In Session Today: Part VI

I forgot how hard group therapy is for me. Not being able to ask questions in front of other people. Not being able to process new info and unexpected feelings directly with t. Hearing ts personal anecdotes about all of the people in his life. I came home feeling disoriented, jittery and panicky. Maybe even a rare dose of dissociation? I feel weird. Want to talk to t have having a hard time putting into words what is happening with me.

Something happened, only u will understand but I can't talk to u about it!

I recall those feelings; sometimes I still feel them when I hang with a nontherapy related group.

I think group therapy is objectively hard because it pings just tons of interpersonal things that individual therapy doesn't. I started group therapy as an adjunct to individual therapy (with a different therapist) early when I started dealing with my past, and it was a survivor's group. I really wanted to deal with my interpersonal stuff but it wasn't right for me, either I wasn't ready or the therapist or group wasn't a good fit. About a year later I tried a support group for survivors that started off as a finite time with a leader, but then we continued meeting for as long as I reminded in that community (7 years) and they continued on. It was really, really good for me and felt like it healed little places in me and facilitated my self compassion and acceptance in ways individual therapy couldn't touch.

So I think there is great potential benefit to group work, when it's right for you. So I'd encourage you to keep going, talk about it with your T, and cut yourself some slack because it is really hard and probably will be for awhile. Always brave to try new things in the service of healing, no matter what they are, as it's always okay to stop if it's not the right time or thing.

I'm decided to see T today at 2. I am feeling nervous. if y'all want u may ride in my pocket...

I took a shower so that is good

I'll hop in, JDNA.

I'll hop in JunkDNA

me too! i’m glad you decided to see him, and good job on the shower

Gonna do a write up of both sessions, will split it in two posts.

We had a call on Monday since I hadn't been doing too well. In the first session, first I gave him my journal, which contained all the memories that came up in the last few days. He had suggested I could write it down on Monday. He asked what I wanted to talk about.

I said that my teacher, to whom I had written about possibly meeting up before I start working, had gotten back to me. I'd go meet him next Tuesday and I even have the possibility to join him for a lesson if I want that.

I mentioned that there had been a sentence in the teacher's email that bothered me. I had kept it pretty superficial, mentioning that he'd been my teacher for a while, what I had been up to since then, and so on. The guy wrote back and said that he remembered well that we used to go out for lunch 'in a difficult phase'. That bothered me, since that's what you tell a teenager. My mom used to tell me I was just going through a phase when I wanted to cut my hair short. As soon as I moved out, I cut my hair and I've been happier with it ever since. The word phase somehow means to me that it's a finished period in time. Which this thing I talked about with the teacher is not, it still bothers me to this day.

T asked what I'd like to talk about when I meet the teacher. I didn't really know. He asked whether I wanted to say that I'm not done with that phase yet, but that's not really what I'm going for.

Then we discussed that I'm nervous about sitting in a lesson. I mentioned how hard it always was for me to find somebody to team up with if there were group assignments. I was usually the one that had to join an already established group. So T took the opportunity to discuss how it might be at my first job. How people might go out for lunch and I can just join them, how it's okay if sometimes people don't want you to join, that it doesn't mean they'll never hang out with you again, and so on. He stressed that a whole lot. I also mentioned that I struggled with the lunch thing less in college, though group assignments were still an issue, there's more than one class I dropped simply because it required group work and I was too shy to ask anyone to work with me.

I then completely changed the topic and asked whether I can trip (i.e. do psychedelic drugs) on my medication. T said he wasn't sure. He already knows what I usually take, confirmed with me that it acts on serotonin receptors and then discussed a bit what to look out for. But ultimately he said that I'll probably not die and that it's just a thing you have to figure out with experience. I found it funny how he said 'a normal doctor would probably just say no, but I really can't do that'.

Second session of the week. I gave him some more notes. He told me he had read the rest. I mentioned how I had been thinking about topics to discuss with my teacher. Lots of normal topics like college, but I'd also like to ask him whether he remembers anything about our discussions over lunch. T asked why. I said it's not really that I care about whether he remembers, but I want to know whether my memories are accurate. Also, I don't really remember a whole lot about those meetings. I talked to that teacher for more than a year, for almost every week. Plus emails. But I remember very, very little. There's things that are almost like a movie, and then there's huge patches of no memories at all. My normal memory works differently, for example from my early college years, I couldn't tell you specifics, but I can remember the overall theme.

