T is pregnant

I'm sorry, that doesn't even make sense. Big Hugs Kit

I recently figured out what she meant by that. She felt she couldn't help me anymore. She was just treating me for my depression. I thought she was treating the BPD and depression. So she felt sge would be doing a disservice if she continued with me. But that's the past... almost 4 years ago now.

So while I was with T in last session, I came up with some ideas that might help me through the 6 months. One thing is that she'll let me make a blanket for the baby. Another thing, we had already agreed if she took a long vacation, she'd give me something of hers to take care of. I asked her if I could have something of hers to take care of while on leave and she said she'd think about it. I'm also thinking of asking for another letter. I already have a rock and stuffed animal from her, so I don't think I can ask for another transitional object.

What would you want from your T if you couldn't have contact with them for at least 6 months?

I also like the idea of of having co-sessions with a new T both before and after her leave. I don't know how that would work?, but I think it would help.

Honestly, a good referral and help transitioning to another therapist if I still felt the need to see a therapist while they were away.

I've had two therapists that I had to end with due to moves (once mine; once his). In those cases, I knew there would be no possibility of ever seeing them as a therapist again.

In both cases, they were helpful in finding resources for therapists. We weren't in a position to have co-sessions or anything, but it really wasn't necessary. In the first case, I didn't really end up seeing anyone long-term; I found I was okay. I looked at first, but decided I would go without and it was workable at the time. In the second case, I had no intention of seeing anyone for awhile, so it wasn't really an issue.

Sometimes these changes have a way of working out, and not always the way we thought they would.

A voicemail. So I could listen to her voice over and over and over.

YES! Thank you! That's a good idea!

Yes, I had one from ex-MC I often listened to that gave me a lot of comfort.

Maybe also have her write something for you (ideally handwritten), like something about your work together, positive thoughts about you, words of encouragement.

Yes! That would help too! I'd prefer handwritten as well.

What would you do about the interim T? Would you interview them? If so, what questions would you ask? Would you trust your current T's choice?

T kept suggesting different organizations. In my mind, I'm reminded of what it was like at county, and I feel like it will all be deja vu all over again. I think I'd prefer a private T. And I think I want a male T. 8 don't want to get attached to another female T even though T says it would be okay to be attached to 2 people. And that's one piece of evidence that maybe she is trying to get rid of me. Why would it be okay to be attached to 2 Ts when her rules are that I can't see another T while seeing her? How will I be able to choose between the two? Letting go of one would be heartbreaking. Unless she doesn't want me back.

What about recording a session so you can listen to it again? My T gets me to record my sessions so I can listen to the parts I don't recall (I have DID) but I find them really helpful to listen to again for so many other reasons as well... one of those reasons being it helps me to internalize what T tells me. We often listen to specific parts together too, to figure out what was going on or which part was out or whatever.

I've talked to T about doing that. She's kinda iffy on it. She said we can record part of a session, but not a whole session. I'll ask her again. I just want to hold onto her in every way possible.

I'm afraid 6 months away will cause me to distance myself from her.

My maternity leave T picked my current T for me based on Ts skills and what I need. I really didn't like new T at first and didn't want to see her at all. I saw her briefly for very short meetings (10 minutes initially) every few weeks a few months before T left. Just to get to know her a bit, get comfortable with her room etc. It was really important to me that I knew where I was going to when T left.

As I said I really didn't like new T at first but I knew she was the best one to help me while T was away, so I just committed to it, no matter what, knowing I could return to my "real" T as soon as she was back. We also scheduled some joint sessions with both Ts together but in the end we only did one of those, I felt that was enough.

Once T went on maternity leave it was still pretty hard, but there was a plan in place and I knew I could go back to her afterwards. Six months in (when T was supposed to come back) I would have gone back to her in a heartbeat but she extended her leave by several more months. Nine months in I was comfortable enough with new T that I would have declined to go back to T had she returned. T is still on leave, and I don't mind at all now. Both Ts have strengths and weaknesses and new Ts strengths align more with what I need at the moment, so I am staying put. When ex T comes back from leave I might see her from time to time when my current T goes on vacation or whatever. It actually feels safer to be somewhat attached (as much as I am able at any rate) to two Ts… if something happens to my current t I know other T will be back at some point and I will be able to see her again. So there is safety there with that.

I do think you are overthinking your Ts comments to you and viewing them through the lens of abandonment. I know that is not a conscious choice, but a triggered response to the sense of abandonment caused by your T going on leave. My T said all the same kinds of things too. She had a duty of care to me, just like your T has a duty of care to you. Once she knew she was leaving, my Ts job was to set me up for success with another T. She needed to open my mind to the possibility of connecting with someone else. (I too did not believe it possible, or want that to happen). So she said a lot of things that I perceived as evidence of her wanting to get rid of me, too, but now I realize they were things she had to say. She had to help me emotionally disconnect from her and connect to someone else. She had to push for that because she knew I needed it.

Your T may say lots of other things that you will perceive as evidence of her not "wanting" to see you anymore, but the reality is in a few months she is not going to be able to see you. She needs to say those things because that is her duty of care to you. She needs to help move you closer to accepting what's happening, and she needs to help you detach a bit from her. My T said all those kinds of things to me too. At the time I hated it because I did not want to leave her, but in retrospect I can see that she said those things because even though I didn't want it it really was going to happen. She had to keep nudging me away from her and towards new T. But yes very nudge felt cruel. Every nudge felt like a rejection. But those nudges needed to be given, even though I didn't want them.

