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annielovesbacon
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 12:02 AM
  #1
I posted this same thing on reddit, so my apologies to those of you like me who frequent both sites.

I recently relapsed in my eating disorder, and I was truthful with T last time I saw her and informed her. What I didn't tell her is that I don't really want to get "better." I have no desire to attempt recovery at this time (yes, i know that is what is best for me, please don't lecture me). But I want to keep going to therapy because T makes me feel safe and I feel better after sessions.

But am I wasting her time by going if I don't want to get better? I want to be able to talk about this without her urging recovery, but in the past she has made it clear she isn't going to sit around while I "destroy my body" (her words). Am I stupid to keep going?

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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 12:52 AM
  #2
I have been where you are many times.
I think it would be a waste of time, money, and resources if you dont want to get better,
But, its your choice.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 03:27 AM
  #3
I've felt like that in the past.
But getting better is a process.
Feeling like I didn't want to get better was part of that process.
I think there have been things in my life I've truly not wanted and I know for certain there have been no doubts in that dept when it's happened. Had it been about not wanting to get better, I would have stopped going to therapy and certainly wouldn't be talking about it in a forum. I would have just walked away and not looked back.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 05:31 AM
  #4
What is "better"?

Do you know what is going on in your life or your thoughts that resulted you relapsing? Is there anything about that which you would like to be better?
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 08:05 AM
  #5
I think it's fine to go to therapy even of you dont want to change some behaviour right now. Its your therapy and you get to use it for whatever helps you.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 08:08 AM
  #6
Even if you use your session for something not related to your eating disorder, if the session helps you it's not a waste of time
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 08:25 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by annielovesbacon View Post
in the past she has made it clear she isn't going to sit around while I "destroy my body" (her words). Am I stupid to keep going?
I guess I'd find it relevant, in your shoes, to hear what she said when you discussed it with her (or when you discuss it with her, which I think makes sense to do before you make any decision). If her *present* position is that-- though I'm not sure precisely what it means-- that would inform my decisionmaking.

So your behavior or your unwillingness to stop harming yourself may cause her to end therapy even if it is your choice to continue. Is this the issue? Do you want to put off the decision on her or do you want to create a situation where she will be forced to "abandon" you? I'm sure there are a number of scenarios possible, although I understand that going to therapy with the insistence that you won't change is helpful to you. I think you "deserve" therapy under these circumstances, and I hope you can continue going as long as you want to.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 09:14 AM
  #8
Hugs i can so relate to you, i myself struggle with a eating disorder and i do too have relapses that makes me not want to get better, i do believe though you do want to get better if you are in therapy. I have been there and i hope your t will support you through this. It's a struggle for me when i relapse i did last week. Recovery is not easy and the worse thing is to give up. Keep posting on here we care about you hugs
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 10:30 AM
  #9
I’ve been in therapy for 20 years. Not wanting to get better. But therapy did other things for me, to help me want to get better.

If you can benefit from something...anything....then go. But if you can’t get anything out of it at all, save your time and money.

Also - know that your T May discontinue working with you if you are not addressing the elephant in the room. They are ethically obligated to discontinue services if they feel you are not benefitting. So try to find an area you CAN improve on and focus on that instead.
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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 12:55 PM
  #10
You are not stupid. You know what you are getting out of it and, as long as you are getting something you need, you have a motive to continue.

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Default Dec 13, 2018 at 01:07 PM
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If you find therapy useful (truly useful and progressive!) in any way even outside of those areas that you currently don't want to address, I would say it's worth it. The one thing I would mention is to perhaps make sure it does not become a way to escape and distract yourself - that was the case for me in the past when I had relapses with my addiction (my biggest issue). I basically kept going and talked about all sorts of things with my T quite openly and in depth, including the addiction, but I was hiding relapses often and spoke about many different, quite irrelevant things. And, that way, therapy itself became quite a "pleasurable" escape and addiction on its own, because I liked my last T a lot and enjoyed discussing whatever with him. The process of introspection also tends to be quite addictive for me by itself. But I did not do the action part, i.e. stopping drinking. Actually, often I engaged in the worst binges just after therapy, on the same day, going home from the session, and would email the T intoxicated, without telling him I was drinking. So the whole day became a pleasurable escape, including interacting with him.

The above pattern really got in the way of progressing with anything in my life reasonably (even after finally staying sober, still used therapy as a major distraction) and that was when I terminated therapy. For me that was definitely for the better. I don't think everyone would get into a similar pattern, just sharing mine in case anything in it clicks with you. And it wasn't even only with the T that I liked a lot, was similar with the first one that was not a good fit for me at all and we had many conflicts. So, for me, it wasn't the person, more just therapy overall that I used in the above manner, it became part of my self-destructive tendencies. I did not even experience what others describe on this forum about intense attachment to the T - for me it was just all the activity, thinking, spending way too much time reading about therapy and related matter, analyzing everything to death. I was hooked on my own way of engaging in it, not something external.
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Default Dec 14, 2018 at 12:19 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
I guess I'd find it relevant, in your shoes, to hear what she said when you discussed it with her (or when you discuss it with her, which I think makes sense to do before you make any decision). If her *present* position is that-- though I'm not sure precisely what it means-- that would inform my decisionmaking.

So your behavior or your unwillingness to stop harming yourself may cause her to end therapy even if it is your choice to continue. Is this the issue? Do you want to put off the decision on her or do you want to create a situation where she will be forced to "abandon" you? I'm sure there are a number of scenarios possible, although I understand that going to therapy with the insistence that you won't change is helpful to you. I think you "deserve" therapy under these circumstances, and I hope you can continue going as long as you want to.
The full context of that quote was I had told her I relapsed last summer. She said, "If you lose more weight, we're going to have to seek different treatment options -- that could mean inpatient." I said I didn't want to go. She said "Well I can't sit here and watch you destroy your body, if you lose enough weight that it's dangerous I don't have a choice, I have to do something."

So it wasn't like giving up on me, I think she was trying to impart how serious she felt the situation was. I don't know if I would consider being forced inpatient as "abandonement" ... that's not something I'm worried about, i have a healthy relationship with her without attachment. In fact I'm not even sure if she is *allowed* to terminate me as she works in my university clinic and they can't turn patients away (except to send to the ER if one is suicidal when they call) so I'm not sure of the rules on that.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope that answered your question

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Default Dec 14, 2018 at 07:30 AM
  #13
it's completely OK to use your session for whatever you want. As long as you benefit from the session in some way it's not a waste of time or money.

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