In Session Today: Part VI

I wanted to talk to him about the end of last session when I accidentally said "cuddle time" before we hugged. I talked about the word 'hug' seeming more boundaried and formal and 'cuddle' seeming more intimate. Started trying to dissect the differences in more detail, like length of time etc, then I stopped and felt really sad. T asked what was happening. I said I'm not finding dissecting the meanings of hug and cuddle useful. We were quiet. I said "I feel a lot of things about our relationship". T looked at me and said "do you want to say more?" I said "Trying to figure out the difference between hug and cuddle is symbolic of how I feel about our relationship". T smiled knowingly. It is the tension between intimacy and boundaries.

I looked at him and felt really overwhelmed with love for him. I couldn't say anything. I looked away. T asked what was going on. I said "when I look at you I feel..." and couldn't say any more. "I feel like I..." I just couldn't say anything. I started laughing at how ridiculous it was. I have told him I love him lots of times before.

T said that the part of me that doesn't want to say it needs to be heard. It doesn't mean I shouldn't say it, but that part needs to be acknowledged. He asked what it needs. I said it thinks that having strong feelings about you hurts me. T asked how? I said because you sit there enjoying the adoration, then you f*** off. T said that it needs to be acknowledged that it is true that he does enjoy, or get something from the way I feel about him. I said that most of me likes that. He said yes, but part of you resents it very much. I said yes, and that part is not validated by you saying that, it makes me feel like "See, I was right". He said "It sounds like that part thinks I am using you". I said yes I think it does. I was just sad and really tired. T said he thinks I am exhausted from suppressing this internal struggle. I said it feels like there is no way out of it now. I just love him, and one day it will end and the boundaries are hard to deal with. T said something about not being in contact. I said the idea of not being able to contact him physically hurts. He said that he wants to make sure that I understand that he is not saying that when we end regular therapy we can't ever be in contact. He thinks it makes sense to continue contact if I want to. He said he doesn't know if that helps. It did help, but I didn't tell him, because I am annoyed that it helps, because I feel like I just push on boundaries and only feel better when they give.

I went to the toilet, and when I came back I just felt different, lighter. I picked up an egg that I thought was made from stone or something, but it was really light, like paper, it felt like something I had made from paper in therapy once. I mentioned it to him. He looked at me lovingly. I asked him what had changed while I was in the toilet. I said I can feel his love now. He said he thought it was me that came back differently, but that doesn't mean it wasn't coming from him. He said whoever it is, something has shifted. I asked him how he navigates the intimacy/boundaries dynamic with me. He mentioned a few things, all about being in the room with me. He mentioned that when he lets himself be in the moment with me, it feels 'delightful' and like a privilege. But he also gets anxious and sometimes he says stupid things (he said that is my phrase and he likes it). I wanted to say I was really asking what it is like to walk away from that intimacy back into his life, but it was late in the session and thought better of it.

I managed to tell him that at the moment I feel in love with him. I said I am glad it is not reciprocal, because that would cause a whole mess of problems, but also, I wish it was. He smiled. He said it was lovely to hear, and also scary because of how vulnerable I am.

We hugged, and it was a much more gentle hug than usual. I liked it, but thinking back on it, it has triggered some ET, which I will talk to him about. He reminded me I was going to ask about where we will meet next week (as we might not be able to use the usual room) and he said to meet at the usual room and we'll go from there. He gave me a book, by someone I have met, and he knows I like. He said he didn't need it back. I thanked him, said goodbye and left.

@Echos Myron redux that sounds like a really lovely session. I could feel the love and the care just from reading about it. HUGS Kit

@SlumberKitty

Thanks @susannahsays and everyone else who helped me process the session with Pastor T. I've done a lot of thinking and arguing with myself and feeling bad about myself since that session. In some ways I feel like my faith is strengthened because I had to say Bullcrap. I don't believe that. I may feel that way about myself some times. But that doesn't make it true of me. I had to draw the line at what I believe from my faith and what my identity is. I refuse to accept that my identity is that I am bad and I am a failure. My feelings may say that about me at times, but I am not going to claim that as who I am. I'm really worn out from wrestling with myself, between my thoughts and my feelings, and my faith, and what I believe. He really threw me for a loop on Monday that I am still trying to get out of this crazy-making. I really appreciate everyone on PC that took their time to express their thoughts and to help me sort this out. Hugs Kit

