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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 01:33 PM
  #41
I have witnessed some ugly shoes on the feet of therapists and psychiatrists, but nothing as heinous as nylons with sandals. I have also noticed a propensity for therapists to wear large, clunky necklaces. The last therapist and the last psychiatrist both had a pair of little boots that I hated. I want to say the current therapist has a pair, too, but I think I might be imagining that. If she does, she hasn't worn them in a while.

On the topic of pictures, in my area at least, very few therapists get a professional picture. Some of them have truly terrible ones that are really blurry, have other people in it, look like they were taken during a night out (this is really popular for some reason), and ones where they are inappropriately attired. Many therapists were eliminated based on their extremely poor judgement in choosing a picture for their psychology today profile. However, I don't think I'd rule someone out based on their hair unless it was really, really bad. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about dull hair, I don't think. And if it's dull, it seems like that would automatically make it appear greasy even if it's not.
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 01:57 PM
  #42
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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
I have witnessed some ugly shoes on the feet of therapists and psychiatrists, but nothing as heinous as nylons with sandals. I have also noticed a propensity for therapists to wear large, clunky necklaces. The last therapist and the last psychiatrist both had a pair of little boots that I hated. I want to say the current therapist has a pair, too, but I think I might be imagining that. If she does, she hasn't worn them in a while.

On the topic of pictures, in my area at least, very few therapists get a professional picture. Some of them have truly terrible ones that are really blurry, have other people in it, look like they were taken during a night out (this is really popular for some reason), and ones where they are inappropriately attired. Many therapists were eliminated based on their extremely poor judgement in choosing a picture for their psychology today profile. However, I don't think I'd rule someone out based on their hair unless it was really, really bad. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about dull hair, I don't think. And if it's dull, it seems like that would automatically make it appear greasy even if it's not.

Yeah, ex-MC dressed really horribly, like a blazer that was way too big on him, a dress shirt with huge sleeves, a red polo shirt that looked about 15 years old, shoes that he never polished and, at one point, had the soles coming off. I think he was just someone who wasn't concerned with his appearance, and it had nothing to do with how he was as a T.

Meanwhile, current T is very meticulous in his appearance, shaving (and I think dying, based on past photos) his beard just so, wearing shirts that fit him well, stylish (and polished) shoes, etc. (Honestly, he's a bit *too* into his appearance for my taste in men!) Ex-T also dressed very well (one of the things she said multiple times was "I love Nordstrom!") But I think of a past T I had years ago who was pretty good, but wore really ugly cardigans, really bad shoes, etc. I think some just care about appearance more than others (I'm someone who tends to focus on my outside appearance, though some of that comes from my mom and my perfectionist tendencies).
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 02:25 PM
  #43
You're all right. I shouldn't judge her based on her photo. I guess I'm just nitpicking her photo looking for something wrong. Or I'm comparing her to T who dresses real nice and looks good always.

Good news though! I talked to her on the phone just now. She seems really nice. I have a better gut feeling about her than I did the guy. She was nice and even asked how I felt about the guy transferring me to her. I told her it felt like rejection, and she said she understands. I don't know. Everything she said was right on point. She said that she understands the anxiety and one of our goals will be to cope with that anxiety. She also said she wants me to feel supported while T is on leave. On top of that, she's open to out of session contact as well as giving me a sliding scale. Her days/hours are weird. My appointment with her is next Wednesday at 8pm?!?! I have to drive over an hour to see her, so I won't be home until 10pm. H probably isn't going to like that, but oh well. She did tell me that I'm probably going to have to be flexible with my schedule, which I don't like, but whatever.

I feel better now after talking to her. I think this might be the one. I feel a little bad that this isn't who my T had planned for me, but at the same time she didn't actually know the guy. I wonder if she knows this woman? That could be cool, and awkward.

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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 02:38 PM
  #44
Glad to hear the phone conversation went well!

My T's Psych Today profile is awful, he looks like some kind of pretentious artist in the picture. But in person he is very down to earth and doesn't wear a weird scarf (AFAIK). Maybe people tell them to wear something that will "stand out."
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 02:43 PM
  #45
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But in person he is very down to earth and doesn't wear a weird scarf (AFAIK).
This literally made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #46
She sounds real good so far, Scarlet!
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 03:14 PM
  #47
I'm glad the phone call went well! My initial phone call with current T gave me a good feeling about him, too. Sometimes, you can just tell. Maybe it's for the better that the guy referred you...
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #48
Good news! Glad to hear and you know at least you won’t see socks with sandals as it’s way too cold for sandals lol
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 04:54 PM
  #49
I wouldn't care at all about the picture, but having to drive over an hour to see a T and not get back until late at night would be hard for me. Then again, I don't know how common it is to travel long distances in your area. I usually try to find doctors and therapists within 10 miles of my apartment.
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 05:36 PM
  #50
I live in a city where it takes 20-30mins just to get to the next city.

The hour drive isn't a deal breaker for me. I wish she was closer, but I'm already used to driving that long for T. I used to live 30mins away from T, but then we moved. I actually am familiar with the area. I grew up in that city. The office is just a block away from the old mental hospital I stayed at when I was 13!

Side note: if H and I have to move again, it will take me 2 hours to see T!

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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 07:46 PM
  #51
Here are the questions I have so far:
1. Backup therapist?
2. Out of session contact? Both email updates and crisis plan
3. Plans for maternity leave?
4. Hugs?
5. Attachment
6. Sliding scale
7. Scheduling
8. How do you feel about working with BPD?

