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Default Jan 10, 2019 at 01:58 PM
  #121
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Originally Posted by Elio View Post
For my one of my birthday's after I'd gotten attached, I went through my T's messages to me and wrote a letter to myself using T's words as if it was coming from my T. I then had my T read it and sign it, as if it was a b-day card from her. Not sure if it would help you, I think it was an interesting exercise for me and possibly helped in internalizing T.
I always forget that I had T right down reassurances in my journal!

Maybe I should print out the emails and have her sign it? But I'm not to big on writing a letter to myself. It would feel weird. I did it once with ex-T. I still have it somewhere...

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:33 AM
  #122
I'm so depressed. I'm probably only going to see T, at most, probably 8 more times! I don't want this to happen.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:52 AM
  #123
We covered a lot today: consent forms, questions for woman T, goals when I'm with woman T, dual sessions, if I'm a high risk client (yes and no), if I can be her last client on the last day she works (no), if I can see her the last 2 weeks (yes), if I can bring the rock and stuff animal for her to hold and "recharge" (yes), will she tell me the gender of the baby (yes), and if we can make a deal: I not cut and she tells me her birthday (no, we'll talk about it when she comes back). She said if I'm actively cutting or suicidal, then she might not see me right away when she comes back. She said that if I need to see her weekly, then she might not see me right away either. Honestly, I get the feeling that she's telling me she's not going to see me when she gets back no matter what happens. I need to talk to her more about this.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 03:10 AM
  #124
Here's the email I sent her tonight:
Quote:
T,
Okay, this is festering in my head and making me cry. I know you'll say we'll talk about it next time we meet, but I have to get it out. It seems like all your scenarios are only about the negative things. Is this simply because you're going over worst case scenarios? It really really bothers me to think that those scenarios are actually possible. And then today, you said that if I do feel rejected, that I'll just have to deal with it with the interim therapist. That really hurt! It felt like you just blew me off. See, I can sort of understand the scenario if I'm not stable. I don't like it, but I can sort of see why. But if you come back, and I want to see you weekly to process what happened and to reconnect, and you're only working a few hours a week, so you refuse to see me...then you'll be seeing other clients, preferring them over me, caring about them more than me...yes that's rejection. That would be abandonment to me. And you saying to just deal with it with the interim therapist?!?! You don't care! And you saying that I'm not going to like your answer about me asking if I'm a burden. That it's a hard question. And now I have to sit with this for two weeks! Do you not see how hard I'm trying to cope with all of this? That I'm trying to accept this as a reality and look at it with some hope and optimism? And that I'm trying to process as much as I can with YOU because that will help me the most right now? And did you know that we probably only have 8 more sessions together, if that! And don't forget everything else I'm dealing with too on top of this! I'm trying so hard, T! You got to see that! This is so hard for me, and I'm trying my best to handle it the best I can!!! I just want you to come back. I want you to be my therapist again. I want what you said: where you won't abandon me, that you'll be there... But I'm so scared. I'm really afraid you're going to reject me. Especially if I'm a burden now...why would you want me back? I guess I'm crying myself to sleep tonight.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 04:23 AM
  #125
About the burden thing:

I don't like the word, to me is sounds too negative BUT if it was a word you picked, I understand the usage. But probably the meaning could be "extra work". Your T seems to be extremely honest. Even if she means you are extra work, she has not said she is not willing to do it. It is part of her work and she knows it, she doesn't deny it or object it. Maybe she meant that.
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 04:43 AM
  #126
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Originally Posted by elisewin View Post
About the burden thing:

I don't like the word, to me is sounds too negative BUT if it was a word you picked, I understand the usage. But probably the meaning could be "extra work". Your T seems to be extremely honest. Even if she means you are extra work, she has not said she is not willing to do it. It is part of her work and she knows it, she doesn't deny it or object it. Maybe she meant that.
Could be. Which is why I need to talk to her about this... desperately. But she wants me to wait 2 weeks until we meet again. She said that she felt I was capable of waiting... Yes though, my T is extremely honest. I told her from the start that that is what I want, and based upon experience with her, I'd say she's kept her word. There is one promising thing she said during session and that's that we don't sweep things under the rug. My anxiety is super high, I'm on the defensive, I'm trying to get everything sorted before she leaves. And I need to know where I/we stand in the relationship. It's just so hard!

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 05:06 AM
  #127
Try to trust your T's judgement - you can wait to discuss it again. What skills have you practised before in difficult situations? What have you found helpful? What do you enjoy doing to get distracted? Maybe movies, reading, walking outdoors, whatever you do to calm down and enjoy. You can talk with her in session again and trust that she is truthful in what she says and answers. The interim T sounds promising too. You are in good hands, it is just a maternity leave, not an abandonment or the end of the world.
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 09:35 AM
  #128
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Which is why I need to talk to her about this... desperately. But she wants me to wait 2 weeks until we meet again. She said that she felt I was capable of waiting.
Without demeaning how difficult this is for you, another reason to wait until your next session is because she would like you to. This is a working relationship, which means that it is not exclusively about what you want or need. Considering her request and trying to accommodate her wishes are part of your job in a relationship. Could you write an email to her and instead of sending it, keep it in your draft mailbox, or print it out and save it and any others. It could be an exploration of what it's like for you to express your feelings to yourself and think about these things without asking her to do something else for you outside of session. It seems important for you to do because in a few months she will not be able to respond to you at all, so working towards the place where you can cope without emailing seems like it would be useful.
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 11:08 AM
  #129
At first, I felt angry at your therapist about not seeing you weekly when she comes back. However, after more thought, here is what I think. If she were to see you weekly when she first comes back and is working fewer hours, that will most likely delay when another client can get back on her schedule. So it's not so much choosing another client over you, it's choosing as many of her clients as possible, including you. I don't know if that helps. Can you see the interim therapist on the off weeks?
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 11:48 AM
  #130
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At first, I felt angry at your therapist about not seeing you weekly when she comes back. However, after more thought, here is what I think. If she were to see you weekly when she first comes back and is working fewer hours, that will most likely delay when another client can get back on her schedule. So it's not so much choosing another client over you, it's choosing as many of her clients as possible, including you. I don't know if that helps. Can you see the interim therapist on the off weeks?
I'm not sure, but that's a great question to ask interim T! That makes sense about the other clients. I just want to see her as soon as possible when she gets back.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #131
Response from T:
Quote:
Hi Scarlet,
I'm glad the last email helped. Yes I'm going over the worst just cause I thought that was helpful to you, but we can talk about ideal scenarios too. And yes we'll talk about this next time, but I'm sorry my responses made you feel rejected. That's not my intention. I do see how hard you are trying and I'm very impressed with your ability to cope right now. Try to not let your head get ahead of itself with all these scenarios and know we'll address them together!
Take care,
T

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:11 PM
  #132
That seems like a really good, caring response, Scarlet. How do you feel about it?
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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:23 PM
  #133
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That seems like a really good, caring response, Scarlet. How do you feel about it?
I feel good about it. I feel like she listened, understood, validated, and reassured me. I did find it very caring. It's a short response, but that's normal. I'm content with it.

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