In Session Today: Part VI

I wrote my former T an email. I know I know. Why do I do this to myself?! I'll stress out that she won't respond and I'll feel like crap. I wrote it like it was a session. So I'm going to put it in this section...

Dear _____ (Former T),

(I'm picturing you sitting across from me.)


Me: Hi. (Small Silence. Probably a little stillness too. Or me pushing the ends of my fingertips together.)

Me: How are you? How have you been feeling? Is the MS better, worse, or the same? (Waits for you to respond.)


Me: I'm okay. Well somewhere between okay and unwell. (Picturing you asking me what does that mean?)


Me: I know, I know. It's hard to explain. I mean I'm not actively suicidal which would signal unwell, but I'm sort of passively suicidal which would indicate a level of unwell, but I'm (mostly) keeping it under control. Today, for once, I don't feel as tired as usual. Today, for once, I don't feel as depressed as usual. I think because I had a good night's sleep. I had fun playing a board game last night. I don't know. I'm somewhere between okay and unwell. I can't say I'm totally okay because I've been looking at straight razor blades online on Amazon. I know if I get one it has the potential to do some damage to myself. That's why I'm not totally okay. The self harm is, well, okay I guess. I think I've had one incident since I last wrote you. But there is a desire in me to do some damage to myself and that's not okay. (Uncomfortable silence. Maybe a squirm.) I mean, I haven't bought anything like that from Amazon. I just know it's there and I could get it in two days--thanks Prime! (Smile).


Me: So, am I going to get it? I don't know. I haven't yet. But the yet makes it feel sort of inevitable. And if I did get it, I don't know. It might cause more damage than I've done before. Maybe need to get stitches. Something like that.


Me: So what would it mean to get it? I don't know. I guess it would me that it's okay to hurt myself in a damaging way. And what would I get out of hurting myself like that? I mean, there has to be a payoff right? Well if I hurt myself bad enough, it would be a way of saying, you know, I'm not okay. (Picturing you saying: So maybe there's a better way of getting that need met?)

Me: (Silence. Looking around a little.) Yeah, I just don't know what that is.


You: (But you're using words. That's good. That's progress.)


Me: (A little defeated.) Yeah. I know. I guess it's just...I don't know. I'm tired of feeling depressed. Of feeling this way. Of having this hurt inside that's trying to get out through my skin.


Me: (More silence. Getting a little dissociated. The grey and black sort of pushes in from the edges of my eyes and my vision narrows.)


Me: (Feeling what it is like to sit in the chair. Me noticing my feet on the floor. How that feels. It's hard. I'm supported. Breathing in. Breathing out. Okay. I can feel myself breathing. I must be okay. It's okay to continue.)

You: (Where were you?)

Me: I don't know. In my head I guess. I just sort of went away for a minute.


You: (Okay.)

Me: (Feeling like it's okay to continue.) Switching topics. I really miss you. I miss having you in my life to help me, and to discuss these things with, and to feel like you are on my side. Certain things remind me of you. Like recently on an online forum we were talking about whether or not we felt like the therapy office was a safe space. I remember you telling me it was. And me not really knowing what that meant. I just didn't have that frame of reference. But it reminded me of you just the same.


Me: (Looking down.) I wrote you a letter, last month, because I didn't want to email you again in the month--I'm trying to just write you once a month. I wrote the letter in Latin so that there would be no way I would send it. I know you don't like me writing you in Latin. (Me smiling, looking up at you.) It made me have to think hard about what I wanted to say, and how to say it. Besides telling you how much I missed you and how I hoped you were well, one thing I wrote was "Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit" which means "and perhaps one day it will help to remember these things." And I think it does. It helps me to remember you. To remember what you might have replied to me. It helps me to remember your care for me.


Me: (Silent for a bit.) But it's getting hard. I'm doubting myself some. Like maybe I'm not real to you anymore.


You: (What would that mean to you?)

Me: I guess it would mean that you've forgotten me a little. And I'm worried that I'll lose your care. I've already lost you. I don't want to lose your care. I remember you telling me you are on my team. I can remember feeling your care for me. It was warm, and it made me feel okay for a little while. Maybe that's what you meant by this being a safe place. But it's hard for me to bring back up that feeling that it's okay for a little while. I used to get that for an hour a week with you. Now it's just, well, gone.


