advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
justbreathe1994
Member
 
justbreathe1994's Avatar
justbreathe1994 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: new hampshire
Posts: 443
8 yr Member
123 hugs
given
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 03:31 AM
  #1
I had intense maternal “transference” for ex T. While I go back and forth about whether I want that level of connection with my new therapist, at the moment, I really don’t want to experience the pain that comes with feeling intensely connected ever again. With that said, I am wondering if age plays a role for those of you who experience maternal transference with your T? Do you only experience maternal attachment if they are old enough to be your mother? Or do you experience maternal attachment even if they are only say 10 years older than you?
justbreathe1994 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote

advertisement
Anonymous59356
Guest
Anonymous59356 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 03:35 AM
  #2
No. Therapy is about our inner life
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Ididitmyway
Magnate
 
Ididitmyway's Avatar
Ididitmyway has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,071
10 yr Member
128 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 03:52 AM
  #3
To me it did play a role when I was in therapy. All my therapists were much older. Only one of them though was old enough to be a father (about 22 years difference). With other two the difference was 17 years. I guess, biologically one might say it's old enough to be a parent, but realistically no. I had some degree of paternal transference toward two of them. I don't think the transference would be paternal if there was 10 years difference or less. Though looking back I can't judge with certainty because I was very different back then. Right now I wouldn't, actually, see a therapist who is much older than I am. If I were to see a therapist again (which won't happen), I'd go with someone my age since I am 50 already. There is no way I'd have transference to them, especially with all my previous therapy and just life experience. It'd feel much more egalitarian and less oppressive. I'd even work with someone slightly younger, but no younger than 45, if they seem like someone who has lived a little and learned some important life lessons.

__________________
www.therapyconsumerguide.com

Bernie Sanders/Tulsi Gabbard 2020
Ididitmyway is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
growlycat
Therapy Ninja
 
growlycat's Avatar
growlycat has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2007
Location: How did I get here?
Posts: 10,308
15 yr Member
16.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 04:02 AM
  #4
All of my t’s have been older than I am. But current t is closest in age to me and the dynamic feels different. More equalizing and less like an all encompassing parent.
growlycat is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
DP_2017
Echos Myron redux
Magnate
Echos Myron redux is vaccinated
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 2,157
5 yr Member
1,833 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 04:42 AM
  #5
When I first sought therapy, I wouldn't have considered anyone under 50. I am now quite curious about what therapy would have been like with someone younger. If I ever needed therapy later in life (after my current T is retired or passed) I would consider trying someone of a different age. Which makes sense because I am sure I will want to get something different out of therapy if I ever were to go again.
Echos Myron redux is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Ididitmyway
Magnate
 
Ididitmyway's Avatar
Ididitmyway has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,071
10 yr Member
128 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 05:26 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
When I first sought therapy, I wouldn't have considered anyone under 50. I am now quite curious about what therapy would have been like with someone younger. If I ever needed therapy later in life (after my current T is retired or passed) I would consider trying someone of a different age. Which makes sense because I am sure I will want to get something different out of therapy if I ever were to go again.
Same here. I started therapy when I was 33. Back then I too wouldn't have considered anyone younger than 45, then the age mark moved up to 50 when I was looking for a new therapist. I still have the same age limit, the only thing that has changed is my age. . Now that I am at the same age mark, those who meet my requirement would be my equals .

Actually, it's not the only thing that has changed. Now, I wouldn't see anyone over 60, but when I was younger I would've agreed to any age over 50. This may seem like ageism, but now therapists, who are 60 and older seem dogmatic to me and, for some reason, this is the age group I now have difficulty relating to whereas 17 years ago I enjoyed socializing with that age group much more than with my own. Of course, I am not generalizing. I understand that there are different people in every group, but there are still certain generational tendencies that apply to many. Also, my preference change has a lot to do with the fact that I have changed a great deal over the years..so, I guess, my needs are different now..

But there is one thing I know for sure. Just like I wouldn't have considered anyone younger than 45 for a therapist many years ago, I still wouldn't consider them now. No one younger than 45 for me, sorry younger therapists . I don't feel like a 30-35 year old person, no matter how insightful, has much to offer me given the different stages of life we both are in.

__________________
www.therapyconsumerguide.com

Bernie Sanders/Tulsi Gabbard 2020
Ididitmyway is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
nottrustin
Grand Magnate
 
nottrustin's Avatar
nottrustin has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
10 yr Member
375 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 06:13 AM
  #7
T was 22 years older than me. I really wanted somebody who was older than me and had already experienced my issues. It was really helpful for me.