Today’s session was intense and tightly focused. R came in and sat down.
‘How are you doing?’
‘It has been a tough week. Thank you for your email.’
‘That’s no problem.’
‘Right! The Critic is already nibbling, so I am going to ask. I think I need you to be a bit closer today.’
‘Well done.’
‘I feel like that shouldn’t elicit a ‘Well done’.’
‘As the words were leaving my mouth, I realised that. I didn’t want it to come across as patronising, but there was a time when you would not have been able to ask for what you needed.’
‘Happy National Poetry Day! There’s a poem I wrote on Monday which might explain a few things.’
‘Is it today? Happy National Poetry Day to you.’

R read the poem, and we discussed the last line. She said she couldn’t tell whether it was written from a place of acceptance or resignation. I replied that I was not sure either. Our conversation continued.

‘I made it into work on Saturday.’

‘You say that as if there was a chance you wouldn’t.’

From there we spoke about Mum’s back, and the tension of that situation. I talked about managing to finish the workshop and being unsure of a new student’s name. R and I had a laugh over that.

I talked about Mum coming to meet me, and my hunch that things weren’t good then.

‘We are very similar. She won’t say if something’s going on.’
‘Is that protective over you, or does she keep herself to herself?’

‘I think it’s a bit of both. If I say that out loud, you can see the overlap between the two situations. She knows I worry.’
R commented that it sounded like that created tension. On reflection, it would be easier to be open about things, but I don’t know how to do that. I ended up talking about the experience of reading one of my poems at work as a nod to the National Poetry Day theme of Truth.

‘We sit around a table, and I began to feel queasy at the prospect of reading the piece, so I stood up and read.’

‘Did you read it aloud?’

‘Yes. I wanted to talk more about the story behind it, but I couldn’t.’
R asked whether she was right in picking up on a little disappointment.

‘How can I model vulnerability for my students if I am not comfortable…Five years after launching the book, I should feel comfortable reading the pieces aloud.’

R and I had a conversation about the difference between modelling vulnerability and oversharing. She sensed that I am uncomfortable sharing my grief at work.

‘It’s also important to me that I don’t share the stuff I am currently working on at work.’

‘Yes. Part of the reason I am here is because you are working towards dealing with that in healthy ways.’

I talked about my discomfort with ‘Oh no! Here we go again!’ as a way of living. I know where it comes from, because it has its origins in the experience I am currently dealing with.

‘Always waiting for the next thing – is it happening now?’

‘That is what I would call hypervigilance.’

I talked about wanting to be present and holding the version of me that I was when I knew Chris up as the best version of me.

‘Working with my students, it is almost like seeing that version of myself again.’

R identified a solemnity when I talk about work, because it cannot be what I need it to be.

‘You need to find that in other areas of your life.’

I replied by saying that I used to use work as a coping mechanism, taking on crazy deadlines, although I know that is not the greatest thing. ‘It becomes another mask.’

‘It can do.’

By that point, I was about to go into something else, but looked at the clock and stopped myself.

‘I had an interesting conversation with a support worker yesterday. She’s fully aware of everything, and she said ‘You never feel grounded, so you never feel safe.’’

‘What was your reaction to that?’

‘It kind of blew my mind.’

R said I am one of the only clients she works with who cause her to think visually. She envisages me in a kind of bubble.

‘Going deep is OK, but it is hard to stay there. In the work I do, if I had to stay there all the time…’

‘I am naturally a deep person.’

‘Ditto.’

‘I don’t do surface stuff very well.’

R mentioned that I had talked before about being in social situations, and then something happens and I retreat.

‘If somebody notices the retreat, it’s like: “You look thoroughly bored.”’

‘Yes.’

‘Hello from your friendly turtle!’

R closed by talking about vision boards, which I am going to investigate further. We set up an appointment for next week.

Regular T last night. She was running about half an hour late, which she apologized for, and I said it was okay, but she made up the time at the end so I didn't feel shorted or anything like that.


