T is pregnant

I'm still super depressed. And now I'm sick

I sent T an email:Please don't tell me that you think what I wrote was wrong. It doesn't matter because I already sent it. All I can do now is wait for a reply. I really hope she gives me some sort of reassurance!

How do you feel about what you wrote?

I'm sorry that this feels so terrible and I hope you can find some distance from it soon. Sounds like a very tough way to live.

I wonder if it might be helpful to you to consider the impact your email might have on your T, as in how would she feel and think in response to getting it? Understanding how your message as a receiver might help you make sense of the reply you get from her.

The first thing is that you have asked for something(s) from her, quite a number of requests, and you've asked this to happen now, when it's about the future. Maybe 4 months doesn't seem like a lot of time for you, but I think for a pregnant woman, it is. Getting ready for a new baby is consuming, even under the best of circumstances. And what if she knows, or is worried about, a medical problem with the baby? If she had a preemie before, it's likely she'll have another, with all the hospital stays and doctor visits that entails. Then there is finding childcare so she can go back to work, and that's difficult when you don't know what your actual needs are going to be. Maybe the long and short of it is that she just doesn't know for sure in way you've asked, but what she's told you is all she knows for sure. It's possible she can't give you the reassurance you need. If she could, it seems like maybe she would have done it already.

As others have pointed out in this thread, the "bells of abandonment" are ringing loudly for you right now, and that may be pushing you into communication that may have unintended effects. Does the self fulfilling prophesy ring a bell? If not, a brief explanation: Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - Examples and Definition

I feel a lot of pressure when I read your email to your T, imagining myself in her shoes. There's some kind of pop culture theory about the "dance of intimacy" between people, where one person pressing forward causes the other to step back. Sometimes the pressure feels like another person pushing us away. I've been on both sides of this dance, the one who's abandoned and the one who runs away. It's something for both people to work on, and I think an opportunity to negotiate this with a T is an unique one, because of their professional commitment to the relationship. But it might be helpful for you to try to take a step back and look at what you wrote to her and whether this is similar or different to how you've handled things in the past. It might be an opportunity for you to turn on a few light bulb moments.

I feel good about what I wrote, honestly. I feel I said what I needed to say. I don't hide thoughts or feelings from my T. And if I'm addressing her wrong, she'll tell me. For example, I told her I hated her once and she told me that it hurt and makes it hard to want to help me. Another example is I was putting blame on her for not helping me if I have a financial problem, and she brought it to my attention that she isn't the cause of my problem. I'm honest with T and T is honest with me. We say hard truths like she told me that she doesn't love me.

I also think I was honest pointing out that it's hard to hold two opposing feelings at the same time: being happy and sad about the situation. Maybe I wasn't directly clear (I was crying when I wrote it), but I think she will recognize my acknowledgement of something I struggle with.

I'm having a hard time understanding why it feels like pressure and/or how it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I write lists to her often. Doesn't mean she'll agree to any of it. It's just requests. She already knows most of them. Seeing a picture of the baby, making a baby blanket, duel session with new T before she leaves, are all things she's already agreed to. A personal item from her, she said she'll think about. And the rest, isn't asking too much. And she knows that I'm not demanding it now. I'd like these things at different times: making a baby blanket while she's gone, letter right before she leaves, seeing the baby's picture after she comes back. Nothing was demanded now.

I don't understand how this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, part of me wants to push her away, but I'm not threatening to cancel sessions or anything. She knows I struggle with the push and pull of BPD. I tell her when I feel like it. And as I stated in my other response, I'm always honest with my T about my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I wasn't 100% clear because I was in an emotional state?

I also do not expect a discussion over email. She won't do it, and I know it's best she doesn't. She will probably respond thanking me for telling her my feelings and that we'll talk about it on Thursday. And if I did something wrong, she'll tell me in session. But I really don't think I did anything wrong. It's never my intention. And if I did, I'll apologize and try to understand.

But a lot of it had to be said. There's no easy way to talk about how her pregnancy is going to negatively affect me. But it does. It's one of the reasons I want to make a baby blanket is to have a positive connection about the baby. I also just want to give her a gift. And telling her I'm jealous because she's pregnant is not easy either, but it's the truth. I talked to the crisis person and she told me what I'm feeling is normal for anyone struggling with infertility.

And one last thing, I did ask that no one tell what I wrote was wrong. I mostly posted it as a way to release some pain, so maybe someone can see my pain, and so I can get some support.

In my perspective, I did not tell you that you were wrong and to the best of my ability, tried to tell you how I saw it, without blaming or shaming or anything else. In my view, I offered you support and I made it clear I'd been there. I tried to offer a different perspective from a different place, something that was understandable to me so I shared it.

