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Default Jan 19, 2019 at 02:40 PM
  #81
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Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks View Post
((jD))

Boby!!! He is SO beautiful.
yes boby knows he is beautiful because I tell him he is beautiful and perfect and the best Boby ever every day

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Default Jan 19, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #82


JD- cuteness overload! I like his fuzzy chest pattern.

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Default Jan 19, 2019 at 05:37 PM
  #83
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yes boby knows he is beautiful because I tell him he is beautiful and perfect and the best Boby ever every day
good <3 i also tell my kitties that they are loved about 5 million times a day.
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 03:56 PM
  #84
My session on Thursday:

I had texted the therapist the previous night following the first lab of my PE/yoga class. I was really distressed about it for a multitude of reasons, including: being "triggered" by the instructor's demeanor, being upset by the mirror we were forced to do yoga in front of, feeling depressed and disgusted by my appearance in said mirror due to medication induced weight gain, ****ing crying at the end for no reason (just as I had feared).

We dove right into talking about how the yoga class had upset me. I listed the reasons. I was especially angry about the 3-4 tears that had slipped out at the end of the class. I had previously read on this forum about people spontaneously crying in yoga, and I had been worried I might be a victim of such an attack - despite the fact that I rarely cry. I told the therapist about how we were just lying on the floor when it happened. I mentioned how the instructor started saying all sorts of yoga compassion stuff, which made me feel personally attacked and threatened. I admitted that my reaction was bizarre and irrational.

I also talked about how the instructor was using her therapist voice and I hated it. The therapist wanted clarification on this for obvious reasons, as this is not something we have discussed before. I explained that the instructor is a clinical social worker, like the therapist, and she was using her therapist voice during the class. I told her it made me feel threatened, which was embarrassing to admit. The therapist asked if I feel that way with her (the therapist's) voice. I said no, she doesn't do the weird mushy gushy thing. The therapist seemed to find this amusing.

I said I was worried about doing the meditation stuff in the class. Unless it involves my dog (physically), I find meditation reminds me of the feeling when something bad is happening and you shut it out and focus on something little to get you through the experience. So basically, dissociation. In keeping with the theme of my feelings during the class, meditation makes me feel threatened and unsafe. Meditating on cue feels like trying to enact a trauma response even when I am safe. I don't find that helpful or desirable. The therapist seemed to understand what I was saying. Then I threw mindfulness into the mix (which is a favorite with therapists). She understood that a little less, I think. I tried to explain how I experience mindfulness as depersonalization and derealization, but I'm not sure she understood.

Next we talked about how I hated the breathing exercises. I told the therapist that doing any sort of activity where I have to focus on and alter my breathing in a certain way is extremely triggering for me. I have experienced traumas where my breathing was restricted or cut off, and anything that imposes on my ability to breathe naturally makes me feel panicked and anxious. I believe this is the opposite of the intended effect. The anxiety can sometimes even trigger an asthma attack. So I really, REALLY hate breathing exercises.

We talked briefly about the traumas which make the breathing exercises so upsetting.

The therapist asked if I could talk to the instructor about how I might have trouble with some things in the class. She said that hopefully, an LCSW would recognize how some things might affect people. I said the instructor is only an MSW. The therapist said she should still have some training. I scoffed. I have no intention of playing my sad little violin for the instructor. I'll just do the best I can, fake the meditation, and hope she doesn't notice if my chest isn't always rising and falling according to her commands.

The therapist brought up how my text had said that I wanted to act out because of the class, but had used a positive coping strategy instead.

I decided to take the opportunity of the therapist being pleased with me to tell her something bad I had done a little while ago. I thought she was going to be angry. She would have had a right to be, as it involved her. She wasn't angry, which felt anticlimactic. She wanted to talk about why I had done what I had done. I equivocated. I said the important thing was I had done something bad. She said maybe I had a reason for doing it. I told her something else. We sat in silence. I asked her if she was going to say something. She asked me what I thought she was going to say. I said I didn't know, but she was looking at me. She sounded amused and said she had been looking at me the whole time. I told her I thought she was going to be angry. She said I think that a lot. She said she liked that I was being honest. I said it wasn't very comfortable.

I told the therapist part of the class requires creating a wellness plan for the semester. The therapist thought this was good. I said when I create the plan, it will be clear my current wellness is in the gutter. The therapist said she had sort of been trying to create a wellness plan with C involving getting out of the apartment more, but that she hadn't been very successful.

