[darkside8]

Please help! My T has been asking me a lot of deep questions and it’s stressing me out... In our most recent session, we came to the conclusion that me ‘not feeling good enough’ is the root to my anxiety etc – I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things as perfectly as possible and this has been overwhelming. Perfection is important because I fear negative perceptions of me from others. But then she went on to asking more questions to find out why I don’t feel good enough and that’s where things got intense as I didn’t know how to answer her questions and get to the root – she asked questions such as ‘If your efforts weren’t perfect, what would that mean?’ I said ‘It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel’. She would then ask ‘What things are you feelings’, which I annoyingly responded with ‘How anyone else would feel if they were to hear anything negative.’ She said that not everyone still feels the need to be perfect, so what’s my need to be perfect, what would happen if my efforts weren’t perfect, what is the risk for me, and what is the purpose?

No one has ever made me feel not good enough so I don’t know where it all started. Where do you think she wants me to go with this so that I can follow the correct path of thinking to figure it out? She did ask about past and ever feeling pressure from anyone, but I never have.

Below is one root I thought of, which you do not need to read and can just use information above to share advice:

We all have needs that need to be met when we were younger – safety, attention, purpose etc and when any of these are not met, we unconsciously seek for it to be met. I’m thinking I perhaps haven’t had my safety need met entirely – I have a family who are great and I love dearly, but affection, care etc were not so obviously shown.
However, during my teenage years at school, I had a teacher or two who treated me like I was the bloody queen – they cared for me, liked me, gave me a lot of attention, everyone knew I was their favourite. I felt so safe at school cause if this. I was fairly comfortable with being me and didn’t need to try so hard to be liked. Everyone liked me. However, when I left school and had to leave all these people behind who I become so dependent on for safety, it got really hard. What made it worse was that because I was distracted and didn’t care much for education at the time, I failed my exams and was left all by myself. I had to be independent and felt all alone when I needed these people around the most. I no longer felt safe. It was from there onwards that the anxiety, perfection, education focus began.
No one else in the world I met would treat me the same way – I think I noticed it was intelligence that people liked in others so I became obsessed with education and now my job and ensuring I do things extremely well. I fear making mistakes because I am seeking safety from these people by being liked? My memories of feeling safe were when I was liked and it was obviously shown? People around me liking me for my hard work keeps me safe and any less, will make me feel the opposite?

Reckon that would somewhat explain my low self-worth? Would my T accept this or still ask further questions to get deeper?

[sarahsweets]

I think its entirely possible that your anxiety causes you to seek perfection. I hope you realize that no one is perfect. Anxiety a lot of times has to do with control. Feeling out of control causes discomfort so trying very hard at controlling our lives and experiences ( in some cases the strive to be perfect) helps us to feel in control and not those yucky feelings like being out of control. I know that there are certain routines I have in the morning that help me feel in control, for example I wake up very early before my family in order to have a more leisurely morning and not feeling rushed(4am) the husband is the first one up at 5:15 and if I do not get that hour I spend my time feeling "late" and rushed even though I am not. Being late gives me tons of anxiety so I try to control it by being annoyingly early. Not sure if this helps you or not.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by darkside8

Reckon that would somewhat explain my low self-worth? Would my T accept this or still ask further questions to get deeper?

One possibility that has nothing to do with the root is that it's a problem in your therapy that these questions are causing you stress and you are worried about your T continuing to ask more about it. Maybe she is putting too much pressure on you and she obviously doesn't realize it until you say something. Maybe it's going too fast, but it sounds like you need to communicate with her and adjust what's happening in your sessions. I'd encourage her to tell her how you feel, because it seems like this dynamic feels similar to what you've described in your history.

[ElectricManatee]

I have a few thoughts. First of all, it sounds like you feel stressed out by your therapist's line of questioning. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that you need to slow things down and go at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable. You can also tell her that you're not comfortable answering whatever question she is asking.

Secondly, I think the potential root of anxiety that you describe makes perfect sense. Have you had a chance to share it with your T? A lot of times people can be perfectionists because they want social recognition or support as a way to combat not feeling good enough inside. So I think that part of your past is definitely worth exploring.

By the way, have you ever heard about childhood emotional neglect? I wonder if that concept would resonate. It applies to some loving families where the parents just aren't able to meet their child's emotional needs for whatever reason, and sometimes it can lead to the child being a perfectionist and then developing anxious tendencies when they run up against the fact that perfection isn't possible.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I have a few thoughts. First of all, it sounds like you feel stressed out by your therapist's line of questioning. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that you need to slow things down and go at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable. You can also tell her that you're not comfortable answering whatever question she is asking.

Secondly, I think the potential root of anxiety that you describe makes perfect sense. Have you had a chance to share it with your T? A lot of times people can be perfectionists because they want social recognition or support as a way to combat not feeling good enough inside. So I think that part of your past is definitely worth exploring.

