Questions for new part-time T

He does have his PhD. That could explain the four degrees especially if he got his AA.

He looks young too, not just that he graduated 2-3 years ago.

True that I might not feel as guilty about attaching to him since he's a different gender than T. My fear with attaching to a man is I might confuse attachment with attraction. Not physical, but emotional. It will basically be the second time I've had a male T. First one was a DBT group T. He was young too, and not skilled. But he was nice. I had one individual session with him, and it was good.

T and ex-T are/was close to my age. Ex-T was a year younger and T is a few years older than me. I also like having someone closer to my age. But this T seems to be in his late 20's

There is one other thing that might be a good thing. He says he helps with religious and spiritual problems. I'm hoping that applies to non-christian people. He does state that he's Christian. I don't want to be converted back. But if he can help me come to terms with my beliefs, that could be a blessing in disguise.

I know I'm nitpicking him. And I know it's because I don't want another T. But his modalities are almost perfect for me and he does treat BPD. You're right that he might be more enthusiastic and up to date (though my T is continually taking classes to be up to date as well. He is a different gender than T which might be a good thing.

I'll just have to see how he responds and go from there. If he has availability and is willing to see me, I'll ask more questions.

SorryOozit,
I don't find your posts supportive. You clearly don't care about the problem I stated in the beginning. And I feel you're being rude and judgemental.

I look up everyone I meet in a professional capacity: pcp, Pdoc, Ts, hair dresser. A lot of people, especially on this forum, do. It's not a sin; it's public information. I tell them I've looked them up and try to help them block information if that is something they want (one T didn't care). I just want to see how they live their lives. It tells me more about who they are as a person. For example: it makes me feel safer knowing this new T is married. Or that he's a dog lover so we have something in common.

It wasn't the nicest way to put it, but I imagine he's trying to point out that it's concerning because boundaries are already blurry and you haven't even met him

I think it’s perfectly fine to look up persons credentials and go on their professional website. I think looking up their professional FB page is fine too. Looking up if they are married is fine too as it’s important. But I’d refrain from going on guy’s wife’s Facebook page. She isn’t your therapist so I’d avoid that.

Also if you really don’t want to get attached, maybe staying off his personal life like his wife’s page could help you to not develop too much of attachment. Just a thought

I agree that I probably shouldn't have looked up his wife, but at the same time, she tagged him in a photo and that was the only link I had. I actually thought it was his sister. His profile is locked completely besides that one photo. I learned through her, what he is like. If he does end up being my T, I plan on telling him about the picture. I also will tell him he made a mistake on his website.

I don't plan on looking him up again. I was just looking for basic information. Like I said, I look everyone up. But I usually only look once.

With current T, I used to look her up all the time because I wanted to see her pictures. We made a compromise: I no longer look her up and she'd give me a stuffed animal. So I downloaded some pictures of her (just her, not her family), and I've kept to my promise all but one time and that was completely on accident. I haven't looked her up in months. And it reduced my obsession and some anxiety.

Learning that this T is married and has a dog are too very important pieces of information for me.

Boundaries aren't blurred. I don't see how this blurrs boundaries. Again, I look up everyone. I've looked up Ts, Pdocs, PCPs, hair stylist, ob/gyn, past friends, etc. Beyond that, I don't pry into their lives. Sure I might ask a question here and there (i.e. what's your favorite color?), but for the most part, I let them tell me about themselves.

I think it might blurr boundaries because his FB profile is locked so it’s a sign that he doesn’t want strangers to look at it but you went through his wife. You looked up her and her pictures and she has not part of the equation. Not saying it’s illegal or dangerous but just something that blurrs boundaries. Doesn’t matter if she is a sister or a wife. If you wanted to know if he is married or has dogs you could ask your current therapist. She probably would tell you that.

Again not saying you have malicious intent at all but it’s just something to look into if you tend to become attached to people. Just something to be aware.

I understand. I just don't see it as "wrong", "blurring boundaries", or increasing my attachment. I have no attachment to this guy. I don't want to be attached to him. And honestly, I don't know if I attach to men at all. I'm not emotionally attached to my H. Not attached to my dad. I don't really trust men. I do get attached to women. I'm much more emotionally involved with women, than men. But even that, I'm not attached to every woman or even every T I've met. I wasn't attached to one T, and I looked her up. And I attached to another before there was psychology today or FB. I'm not attached to my hair stylist, current Pdoc, or ob/gyn....and I've looked them up.