Me: But I do remember your voice telling me that you hoped I wouldn't commit suicide. When I feel that way, I remember that. And I remember you.


Me: There's so much more I could tell you about. Like how my boss is about to have knee surgery and so I'll be taking over doing her duties at work, as much as my own, and how I am a little worried about it. Like it's a trial run for if/when she retires. And telling you about my kitty Amelia. And my family coming for a visit last month. And about therapy. And just so much more...


Me: (Sadly.) But I can't really tell you all of these things. So I concentrated on what I think is the important stuff. You're the one person in the world that understands me. Others are trying to understand me. But they aren't there yet. You're the only one who understands me.


You: (I'm still there. I still care.)


Me: I know that. I just really wish I could still feel that for an hour a week. But I have to be strong. I have to remember. I have to carry on--for you--until I can carry on for myself.


Me: Thanks for listening to me. I hope you have a really good rest of the day.


Me: Take Care.

Me: (I love you.)

From Kit (except of course I said my real name)

Kit

That's really brave. I don't think even if I had access to a way to contact T that I would, I am too convinced he doesn't care so I would not expect a response and then I'd spiral even more.

It would be nice if she did but it's good that you realize there is also the chance she may not, either way, I hope it was healing to write

Thanks @DP_2017 It was healing to write. It is pretty much like how our sessions would be. I can't believe it still hurts this much. That last time I spoke to her was in September...I will probably in all actuality spiral in a few days. But I don't know. It needed to be said. Maybe I can talk to my T I have now on Monday and not spiral so much. We'll see. HUGS Kit

Sorry to hear it's still so hard, it's been like 6 months for you I'm dreading how long this will take for me. I just want to forget him.

Hope it helps with talking to your other T

Saw Baby T today

He's nice enough, very friendly... that alone scares me. It's exactly what I had before. However he's only 45 min sessions, 50 if it's a bit tough.... and he has no email or VM there since he's so new.

We mostly did intake, and he did a lot of rambling. (which reminded me of T) He did say he's very much the lets make lists/plans and work toward goals together type. He will do homework of other accommodating things if need be

He only works Mon and Thur at this location. I think we spent maybe 5 min tops discussing T and I teared up just mentioning it. He said something about "You probably feel a lot of mixed emotions about seeing me, because you had a great match and now you feel like it's some sort of replacement" I just about lost it then... cuz I really do feel that.

He's nice enough that he offered to push me if I got stuck leaving since the parking lot was unplowed and it was a mess in there. He has a ton of toys in the office, like fidget toys. I didn't get much of a feel for how he would work with me on this issue as we didn't get to discuss it much.

So right now I'm debating on the older T and baby T. I have both still scheduled Monday for a second session. I had hoped after today I'd know for sure but I wasn't expecting that much of an intake with such a short session... so I felt like nothing was done. I'm debating if I should see both a second time monday and then decide or what. It's so hard. I don't want anyone but T... so it's like really depressing to choose either one.

I'd see them both again

I haven't been keeping up with this thread but wanted to chime in here and say that I think you are doing really good work. Containing the content to sessions may have hurt and still be distressful at times, but I think it will benefit you in the long run. And I like your T. I agree with him that responding to emails benefits the short run but not the long run.

Here, you are finding a way to connect with your T. He is not responding to your needs, and your feelings and patterns in response are starting to emerge.

Last week my T called me about 3 hours before my appointment to tell me that his wife had to urgently go to the hospital and that he had to cancel our session. So I was anxious all week about whether he'd be back and I didn't really trust the situation until I actually saw him.

I got to his office, went inside and saw his door being slightly open, which helped to calm me a bit.

He got me from the waiting area only a minute or so after. I was glad to see him. He asked me how I had been. I was quiet, but started shaking and crying. He told me to just say what's on my mind. I replied that I had been scared he'd not be back the whole time. He asked why and I said because his wife had to go to the hospital. He told me that she was fine now, she's on some medication and has started working again as well.

