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Default Mar 02, 2022 at 12:03 AM
  #921
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Originally Posted by Waterbear View Post
I guess I just go back next week and see what happens next!?
Only you can answer that, but from what you wrote it sounds like she is the right T for you.

I am sorry you have experienced things bad enough that it would make you T cry. I am glad you are no longer downplaying it.

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Default Mar 02, 2022 at 01:01 PM
  #922
Today was ok but I'm a bit bummed about it. I talked to her about going off my injection for 3 months and my concerns about it. Then I mentioned my transference T and how it had been a year since I last saw her and how I felt like I was ok now. I told her I got rid of the candy I ate that reminded me of her and I was eating alot of peanut M&Ms. Which was just a random statement. Peanut M&Ms don't remind me of anything. My therapist said "thats good." Then I completly absentmindlessly said "whats your favorite candy?" And she basically snapped at me and said "you don't need to know that sir." I tried defending myself by saying I honestly didnt mean anything by it I was just trying to make conversation. And she was all like "dont sit here and tell me your just working on your social skills." Finally after stressing to her some more I legit meant nothing by my question I think she believed me. I did ask her if she was worried I was going to buy the same candy she liked and she said "yeah." Then she had to talk to me about boundaries and stuff.

I get how my question sounded once I said it. But I did not mean anything by it. But her getting testy with me kinda sucked. After that the session went alright.

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Default Mar 05, 2022 at 01:22 AM
  #923
Yesterday's session and today's email was very interesting. Yesterday I referenced the well of hands in the Labyrinth, saying that I felt like I was falling down it and no hands were reaching out to catch me. I sent L a link to the scene so she could see what I was talking about. She read the comments and came up with some interesting insights. The main one was that Sarah chose the correct door to go through because even though it didn't lead straight to the castle, it lead her to her friends who in the end helped her fight the army outside the castle. If she was to choose the other door which we assume went straight to the castle, it would probably lead to "certain death" because she wouldn't have her friends to fight the army.

She related it to how I try not to live with regrets. Because even though I've been through a lot of pain, it has lead me to her and T. Just like Sarah took the hard path, but it lead to her victory.

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Default Mar 09, 2022 at 01:47 PM
  #924
T and I talked about my feelings and thoughts about not having children. I didn't choose to not have children because I wanted to pursue a career or something else, it was because of my mental illness. I didn't think it would be fair to my children if their Mom was struggling so much even though I know I would love them beyond life itself. But lately a bunch of my cousins are having babies. Three boys so far, one girl, and one girl on the way. All in like 6 months! So I am constantly being bombarded with baby news. Not that I wish anything against these cousins but it just brings up so many feelings of loss and grief within me and sadness. Like unbelievable sadness. One of my cousin's is having a baby shower on Saturday and I don't want to go. I don't care much for this cousin and also the whole I don't have kids thing. But I am going because it is at night and my Mom doesn't do so well driving at night and with my Mom's memory issues she has trouble remembering what she is supposed to be doing so I don't really want her traipsing along the countryside at nighttime without someone with her. So it is my labor of love for my Mother. Even though it is causing me great sadness.


But I realize T didn't tell me what to do with these feelings. We just talked about them. I still have them. I am still dreading the shower on Saturday. I am still sad and feeling loss and grief. And I feel like no one cares. Like I am just the poor old cousin that never got married or had children. Not that I am unhappy with my life because most of the time I think my life is quite good. But there are times when I feel the lack myself and it is hard to swallow. I want to SH and get these feelings out of me this way but I can't because it's Lent and I gave this up for Lent and besides it wouldn't really help anything anyway. But I am tired of feeling these feelings. I'm going to have to pretend to be so happy for my cousin on Saturday. I am happy for her but I am also unhappy for me! That sounds so selfish. Gosh I am such a loser.