It might be a correlation, but it's definitely not a causation which I feel like people are trying to say.

Can we now get off this topic and refocus on questions for him or another T? Please, thank you.

Maybe that’s the main point here-questions for the actual therapist (s)

While I agree on one hand with a discussion about boundaries and limitations (like contact outside of sessions), I also think one needs to let one's T figure things out on their own and tailor therapy accordingly. That is their job after all. It is fair to bring up a diagnosis but remember that is someone else's opinion. If the therapist is at all a good professional they will figure you out on their own.

It is absolutely paramount that you tell your prospective therapist that you in fact do have some concerns that may limit your participation and cooperation. As with your expectations of your therapist you must realise they will have their own of you. It would be both of your responsibilities to find the middle ground.

DBT? If you are of the opinion that CBT is wrong for you likely DBT would be as well. Both require same if not identical homework; particularly of spending time recording thoughts and writing things down. They both require a great commitment to doing so. They are also facilitated over a set period time.

Which brings me to add other questions for you to ask a prospective therapist. Do they wish to work within a certain period of time? Do they wish to assign a goal to work towards which upon completion would cease the therapy? In what way will successes be measured and what will it look like when the time comes to consider therapy complete? And of course, how often should sessions occur?

New T called. He's okay with being an interim T, but not a back up T. I told him to talk to my T. He allows out of session contact and seems to be willing to follow the same process as T and I do (i.e. email updates, call in emergencies). He's $15 more expensive than T which is hard for me to justify paying when T has more experience. But he said he might have a sliding scale open in April. I meet with him next Wednesday! I'm so scared. I'm so torn between not wanting another T and knowing that I'll need one. And this is a guy! Really scary for me. But I'm going to try.

Kudos to you for being proactive about getting the support you need lined up for yourself. I'm glad he seems like a viable option so far. What's the difference between an interim T and a backup T? Like you can see him during your T's maternity leave but not if she goes on vacation later once she's back?

That seems encouraging and like he'd be willing to work with you on cost. I like having a guy T--seems easier to talk to than my female ex-T, but that's me. I tend to find it easier to talk to guys. Seems good to meet with him now so you have time to find someone else if you don't think he'll work out.

Exactly. I can see him for however length of time, but I can't see current T at the same time. T wanted him to be available to me like when she goes on vacation, but he doesn't like that idea. Oh well. I guess she's stuck with me...which makes me worry even more that I'm a burden to her!

Yeah. Idk. My gut is saying no because of him not willing to be a backup T, and because of the cost. That and I'm still iffy about him being a guy. But I'll still give it a try. Worst case is it's a no go. And that might not even be the worst thing.

Well, maybe my gut was right. The guy called and told me he thinks it might be better if I work with this other female T... He said that since his practice is already established and full, and she's just starting hers, that she'll be more available to me.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel rejected. But maybe it's for the best, right? I didn't get a good vibe anyways. But now I run the risk of being attached.

And this is sooo judgemental of me, but I've seen two pictures of her...she needs to do something about her hair! It looks so dull and greasy if that's even possible at the same time. And she looks older. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I wonder if she has kids? What if she goes on maternity leave at some point! Oye! I also wonder if this is her second career. She just graduated in 2017! But the guy T said she's good with BPD. And that she's nice.

I'm so scared. I don't want to do this! I wish I was strong enough to just go on my own.

I'm sorry, Scarlet, but like you said, maybe for the best than after you'd started working with him. As for the potential female T, could just be bad old photos--I mean, my T doesn't really look in person like the photos on his website. Maybe she's figured out the hair thing by now? Or it looks better in person?

Are you going to set up a session with her? If so, you could certainly express your maternity leave fears. And maybe ask about it being her second career. And anything else you want to know. I hope it works out with her.

Thanks. The only reason I worry about her hair is self care. I think if you're going to advertise yourself, you should have a professional picture taken (or a picture that looks professional anyways). But you're right, pictures often don't do a person justice. All my doctors at the clinic look like crap in their pictures. And ex-T has a picture up there thats minimum 5 years old. And then there's always driver's license photos...lol.

I hope things will work out with her too. I don't like T shopping. When I see T on Monday, we'll hopefully come up with questions. I hope I can meet this new T soon. I'm anxious and would like to put some of this to rest.

If it helps, my T wears nylons with sandals. I don’t know anyone in 2018 doing that. Her hair do us really bad too. Clean but really no style, just kind of hanging stringy and she is in her 60s. Lol but she is good. So don’t worry about looks especially not on the pic!