We also discussed that I had new memories that I never really remembered before that suddenly keep popping up. T said that's normal, that the mind works that way. That I'm currently thinking a lot about that time and actually am going back to the place where lots of the memories are, so it's normal that things come up that previously maybe didn't enter my mind.

At some point I started crying and shaking. T was quiet until I managed to calm down. He asked whether I was having flashbacks. I told him that at first I kept thinking that he'd not talk to me anymore and abandon me. Then I remembered all of the people who actually did that.

T asked whether that was something that I worried about with the teacher as well. I nodded. He wanted to know what my behavior was like during our lunch meetings. Whether I behaved similarly to the way I act with T, for example lie down and curl up. I said that the most I did was cry, but not very often. T asked how my teacher reacted to my behavior, whether he ever tried to comfort me. I said that it didn't seem like that a whole lot, but one time he hugged me. We also discussed what exactly I remember about these meetings, like topics, whether we ever did small talk, things like that.

I also told T about the emails we used to exchange. I was bullied and the teacher was my 'head' teacher, which means he was the one organizing everything for my class, the one who'd talk to parents and so on (our system is very different from the US system, he basically just has a bit more authority). I told him about the bullying via email almost every day. T asked whether those emails still exist, I said I made a backup but apparently child me only wanted to save the replies, not my actual writing. T laughed. He also asked whether there was already a way to back up data in that year and I said I created DVDs of my data...

T asked whether I thought the stuff that happened with my teacher was okay. I said no. He asked why not. I said first off reports of bullying should be taken way more seriously and it shouldn't be an ongoing thing for over months. Second, I don't think he should have hugged me or have met with me over lunch. And he should have brought me to somebody who actually knows how to deal with my issues.

T agreed with me. He said that the relationship wasn't really what it should be with a teacher. That a teacher shouldn't enter a relationship outside of class with a student, let alone have physical contact with them. He explained this for quite a while. He even compared it to . Though he said my case wasn't as bad from what he could tell, he still said it was clearly very boundary crossing and that the teacher would probably have been fired if anyone found out.

T then mentioned how there's lots of similarities between my relationship with that teacher, my relationship with one of my former friends and my relationship in therapy. He said how he has to be careful not to repeat patterns I had with those people. I said how that sounds like I shouldn't give him my journal anymore (since I wrote a lot of things down in both of the relationships he had mentioned). He said that it's different. That he has to be careful, but at the same time engage with some parts of the pattern. And how it's okay as long as we talk about it any have an open communication.

He also talked about a stone my teacher used to play with, which I took after one of our talks. T said how that symbolizes to him that I need people to physically be around instead of just keeping them in my mind. I mentioned how I did the same thing with some of the stuff T gave me. he said that that's okay but that in the long run the goal would be that I can just have a memory of people that are important to me and that that's enough.

At some point we had to say good bye. He told me to be careful when meeting my teacher, to not fall into old habits. And that I could of course still write everything down so he can read it.

T yesterday. Note, so part of this makes sense. T charges for emails that take him longer than 15 minutes to read and respond to, at his hourly rate in 15-minute increments. He's only charged me maybe 5-7 times in nearly 1.5 years and usually just responds for free. But this time, because I sent him two (brief) emails Monday, and he sent me a long paragraph in reply, plus a coping inventory to take, I figured he'd charge me.

Went back and sat down. I almost immediately got teary and said I felt almost like I should apologize for the emails I'd sent him Monday night. But then I knew I didn't have to. But I just hated that I was so needy. He said it was OK. Then I was like, "And I know you're going to charge me for it, and it's OK, but I'm sort of mad at myself for it, like I should have just emailed and said 'never mind, we can talk Thursday.' And I hate when you just tell me at the end of session you're charging me for an email, because then it's an awkward ending, so I'd rather know now." T: "I didn't charge you for it." Me: "You didn't?" T: "It didn't really take me that long. The COPE Inventory, I just copied and pasted from somewhere. I mean, it was a bit borderline on time, but I also know you had the extra session last week, so I'm trying to be mindful of your finances." Me: "Oh...thank you, I really appreciate that."

I said I'd filled out the inventory on how I coped with things and handed him a copy (I also had a copy). We both took out our reading glasses. I said I'd had trouble answering parts because it's like sometimes I do one thing, other times another thing that seems the opposite. Like sometimes I might obsess about the problem, other times use distractions to push it away. He said that's pretty common, that it might depend on the nature of the problem. And he said he didn't like how the regular test is scored, because it suggests that certain coping mechanisms are good and some are bad, while he feels it depends on the situation. Like if someone always used distractions and never faced a problem, could be an issue. But it's also not good to just obsess on something, which is something that I can end up doing. Talked some more about my answers.