That you can't accept what I offer is your issue. And if what I said doesn't fit your situation, that's okay by me. You know better than anyone what the dynamics around your communication mean and how they work for you, and I hope it all works out in the way you want.

Whoa! I didn't mean to come off ungrateful for your perspective or opinion. I just didn't understand it. If I took your response the wrong way, that is my own problem. I did feel like you were criticizing my email. I'm sorry I upset you though. That was not my intention. Again, like the email, I thought I was being clear and honest. Maybe it's simply that my style of communication isn't something you like or are used to.

From my perspective, I was suggesting you look at the possible effects of your communication, which to me is not criticizing the email. How did she hear it? I tried to "listen" to your email from that perspective.

I'm not upset. If I was upset or felt negative about what you wrote, I'd do one of my posts where I say something like I'm done with this thread. But where I agree with you is that I could be more open minded about criticism directed towards me.

As to your style of communication, if telling me that I did something you asked responders not to do, rather than considering I was doing the best I could to adhere to your request, and am likely to be imperfect even on my best day is simply "clear and honest," then I guess I am not so crazy about it. It seemed to me like you interpreted what I said in the worst way possible, "you did exactly what I said not to do", rather than perhaps something more positive than that. It doesn't encourage interaction; it closes it off.

The main reason I didn't want opinions on my email is because I already sent it. There's nothing I can do to change it, or make it better. I do appreciate your support even if I misinterpreted it. And I'm sorry that you felt I closed off interaction. A lot of what I wrote, my T already knows about it, and hopefully, she assumed the rest (i.e. feelings of jealousy). I could be totally wrong though.

This is a really hard process for me. My worst fears are possible. But, in my opinion, I think for me I'm doing good with it. I haven't cut, I didn't call my T over the weekend, I'm a little open to seeing a new T, and I'm coming to accept that this is reality. I need to process this over and over and over again. I need to address all my feelings before it's too late. Four months might be long to a pregnant woman and six months might be a short leave for her, but to me it's opposite. And I am the client, so I'm supposed to talk to her about these things. If she were any other person, I wouldn't say a word.

Please understand though that I'm hurting and this is hard for me. It's triggering my past big time, and I am trying my best in this situation. Also, I really am sorry for the miscommunication.

I think it is a good letter, and you’ve sent it, so I’m sure you will discuss the contents in your next session.

This isn’t a criticism, but more of a heads up. The one thing she may challenge you on is “You’re my therapist, and you’re the one who’s hurting me.” I suspect she’ll challenge that thinking. She isn’t hurting you; that was NEVER her motivation. The circumstances are causing you pain because of your fears of abandonment, but no one has “done” that TO you. That kind of thinking is what is feeding your abandonment fears, and that, I’m sure, is what you expect she’ll work with you on anyway.

I suspect the other thing she’ll work with you on is slowing down your need to “fix” things, “do” things, etc. right NOW. I think she already reminded you of that in a previous interaction if I’m recalling correctly.

It’s good that you have written down your thoughts. I hope at this point you can hold on to them until your next session and in the meantime work on keeping your mind busy with other things. There is time, Scarlett. Give this time. Give your therapist time. Breathe.

Thank you for the reply. I didn't even realize I said that. I'm blaming her, and that's not what I want to do. I want her to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby. I bet she's a good mom. I want her to be happy. The situation, however, is the problem for me.

I'm trying to slow down. It's hard. Like that email, all I meant to say was that I feel like she's abandoning me. And then I was filled with emotions and went all out. But I've made it a few days without calling her. And I have been trying to distract myself. I picked up my crocheting again. And my H and I play a computer game together. My dad took me out to a cool store, and Saturday we built an entertainment center. I'm not just sitting mopping around. Nights are the hardest because there's nothing to distract your thoughts right before you go to sleep.

T replied! And it was positive. She said she was proud of me for making so long without calling her. She said she is planning on coming back to work, but she'll reassure me more on Thursday. And she said she wants to talk about everything I wrote. Then she made a joke that I should make it my goal to shower for the new year. Oh, and she said that she hopes over time I can see that she understands.

In my opinion, it just enough of a response that I needed. Who wouldn't be happy with a little bit of reassurance, being proud, and being understanding from their T?

That sounds like a great response, Scarlet!

Im so glad she replied to you and reassured you, hugs

I'm struggling again. What if something happens to my T or her baby? How will I know? What if she extends her leave? How will I know that? Will I just suffer waiting for her to communicate with me? None of this is fair to me. I know, I know, what I want is unfair to her. It's a win/lose situation and I'm on the losing end.

I can't stop "future tripping" as my T called it. And I'm sorry, but I can't be patient. I need as many answers as soon as I possibly can get them. I can't wait till the last minute. We always plan out scenarios. It's not fair that she never went over this scenario.