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Default Mar 09, 2022 at 01:49 PM
  #925
Today went good. She was late again with another client and she apologized and then said she could move my appointments up 15 minutes. I talked to her about how she views me. How I'm not pushing my feelings from my transference T onto her. And how I'm not some creepy weird person with ulterior motives. We talked about my panic attack at the hotel on Thursday. She's being really strict though and wont allow an email check in during the week even though I offered to pay for it. She is still only allowing the one in person session and no emails. Despite me saying thats not enough. But it went good although she asked a few personal questions that seemed a bit hypocritical She asked what kind of M&Ms I ate this morning. I didn't know if she was ****ing with me or not but I told her and I wasn't a smartass by asking her what kind of M&Ms she likes. She also asked what kind of car my mom drove. Therapists can be so frustrating and confusing sometimes. But at least she wasnt freaking me out about Ukraine the way my pdoc was.

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Default Mar 16, 2022 at 12:46 PM
  #926
Wow, Echos. It sounds like you have a very close and deep relationship with your T. I do agree with you that maybe his feelings are too “strong” right now, that he got more affected than if it was from purely a therapeutic stand point.

It sounds hopeful though; like this is something that can be worked through. I am sorry it has been so difficult to wade through. You really seem to have a grasp on what will help you. I admire that, as I never know!
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Default Mar 16, 2022 at 03:45 PM
  #927
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux View Post
He said that his thought for emails this week is that I can email as much as I like and he will reply once a day. I'm inclined not to email at all because I still feel very hurt about what happened via email last week.
I think in your place, I would also be hesitant because I would feel unsure if I trusted that this time his boundaries accurately reflect what he can handle. I mean since he didn't realize until it was too late before and that resulted in harm to you both. My instinct to withdraw to protect myself would be really activated.

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Default Mar 16, 2022 at 03:56 PM
  #928
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I think in your place, I would also be hesitant because I would feel unsure if I trusted that this time his boundaries accurately reflect what he can handle. I mean since he didn't realize until it was too late before and that resulted in harm to you both. My instinct to withdraw to protect myself would be really activated.
I agree with you. I think he is worried about me feeling abandoned, so I think he is offering more than he is comfortable with. I want him to recover. I don't want to make him worse. I always said, I don't need to worry about his boundaries, if he can't do something he won't offer. But this has shaken my belief in his ability to do that.
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Default Mar 16, 2022 at 04:36 PM
  #929
I felt claustrophobic reading this. The focus feels distorted to me. I would be asking myself if this was my therapy or a process group: this is also a question I ask myself about my therapy so I recognise this as a projection of mine and might not be useful to you. I would be disturbed by him saying that he needed the hug. However, I wouldn't work with touch with a male therapist so, again, leave that as you will.
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Default Mar 23, 2022 at 11:08 AM
  #930
I was supposed to have an in person session this morning. I left 20 minutes early to get a piece of breakfast pizza and a soda from the gas station. While I was there my T called my mom and asked if I could switch my appointment to virtual. I was kinda weirded out because I was wondering if she knew where I lived or something like that. Like how did she know what time I left and could make it home in time to set everything up. Anyways I guess she was feeling pretty sick. So I hurried home from the gas station and had like 3 minutes to spare. She didnt send the link for 15 minutes. Then I was in the waiting room for 5 minutes. She apolgoized and said she could still do 45 minutes if I had the time and I said yeah.

So we just talked about the lab work and the giving blood tommorow. We talked about my anxiety about current events and she told me the whole worry about what you can thing and this time I did tell her that it sounded dismissive. And she did agree that it sounded dismissive but it is a helpful thing to do. We talked a lot today about healthy eating and how I've been eating better and losing weight. She wants me to eat more fruits and vegetables but she said my protein is good. At one point I said I was worried about my mom dying despite her being in better health then I was and I said I felt like my mom could survive without me but I couldnt survive without her and my T asked if I was having S thoughts. I said no I was reffering to my lab work results. Why do their minds always go there?

Anyways besides the whole weird sudden switching to virtual, which I get happens in the covid age, things went fine. I've said this before but I feel like virtual is more productive for me. Not that I prefer it to in person but every once in awhile is helpful.

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Default Mar 23, 2022 at 12:22 PM
  #931
Therapy with T last night. Plus: She did have her dentures and she didn't take them out! And it was Zoom but I spent most of the time looking down and not looking at her anyway. I tend to not look at my T's that much when I am talking but I will look at them when they are talking.