I said I would try not to stay in bed all weekend. We talked about taking my dog somewhere nice on an outing. She gave me a few suggestions.

Last edited by susannahsays; Jan 20, 2019 at 04:10 PM..
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 05:26 PM
  #85
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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
I tried to explain how I experience mindfulness as depersonalization and derealization, but I'm not sure she understood.
I sometimes experience mindfulness in a similar way. Sometimes it feels 'normal' but sometimes it reminds me a lot of dissociation.
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 01:22 PM
  #86
My new therapist says she will see me. But She won’t be able to until the end of April. But she sounded really nice, and isn’t 60 years old like the other therapists I’ve had.

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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:00 PM
  #87
T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I filled him in on the 5K I'd done that Saturday, and he was very encouraging about it. He asked how I was doing and said he got the sense I was doing better, because we'd started with general chit chat and hadn't done that in a few sessions. I said I guessed so.

I said I felt the previous session had been helpful, in part because of talking about the coping mechanisms. He said he was glad. Me: "And also, it seemed like I'd kind of been holding back emotionally in here the few weeks before that. Like I might have been crying at home but was holding back in here for some reason. And last session, I felt I was really able to release that, which I think was really helpful." T: "Hm, I feel like you've been fairly emotional lately in here though." Me: "I mean, a month ago with the ex-MC stuff, definitely. I just feel I have been so much since then, like maybe got teary-eyed, but not like I was last session." T: "I don't know, I recall you being pretty upset a couple weeks ago." Me: "OK."

I don't think I quite realized what I was feeling at that moment, but later it hit me that I felt invalidated. Like my experience was that I released these feelings, and it was a big deal, and he didn't seem to think so. I think I need to bring that up next session...

I brought up how I'd been having lots of trouble sleeping the past few nights, like awake for a couple hours in the middle of the night, partly due to D being awake some, but also my own issues. He was empathetic. Somewhere in there, I mentioned how I generally sleep on the couch in the living room, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, but not recently. So he asked more about that. I explained some of the reasons behind it, and how it had been since I was pregnant. T was asking if I felt it caused emotional and physical (like sexual) distance from H. I said it kind of did. That I did miss how we'd have little chats in bed at times.

He asked if I was partly sleeping downstairs to avoid physical intimacy, and I said maybe part of it, but also I'm often just tired and want to go to sleep rather than feeling I should talk. And I often wake up in the middle of the night but don't want to disturb H, so when I was still sleeping in the bed, I'd just lie there, staring at the ceiling. I mean, maybe look at my phone a bit, but that's all. And sometimes I'd go downstairs, but worried about waking him up, because he tends to be cranky when not getting enough sleep (while I'm just used to it). Plus, now D often calls out for me in the middle of the night, so I'd have to go down two flights of stairs to her (she's one flight above living room--split-level townhouse). Which likely also would wake H. Or what if I couldn't hear her in there, especially when we have window AC unit in there in summer? Plus I said I kept having anxiety attacks when I tried to sleep up there last. So...lots of factors.

T seemed to understand and suggested I talk to H about my concerns regarding waking him, etc. And how if I try sleeping up there again, I could let him know that if I just get up and go downstairs, it's almost always that I'm just having trouble sleeping, and nothing to do with him (because I worry he'd ask me about it). I said I could do that, that maybe I could try to see if I could initially fall asleep up there, then if I have to come downstairs in the middle of the night, that's OK. Regarding sex, T suggested that we could come up with a rule that desire for physical intimacy would need to be expressed by one (or both) of us at least 30 minutes before bedtime. That the default would be no intimacy, so I wouldn't have to be like, "I'm going to be and just want to sleep." Or if I maybe just wanted to cuddle with him for a few minutes. I said that seemed like a good way to handle it.

Somewhere in there, while talking about the sofa, T said, in a rather bemused tone: "I feel like you use footnotes when you talk. Like I can almost see the superscript 1 up there when you say something. Like, 'So we do need to buy a new couch'--footnote--'though this one has served us well for 9 years'--'but it's gotten kind of worn down'--other footnote--'I mean, it's just from JC Penney, it's not high-end or anything.'" I laughed and said that yeah, I do kinda do that. But H would call it "overexplaining" and think of it as a negative thing.

