In Session Today: Part VI

Echoes sounds like it was in and out of okayness. Like it was hard to stay tuned to that radio station.

Thanks una, that is a brilliant way to describe it. That's exactly how it felt. Like the signal kept being interrupted.

Thats exactly what i pictured from your description! What created the signal interference? When you physically turned away from him? Idk...

Also i was surprised that he let you leave without a hug, because my t said hugs were either always on or always off, no spur of the moment decision making allowed.

I felt like he switched the radio off with "sorry 'bout that".

Now I don't know whether I have a broken radio or not, and I won't hear back from the workshop for two weeks.

Re hugs- if he had tried to make me hug him he might as well have smashed the radio to pieces with a hammer.

Agree with Echoes on the touch bit. I've refused hugs from my T too because of the way I was feeling, and she's always respected that, as she should. A forced hug would not end well.

There WAS one time we did not hug, it was at the beginning of the session after our big rupture. I felt like i didnt know who he was. Eta - and he totally respected my feelings, but he also let me know how he felt.

Aside from that one time, it never felt forced. It also never felt THAT intimate? It was more like shaking hands. Like boxers, probably! Because of The Rule.

I just wanted to explain that.

Ditto to Echoes and Velcro. I'm from a forced touch family (nothing overtly abusive, but punishment-if-you-don't-hug-grandma kinds of things), and I'm still trying to remind myself that I don't have to touch people/they can't touch me if I don't want it. I can't imagine not being able to tell my therapist no to touch for any or even no reason. It kind of gives me the willies.

PDOC appointment last night. I went to the window to talk to the receptionist and to pay for my appointment. They said it would be $40. I was like, "Are you sure, it's always been $30. She looks at the computer and says, "Yeah, it's $40." I hand over the cash, get my receipt, sit down and immediately call my insurance company. The insurance company looks up my plan and says, "No, it's supposed to be $30." So I go back up to the window, this time it's a different lady. I tell her what's going on. There's some confusion. She said, "Is it 40 for the PDOC and 30 for therapy?" So I ask the insurance company who said, "No, all outpatient mental health is $30 copay per visit." So she gives me back $10 and takes my receipt (so now I have no record of paying at all). Then they scan my insurance card (again). And then the lady I'm talking to goes away. I sit down and wait. And wait. And wait. He's running behind. So then I get called back. I told him how I'm feeling unwell, depressed, SUI thoughts, and about my recent SH and how I feel tired all the time, and just don't want to do anything. So he starts giving me options. One we can increase the anti-psychotic. Two we can add another anti-depressant. Or three we can do both. But he really doesn't like to make two changes at one time. Which I understand. So I told him that I would up the anti-psychotic, even though I have some concerns about doing that (weight gain, it makes me feel zoned out and zombie-ish, makes me feel like not doing anything). So I'm going to go back in 5 weeks. I didn't get my usual hug, because he didn't stand up at the end. But that's okay. I should call the office today and find out about my receipt but I don't want to seem like a pain. On the other hand, I don't want them to think I didn't pay and then owe $30 or $40 extra next time. Kit

I would call - they can mail you the receipt.

Today I literally sat crying in silence for fifty minutes. Sometimes just weeping, sometimes shaking and sobbing. M said "you're upset" once (no s**t mate) and then, about half an hour later "why are you upset?"... I didn't answer. He didn't say anything else throughout the entire session.

Paid him £35 for that.

i am sorry everyone that I have been so explicit, I wish these posts to be deleted. I feel like judging me and want me to leave, or just I'm too much or too weird to be acknowledged. I don't mean to whine. I'm sorry for being graphic and disturbing

That seems...wrong.
I don't think you've been to explicit. It is nice to see you posting again, don't leave!

You werent, imo. I was gonna say, you know ive been in lurve with your t for the longest time and everybody here gets explicit about Toby!! (her cat)

yeah, need more pics of said cat. Isn't it Boby?

I'm sorry. I'm having a melt down and I don't know what to do with myself at all.

what's going on? you can PM me if you like. If you can't tell by me spamming the forum, I'm available and borreddd.

I spent most of my therapy time this week going over the things that upset me last week. He is fairly receptive to criticism so it was probably productive. Usually my T and I get along well so I hope I can get back to complaining about career stuff and social anxiety next time.

Nobody thinks you're whining or that you're weird.It takes a lot of strength to talk about the really hard stuff.

Sometimes there are no words for pain.

... Although apparently a fairly high price tag.