that him rubbing my legs is just his way of showing affection. It upset me that my therapist would suggest anything matters by the way I sit. Part of me is like that doesnt explain the crotch pic he took of me. I mean if he had a problem with the way I was sitting he should of told me. Why take a pic of it. I honestly dont know any of his intentions.

Dnester, I think, by continuing to talk about your situation on this forum you are confusing yourself more and more with each thread.

Clearly, people here have split into two sides. On one side there are those, who believe that you were abused in childhood and are being abused now by your father. I am one of those. There are also others who spoke about it on your other thread, and there is your therapist. On the other side there are those, who believe that your therapist is implanting false memories in your mind and that what your father is doing is not a big deal.

For me, these two groups of people symbolically represent two parts of you that fight with each other.

One part of you doesn't feel good about what your father is doing (and rightfully so) and wants it to stop. It also doesn't feel good (understandably) about the flashes of memories that depict your father being inappropriate with you when you were a child.

The other part of you doesn't want to believe that your dad is doing anything wrong, which is also very understandable. As you said, your dad is currently the closest person to you, the one you are most attached to. If you allow yourself to see what he is doing as abuse, that would make it impossible for you to continue to have him in your life, which is a very scary thing for you to imagine.

Those two parts of you fight and they fight bitterly, just like people have clashed on this thread. I suspect, this is why you have the need to keep talking about here. It's much easier to see people representing different parts of yourself fight with each other than to experience this fight as your own inner struggle, your own divide.

But the struggle is yours and yours only. All the "characters" on this thread represent different sides of your struggle like actors on the stage, but they are not going to resolve the struggle for you because the struggle is your internal process.

It's fine to come here any time you want and to get input from others, but ultimately it's not going to help you until you understand and own all the mixed feelings you have about your father and his behavior and, once this work is done, you'd know what is right for you and what you need to do.

Now, that said, I will remove myself from this discussion, because I don't believe it's helping you to continue to watch the external enactment of your inner drama here and also because I don't want to carry any part of your inner process. It's ok to PM me if you'd like. It's certainly ok for you to PM anyone you want. I just don't think it's a good idea in your situation to put out your questions for group discussions. Your case is very sensitive and complicated. It is best to discuss it privately with whomever you feel comfortable discussing it.