Had about 10 minutes left. I brought up the drinking stuff again, said how while laying awake a few nights ago, came up with new plan for it. How each week, I'd set some goal that I'd want to achieve at least 5 of 7 days. Like the first week, no drinking before noon (yes, I know that's bad...). How I'd started that 3 days ago and had met the goal each day. T said that was good I'd met the goal. I said the idea was, I'd build on that, how the following week, I'd push the time later or else decide I couldn't have a drink before therapy (well, I guess pushing time later would work for that!) or that I couldn't drink after a certain time. T: "I'll support you in whatever you want to try." Me: "I appreciate that."

I said I was really trying to get back to more of a social drinking thing. Like, having a few beers with H in the evening. How right now, I feel my biggest issue/concern is drinking when I'm alone in the house, like during the day. And if I had a full-time job outside the house, it would keep me from doing that (I work freelance from home). T: "Is that the goal, to get a full-time job?" Me: "Eventually. I think? But obviously I need to figure out the drinking thing first. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those people with a bottle in my desk...."

T said how people he knows who work in addiction and from what they've told him, trying to moderate (i.e., what I'm doing) generally isn't successful. How it generally comes down to abstinence being what people need to do. He said some other stuff around that, but I think I kind of zoned out a bit. Because in my head, it just felt like "What you're trying to do is not going to be successful." Even though he didn't say those words. I said how I'd drank socially in the past, so I felt like I should be able to return to that. Like, I'm not someone who starts drinking and can't stop. I stressed how I very rarely actually get drunk, it's more just having like 5 beers spread out over the course of the day/evening.

I knew we had to stop. I said how maybe we needed to spend, say, 10 minutes each session talking about how the drinking was going, and T said we could do that if I thought it would help. Confirmed Thursday and Monday and, after some debate, scheduled for Wed. Thursday is my birthday, and I feel weird about going to therapy then. But, as I mentioned to T, next. Tues. or Wed. is also the anniversary of when I cheated on H, so I think I'll need extra support. So tentatively picked Wed., but T said I can always switch if I change my mind.

Went over and paid. Shook hands as T said "Good luck out there" (which he hasn't said recently), then, "Stay warm!" (It was very cold.) I said, "You too!" and was sorta hoping for a "take care," but didn't get one.

Went out and got in my car, where I immediately started sobbing. Sat there for 45 minutes crying, messaging with a couple friends, and ultimately emailing T. Will put that in separate post (even though it's short), as this is already quite long.

ETA: Comments OK.

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Jan 22, 2019 at 06:51 PM..
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #88
T email exchange:
Sent about an hour after my session:
Subject: "Wanting you to have faith in me"
"You said today that you’d support me in whatever I try regarding cutting back on drinking. Which I appreciate. And I know you’re citing various addictions research and trying to keep from me going down a hopeless path. Yet I want you to believe I can get through it and succeed (much like you seem to believe in my ability to overcome and be successful in other things in life). I know it ultimately comes down to believing in myself. But I also want to feel that you have faith in me, that you think I’m strong enough to overcome this. I know this is probably asking too much of you and might not be something you’d be willing to say, even if you did feel it. I just feel a bit hopeless about it right now, partly from what you said in session. And I need to have hope.
--LT"

T (a few hours later):
"Have hope. I do believe you can do it. I’m glad you’re continuing to seek solutions. It’s a tough obstacle to overcome, but definitely do-able."

I was very touched by his response--something in "Have hope" particularly spoke to me. And of course that he said he believed in me. I was fully expecting him to say it's not up to him to have faith/believe but for me. Or something like that. (I did send a brief reply thanking him and saying it made me feel better.)
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:36 PM
  #89
LT

It's nice he replied. Most T's and decent humans would be supportive of someone doing something good for themselves. You are right though, you need to do it for you. It's ok to have support along the way, cheerleaders and such but it has to be for you. I hope you are able to do that

I feel like, and maybe I'm off, but you seem to constantly seek approval from him. I'm unsure why? Part of a T's job is to be supportive and non judging, he has proved time and time again, that he is ok with you. I wouldn't expect much different from a T. I think, and I lack this too so it's not judgmental, you need to find some true and real self love. You need to approve yourself. I struggle with it too but I'm trying, making a list of things that scare me that I want to do and things that can build my confidence. I don't hate myself but I sure don't love myself.