I told her about the session with Pastor T. She seemed astonished that he said what he said. She said she did not agree with him and she didn't see how it would be helpful. We talked about how it had really thrown me for a loop. How I was really struggling with feelings of being bad, which lead to feelings of needing to be punished, which lead to feelings of wanting to cut. Really strong feelings of wanting to Self Harm. I had to fight that in my head with scripture and with what I believe about myself from what I have learned through my faith. I really had to claw my way out of that bad space. She was really pleased that I hadn't SH-ed over it. I told her I hadn't SH-ed yet over it. She said to wash my mouth out with soap, because every day, every hour, every moment that I don't SH is a win. I had told her I might lose the battle with this one. I confirmed with her that my goal for no SH is still 50 days and as of yesterday I was at 44 days.


I told her I was angry with him. I said this was actually a good thing because I don't get angry. I stuff it down. But I was angry that he triggered this in me and I was having to deal with it. We talked a lot about anger and she said it was just a feeling and that feelings are not bad. She explained that gazelles when they are chased by lions and get away, the sort of have a seizure and get rid of all that negative energy that is in their body and that is how they do not develop PTSD. She said that feelings are like that. They come, we experience them, and then they go. We don't have to be afraid of them. She said she knows I am fearful of anger because of what I experienced in my childhood. That it is understandable. She said to try to imagine that feelings--particularly negative ones--are like ash blowing in the wind. They dissipate. She said can I please try to think of it that way? And I said I would.

She said she thinks I need to chant: Kit is a good girl! Kit is a good girl! Which made me smile. I can't see myself actually doing that. She listed some good qualities about myself and told me that I am not bad. She told me I am too hard on myself, which I agree with and its something that I struggle with. She told me I don't have to go back to Pastor T if I don't want to. I can change my mind. Whatever I decide is fine. Whatever I decide is okay.


We talked a lot about God. Our views don't exactly align but we are able to have a conversation about it that is meaningful to me. She can tell my faith is strong.


I didn't leave the session feeling as bolstered as I would have liked. I was still feeling somewhat unstable. I think she could tell. As I was leaving, she said she wished she had some pixie dust because she would sprinkle it all over me.


I'm still struggling today. I wish the session could have been twice as long. I still felt like there were things I needed to process. I feel like she helped me put some of the pieces back together. I'm left holding some. It's been a hard few days.


Comments okay.
Thanks for reading, Kit

The session we had today was a great relief. My T fully explained why she was resigning - she was going to work on a project (psychology-related) overseas. T would be away for about a year, not forever like I assumed. I could still email her if I wanted to. I think the session was initially very scary/stressful, but I'm glad my catastrophic worries (T having a serious illness/being fired) were not actually true.

It was still pretty hard to explain my feelings about her impending departure though. I said "pain" a lot. We went for a short walk outside and discussed the h/w I did. The weather was so warm. Anyway, we finished the discussion when we went back inside. I gave her a 'thank you' card and a gift, and T seemed very moved. We hugged shortly before our time was up.

I still have one more appt before she's gone but I really will miss her. I'm still thinking about what I'll do after my T is gone - take a break, or find a different T?

A snippet (paraphrased and squooshed for the sake of brevity).... The only snippet, really. The rest was mostly me agitated and overwhelmed by too much at once, plus some crying.

Me: When I hear over and over and over about how I’m wrong and unfair and I don’t really understand this stuff, I start to doubt myself. Even when I know what’s reasonable. I’m so used to caving for the sake of peace. So I asked the guy if I was even in the ballpark.... You know what? I AM smart.
T: Yes.
Me: And so far I have a good intuitive sense for what’s fair and reasonable. I have a good head on my shoulders.
T, emphatically: Yes. Yes, you do.
(And some therapist-y stuff about divorce and negotiation and not selling myself short.)

Most of the rest of the session can be summed up as me saying, “This super sucks and I hate it.”

[4+ months ago in a session]
[talking about my worry that my T does not like me (as a person, not romantically)]

T: Even if I would tell you that I liked you, it probably wouldn't help. I would have to repeat it every week, and you still wouldn't believe me.

Me: Mm, yes.