Me (starting to cry): "I guess...I know realistically that this isn't why you sent the inventory to me. But I worry that you think I'm relying on you too much to cope, that you think I'm too needy, so you were sharing this so I'd find other ways. So that I won't bother you so much." T: "You aren't bothering me." Me: "OK, but I still feel bad about it. I mean I reach out to friends, too, for support." T: "I know you do, that's good. And it seems like they really help you." Me: "Yeah, but I worry I'm bothering them, too." T: "If you have a reciprocal relationship with them, where you also support them when they're having problems, then they're not going to think you're bothering them." Me: "But sometimes, if they're dealing with something of their own, I feel bad bothering them with my stuff." T: "Then you can both cry together." Me: "yeah, I guess so."

I said through tears how I'd been thinking recently that maybe I could have reduced session frequency, but then last week, I needed an extra session and I've emailed him a couple times in the past couple weeks. T: "I wouldn't base how you're doing on session frequency." Me: "OK." T: "And remember, improvement isn't linear." Me: "Yeah, I know...it's just hard when I think I'm doing better, then something happens like I need an extra session." T: "But you are doing better in some areas." Me: "Yeah, I guess so, I feel that I am. And...I try other stuff first before emailing you, I hope you realize that." T: "I do." Me: "Though I guess there have been a few times recently where you said you had expected me to email but I didn't. Where I was just able to sit with it until next session. So I guess that's progress?" T: "I certainly think so. Being able to sit with your feelings? That's a good thing." Me: "OK."

I said how a big conflict with ex-T had been, near the end of my seeing her, when she said I still seemed to have some much anxiety and depression. And it felt like she'd thought I hadn't improved, and it really hurt, because I thought I had. T: "Did you ask her for a refund?" Me: "No, maybe I should have!" I said I verified with H and ex-MC that they thought I'd improved, and they felt I had. So it helped. And it helped that T thinks I'm improving, too. He said I need to trust what I'm feeling inside, that if I feel like I'm improving, that's what counts the most. I said in some ways I felt I was.

Me: "But then also I guess I feel like I keep failing with the drinking, like I'll do better for a few days, then something will happen and I resort to that." T: "The way I see drinking for you is that medications don't help you much with anxiety. So you go to drinking to cope." Me: "Yeah...and I don't really want to resort to benzos, as that could cause its own problems." T: "Right. Plus you have some positive associations with drinking." Me: "Yeah, like hanging out with H or relaxing. So I guess it's complicated." T: "It's definitely complicated." Me: "I feel like...I don't know, like it's a symptom. And I need to take of stuff from the inside out, like fix stuff inside of me first. If I just focus on the drinking, I don't think it will last." T agreed. Me (seeing T surreptitiously grabbing his phone, so we could schedule): "I know we have to stop, we can talk about that more next time." T: "OK!"

Confirmed Monday and Thursday, then he said we could schedule the following Monday. T: "I don't want to mess up and put someone in your spot." Me: "But this coming Monday is a holiday, I figure your schedule is different, it's not a big deal." T: "But if I'd have put you in first, then I could have scheduled around you." Me: "Oh...OK." Scheduled for the following Monday.

Threw my pile of tissues away (note related to recent thread: no other tissues in trash can, just a candy or granola bar wrapper), then went over and paid. T shook my hand as he said, "Take care, LT." Me: "Thanks, you too." This seems like such a minor thing, but he usually says something else while shaking my hand (like "Good luck out there" or "have a good weekend"), then will sometimes add "take care" as I'm walking out. It felt meaningful that he said it as the main parting words, because I'd been pretty upset in session.

I feel one of the biggest parts of this session was that I really let my emotions out a few times. I was really weepy with him in early December when dealing with the ex-MC stuff, and it helped to get that out. But for some reason, I'd barely cried--maybe just tearing up a little--in session since then. It was like I was holding back for some reason, because I might end up crying at home, but not in there. So the fact that I was really kind of sobbing a few times at beginning and end, that release helped. And he seemed very caring, in the way that he spoke to and looked at me during those moments. Which meant a lot. Not quite ex-MC "holding with the voice" and "hugging from across the room" levels, but like T's version of that (as he's said, he's caring but not "warm and fuzzy" like ex-MC is). Not that I want or need to be sobbing in every session, but it's more that I seemed to be holding back, and I let go. And also expressed some fears, like that I was bothering him, that he thought I was being too needy, etc. I know much of that is likely projection, but his reassurance helped.

