So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it? - Page 2 - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 12-13-2018, 01:06 PM #11
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

So - nothing you do matters to anyone else.

Thats pretty much true for everyone, unless they make some kind of contract with someone else, like by getting a job, or having a baby, whatever.

But otherwise, it's the way things are. All your physical needs are being taken care of by your husband, so you dont have to provide for yourself there. So its pretty much up to you to look at Maslows hierarchy of needs and pick something. You have a choice. You have freedom. You are of the physical age where you should start developing a feeling of generativity - wanting to contribute to the next generation. Maybe there will be something there.
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Old 12-13-2018, 01:58 PM #12
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Arrow Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

The satisfaction of knowing that I didn't give them (my abusers) that (my life)!
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Old 12-13-2018, 02:13 PM #13
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

I "worked so hard" in therapy, for decades on and off, and had little choice but to continue the process and the "search" and the unraveling on my own after my last T terminated me (she didn't have the "emotional resources" to continue with me = I was too much for her ) and have been getting close to being able to accept and tolerate the core feeling that "Nobody notices, cares, wants or understands me" as a basic state. I have had all kinds of defenses and tactics, including achievement and people-pleasing at different points in my life, to compensate for that, and to get other people to approve of me even when I can't.

It sounds from your signature line like you might have experienced something like that? -- that I did not really count to anybody else, and to live in a world like that - is not worth it. As you said, I've been this way since I was a little girl -- not that I was that aware of it, I was doing the compensating things, because survival impulses kept me going, I guess. And little to no awareness of the sorrow. I still have trouble with that one. Can one mourn in loneliness, without other people around? Seems to me like, no, I can't, I just numb out.

Fortunately, I do have some other people in my life -- including here -- although I can't feel them well (yet). But I do feel a dilemma of that's how I have been -- AND maybe there's another way to be -- sometimes. Like, feet in two different worlds, sometimes.

Maybe in that other world there is happiness and things worth living for? I don't know, don't know if it's possible to get there, either. Just gotta keep on going, won't know if I don't try. Not to say that's easy sometimes. But, like you, I decided a while back I wasn't going to take action on the alternative.
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Old 12-13-2018, 03:41 PM #14
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
So I did say that to T a couple of weeks ago. I did not die from my suicide attempt many years ago and even though I have been suicidal and wanted to still die all this time there has been nothing great that has happened for me to stick around for. You hear things like "Why don't you hang around you never know what life might bring you or what will happen." So I decided to live and stick around. Well my outlook on life has not changed. I hate it every single day I wake up. Oh I have done a lot over the years but I still do not have any joy over being alive. If a bus hit me tomorrow I would be thankful.

I am suppose to be grateful for what I have. I am in a way. I am grateful I am not homeless but if I was I would definitely off myself.

He had nothing to say about all that. Sorry but no amount of medications is going to change how I feel. I have always felt this way all my life. Is this how everyone else feels or is it just me?
It's not just you who feels this way.... I attempted 4 years ago, have regretted that it didn't work ever since. In the intervening years there have been more lows than highs.

You are right in that no amount of medication is going to change how you feel - except perhaps to just 'numb' things, so you don't really feel any more - but that is no way to live; exist more like.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm still searching for one myself.
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:13 PM #15
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

One of the things that keeps me going is that the end is inevitable anyway, so there is no need for me to rush it. It's not like I am going to escape it. Since it'll happen sooner or later, I am just trying to leave something behind for some people who know me and care about me..or for anyone who finds my accumulated knowledge useful..something for them to use for their own development. And, meanwhile, I am just trying to make the best out of each moment of whatever I am destined to live..doesn't matter how long..It makes no difference whether it's 5 or 20 or 40 years. Life is too short anyway, so, on the universal scale, additional 20 or 30 years make no difference.
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:16 PM #16
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

Personally, my furbabies are my reasons for holding on.

\Tigger would get a new home easy but Willow, and Ebony before her, would never
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:28 PM #17
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

There is nothing innately great/meaningful about life in my opinion. One can make meaning or find something that brings a sort of pleasure. Most of it is fleeting. That doesn't make it bad, just that it is a continued pursuit, not an end game. I have a job I like and friends I enjoy. A family I don't despise. I have hobbies I enjoy. Does that make life great - not really. But there are bits of pleasure, bits of boredom, bits of everything else.
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Old 12-13-2018, 11:44 PM #18
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

I can relate. I think I've said the same thing just in more of an indirect way, but it's more the feeling of wanting to die hasn't been around since before summer. But now that it's gone, I'm lost AND still feel crappy about my life. Like I never had a 5 year plan, or any real plan because I didn't expect to live this long. The times I said something similar, I'm glad my therapist didn't bother with some cliche saying.
There's not much that keeps me going, but now I don't have the urge to kill myself either so I'm just floating in nothingness.
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Old 12-14-2018, 04:58 AM #19
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

It's telling that you talk about a job where physical appearance is priority.

Maybe that's where you're going wrong.
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Old 12-14-2018, 06:49 AM #20
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Default Re: So now that you decided to live what has been so great about it?

Good discussion!
I stay alive out of curiosity about the next chapter. It's tough, hard work but I don't see much advantage in ending it given as someone said above that it's limited anyway.

I would choose to terminate if I found out that I had a terminal disease that involved more suffering. I am saving for that option, and hope that I will be able to do so legally when the time comes, and that someone will be around to hold my hand!!!
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