I think I wrote too much, sorry I will stop now.

I'm really sorry, Scarlet. I can't imagine how difficult this is. Actually, I can a bit, because my T goes away every summer for four months and I have to do without him. But I have the benefit of being able to email him or even call in an emergency.

I think your T is saying it's ok to be attached to someone else for a few reasons -

1) it may make your separation from her easier to handle and process
2) I think it would border on unethical for her to tell you that you can't be attached to someone else; it would be like isolating you to her which is unethical and then not being able to provide you any services would be the a second issue

I don't see any evidence at all that she is trying to get rid of you. I think she is trying to manage the situation as best as she can, respecting your feelings and the impact this has on you.

Is this her first child? If so - remember - this is a learning curve for her as well. If she has never had to take a leave from clinical work, she is also navigating these new waters.

Interviewing the interim T is not a bad idea. If you are going to do any depth of work with them, the rapport is so crucial and you want a good fit. If you are not going to get into anything too deep while current T is away, and just want them to sustain you until she gets back, maybe rapport is less important. I'm not sure tho.

This past summer my T went away for his four months two weeks after I got out of the hospital for my suicide attempt. I got five sessions with someone else through our work program, but she wasn't a good fit and I didn't really like her a lot. I stuck it out for the five sessions because I promised my regular T I would, but had it been any longer I would have found a better fit. So all that to say - I guess it depends what kind of work you want to do with interim T, that will decide your next steps. Maybe you just want a break for six months and pick up where you left off.

It's all been useful to me so thank you! As you say every nudge is bloody painful.

Hehe. Sorry you get to read the same information said in pretty much the same way in two different paragraphs at the end!

If that is going to happen it won't necessarily be all negative. You might be in a different, better place then, found a new T you want to work with instead of her etc.

I second to someone saiying that good referrals would be the best gift for you in this case. But if you want something concrete, maybe a plant if she is into them?

I realize this makes your abandonment bells ring and this is a difficult situation, but try to remember she is not abandoning you. She has given you plenty of time to prepare, ideas and referrals for your care etc. She cares about you a lot obviously and tries to help you to sail smoothly through it all.

Wise words, and to Scarlet-- I think you've made so much progress on your "black and white thinking" or however you want to put it; you've opened yourself up to advice or different perspectives on this board, and seem more willing to make changes or consider possibilities as well as clearly communicating your needs.

But as "abandonment bells" speaks to me-- working towards seeing the thing for what it truly is as opposed to a more catastrophic-extreme rendition of itself-- that can really be useful. Our thoughts and feelings impact each other.

An example: I saw my spouse die before my eyes.

If I told you he died of cancer, peacefully at home, it feels different. This is what actually happened.

If I told you he'd been killed by a bus, it feels different.

If I told you he'd been killed by a robber in a convenience store, it feels different.

Anyway death happens is going to be hard, like "abandonment." In my case, being there for my spouse as he died actually gives me a sense of comfort about his death, whereas if I'd lost him some other way, the witnessing of it would increase the traumatic loss of what happened.

Your T is not leaving you because you're a horrible BPD client that she wants no more of and unlike anyone who left because they said or implied that you weren't good enough to stay for, that's not what's happening. She wants to start out mothering (this baby at least, I don't know if she has other/s) with six months of leave so she can focus on her baby without the distractions of work-- and when your work involves listening to the pain and painful events of other people's lives, I really get that. This is also a big part of the work that I do, and while I don't really take it home with me, it does affect me, and I need distance from it.

See the thing for what it is, not as you're making it out to be.

I am so sorry this is going to impact you, but remember she has her own life too which will be her utmost priority. Try to respect this.

If she is a professional however, she will come up with an action plan for her patients. Likely this will mean seeing another therapist for the interim. While irksome, this might not be so bad. A fresh experience and insight might just be a healthy temporary change. I would thus try to look for something positive in this situation. Not all change is negative. This might be a time to evaluate and make changes to your personal care program. Maybe you might be able to rely more on your support network. Let them know the difficulty this all presents and come up with a plan that includes them. Great luck, ok?

I am taking in everyone's advice. I really appreciate it. It's just so hard. The "abandonment bells" are ringing so loud. I wish my ex-Pdoc would come back. I would be a lot more secure if I had her as my back up. But that's what's so scary: I don't have a back up. T is my rock. I'm actually thinking of maybe contacting ex-Pdoc. Maybe she can provide some support? Probably not because I'm no longer a client, but at least I can tell her what's going on.

I also realize I'm catastrophizing. It's hard not to given my current situation and my past. I've been abandoned by so many people. And the future looks bleak for me: can't afford IVF, can't afford to keep the house, T going away, etc. Just because I can survive, doesn't mean I want to.

Btw, this is her second child. She's taking off early because her first child came early. She's also not promising 6 months because she can't predict what will happen. This is partially why I want something of her: if she wants it back, she has to see me at least one more time.

Slow down, Scarlett. This isn’t happening immediately. Your T will help get things lined up before she goes on leave. You’re in panic mode and think it all has to be solved immediately when there is time. She’s not abandoning you; it may feel that way but sometimes feelings are not reality. I suggest honestly not doing anything right now. You know the old advice about not getting a new haircut when you are depressed? Kind of like that. There is time, and right now you need to slow your thinking down so that you stop doing mental gymnastics and find your logic again. (I think you T suggested reviewing some homework about this very thing?)