I got dissociated last night. I don't know if it was talking about emotional abuse or if it was from the new medicine I am taking Lybalvi. Because it was so bad after I had taken the medicine that I wanted to go get an ice cream cone and I was thinking, I shouldn't drive like this.

She said she could tell I was working really hard to do a good job in therapy last night. She said she could tell that the feelings of "bad" were from a very young age.

She also told me she thinks I have OCD. Great. (Sarcasm) Like I need another diagnosis. I knew I had OCD tendencies but she says it is pretty clear to her that I have it. Makes me feel sicker than I already am.

I think she was trying to figure out why I didn't contract to not self harm. I think she got it. When I am in a certain frame of mind where I don't know if I can hold to a promise I am not going to promise something. She did ask why I couldn't promise longer. I didn't really give a good reason for that. I know why I can't. I just don't know how to articulate it.

I was mostly just sort of done yesterday. The day that I could have used therapy was Monday and by the time I had it Tuesday night everything had chilled inside of me and it was hard to go back and explain it.

I was able to talk a little more freely because both of my parents had left to go to a religious class. So they weren't there listening on the other end of my call.

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Default Mar 23, 2022 at 04:08 PM
  #932
Don't want to write it all out but we connected. Like we haven't connected in a while. I feel some relief, I finally know we will be okay. But I also know we have a lot of repair work to do.
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Default Mar 30, 2022 at 10:28 AM
  #933
I can't tell if I'm depressed about how the session went or just depressed in general today. The session itself went fine but she's always like 10 minutes late with her client before me and then doesn't make up that time with me. I asked her today if her other clients were more important because I did feel hurt. And she said "no. Its not that." She said it in a way where she knew she hurt me. She didn't explain what it was but offered to let me stay later but when I got to the car I realized she didn't keep me any longer. It just bums me out because it does make me feel like I'm less important then her other clients. She also didn't open her office door for me when I left which I found weird. She stood up like she always did. But then she watched me walk to the door and watched me open it myself and watched me walk out. I don't know. It was almost like she was observing me for something?

Overall today was productive and we got a lot talked about. Just the whole being late thing is annoying.

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Default Mar 31, 2022 at 08:22 AM
  #934
I began today's session by filling R in about my experience of being on the interview panel. I went into more detail than I had intended, particularly about my boss's 'positive, upbeat public face' comment.

We did some breathing before moving into talking about Steve. The anger I feel towards him seems to be related to having to redefine my support system.

Although we spoke about the anger, I did not reach for the letter, seemingly leading R to believe that the anger was not in the room.

Admitting that I feel anger towards Steve is the least comfortable thing in the world. I do not want to feel this way towards someone I really admire.

R highlighted my boss's comment again. What I saw and admired was Steve's 'public face'.

'We all have one.'

We also spoke about the idea that this will never 'make sense.' If it did, R offered, 'it would be dangerous'.

There is a level of agreement that Steve made a choice, which is a relief to me. I thought on some level that I was 'wrong' for believing that. It would be so easy for me to carry on pretending that I am 'OK' with what Steve did.

It's hard not to feel like I am acting. Anger is SO uncomfortable for me, and particularly when it is at someone I care about.

We are getting closer to April, and the idea of dealing with anniversary stuff and new grief bothers me. I will try to have the conversation I needed again next week.

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Default Apr 06, 2022 at 11:02 AM
  #935
She was once again 15 minutes late. It was virtual this time so I was able to keep track of the time. Once she came on camera I said "I was about to say screw it and go back to bed because now its starting to feel personal." She apologized and said its not personal and she said she trys to make up the time. I told her last time we still ended at the same time. She said she'll just start setting timers now. For the first few minutes I didn't say much and she did most of the talking. Then she said "I know you're mad at me" and I said I wasn't mad I was just super tired and anxious. She said its probably just a combination of the melatonin I'm having trouble managing and going back on my injections thats causing all these issues. I admitted that I had been using the jumping to conclusions thought distortion alot when I was in public and we went over some scenarios and came up with what else may have happened. The stuff I learned in 2020 IOP is still sticking with me. But it went well after our rocky start but I was checked out and very tired the whole time. She said shes glad I was so cool with doing virtual since some of her other clients were giving her a hard time about it.