I've also discovered that I'm mad at my T. I don't like it, and I'm not 100% sure where it's coming from. I guess it's not logical, but feelings sometimes don't follow logic. I just want my T to keep in contact with me, but I know better than to bring that up. The answer is no no matter what I do or say.

I wrote another email. I'm afraid to post it. I just don't think anyone is understanding what I'm feeling. I'm in so much emotional pain when I think about this. Last email I wrote, I only meant to say that I felt like she was abandoning me. This email I only meant to say how will I know if/when she's coming back. And instead in both emails, I emotionally vomited.

I don't think I can face her again. It's just too much pain. And why delay the inevitable? She's leaving no matter what I say or do.

I'm just besides myself. I'm crying so much, I caused a headache. I just can't do this.

Scarlet, Reddit R/psychotherapy has a few threads with the T's discussing being pregnant from the opposite view. I really feel for you. It is ridiculously unfair that while you are struggling to get pregnant your T is leaving you bc she is pregnant. I lost a pregnancy very late( and don't have children), and My T's decision to have a huge picture of his late-in-life kids right in my line of vision has caused me so much turmoil- I feel he is insensitive or even bragging in my worst moments. I really don't think I could handle this situation as well as you are. She is going to go through a big inward process and time in her life the is about her family. However, there is a good chance she will miss work and come back ( my psychologist friend found she was antsy to get back to her clients after having both her first and second babies). It isn't personal to you, but that is kind of the problem with therapy. It feels exquisitely personal until the T's needs crash into the patient's needs. Then it comes clear that yes T cares, but yes we are their work.

Must be hard to feel that way. Have you thought what is it that your T could actually do to make you feel better? Something that is realistic and possible (asking her to work on her leave is not)? She obviously heard you and reassured you the way you wanted, you seemed so happy after she answered, but it didn't last very long before you were angry again. Maybe there really is nothing that can be handed to you that makes a difference? Is it possible you try to use the skills you have learned in therapy and sit with the uncomfortable feelings for a bit? And show a little trust things will work out. You'll have another session very soon where you can address your worries again.

These are excellent suggestions, and it reminded me of when you were going through the loss of your last T. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to look back at your former posts on this board as you were going through that, to see the way you coped with that loss, how you flourished afterwards.

I am aware of the concept that some folks just want empathic responses and no "fix it" suggestions or advice. Sometimes advice just feels hostile or like criticism. But I think I understand what it's like to be overwhelmed by grief and the potential for loss, and it is so very, very hard. I wish you weren't going through this, and the timing of it is absolutely the worst.

I recall when my H was dying and I had so many worries on my mind, I'd ask T, "is it all going to be okay?" And he would say, kindly, "I don't know." Sometimes I'd be furious that he couldn't "lie" and tell me it would be okay, I insisted this is what he should do, but now I see he promoted a sense of my own empowerment, that only I could decide if it was going to be okay, and only I could in fact make it okay. Sometimes he would say, "I think so. You are dealing with what's coming down the road" or he would say "You have survived worse" (that one could sting as it was a reminder of my CSA)." Other times he would remind me that I'd coped in the past with X and maybe X would be helpful now.

I hope for you that you can take some of your own reassurance from the fact that you have been through this before, and it was okay. At least that's my take on it. I am sorry for what you are going through, and I hope something I said may have helped a bit, or at least that you know I tried.

I get it--I haven't heard the term "future tripping," but I do something similar. I was talking to T about this recently, where I tend to focus on the past or the future, but not the present. He said it's an anxiety thing.

As for wanting to know if something happens to your T, have you ever asked if she has a notification plan in place, if that should happen? I asked my T about it once, and he said that all therapists should have a plan. His was that his wife would notify his clients, but of course then I thought "But what if something happens to both of them at once?" (I didn't ask that.)

My T has told me "I'm not going anywhere," like he's not going to bail on me because I'm too much or because I opt to see another T for a bit. At some point recently, I mentioned my fears that he'd decide to focus solely on sports psychology, or decide he wants a job in another field, or that he or his wife would get some job across the country and they'd move. And he said "those things could happen. Or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow." (Though he did say he had no intention of moving.) And part of me was upset that he wouldn't reassure me that those things wouldn't happen (I mean, obviously, he can't know about the bus). At the same time, as I thought about it more, it's better in a way that he's not promising something that he might not be able to deliver on. Because who knows what he might decide to do, say, 5 years from now? And I think it would hurt me much more if he promised something then changed plans. And I need to learn to live with uncertainty in general. Anxiety makes me want to be able to control everything, but in reality, I can't.

Also, if you want to share your second email to your T, feel free to PM me. I've sent all kinds of stuff to ex-MC and current T, so I can't really judge it.