I continued to be restless. He asked me what's going on and I told him I'm scared. He told me to stay in the moment, how am I feeling right now? I said I feel sick, am nervous, hot and sad. He said he's back, so... He asked why I'm moving this much. I said it calms me down, but he replied that it doesn't look calm at all. I said that if I don't move I feel like hurting myself, moving helps against that.

He told me to stop distracting myself (it sounded way nicer than that though). I stopped moving and he asked me what I'm feeling. I said my leg feels funny and he asked which one. I pointed to it and he wanted to know what I'm feeling, which was tingling and a general feeling of wanting to hurt myself there. So he told me to concentrate on that spot of my leg, to just feel whatever I'm feeling there. He said to focus on that and if there's thoughts to accept them but always get back to focusing on my leg. I did that for a while, he continuously talked to me and asked how I was doing, whether I managed to concentrate on it and so on.

After some time, he told me to shift my concentration to the other leg and later on to my arm. I did both of those. While focusing on my arm, he asked what was going on in my head. I told him I had recently thought about my new job as well as my mom. "So, you're head is all over the place?", he sounded disappointed. I said that actually I'm concentrating fairly well, he just asked about my thoughts so I told him.

He repeated to tell me how to focus on the experience of my body and to not pay too much attention to my thoughts. I said it's like mindful breathing and he said yes. But he said that normally you start out by being mindful about your body, not your breathing. i said breathing is easier so we switched to that. Again he instructed me a bit on what to concentrate on and how to exactly do it.

I managed to remain fairly calm during these exercises.

He then got back to earlier and mentioned that I had been scared last week. He asked me what I did about it. I said at first I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but he had to leave for work and also didn't seem to really get it. Then I first cried and after tried various forms of distraction. But nothing really worked. Finally, at night I didn't manage to sleep and hurt myself after a while to calm myself down. He asked why that was and I told him that usually I think about him at night. It helps to calm me. He said he thougth that's a good thing. That it's positive that I manage to form an image of him in my mind and that it helps to ease my anxiety.

I replied that it was hard to do because I felt like he'd never be back, so it made me feel more anxious. He told me that he's here now and that he's not leaving. That I should focus on that, on the moment I'm experiencing now. And to save it for later, so I can recall it in my fantasy and use it to calm myself. I really appreciated that he told me that it's okay to do that and even encouraged it.

I told him that I felt really alone last week because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I felt like I didn't have any friends. I said that everyone abandons me after a while and that I felt he'd do the same. And that it'd be horrible to not be able to say good bye to him and to just see him one last time. He said: "I know" in a really soft and caring way.

At some point during my crying he also got up and got me a tisuse. It all felt very caring. He also asked about what he could do better in order to not have me worry so much if something like this ever happened again. But all I could come up with was reassurance that he'd be around the week after, and I already got this this time, so we both weren't really sure on what to do.

After that, we discussed my new job for a bit. I also asked him about whether I could still contact him to schedule phone calls in case I need those and his policy on that is still the same. Finally, I managed to look at him for a while, which felt really nice. Then he checked with me whether I'll manage to be around on Friday's usually, due to me now having a job, and then we said good bye for the week.

Ok so I had both of my second sessions today. I'll briefly recap each and then post about what I've decided going forward

Older T.... this is the guy I originally saw when I began searching again, he was very knowledgable and gave a good handout the first time, he's the one who had the no outside contact policy.

So I went in with fairly good hopes, since he was pretty useful last time. I was about to gag in the lobby because it legit smelled like a dirty diaper. Idk why....I didn't see anything odd in the garbage.

Anyway, he was 2 min late coming out today. Right away just asked for the paper he gave me last time, just something where I write my therapy goals. He looked at it and said ok. Then put it down. I was like "Well, I got notes this time, if you wanna read them" He said sure. It was basically a list of many of the reoccurring thoughts I get in regards to this issue. He read it and said that many of them were good things to discuss and he made a copy. Then he sat down and grabbed another handout about feelings. He rambled on endlessly about it, I kept trying to say things and he kept talking, I was rather annoyed.

So then he finally shut up, lol... and brought up my trust issues, and was going on about that a bit. I was answering his questions but again, was seeing the time go near end on the clock and thinking, um is the issues on the list ever going to come up?? I was about to say something when he stood up and said good luck on your surgery, contact me for another session after... I looked at the time on my way out, 43 minutes. His standard is 50. I was quite irritated by that.