T: Also - it actually never happens I don't like one of my clients. Even when somebody appears unlikeable in the beginning, once I get to know them, and begin to understand how come they behave a certain way, I always start to like them.

Me: Yes, I can see that.

T: [silent]

Me: [silent]

T: [silent]

Me: [silent]

T: And now you are wondering: Am I one of those clients?

[both laugh hard because that was exactly what was going through my mind]

I acted like a brat.

I told him that I was quitting therapy and that I didn't care about him going on holiday. That maybe I would book myself one too and asked him why he needed to have so many anyway?

He asked how many weeks I thought a doctor would take.

He laughed when I said two.

He said that wasn't true that I did care and my saying that made him think that was the reason why I was acting out.

I said that I had figured that I had to wait longer to see him. 27 days over Christmas was a long time, but he pointed out that I also had a busy schedule too and had declined the monday slot (£££).

That he knew it was hard for me.

I mentioned the movie the day after tomorrow, when Dennis Quaid says that he will come for his son. But I said how could he find his son if he didn't know where he was? He said I wouldn't be able to find him.He said he felt torn when I said that and I couldn't hold on to him or hope or think that he could hold me when I wasn't there.

I said he was just a guy I met online and I wasn't going to behave today. That he could do all the work and spoon feed me the answers.

He said he felt like I put him into a parenting role .He wasn't good at parenting.

That I reminded him of a rebellious teenager.

He got fixated on the spoon feeding line.

Not wanting to be separate from him and mentioned oral feeding needs as a child.

He asked if my mother had told me stories from when I was a baby? Was I breast fed?

I just said that I was told that I cried a lot and she made the formula milk wrong so it was much thicker and I didn't like that.

What my earliest memory was?

Holding my brother and I said I'd told him the other one already.

He said he wanted me to tell him again or not.

I told him about a hypnotherapist's newslettter I subscribed to. When dealing with a resistent client told him to do the opposite which worked.

He smiled and said said reverse psychology,

I said it was when I was slapped across the face at 4.

He said something like that must have been shocking.

What did that make me feel.

Trust vs mistrust. I couldn't trust them.

I said but hey i could read before i was in reception.

We talked about my mother leaving for 2-3 months when I was 6 and it not really being explained.

Yada yada he said my parents hadn't been reliable care takers,

Then I mocked him and said I think this explains everything then.

I told him him in case he didn't come back that I did love him.

He said that was nice.

My sessions lately have been ok but sometimes I don’t get her. I called her twice in one week. Both times she didn’t call back. Then she told me at my session a few days ago to try not to call her because I’m just using her as reassurance. I mean she never even calls back though. But ok I get it and I haven’t called her since I saw her. She also told me not to look at my sleep app because it was just getting me worked up. Ok, fine whatever. I haven’t looked at it. She said I could have a double session last week and then asked me why I came in a second time. I said to her “because you told me I could????” Also I’ve been incredibly thirsty lately and I’ve been keeping a Voss water bottle on my nightstand that I’ve been filling up 3-4 times a night. When I tell her this on Monday her dumbass will probably say “don’t keep the water bottle by your bed” Oh yeah like dehydration is good. And it’s not like I can’t just walk downstairs to get water or drink straight from the sink. I seriously don’t get her sometimes.

The season today went fine despite the fact I was a tired mess from my sleep disorder. I asked her if I seemed tired and she said “I’ve never seen you not tired so I can’t tell if that’s just your personality or if you just have a mellow personality in general.” I told her it’s a combination of both. And that I can relate to the drag queen Jinx Monsoon who has a mellow personality and a sleep disorder. But today was fine.