By the way, have you ever heard about childhood emotional neglect? I wonder if that concept would resonate. It applies to some loving families where the parents just aren't able to meet their child's emotional needs for whatever reason, and sometimes it can lead to the child being a perfectionist and then developing anxious tendencies when they run up against the fact that perfection isn't possible.

So those years when I felt safe because I received recognition and support from my teachers was because I was already feeling not good enough? This would mean that their recognition and support wasn't the cause of not feeling good enough, but rather a time I felt my need slightly met? And because I felt it once and no longer do, I have been seeking it through wanting to appear perfect to others?

I have thought about childhood emotional neglect - makes some sense as i have a big family, lost my father age 9 and was a huge tom boy who always appeared tough. (Also experienced child on child abuse which no one at the time knew about - but don't want T to know this if it plays no part)

Something that strikes me about your post is that you and your therapist are doing therapy differently to how I'm doing it (I'm also in the U.K. and am seeing a therapist privately). I just go in and talk (maybe I'm gradually telling her my life story), and my stuff and a lot of emotion just comes up. There's no probing and only a few helpful questions from time to time (but she's very responsive). I'm in control. She's giving me recognition and support, and other stuff.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Wild at heart

Something that strikes me about your post is that you and your therapist are doing therapy differently to how I'm doing it (I'm also in the U.K. and am seeing a therapist privately). I just go in and talk (maybe I'm gradually telling her my life story), and my stuff and a lot of emotion just comes up. There's no probing and only a few helpful questions from time to time (but she's very responsive). I'm in control. She's giving me recognition and support, and other stuff.

I’m also seeing a therapist privately. She is great and validating. She just truly believes in past experiences shaping our thoughts, feelings and behaviours later on in life (which to an extent I agree). In order for her to support me with moving forward, she feels she needs to see the full picture and totally understand me - I can’t let go of my fear of making mistakes for example without understanding why I fear it so much in the first place. It’s just too deep for me (perhaps mostly cause I’m hiding things that hurt too much, which I think she can sense). She does always ensure I agree with her understanding of what I’ve said and controlling what i think is important to mention, but she will need to question these further when she believes they are important in understanding and dealing with my current issues.

I am however interested in you exploring your point further? My therapist is a psychotherapist who follows an integrative approach.

My therapist is integrative too.
My belief is that the helpful thing about therapy is the experience it can give you. So for instance you say that you can't let go of the fear of making mistakes. So if you could experience in therapy that nothing you do in your relationship with your therapist is a mistake, then this helps get over it.

I consider that gaining an understanding is overrated in therapy. I can't really see what one does with the understanding once one has it. But I think I may be a minority in this, and I'm interested in hearing your view (or others') as to why it is helpful. My T also thinks the understanding is helpful.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Wild at heart

My therapist is integrative too.
My belief is that the helpful thing about therapy is the experience it can give you. So for instance you say that you can't let go of the fear of making mistakes. So if you could experience in therapy that nothing you do in your relationship with your therapist is a mistake, then this helps get over it.

I consider that gaining an understanding is overrated in therapy. I can't really see what one does with the understanding once one has it. But I think I may be a minority in this, and I'm interested in hearing your view (or others') as to why it is helpful. My T also thinks the understanding is helpful.

My opinion on gaining an understanding was exactly yours until last week when my therapist explained the effects some events and experiences can have during particular childhood years and there is evidence for it - it allows the ‘now adult’ to understand what has and is going on with them, which is particularly important for those frustrated by unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

However, after exploring my childhood and teenage years today in order to respond to my therapist next session, my thoughts are exactly what you say - what now? what do I do with this information? I may consider exploring this question with her when I hand her my notes.

[Waterloo12345]

What now might be exploring the anxiety you feel about not being able to do therapy to what you precive to be your therapist a satisfaction. I read your posts as you are replaying your irl dynamics with your t. Are you afraid she will not like you if you don't get the right answer? And if she doesn't (in your mind) what would this mean to you? It might be easier to 'go deeper' when you have a concrete example in front of you to explore.

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

What now might be exploring the anxiety you feel about not being able to do therapy to what you precive to be your therapist a satisfaction. I read your posts as you are replaying your irl dynamics with your t. Are you afraid she will not like you if you don't get the right answer? And if she doesn't (in your mind) what would this mean to you? It might be easier to 'go deeper' when you have a concrete example in front of you to explore.

Good observation - I’ve spent this entire day going deeper. I think I’ve found it. I fear she will end therapy and thus reject me.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by darkside8

Good observation - I’ve spent this entire day going deeper. I think I’ve found it. I fear she will end therapy and thus reject me.

I'm happy and sad for you! Happy you've found it, and an abandonment fear is not uncommon. Not to trivalise your fear or hard work in any way but for me knowing it was a recognised thing and there were strategies to try with my t and hopefully ameliorate it provided hope. Sad cause it's a bugger.