Another thing about him was he was asking something odd about how I'd feel if I came and the door was locked. I was like "I don't think I'd care, I'd just go home" LOL I didn't get why he asked that, was kinda bummer that he was off his game today but that's ok, the drive is a nightmare anyway so it made it a easier choice

So I went home feeling like ok, well, I need to approach it better next session because I can let this guy go off on some nonsense tangent either. I was a bit more prepared but I get in and he asks me to answer a few questions, the company requires a treatment plan and we had to go over it. Mentally I was like (not this **** again) but I answered and signed it, he actually put quite a bit of work into it... I was impressed when I looked at my own copy.

Then he put the laptop away and was asking how my weekend was and we talked briefly about my surgery anxiety. I didn't mention that I may not have it after reading the risks but anyway... I gave him my notes, he read them and then goes "The main thing I'm getting from these, is uncertainty... I get with anxiety how that can be really tough to manage" so then we began to talk about specific T related things... finally! He asked me to describe my final session and asked alot about it, then he asked some hypothetical things like "If you saw him tomorrow, what would you say" and he tried to help me see things a bit different. He says he will use some CBT and DBT stuff for this.... and he says he is very into structures and plans and also very willing to accommodate needs if he can... like he asked if I had any of the items on his desk I would like to hold....

He told me that he's so new he doesnt have email or voicemail and that he currently shares that office with other therapist... that's the only crap thing, because I hate not being able to have direct contact if there is concerns etc. Anyway.... so last week was 45 min but on my treatment plan I noticed it said 52. I asked about it and I guess 45 is company standard but 52 is insurance max and it's what he recommends for me right now. He also has me listed as "weekly" but said, he is happy to do 2x a week if need be or bi weekly, depending on how I'm feeling.

He's a bit chatty... and this place is more pricey but its also right now the road from me. I have to say, I had MANY reservations about a new, younger T, but he really stepped up today.

I even talked this time about I am very scared of saying things here because he pushed boundaries often and some things are very much things others would say "report that" and he said "I would never tell you what to do, I could suggest things but it's up to you and I never got the idea that you wanted to report so it's not a concern" He was very accepting of the things I chose to tell him and he understand "You basically feel like you lost a really good friend, not just a therapist" and I said "YES" (I didn't admit to feeling like I'm in love with him yet but if I see him again, I will. I think that's a huge factor in my reactions)

Right now I'm unsure if I want to go therapy any further, because of the cost, my insurance is crap and barely covers any of it, but I also, feel that after I recover (assuming I still have it) and I feel I need it still, this younger guy will be my choice. He has a few things that are not the best but in my mind, I already had gold.... so I wont find that again anyway

Oh and this guy, the younger one, gave me journaling homework that seems like it might be really good and helpful for me

I like what Baby T sounds like!

I think Baby T could really help you. Good luck with surgery. I am home recuperating from cancer surgery now. Surgery is never fun.

Session last night: T came and got me about 10 minutes late for my session. There were lots of people in the waiting room because there are multiple T's and PDOC's in the building and there's a communal waiting room. It's kind of annoying because I can't really enjoy the silence before T but it is what it is.


She asked how it went with my Mom's Foster Mom's visit. I told her that it went better than I had anticipated. That my Mom was ready for her to go because it was a long visit and her Foster Mom tends to be critical. However, her critical eye hadn't fallen on me this time so I was able to mostly just enjoy her visit. However, it is nice just having the house back and the routine back.

My T asked me what else was up? So I told her I had cut my arm and it needed stitches. That's unusual for me--the needing stitches part. She asked me how long it had been since I had SH-ed and I told her two weeks which was true. It isn't as long as I normally go. She was trying to get me to open up and explain what happened leading up to the SH. Unfortunately, I don't really know. It was like, it was just building up inside of me, and it needed to be let out. Whatever "it" is. So she told me that I need to be more aware (no kidding) about what I'm feeling and what is going on around me. I told her I had been feeling depressed, and sad, and stressed. I was stressed over my bosses leave of absence and me covering in her position whilst she is away.