Hopefully in time, we can both get to that place where we can love ourselves and approve of ourselves and achieve the goals we want for ourselves. Good luck to you with it all

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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:42 PM
  #90
LT--as always excellent write up. I too think the "have hope" was touching. It's a nice connection and it's a good solid remark. I used to ask former T if she still had hope for me and she would always say yes. Hope is a good thing. We all need it. HUGS Kit
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:59 PM
  #91
Kit

You are very right about hope, while I try to never have too much of it.... and end up let down potentially, I always have some, right now... hope is the only thing helping me get through losing my T.

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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:01 PM
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LT

It's nice he replied. Most T's and decent humans would be supportive of someone doing something good for themselves. You are right though, you need to do it for you. It's ok to have support along the way, cheerleaders and such but it has to be for you. I hope you are able to do that

I feel like, and maybe I'm off, but you seem to constantly seek approval from him. I'm unsure why? Part of a T's job is to be supportive and non judging, he has proved time and time again, that he is ok with you. I wouldn't expect much different from a T. I think, and I lack this too so it's not judgmental, you need to find some true and real self love. You need to approve yourself. I struggle with it too but I'm trying, making a list of things that scare me that I want to do and things that can build my confidence. I don't hate myself but I sure don't love myself.

Hopefully in time, we can both get to that place where we can love ourselves and approve of ourselves and achieve the goals we want for ourselves. Good luck to you with it all

I do tend to look for approval from authority figures in general (which includes the T category), and I have from this T before. But I don't feel in this instance it was so much looking for approval as support. That I felt in some of what he was saying during session, it was almost like "Yeah, that won't work." It's like I want him to think I'm strong enough to do certain things. I feel like maybe I didn't get that from my parents (well, particularly my mom). She focused on my mistakes, not my successes. I think I just want T to be kind of like, "Yeah, I know you can do it, you've got this!" Like...I don't know, a parent cheering on their kid when they're at bat in a softball/baseball game (I was never good at sports, so maybe that's not the best comparison). Pretty sure that next session we'll at least spend some time discussing what's going on in my wanting him to have faith in me, so I'll probably be able to explain it more then.
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
LT--as always excellent write up. I too think the "have hope" was touching. It's a nice connection and it's a good solid remark. I used to ask former T if she still had hope for me and she would always say yes. Hope is a good thing. We all need it. HUGS Kit

Thanks, Kit. Agreed that we all need hope. That's nice that your former T would say that
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:06 PM
  #94
LT

I get that but again as a T, it's kind of his job to support you, and all clients. It's not like he's gonna outright say "You suck, you can't do it" that would be awful... well in general but especially for a T. You and I both tend to read into things that aren't there so what you thought he was saying, likely wasn't what he was saying at all, you know he supports you. He has so much already.... but again, you need to have faith in you. Do YOU believe YOU can do it? That's what counts most. This isn't about making T happy or anything, its about YOU and the changes you are making in yourself.

Not that it matters, but I do support you. I believe you can do anything you set your mind to. I also don't think a T is an authority figure, he's no better than you. He's paid to listen to you, not tell you what to do. Honestly, clients have a lot of pull in the relationship too, WE can fire them, WE can report them, WE can stop going and make them lose money etc. I think of it more an equals. Maybe I'm nuts though but I never saw any T as an authority anything.

I know T is the only support that matters to you, but you have tons of support in your journey. Many people here, your H, your D, others in your family, friends, other people online, many people believe you can do this. Many people hope you can succeed... but is one of those people YOU?

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Last edited by DP_2017; Jan 22, 2019 at 07:26 PM..
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:47 PM
  #95
DP,
It's complicated. And I know you and lots of other people on here and elsewhere in my life, including H, support me. I definitely value your and their support. I certainly don't only care about the support of T, by any stretch. It's just a different role; he represents something else to me. What jumps to mind is someone's teammates vs. their coach. I don't want to keep going on about it anymore, and I feel I'm doing a poor job of explaining, so just leaving it at that...
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:55 PM
  #96
LT
When I get into someone (and I don't mean romantically) it is like their opinion of me means more than anyone. 'If they approve of me then everything is happy and if they don't I try desperately to get them to. It is a hard place to be and worth exploring. I did this with Ex T 1 and now new T and I (I say new it's been 2 years lol ) are getting into the why of it all. I think it is to do with parental transference.