With Emdr T I wanted somebody older than me but not age of T who was 68 and in my mind going T retire sometime soon. I ended seeing someone 5 years younger than me. U decided it didnt matter her age since I had T still so i didnt need the same guidance. Plus it would be very short term.

In some ways I struggle because she is a totally different place. Her child is 3 mine are 17 and older, her parents are still alive, she has been married 6 years (I have for 24 years). However because of all the work T and I did all that us okay. I an not sure if it would be considered transference but sometimes I am jealous of all she has done in her life. She has done missionary work in another country,, she has lived in different parts if the country doing some amazing work, and well she us a therapist....

__________________

nottrustin is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LonesomeTonight
Always in This Twilight
 
LonesomeTonight's Avatar
LonesomeTonight has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,695 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
74.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 06:43 AM
  #8
I had strong paternal transference for my former marriage counselor, and he was only 12 years older than me. So I don’t think it’s necessarily about age. Though he also talked about his kids (teens at the time) a lot, which I think contributed to the transference. Current T is 7 years older with an 11-year-old don, but he doesn’t talk about him much at all. I don’t feel that I have paternal transference for him, he feels more like a contemporary.
LonesomeTonight is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
feileacan
Poohbah
feileacan has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2016
Location: Europa
Posts: 1,169
5 yr Member
112 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 07:18 AM
  #9
Initially I wanted someone closer to my age. I started therapy when I was 33 and first contacted a T who was 42 or so. He could not see me and referred me to my T who is 30 years older than me. For me that felt very strange, I even remember that I asked him during the initial phone call whether he doesn't think that he is too old for me and I honestly thought that he might be too old to understand the problems of a young woman (whom I considered myself).

But that was my personal bias, due to the almost complete lack of any kind of decent parenting. I had never had any sort of close relationship with anyone who could be age wise considered as my parent. I never even considered relating to anyone who would be considerably older than me because these people are you know old people and what do they know about life and things.

So, for me it was very useful to start working with someone who age wise could be my parent because it over time made me realise that not all older people are so useless as my own biological parents but there are decent and interesting people among them. I do not have this age bias anymore, at least not in such a pronounced degree and that's a clear win for me.

As for transferences, I have mostly perceived my male T as motherly. First, because he can be very motherly and secondly I guess I just needed mothering so much, having never experienced it before. On the other hand, when I was seeing another therapist temporarily few years ago, who was also 30+ years older than me, I perceived him more as fatherly because somehow he just had more fatherly qualities.

I haven't seen any younger T but I guess it would be difficult for me to feel these mother/father longings for someone who would be my age but maybe 10 years age difference would have been enough? I don't know and I guess I never have to find out because I'm pretty sure that when I finish with my T in 4-5 years or so then I'm done and I don't need such intensive therapy anymore.
feileacan is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
Anne2.0
Grand Magnate
Anne2.0 elephant walks on
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 3,132
10 yr Member
129 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 08:15 AM
  #10
My T is old enough to be my older brother and I've experienced both paternal and maternal transference (though not at the same time). For me I think it's a caretaking thing, as anyone who takes care of me (this has happened outside the t room too) generates those feelings. They say there's a thing called projection . . . .
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Rive.
Merope
Veteran Member
Merope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
Posts: 719
5 yr Member
479 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 08:32 AM
  #11
I think having a therapist who is definitely old enough to be my dad (21 year difference) really does help fuel the paternal transference I have for him. I don’t think I’d see a T who was much younger than mid 40s, because I like the thought that they are old enough to have experienced some of the things I’m going through AND gain the perspective that comes from enough time passing.
Merope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
toomanycats
Grand Poohbah
toomanycats is taking it one day at a time
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 1,734
5 yr Member
542 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 08:32 AM
  #12
I experienced maternal transference for a T who was only slightly older than me AND male... so, I don't know what my brain thinks.

I have strong paternal transference now for my current T, who is my dad's age and also male.