We talked about my experience at the hospital and she laughed out loud and then apologized when I told her the part where they asked me if I was having thoughts of harming myself. I told her it's okay. I told them it was a dumb question too. I mean, obviously, I was there for SH. It would reason that I'm having SH thoughts. We talked about me being embarrassed about the SH and having to get it stitched up. And feeling bad about it. It's odd because I SH to feel better, which I normally do but didn't this time, and then end up feeling bad about it.


We talked about trying to determine who I am really angry with and why I keep turning that anger in on myself. I really don't feel like I'm angry at anyone but my former T used to say that too. She suggested that I journal. I'm not overly enthusiastic about that but I'll give it a shot. I do better when I'm writing to a person and not just writing for the heck of it. But sometimes it does help to get it out.


We talked about my feelings of bad. Like I'm bad. And I have to fight with these thoughts in my head. She told me I'm not a bad girl. (Which made me feel really young and was kind of annoying because I'm a grown up--but I think she was intentionally trying to speak to a young part of me especially because she just got done asking me when I had started harming myself etc and it was in childhood around age 10 or so). She told me I'm a good girl (again, making me feel very young). And I don't really remember where she went with that because I was too busy thinking, why doesn't she say I'm not a bad person, or I'm a good person. Etc.


We talked about my childhood. My Mom has bipolar and was un-medicated, so things were really tricky when I was a child. I never knew what would set Mom off. I had to try to be this perfect child, at home, at school, everywhere, and also this child that didn't have any needs. And it was really hard. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and so I had the pressure of my parents and the pressure of myself and the pressure had no where to go. My Mom is still really irritable even though now she is medicated, and she's constantly snappy. But when we were children, she was more than snappy, she would sometimes be physical with us and I think my sister and I were downright scared of my Mom at times. And my Dad, bless him, was too busy working to intervene, but even when he did, he just sat my sister and I down and just explained that's how Mom was, which wasn't really helpful. It was just crazy making because I didn't know what was normal. I just took in all the bad and it couldn't be Mom's fault, so it must be my fault. My Mom tried hard to be a good parent, and she definitely did better than her parents. But she just failed in some key areas, like making us feel safe, and secure, and okay. That we--my sister and I--were okay. And I still struggle with that. I don't know if I am okay until I know if other people around me are okay. It can be very tiring.


My T went over time a little bit but said she wanted to do some more eye movement stuff with me. (Still not sure if it is EMDR or something else.) Because she said, I need to increase my awareness. I didn't really dissociate in session this time. I thought she might ask to see my SH but she didn't. I was definitely looking for some empathy or warmth or something regarding the SH and I didn't get it. I think my former T would have treated that aspect a little differently. I don't feel like it was shrugged off or anything, just my former T would have said something like, "I'm sorry you were in so much pain." Or something. And I think that is what I wanted to hear from this T. An acknowledgement of the pain. Oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter.

She said she doesn't have a magic wand or pixie dust but she is hopeful that I can get past this (the SH) and live my life without it.


I go back March 1st which means I only had one appointment in Feb. But I had three in Jan....Kit

Yes, Baby T sounds promising. The other one sounds like a bit of an ***.

Yes he does but idk if I can afford to keep seeing him. 155 a session and my insurance maybe covers 20$ of that. It's something I really have to think about.

Kit

Sounds like a productive session and it really stinks you only had 1 in february I hope March 1 comes quickly enough for you

Yikes!!!! 155/session seems really high. But I'm used to sliding scales and insurance. Anything over $100 and I'm like, nope. Kit

Yikes, that's terrible. Could you look at other insurance options?

They wont let me change plans here until the year is over, I've asked.

I'm unsure if they do any sort of sliding scale or anything at this place. I got way spoiled by old T... for my price and time of sessions, that this now feels like a massive rip off. Idk though.

I'm currently stressing about my surgery but once I decide that, I can focus more on this

Yeah, I'd ask about possible sliding scale. Especially with him being so new, you'd think his rate would be lower.

I called the company and asked about the sliding scale/private pay. Well she said my insurance is not gonna kick in until 4k is met, which I kinda figured.... then after that, I'd be charged 100 a session, so they only pay 55 of that...

So my other option is private pay at 75. Not cheap but still... might be swingable for weekly for at least a month or so