In Session Today: Part VI

LT, I don't share about the frequency of my outside contact with my T with anybody, not even my spouse, because I think other people would feel that it's excessive and say judgmental things. Actually, I feel ashamed because I think it's excessive most of the time. But my T is totally fine with it (or so she says!). She said that part of my "work" is learning to reach out and to trust that I can rely on people and also to believe that I'm worth asking for these things. So this back-and-forth battle with myself is actually therapy work, and I think she's pleased when I do reach out because it means the healthier side is winning. I have slowly become much more comfortable being vulnerable and asking for support from other people, so I guess she knows what she's talking about.

She also gently asks me sometimes what I feel from her when I contact her. Does she seem angry or annoyed? When she says she wants to be there for me, does she seem to mean it? I find that helpful, to examine what's actually happening between us, rather than what I fear is happening or will happen.

So I can totally relate to feeling sensitive about the emails. I don't think rugged self-reliance is always the best strategy if there are great costs there. Sometimes I use not reaching out as a way to punish myself for having needs, and that's not so good either.

Anyway, I selfishly hope you keep posting, but that's just because I like your posts and all the In Session posts. I hope for your sake you do whatever feels best to you.

Hi stopdog. I know you weren't asking me, but I thought I'd answer from my perspective. For me, what I get out of posting IST is a way to organize my thoughts around what I experienced in therapy. It's a way to record it, have a memory of it, and to sort out what was the important stuff in therapy minus the fluff. Yeah, I could do that in a journal, but I don't entirely trust my parents not to read it, so it is actually more anonymous for me to post it here. So why else do I post it here? While I haven't really gotten responses on mine, what I think I would like is if someone had a similar experience that they could share, or if someone thinks, hey that sounds messed up that shouldn't happen in T, it would give me a "Red flag". I think T is more understood here than with my friends so when my friends ask me about therapy I can tell them but they don't really get it. There's "something" about sharing it here on a forum for therapy with other people who have been there, done that, doing that, on that same journey that makes me feel not alone in the therapy journey. Otherwise it's a very lonely spot. My friends and my family just don't get it. Here, I have the opportunity for someone else to get it, to understand, to encourage me, to support me, to question if something seems weird. Etc. Good questions stopdog. Thanks for asking. Kit

How about we stop having these cyclical discussions about why LT posts, whether she should, whether she shouldn't and on and on? It's boring and makes the threads heavily weighted towards one poster and their therapy which is unbalanced and potentially unfair to others who posts. LT posts what she does and will stop if she doesn't want to post any more. Jeez, Groundhog Day hits PCploppsy.

But this thread is heavily slanted.

I used to post very detailed descriptions of my sessions. Maybe there was some of that wanting to be a "good student" thing - vanity. I'm not sure. I know part of it was wanting to have people that knew enough of what was going on that when I did have a question or needed support, I didn't have to feel like I had to go into this very long winded explanation of the situation (something that is common for me).

At times, it helped me feel like I had more of a community. I don't always know what to talk about or how to respond like say on the couch thread. The IST thread is something I could do, I know what is expected of me in this thread. I felt like it gave people that could not share so publicly a way to find someone that might be struggling with similar things and then we would talk through PM about some topic.

I stopped posting here for a few reasons-
1. the knowledge that this site is used in ways that technically violate the terms of agreement of the site and it is only luck if all of those violations get caught - while I have less of a problem sharing my experience with others that might be going throw the same thing, I have no fortitude to find out that I am being made fun of or being used as an example for something negative, especially since those things are often taken out of context.

2. not feeling safe here anymore, this place can at times be very welcoming and at other times be very condemning. I have maternal transference that while it has become less intense, it is still there. My therapy is not conventional, it is not completely unheard of either. I direct my therapy so this is what I want from it - my T has not pushed me in any direction other than to accept and support me as I move through it. She does have some boundaries - there are some No's. And no matter how detailed I wrote them, I felt many people did not fully understand the different layers of my therapy.

3. I started struggling with even writing them. After moving to 3x a week, there was a long stretch that they felt like too much work, too hard to do. Then they started blurring all together. If I didn't get to the right away, I struggled with remembering what happened on which day. Writing them takes a lot of time (for me) so sometimes, I just don't have that time to dedicate to it. Some might say I am going through the process that is described where things outside therapy become more important. I think for me really, things outside therapy is demanding that they be more important.

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

I don't actually post in this thread much because I don't have time to write it all out and also I like to keep stuff private. But sometimes I think it would be nice to share what happened in session with someone other than T, like if it was a good session or I felt like I learned something, or if it was a bad session or I felt confused by something... I don't have people IRL I can talk about therapy with, I don't know anyone else who's done longterm therapy, just grief counseling and addiction counseling. So I enjoy reading about other people's sessions and I can see why it would be useful to write them out.

I never reported my therapy sessions here but when I was in therapy, frequently sent long, elaborate analyses to the Ts, a lot of them a few hours after the sessions or the next day. Back then, I mostly thought it was my way of processing things for myself plus a desire to be seen and understood more completely. I think these were certainly part of it, but the biggest part (that I only admitted to myself later) was that I used the long emails as a form of avoidance. I had important things to do (often writing) that I procrastinated and wrote the emails instead. There was also an element of wanting to impress, but the procrastination/avoidance/distraction from real life real important things was by far the top one reason. I did that with many other people as well, not just Ts, even used a forum in that way very much and to some extent this one as well. Don't know if anyone relates to this, just thought to share as one version.

I relate to this part. I was avoiding a lot of my life while with ex t 1. I was deeply grieving and as well going through a huge life change. It is like that is where my brain went to be safe. I found so much satisfaction in ending that connection and reinvolving myself with my actual life and the people in it. That's just me though.

No real time to reply at moment, but will say something later. In the meantime, to take things out of IST: LT's Thread

Me as well. It was not easy to stop that habit and I did not manage all at once, there were many "relapses"... but the greatest relief when I finally felt free from that compulsion! Very similar to the feelings of freedom and open possibilities for doing healthy things when I finally felt reasonably free of the frequent and intense cravings for my drug of choice (the most disturbing thing ever) after some time of sustained sobriety. So much new-found time and mental energy!

I forgot to add a part about my session yesterday. so I went by my GPS to find this place and it brought me to a urgent care building, that seemed odd to me but I went in, turns out, it was just an UC, and that was an old address. I had to browse a bit and find the current address, which was another 10 min in the other direction. I showed up with 1 minute to spare. At least Monday person, the secretary explained over the phone where they are and it's local to me so I know exactly how to get there.

You were lucky you got there in time. I have got lost and been an hour late before.

Just want to pipe in and say that selfishly, I so much hope that you continue to post. But of course, really I just hope you do whatever is the best for you.

It was bad. I text him afterwards and told him I don't think I can come back ever again.

Oof that sounds rough. I hope it can be repaired if you want it to be.

Rupture / repair! Buy the t-shirt in the Couch Therapy Shop.

Take care.

i'm sorry. i hope you can go back.

Hugs, Echos. Lots of them.