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Default Apr 07, 2022 at 10:44 AM
  #936

Privacy was a bit of a challenge for today's session as a friend arrived 30 minutes before. R arrived and confirmed that she had received my email. Although she didn't get a chance to reply, she said that she had picked up on the tentativeness.

'It's hard for me to explain my spirituality.'

'What spirituality means to you might be different to what spirituality means to me.'

'We've had conversations about spirituality over the years, and for me, it never gets any easier.'

R reminded me that there is no judgement from her.

'When Chris and I talked about spirituality, there was never any sense of 'This is what you are going to need to know when I'm gone.' She mentioned a particular book... I hadn't mentioned it to Mum, but when I went on a residential, she went to Glastonbury town. When I got home, there was a copy of the book on my bed.'

'Wow. If that isn't a sign...'

We ended up talking about how my spirituality is linked to people.

'Once upon a time, there was a physicality to my spirituality, and that makes it hard. Especially sitting here the day before
the most significant date. Before I get a million miles away...'

At that point, the friend shouted 'Bye!'

'Well done,' R said to me. 'Bad timing. You were saying 'Before you get a million miles away...'

I reached over to my side, and realised I couldn't find what I was looking for.

'Have you lost something?'

'My butterfly notebook.'

'I know the one. Do you want to go on a hunt?'

I did so briefly, and returned to the living room.

'I know I brought it in here.'

R got up and put her hand down the side of my chair. She pulled out my notebook.

'I have three children, I spend half my life looking for things.'

'Thank you so much!' I pulled the piece of paper out from the front of the notebook and took a deep breath.

'l took one with you.'

I began to read the letter aloud, and stumbled over the same part I always do. Trying again, I reached for R's hand. Her grip tightened as I approached it again.

'You may be feeling confused, but you are doing it. Even writing this is one way of expressing your anger.'

I eventually admitted that I feel as though I am acting when I read it aloud.

'There is a fire in it, but when I get to that point, it hits me. What a ****ing waste!'

The manner of Steve's death threatens to become my defining image of him and I don't want that to happen.

R reminded me that I am very particular in the way I express myself. 'Everything is considered. You are a writer, and a perfectionist in a sense.'

The anger may need to find another way out.

We finished with a few cleansing breaths. R kept her word that whatever we stir up can be settled.

She asked how I was feeling.

'There are words in other languages that cannot be translated into English.'
'OK.'

'I don't think the word exists for what I am feeling, but I am feeling a little relieved.'

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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 12:22 AM
  #937
.... Arghh!

Out of all the things I wrote down about the situation, I was surprised at the one you picked which stood out the most for you. That was the least of the issues. We really aren't on the same page at all are we.

It's not your fault you aren't ex-T. I know that. It's my projections of what I want you to be like and my expectations that you will respond to me in the same way she did. It's never going to happen, so why can't I let 'what was' go, and focus on 'what is'?
Maybe I'm getting in my own way so that I don't have to deal with the really tricky stuff. Avoidance tactics.

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Default Apr 14, 2022 at 09:02 AM
  #938
R acknowledged my email this morning, and said that she would listen to ‘The Paper and the Ink’ on the way to session. We began with a round of thank yous, firstly for the email, and also for picking up my piece of paper last week.

‘Did that stay with you? Bless you.’

After that, we moved into talking about the song. R asked what I was left with having listened to it. ‘You mentioned the time frame.’

‘That was a big thing for me – if he can still be in shock eight years later…’
‘There’s a lot of heart in it, and a lot of pain. Is that validating for you?

‘Absolutely. I listened to it again just now, and this time I was struck by the last verse. Other than the chorus, the song ends with humming. Sometimes there are no words.’

‘Sometimes it is OK not to have words?’

‘Good point.’ I reached across to where I had put my butterfly notebook – no danger of it falling this week – and pulled out the letter. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I readied myself to read it again. R reminded me ‘Nothing bad is going to happen because you read these words. This is your truth, and truth is never wrong.’

