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Old 09-05-2019, 10:22 PM   #531
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

Session was okay today. We talked about setting boundaries and that maybe I never learned them correctly since I was violated at such a young age.
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Old 09-06-2019, 05:56 AM   #532
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

I spent half half the session crying. I brought up the Jurrasic park movies saying that they never learnt- humans and dinosaurs didn't mix, because they couldn't be controlled. He asked who was the dinosaur in our relationship. I said that would be me and he should be afraid of me.

I said I didn't like the lovey-dovey thing that was going on between us, that I had no more anger left. That I couldn't even get angry about emails (He's been x10 much better with out of session contact and let me text him). That I liked it when we had ruptures.

He made the point that when I cried, like a baby I wanted him to know what was wrong without words.

He apologized for not being a better therapist. Said that he hoped one day I would see myself as he saw me.I was all good.The shame I brought and carried I had learnt from experience and not all of it was my own.

I said i would see him when I saw him. ((He's letting me not have fixed session slots and to contact him when I want to arrange an appointment. ))
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Old 09-06-2019, 11:13 AM   #533
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

Short background:

Possible trigger:



T commented on me not bringing my usual bag at first. I explained that I was staying at my parent's while they were gone, so I can leave my stuff there.
We first briefly talked about stuff with my partner as well as work.

At some point I commented on how I'd been quite hurt last week. We'd already had a phone call about it on Wednesday. He asked me to remind him of what he'd said (he already had remembered on Wednesday, it was clearly more just to test my memory). I told him he'd said how I'm actually doing quite well and still feel that way. He asked what he'd said about it on Wednesday. I replied that I shouldn't always take what he's saying that seriously. That this is not the only thing he thinks.

He agreed and told me he has a lot of trouble putting this into words sometimes (we've talked about this multiple times now). How there's a concept in things like mindfulness where you say that people attach far too much meaning to words. That he might have commented that in that moment, but that he's still aware that I often struggle and am not having a good time, and how both of these concepts can coexist, just because he says one thing doesn't mean he forgets about the other things.

At some point I told him how the most painful part of last session had been when he'd said 'you're never looking at me, so you're alone'. That really hurt, especially since I'd rather recently started to just calm myself by thinking I'm not alone since I can always calm myself by thinking of him. He told me he'd completely forgot he'd said that but that this was obviously something that might be distressing to me. He told me that it's just a thing that's said in the moment, it doesn't mean that this is always true. He told me that oftentimes he's really happy when I manage to look at him, and commented how I often do that now towards the end of our sessions. He said that at that specific moment he felt me kind of distancing myself from him, but that's not always the case.

More towards the beginning he also told me that it's sometimes his job to provoke me a bit, but that he of course doesn't want me to leave being upset by that. And that he often knows what thing he said the previous session might be upsetting, that he sometimes even thinks about instances of our sessions that might have been upsetting, that it doesn't just end when I walk out the door.

We wrapped up at some point, he asked what I'd still have planned for my time off and we talked about a recent article that I might be interested to read.
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Old 09-09-2019, 03:13 PM   #534
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

T cancelled my appointment today because she was sick. Iím waiting for her to call to reschedule. Honestly I was wondering before she called if I was starting to get sick myself.
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Old 09-10-2019, 08:08 PM   #535
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

Today was not a good appt. I knew what I wanted to talk about, but when I got there, I lose all my determination. I made some small talk, which was not common cause Kumy hates small talk. Then, the dreaded question "what do you want to talk about?" and, of course, I froze and told T "I don't know". Brilliant, I know. And after his "well, you can tell me about how you felt this week", which was actually what I wanted to talk about, I ended up talking about other things, important ones, yeah, but not the ones that I wanted to talk about.
Anyway, we talked and I admitted how difficult it is for me to confort other people or to hug them or to be around people who is vocal about their feelings. I asked T specifically how to confort somebody and he shoot the question back at me. I told him that running away was the best option, but that it didn't serve that purpose. I told him that telling her to calm down didn't work. I told him that hugging probably would help in that context. He told me "see, you're not so lost. You know what to do". Well, yeah, I never said I didn't know, I just said that it was difficult and that hugging is really uncorfortable for me.
Somehow, we ended up talking about my feelings and the reasons why I choose not to disclose them. We talked about vulnerability. I told T that I prefer not to show my feelings cause I don't want to take the risk of being hurt. T asked me if I have been hurt before. He was not amused by my "we all have been hurt". From there on, it all went downhill. I actually told him that my father hurt me and that it was not on purpose. But I couldn't talk anymore. I hate this. I don't know how you all open up to Ts. I wish I were as confident and brave as you.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:31 AM   #536
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

Pdoc appointment last night. Heís leaving the practice at the end of the year. He will be going to a different city and cash only. Plus the counseling center I go to for the pdoc and my T is up for sale and might close too. I may be out of a T and a pdoc as of 12/31/19. Iím super sad and upset. Pdoc couldnít do that much for me medicine wise. Iím on the highest doses of my meds. So we are going to augment with alternative meds. He had me go to Costco and get some SAM-E and he is ordering me some vitamin B something. He gave me a book to read and a forty page paper to read. Apparently thereís some people who have a gene or gene variant that make anti depressants not work right and he thinks I have that. I love my pdoc and I told him he is breaking my heart.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:55 AM   #537
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

SK, you can actually get tested for those genes, if you want. My old psychiatrist was going to do it, then I had to leave, then my new psychiatrist wanted to do it, but I wasn't sure if insurance would cover it.

I would again suggest looking into telepsychiatry if you can't find another psychiatrist. And maybe it would be best to try to find another right away since it sounds like he was useless when it came to med changes.
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Old 09-11-2019, 03:02 PM   #538
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

I met new t. She seems useless. She wants me to buy a workbook which is fine. We talked about my anxiety. She has strict feelings of what requires medication and what requires hospitalization. I'm worried to be honest with her.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:14 PM   #539
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

A snippet:

Me: Thanks for listening to me complain about my problems.
T: Processing, you were processing.
Me: I was totally complaining. I was going to say whining, so weíre already meeting in the middle here.
T: Iíd say processing. Now (referencing a previous conversation mid-session, a bit of a light break) you were definitely whining about the trash can.
Me: Remarking. I was complaining about my problems, but I was remarking about the trash can.
Then we both laughed and I paid and went away.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:45 PM   #540
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part VI

I had therapy today. We did some art. She had me draw my feelings for like 10 minutes and then we talked about what I drew. I didnt expect it to like- help. I thought it was a little silly but I did it anyways.

I drew a curve where it peaks at the center and then peters out in other directions. And then I drew a giant black line starting at the top and falling downwards towards the bottom. And some other thinngs. When we talked about them it was actually not horrible. She made some good points. And then we talked a little more about my history... and my medication non-compliance.

I want to work on that. I want to be ok. In time I really hope that I can be.
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