I have never experienced any sort of transference with a female T.
toomanycats is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
lucozader
Most Dangerous
 
lucozader's Avatar
lucozader knock knock
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,920
5 yr Member
7,642 hugs
given
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 08:37 AM
  #13
Like TMC, I had some (negative) maternal transference for my previous T who was male and only about eight years older than me. So no, I don't think age (or gender) necessarily makes much of a difference to these things.
lucozader is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Elio
...............
Elio is not home, please leave a message at the beep.... ... ... ...
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,906
15 yr Member
8,745 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 09:18 AM
  #14
My T is a little more than 5 yrs younger than I am. I concluded that for me, and how I think it works for me, is that she is old enough to be a mother to the part(s) that see her as mommy or mom. I feel young(er) when I am in those head spaces. Then again, I've started questioning how much of what is going on between us is transference and how much is surrogacy. It is clear to me that sometimes I am transferring feelings, behaviors, and implicit memories I have from my childhood onto her and our relationship. Other times it seems that our relationship in this dynamic is organically us (between T, felt as "mommy", and one of my younger selves). Some may think of this as reparenting and maybe it is, I'm not sure. It feels like through these interactions:
  • I feel heard, attended to, loved, important, special...
  • I get her voice/words to add to the other voices in my head.
  • I have a model on how I should interact with my inner self.
  • At times, something does feel like it is being filled up rather than just covered up/over.

What I do know is that in those moments, is my feelings are not the same I have for my mother nor coming from/towards my mother. They seem to be from T and towards a mommy object.

btw - for this type of therapy, I do not believe I would see a therapist that was significantly younger than me. When I saw T2 for the few sessions I did, he was much different in how he practiced. I don't think I would ever have seen him as a father figure, though I could easily have seen him as an older brother, which I do with many men that have certain energy even though I am the oldest in my family. I am not sure why many men become older brothers to me and since I don't have one, not sure how transference plays into it. Interesting thing to explore one day.
Elio is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
LonesomeTonight
ChickenNoodleSoup
Grand Poohbah
ChickenNoodleSoup has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: In a land far far away
Posts: 1,558
5 yr Member
1,298 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 11:23 AM
  #15
I don't think the age matters. My T is old enough to be my dad, but I've had several circumstances where the person was not the proper age to really be my dad, yet I had paternal transference. My feelings don't care about age..
ChickenNoodleSoup is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
piggy momma
Poohbah
 
piggy momma's Avatar
piggy momma loves all pigs. ALL. THE. PIGS.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,073
5 yr Member
70 hugs
given
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 01:07 PM
  #16
I’ve always had older therapists. It just seems more right to me personally. I don’t have transference issues with my current T, but I do have major attachment issues (fear of abandonment). I had major major transference issues with my last T. First in a paternal kind of way and then romantic.
piggy momma is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
MRT6211
Member
MRT6211 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 357
5 yr Member
208 hugs
given
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 06:54 PM
  #17
All of them have been older than me, although most by only about 10-15 years. I still had intense maternal transference for them. I don’t think I could deal with a T that’s younger than me, though. Perhaps that will change with age, since I’m only 24 right now. Right now it’s highly unlikely that I’d ever have a T younger than me, because of timeline with schooling. They’d have to just be starting out or something, and then I wouldn’t want to see someone so inexperienced anyway (bad experience in the past with this).
MRT6211 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
starfishing
Member
starfishing has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 466
5 yr Member
Default Dec 10, 2018 at 10:24 PM
  #18
I don't think it really matters when it comes to evoking transference of various kinds, no. The therapist's age matters to me in general, but when it comes to transference it's much more of a free-for-all than that. I've had some complicated parental transference with a therapist who was 10 years older than me, and possibly even to a therapist about the same age as me, though the latter case was messy enough that it's hard to tell what really happened there. I've also had times when no parental transference developed in relation to therapists who actually were old enough to be my parents.
starfishing is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Siennasays
Member
Siennasays has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2018
Location: '_'
Posts: 79
5 yr Member
21 hugs
given
Default Dec 11, 2018 at 12:18 AM
  #19
My T is like...50 years older than me. I don't mind, for the most part. She seems pretty up to date on things. And she can work a cellphone/computer lol. There is the concern of retirement, but I'm hoping to be done with therapy before that happens.
I don't have any transference issues. But, I doubt I would either way.
Siennasays is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
GeekyOne
Member
GeekyOne has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 210
5 yr Member
Default Dec 11, 2018 at 10:27 PM
  #20
I have had maternal transference with a T who was only 2-3 years older than me. I have had Ts 5-10 years older than me for whom I had no significant transference.

My current T is 20 years my senior and the transference is much stronger than I’ve had before, but... so is the connection.

Transference is not a rational response, it is an emotional response. Age doesn’t matter, but experience and connection do.
GeekyOne is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:50 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.