Any other questions/topics you can think of?

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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 08:07 PM
  #52
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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
Here are the questions I have so far:
1. Backup therapist?
2. Out of session contact? Both email updates and crisis plan
3. Plans for maternity leave?
4. Hugs?
5. Attachment
6. Sliding scale
7. Scheduling
8. How do you feel about working with BPD?

Any other questions/topics you can think of?

--Extra/emergency sessions possible? (and is she willing to meet weekly?)

--Willing to have joint meeting with you and your current T before she goes on leave?
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #53
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--Extra/emergency sessions possible? (and is she willing to meet weekly?)

--Willing to have joint meeting with you and your current T before she goes on leave?
Thanks! I'll definitely include those.

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Default Jan 15, 2019 at 12:29 AM
  #54
T and I discussed these questions. She said they're all good and couldn't think of anything more.

We talked about a dual session, and she said she prefers to do it in person. She said she doesn't care whether we meet at the other T's office or hers.

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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 05:07 AM
  #55
So...it went extremely well! I can definitely see myself getting attached to her I so don't want that though even though I know T does. It feels wrong. It still feels like I'm cheating on T. I still don't understand how and why T is okay with this. It feels like she's pushing me onto someone else...so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

So summary of all L and I talked about: She is possibly willing to be a back-up therapist. She's going to talk to T about it some more before she makes a decision. Only issue might be that she doesn't know if she's going to be staying in the area for long. She said at least a year. She said dual sessions before and after are okay with her. She'll allow me the same out of session contact as T, and we'll have the same crisis plan too. She is not planning on taking a maternity leave any time soon She's okay with hugs. She's okay with talking about attachment and is okay if I do get attached to her and from what she said, I think she wants that. We'll start out weekly, and then maybe tapper down to every other week. She likes working with people with BPD and has experience as well. She prefers transparency and will be 100% honest with me. We talked about each of my dogs, abandonment, H, past cutting and suicidal attempts, what does my suicidal ideation look like, what I live for, and goals. She seemed to "get" me. I think she might just be smarter than me and maybe outwit me. That's a good thing. She said I don't need to be the perfect client, that she understands the push and pull, she understands if I don't like her and want to hate her. I didn't really talk to her about ex-T, but I'm not even sure if that's necessary. Just everything seemed right. One thing I like is that her facial expressions remind me of ex-Pdoc. She's actually younger than I though she was, but no I didn't ask her age. I told her that she needs to practice telling me no to things because when she asked me if I wanted to fill out the consent forms, I said no and she did it for me. T would have made me fill it out.

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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 06:52 AM
  #56
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So...it went extremely well! I can definitely see myself getting attached to her I so don't want that though even though I know T does. It feels wrong. It still feels like I'm cheating on T. I still don't understand how and why T is okay with this. It feels like she's pushing me onto someone else...so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.
I am happy for you that it went so well, everything you said sounds like a great fit, no matter how long you work with her.

As a thought on the "why is T okay with this", maybe reflecting your beliefs about relationships would lead to some increased understanding. I wonder if you grew up where people considered other people as possessions, and that if I had her as my __ , then you couldn't. Sometimes i think this happens kind of naturally in childhood homes where there is a lot of emotional neglect, so connection with people seems like a resource that's scarce.

My interpretation of your T is that she subscribes to the "if you love something let it go." Why wouldn't she want you to connect and heal with another therapist, whether she isn't available or otherwise? She doesn't want to possess you. She wants you to feel better and struggle less. There was a time in my therapy a few years ago that I was really struggling with something and saw another T for a single consultation without discussion with my T. I told him afterwards and talked about why, but he wasn't defensive in the least and had no issues with what I did and said I could go to anyone I wanted whenever I wanted and didn't need to say anything to him. Your belief that she wants to get rid of you, that's your past talking. Try listening to your present.
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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 11:13 AM
  #57
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Sometimes i think this happens kind of naturally in childhood homes where there is a lot of emotional neglect, so connection with people seems like a resource that's scarce.
This! This resonates the most with me. Though I'm not sure that I grew up with people thinking other people are possessions. My parents didn't treat each other that way. In the end, my dad used my mom for sex and my mom used my dad for money, but I don't think that that contributed to my possessiveness of T. Plus, when I think of the word possessiveness, I think of "hoarding" a person. I absolutely do not "hoard" my T. I know she has other clients and a life outside therapy.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be."

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily."

I love my T. I have actually given her several times to terminate with me. I have used the phrase "to be free of me". I truly want her to be happy even if that means without me. Like her baby: it's affecting our relationship, however, I have no ill will towards it. I'm really happy for her. It might give me pain (abandonment and infertility issues), but that doesn't mean she has to be miserable for me to be happy.

As far as T not wanting to possess me, that makes sense. Maybe she is following the idea of either of those quotes.

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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 11:15 AM
  #58
T's response:
Quote:
Hi Scarlet,
I'm glad it all went well with L. It makes me feel good that you will be in good hands while I'm gone. And that is a funny coincidence! Don't worry, you aren't losing me totally, it's just a period of time and I'll be back. Take care and I'll explain why I'm ok with you attaching to two people when we meet!
T

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Default Jan 17, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  #59
Totally off topic: I just realized something last night. I never told L about me trying to lose weight. If I can keep up this diet, I might look like a different person come March. And same with T after she comes back from her leave. That will be interesting to see how they react.

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Default Jan 18, 2019 at 08:38 AM
  #60
This is heartening.
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