Although I wouldn’t say I read it easily, there were fewer stumbles. We spoke about separating my feelings towards Steve from my feelings about the act.

‘If I were to draw a Venn diagram, with interlacing circles, it would be hard to separate things out.’

‘Maybe there is something to be done in terms of organising the emotions?’

‘Have I ever shared a poem with you called Small Circles?’

‘It doesn’t sound familiar.’

I used to have it memorised, but in that moment it escaped me.

‘I’m not sure whether you’re going to recite it, or grab a piece of paper.’

Thankfully, I was able to put my hand on my copy of my poetry book.

‘I’m impressed by your ability to find things quickly. That’s similar to me finding your notebook last week.’
‘Thank you – the poem could stand a change of pronoun.’ I read the piece, and R asked when I wrote it.

‘Originally, I was addressing Kim, and it was written in 2013.’

‘AS I said earlier, it’s interesting how our own work comes back to us and resonates in a different way, like quotes on social media and songs.’

We continued to speak about my anger towards Steve, and R said something about him having made me feel safe.

‘That’s exactly it, and that is where the ‘How could he do that?’ lives.’

I continued. ‘I never imagined a scenario in which I would be having a conversation with you over Zoom, where I asked you to help me understand the concept of suicidal ideation!’

‘He made you feel safe, and then he took that away.’ The gut-wrench at that precise moment hurt.

‘Therefore, it is OK that I am…’

‘You can say it.’

‘It is OK that I am angry.’

We did some breathing around gratitude and honouring me for showing up. R used the affirmation ‘I am proud of myself,’ whilst I went with ‘I am learning to trust myself.’

R complimented me on my level of openness today, saying it was the first time I had read the letter with such ease. ‘Not that I’m suggesting it was easy. You’re doing amazingly.’

Our next session will be on Tuesday 26th April.

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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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Default Apr 15, 2022 at 05:07 AM
  #939
Last night I was very tired and it was noticeable. She mentioned my tiredness at the start of the session and I kept nodding off and she noticed it but ignored it for the most part. She had to do a lot of pushing because I was tired and my earbuds werent working so I couldnt hear her very well. She had to remind me we had 14 minutes left because I wasn't doing much. We got some stuff talked about but its not like our AM sessions. She didn't mention me taking my meds before the session. So I don't know if she could tell. She knew I hadn't been feeling good though. I did ask her if she had seen a particular coffee commercial that was in relation to what we were talking about. So I was participating.

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Mountaindewed
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Mountaindewed NoahsArk30
 
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Default Apr 20, 2022 at 11:28 AM
  #940
Today was really productive. I said I wasn't feeling good because of the stomach pain and nausea I've had and how I went to the doctor and he prescribed some meds. We talked about the difference between anxiety and hunger and how I can't often tell the two apart and how I think I'm just anxious all the time. We talked about that for a bit.

Then I told her I was having a lot of memories about something that happened almost 15 years ago. We didn't go into details but I mentioned reading a book that had triggered it. Then I mentioned wanting to go IP last week but there wasn't any reason for me to go. I just wanted to go. Finally I said I wanted to go to the hospital just to get restrained but then I used my weighted blanket and it helped and I was told by another therapist that when I feel like that, its a sensory issue. And she like immediatly knew what I was talking about and asked if I wanted to know her expirenece and I said yeah and she said that she worked with autistic kids who'd act out a lot but then the staff figured out they just wanted the pressure from being restrained so they found other coping skills for them that involved that pressue. And I said I did the exact same thing when I was a teenager but I didn't know it was a sensory issue until I was told 2 years ago by my transference T when I mentioned my weighted blankets helped me deal with the feelings. My therapist then asked a bit about my autism history.

Then after that we talked about going back to work and how I was worried because I looked like a guy on the outside but I felt more non binary on the inside and I didn't want to get called out or anything at work for being into fashion and modeling shows and knowing more about the fashion world then I do about sports and stuff. It was just a pretty deep session. I was cold and piling pillows on top of me and she didn't seem to mind. My mom is sick though and didn't tell me. And was in the waiting room so I'm hoping I don't get whatever it is she has because my therapist will majorly freak out.

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