Pastor T session last night. It went better than the session last week. I was nervous going in. I didn't want to come out feeling as bad and terrible like I did the previous week. So I was feeling pretty guarded. He accused me of being defensive. I feel like I had my defenses up, in order to not get hurt, but I don't know that I was being defensive but maybe I was. I told him how I had to deal with all of those overwhelming emotions last week after our session. He said he didn't want that to happen, that he wanted me to always feel better after seeing him, not worse. I think that is unrealistic but it's a nice goal. We talked about my feelings of being alone. I've always had to deal with my emotions on my own. My parents failed me in that respect. My Mom's emotions were so big so I made my emotions small and no one made it okay for me to have emotions. So I've not really had a good model as to what to do with emotions. He said I don't show my emotions on my face but he thinks that I am really quite sensitive. I agreed with him. Regular T would say that too, although I'm a bit more open with her as to what I let her see on my face. With him, being only session two, I don't trust him yet. Pastor or no Pastor. I just don't know him well enough to trust him. We talked about difficult thought patterns and beliefs. How it is like you are driving in the opposite lane and you need to stop them and get back in the right lane. So we talked about thought stopping which ironically Regular T brought up a couple of months ago and I said, is that some sort of CBT thing and made a face with her but I didn't do that with Pastor T because I know he is CBT oriented. Trigger for Talk of Christianity He said I have the power in the relationship, which isn't something I really struggle with or think a lot about. He wants me to read a couple of chapters from the book and memorize a verse and he'll be gone for a couple of weeks and then we will meet again, which I am open to, since this time it went much better. He said it is going to take a lot of hard work but he feels that it could be very beneficial to me. I'm mostly just willing to try just about anything that isn't too woo-woo. Because I want to get better finally. I see Regular T tomorrow.


Comments are okay.
Thanks for reading...Kit

My session today included talking about the roots of this depression. Yet I can't get close enough to get to he root. I'm too scared. We also discussed whether or not to take time off work. I. The end I chose to contact hr and see what protection I have to keep the job. I was essentially told I can't take time off or I will lose my job. So not cool. I also have an ethical concern that I'm not at my best. As it is I may still need to go in to ER but for now I'm there . And now I'm cold.

Note to self take some time to get back to normal

so.much.sexual.tension.today

towards the end of the session, i brought up having thought a lot about him (T) past week. he always responds professionally, directs questions towards what it means, what i want from him (emotionally), so i said i want him to really like me, or love me perhaps now i think of it. he asked me what it would bring me if he did, suggested a few things (safety, save me from worry), i didn't really know. i had also told him that i wanted to sleep next to him, lie close to him with my face close to his, kiss him in the morning, and that when i had those fantasies, it all felt so sweet and gave me a good feeling, that's as far as i got meaning-wise.

point is, i got really aroused. i noticed my breath changing, and tried not to show of course. but i also wasn't really stopping it from happening, because it felt so good. and to be there with him in the room - i started paying attention to his breath, too (i don't know if anything was different), at some point i saw him quickly glance down at his groin (i think) which was what i wanted, for him to be aroused too. i had told him a few minutes earlier that i want this tension to be there during the session, that i want to have that feeling.

being there in the room with him, talking about these things, oh man

I don't know what to say about my session today. We talked about hugs. We talked about hugs and ET. I am really confused about what is happening in my therapy.

What happened in session today was that I no-showed. Not the most responsible thing on my part, but I wanted to see what would happen. A year ago you told me if I didn’t show up one day, you’d email saying you noticed. But you didn’t.

For a session where I wanted to focus on anger, we covered a lot of ground. R came in and sat down, and my first words to her were:
‘Sorry for the e-mail.’
‘Sorry for the email? Why are you apologising?’

‘Let’s start with the fact that I didn’t intend to send it. I wrote it somewhere else, originally. I didn’t feel it was appropriate to put that in an email, although I know I would find it hard to sit here and say those words.’

‘That is how I read your emails.’

‘The anger is impairing my ability to function.’

‘Zeroing in on the email, I am still wondering what you thought I would say.’

‘There is a place for venting, and it is not in your email.’

‘I still feel as though there’s some fear there, perhaps based in your past experiences of people putting stuff on you, that I will think ‘That’s too much, Lost.’’

‘Yes.’

‘I didn’t interpret it as venting. I took it as ‘Please help me.’, and it is useful for me when clients reach out and say ‘This is what I need help with’, within an established, trusting relationship, because I am not going to…’

‘You’re not going to pick through…’

‘Exactly.’

‘We have said from the beginning that you can email, and I will reply if I have time, but it won’t be an open dialogue between sessions. Those are my boundaries.’

‘Thank you, that’s eased.’

‘I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I am not thinking ‘I wish Lost didn’t email me.’’