One thing that also strikes me is how quickly you move to emailing T, at least it sounds like it. I am not being critical here, impulsively " checking" someone is on my side or checking my feelings is something I have worked on. My last issue with T for example, I didn't see her for nearly 2 weeks and by that time my feelings had settled and changed. Not everything has to be expressed immediately. Ex T 2 used to say feelings pass like the weather, so sometimes I write it down or ride it out until I can express myself clearly. Certainly I think current T understood my point a lot better when I could express it without being so over the top with emotions.

This all comes from a supportive place and no judgement because I feel like you and I are alike.
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 01:47 PM
  #97
I went in still a bit heavy hearted from the argument I had had with H about who should stay at home with our daughter (who was off school saying she had a stomach ache but turned out to be fine by about 10am). I wanted to express my frustration that H didn't see the value of therapy for me, and valued his work more, even though his hours are 100% flexible and his boss doesn't care when he's in as long as his job is done (and it turned out he could do a lot of it from home anyway). But I said the irony wasn't lost on me that I was there talking about feeling guilty for being there. He said yeah prob best not to spend 60 minutes on it.

I talked to him more about the notes from my first ever session with him. I said that reading that I had said my "portcullis" comes down had upset me because it had been T1's description of me, and I'm saddened that I took on his perception of me. T said he remembered it because he thought it had been a great metaphor.

I told him I was upset that he thought that. He asked what I was feeling. I said it reminded me of when T1 had written something else to me that I had found upsetting and when I showed it to T he said it was "a good piece of reflective writing". I said it made me think "go and ****ing work with him instead then". I felt jealous because I wanted him to say nice things about me, not T1.

T said he thought something then censored himself. I looked at him and he said "I thought 'he's not in your league'". Then proceeded to awkwardly qualify that he meant that in my favour even though it was obvious.

He said it is important to notice the jealousy. I said it's weird because when I meet other people he works with (I met one of his supervisees) I don't feel jealous at all, even though I might expect to. I feel proud of him. I said perhaps I also felt upset because the things T1 wrote and said hurt me, so I wanted him to dislike them.

We talked about a few things I'm doing professionally and it was nice.

We made eye contact and it felt unlike it has for ages. It felt intense and wonderful. I haven't felt that for ages. He asked me about it. I said it felt like he was transmitting love and I was receiving it and I could feel it coursing through me. Told him I wanted to know why now? Wby I could suddenly feel it. I said when we made eye contact I felt locked into it. I asked if he felt different to usual. He said he felt very relaxed with me today. He said this felt like a different way of being, though he wasn't consciously doing anything different. I told him that the "making sense of it" part wants to know why I feel this way and the "being in it" part wants to ask him to 'be' with me always.

I shifted out of it and he asked why. I said because there's 10 minutes left and I know I can't do this forever.

We talked about my feeling pride towards him and his achievements, almost to the point where I feel like I'm taking credit. He asked how that connects to our connection. I said our relationship is something that we both own and carry with us, so I feel like I have a part of him with me, and that's why it feels personal when someone says nice things about him or recommends his book etc.

He had happened upon some writing I had done and he said he felt pride and took enjoyment in that too. It felt like a really lovely conversation.

I realised time was up and I payed him and we stood up and hugged. It was SUCH a nice hug. He really squeezed me tight. I said "I love you" and as we separated he was smiling. As I was leaving I mentioned his new car. Weirdly it's the same type as a car I'm about to buy. He said he's hardly driven it yet. It has 9 miles on the clock. I said seeya and left.

Thinking about the hug and the eye contact makes me feel warm inside.
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 11:46 PM
  #98
I've felt generally uncomfortable at all my sessions this week, so I apologize if this is all jumbled.