ETA: Responses ok, either here or in PM.

Thank you for posting LT.I always look forward to reading your session summary.

I can notice the difference and the growth in your posts.

Letting go, asking for what you need, that sounds like the good stuff of therapy. Thanks for giving us a window into it.

So this was the session that was meant to repair all the bad feeling I'd had. Ii guess t thought I was mad she was off a week and sick. I told her that didnt annoy me but i was relieved i didnt have to face her. She wanted to know more about what had upset me and i explained it a bit. As i thought, t had à reasonable explanation for what she meant. She said she cant always reassure me as shes not always available and that she will try her best. I dont thi k this is what she meant at the time though as I rarely text her for non scheduling and dont email so it's not like I ever ask for reassurance.

I told her I took issue with the idea that she would decide for me what is best for me. She said if she thought it was anxiety speaking then she may not respond. I asked if she genuinely thought that would help and she had no answer.

We discussed ex t 1 for a bit and her cancer diagnosis. It really shouldn't affect me but I do hope she is ok. It seemed a safe topic to discuss.

I told her I knew part of the issue was I hated feeling vulnerable and it was easier being angry so i could avoid feeling this but that i still felt tricked into telling her things. She said that she thought some of the trust was damaged and she hoped we could repair it. She was glad i came (i bet so $$$$)

All in all i still feel very cautious and a bit meh.

Replies ok

Yesterday's session: T came and got me on time at 7 PM. We walked back to her office together. She said again how much she liked my Christmas card. It had an angel and a bird on it, and she put it in her planner so she could look at it all year long. That made me feel good. We talked about my depression and how long this low dip has been. Honestly I don't know, but it has been a while. We talked about my sleeping a lot and not doing things I used to enjoy. She asked me how much I'm sleeping. She said depression does have physical effects but that it can also be an escape so the question is what is so painful that I want to escape so much? IDK. I just do. So we talked about my SH. That made me happy. Then I talked about my skin wanting to be and how it literally hurts. She asked how so? I said it throbs. She said to hold that thought and to follow her fingers while she did some eye movement work. We did this three times. I dissociated for a while. We talked about TV. Movies. Books. Alice in Wonderland. AI. How the world is getting worse with terrorism and such and what happens to our bodies after which is something she's worried about but I'm not. We talked about God talking to me. I'm glad she didn't say it was a hallucination because it was not. She seemed to believe me and affirm that. I dissociated quite a bit for a while. Things got blurry. She asked me how I was doing? I told her I was dissociated. She said let's try to get you back. She said to focus on my breathing and how I felt in the chair. We did the eye movement thing two times and then it was time to leave. The receptionist wasn't there when I got there, nor when I left so I couldn't pay or make another appointment. I'm kind of stressed that I don't have another appointment. I feel heard from my appointment. I'm starting to feel more attached to her. I'm not sure she is helping me or can help me. I'm not sure about the eye movement thing. I will know more in a couple days how I feel about the session. She said I'm wise and I have a quiet strength to do the right thing. She also said life isn't all skittles and fish which I found funny. That's all I can remember right now. I may remember more later. If so I will post it.
Comments welcome.

I feel so depressed
t saw me on his day off

but I found it hard to talk and make eye contact

t gave me some stuff to help with the shower flashbacks. t and I talked about how me being sexually active again triggered me. I said I wasn't ready and it wasn't with a good person either. t said having sex again is a big step for survivors even if it is with a good caring and understanding person

I don't want to ever have sex again.

t said it seems like I am totally cut off from everyone around me. I said yeah

t seems sad when I'm not well. I can see in his eyes. they look watery. I asked for a hug and he said yes. we hugged and I laid my head on his shoulder... he sighed a bit.

I left and felt bad for wasting ts time on his day off. I sent an email apologizing. t wrote back to my email and wrote a supportive message. he said I have every reason to feel bad but I need to take breaks from the intensity.. t said I need good things in my life

I don't feel I have any though. except boby

here is boby, my world

Junk

cute kitty!!

LT

Many of us with anxiety have the fear of bothering people, it's hard but for sure something that can be worked out.... I did it often at first with mine but as the trust grew with him and us... and I felt more confident in my life, I didn't need to feel that way. I was able to make my own boundaries and stick to them.

IF this is something you wanna work on, that's great, but maybe start coming up with a plan to get there. Even if its just a bunch of small steps. If you can get there, with T or anyone, it's such a huge relief off you.

((jD))

Boby!!! He is SO beautiful.