‘I don’t want this simmering anger to become part of me, but it is almost like being physically ill most of the time. That was the implication of the email.’
‘Yes.’

‘It grew from every moment of ‘What the **** are you doing?’ It’s so hard to watch somebody destroy themselves and receive regular updates from a safe distance. There was no safe distance.’

‘You took a lot of hits.’

‘Unlike the other situation, where I didn’t know anything until I needed to know.’

‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Please do.’

‘Is there still some anger directed at yourself. I have sat here and listened to you blame yourself, and also show yourself compassion.’

‘With the relationship I formed with Chris, the pain was non-negotiable, part of the contract. With the other situation, I knew that I was already in pain, and yet I stayed…Part of me is screaming ‘Empathy!’ and ‘Compassion!’…’

‘Towards yourself?’

‘Towards them. When I initiate new people into this experience, they often say ‘Those people must need some serious help…’ but that doesn’t make what they did excusable.’

‘It sounds like you don’t get what you need when you reach out.’

We talked about the fact that something difficult has happened to me, and it is now less about their actions and more about the impact. The biggest impact for me is the residual anger, alongside the impact on my confidence.

‘At my one-to-one music session on Tuesday, the facilitator asked me whether I thought I would ever get back to playing live again.’

‘That indicates to me that they’ve noticed you’re not doing something you used to enjoy. Can I ask what your response was?’

‘I was honest and said it would probably have to be in a totally different venue with a different audience. I hate the phrase ‘Welcome back!’, because half the time I am not sure whether I am.’
R asked what I was particularly concerned about, and I explained that I am now hyper-aware of the link between my music and my emotions ‘Long before I stopped going, anybody who was really listening would have noticed that one of my signature songs slowed down and down to the point that it stopped altogether.’
I changed tack and explained about the open mic at work.
‘I would really like to go, but the work I am producing at the moment is… Why am I talking about it as if you don’t know?’
‘Are you worried about being vulnerable at work, even if it isn’t actually work, and compromising that safe place?’
‘Yes. We’ve had somebody come back to the sessions recently who I am really proud of.’

‘Is that a student?’


We had a conversation about the limitations of professional roles, and how life still happens, even when you’re a professional.
‘If you strip everything else away, it sounds like this is something you really want to do. You are creative, you’re a performer…You have just talked a lot about worst case scenarios, so can I give you an alternative?’

‘Sure.’

‘What if it goes really well? What if your colleagues see you being vulnerable and welcome that?’

‘What if I can use the safety of work to help me get back to that?’

‘If you are always making decisions based on fear, that’s what you’ll get. We need to make decisions based on fear, because they keep us safe, but…Learn to trust yourself again.’
Earlier in the session, R had mentioned Edith Eger’s quote: ‘What’s the worst that can happen, and can I survive it?’

I asked her whether we could spend some time next week preparing me for safeguarding training, in addition to continuing to work with my anger.

She said that she will try to find out what they cover, and where things might come up for me.

Before she left, she said ‘I just want to say to you, please don’t stop emailing. I know there’s potential for “And Lost was never heard from again via email…” Be kind to yourself, and have a good rest of the day. See you next week.’

I met with her today and I was talking about being really hungry and putting on 5 pounds in a week and asking her if I looked like I gained weight. She said “honestly no.” I then said “I’m wearing shapeshifter so it really holds you in.” I meant to say shape wear. She didn’t say anything but she had this incredibly confused look on her face and I didn’t realize my mistake until I was in the parking lot. My mind is not right sometimes. I use the wrong words and phrases and some things just come out wrong. It’s frustrating. and I swear it’s something neurological. The session was fine though. I think I just confused her at times.

A snippet, talking about something my attorney said about divorce turning people into their worst selves (paraphrased as always).

Me: I don't want this to change who I am. I actually think this whole thing has forced me to constantly choose to be my best self because there's no grey area, no middle ground. I'm either going to be my best self or my worst.

T: At the end of the day, you have to be the one looking at yourself in the mirror and asking, Was I my best self? Did I make the most honorable choices I could? Was I true to who I am?

Me: And sometimes the question is just, Was I not-an-a**hole? Some days, that's a win.