I sat down and he opened by saying "Wherever you want to start" which is totally different than what he usually starts with. I started off with telling him that I broke down and cried last night after an argument with my H. We basically spent the whole session talking about how I view crying and how I view getting angry. I told him that I raised my voice at H during our argument which usually means you've really upset me or I'm frustrated that I'm not being heard. We talked about how I don't like the terms crybaby or people telling kids that they'll give them something to cry about. How I can understand why a kid or other person is upset and crying but I'm harsh on myself. He brought up how I shut down the feeling very fast in therapy and how I feel like I have this wall up. I don't want to be too vulnerable and get hurt. He said something about how I can't just shut out one emotion, that instead I'm shutting out things like joy and excitement as well.
I did tell him how I pulled up to my kid's school yesterday and his T came up to my car with a post it note for me. On it was our local PDs number for SA reporting and a website for it. I told T that I looked up the website and got triggered by it. He asked why do I think my son's T gave me that information and I said because she was sticking her nose where it didn't belong and has all the answers. We didn't spend too much talking about that because I quickly changed the subject.
At the end he asked if I had anymore thoughts on coming 4x a week. I said I'm not sure how it would work with my Hs schedule since someone needs to watch our youngest even if the others are at school. T said figuring out a time is step 2, step 1 is saying yes or no to coming more often. He said that if we can't find a time that's opened he can move things around or wait until something opens that would fit my schedule. I responded by saying that I'm doing step 2 first before step 1 because I don't want to say yes if it won't work out. I'm not even sure how to talk to H about it and I think my T will definitely get sick of me if I'm going 4 days a week.

When time was up T told me that he will be out of the office one day during February one week and then be gone a whole week that same month. He asked if I wanted him to text me the dates so I could plan ahead and then said he'd see me Friday.
Eta: Comments are okay.

Last edited by SheHulk07; Jan 24, 2019 at 12:40 AM..
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 05:10 AM
  #99
Hi Shehulk. It's very very hard for you and sending lots of positive vibes. I have a good friend in a DV situation and she is not ready to hear, which is ok, so one can only support.

Happy to do that but you said comments are ok so I'm chancing it. Your child's t gave you that info. Is that because your child is reporting it to her in their sessions? Do they see it? Are they upset about it? Is this a wider issue now?

But, that aside, your t is not going to get sick of you. He's willing to move things around. He wants to help. I get the not wanting something if it won't happen and child care is a bugger to resolve but it sounds like you do want it but are afraid?
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 07:08 AM
  #100
Saw T right as I came in go into his room. Was relieved to know that he'd be around, for some reason I'm always scared that he won't show up, even though that has never happened so far.

He got me after a few minutes. I grabbed the newest part of my journal and handed it to him. He looked through it, mentioned how he usually reads it in parts, commented on how it's a lot to read in one go (it was about 9 pages) and then asked his usual intro question.

I said that I'd been to my old high school on Tuesday. Met with a former teacher, spent some time walking around the building.
He asked me how it went, especially meeting my teacher, he wanted to know what we talked about. I said it was mostly just casual topics, like what I did in college, what my hobbies are now, stuff like that.
I said one thing that kind of bugged me was a comment he made almost at the end, on how I had been the one responsible for getting some bullies kicked out of school. I was bothered by that because that's not how I remember it, I remember repeatedly reporting them and nothing was done until a second child also filled a report.

But I didn't let my teacher know that I was bothered. Then I mentioned to T how something else had been irritating too, one of the bullies was allowed to stay in school and later on was in another class taught by that teacher. He told me how well-behaved that guy was after a few years and some other things along those lines. T asked why I was annoyed by that. I replied that for those guys, they got a slap on the wrist, were allowed to continue their lives and all they had to do was be more polite and everyone compliments them. Meanwhile the people who they bullied still have to deal with the trauma and will probably always have some sort of mistrust for other human beings.

Then I started to cry. T was quiet for a while. Then he asked what I tried to achieve with this behavior. I said safety. He said that it's doing the opposite, that it might drive people away from me and he elaborated on how he was feeling at the moment.

He said that he thinks my mind interferes too much during these times. That sometimes the mind is useful and good, like when doing scientific research. But sometimes it's better to ignore it. He mentioned that it might be time for me to change my strategy to get safety and asked whether I agreed. I nodded, but then I said I didn't know how to do it.

He answered that it's hard to explain, but that for now it's enough to just understand that it's maybe time to find a new strategy. Then he tried to get me to do mindfulness and instructed me to concentrate on my breathing.

It helped to calm me down some, but from time to time I still had crying fits. We didn't talk much, I think once or twice he asked me what I was thinking about and he checked in with me sometimes to see whether I still manage to focus on my breathing. At some point I started to cry more again and he said 'you have to try in order for it to work'. I got angry because I felt like I was trying, it felt invalidating.
Possible trigger:


Then he helped me some more by doing deep breathing with me. After time was up and I had gathered my stuff, he asked whether I could write about our session and bring those notes to my next session. I said okay, though I was (and still am) very confused about why he'd want to read that.

Comments are okay if anyone feels they have something to say.
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