In Session Today: Part VI

I was most struck by the fact I had thought "I melt" but I hadn't said it. It was a wonderful moment of attunement.

Today, halfway through, I shutdown so badly I barely remember what happened, I tried several times to come back to it but I couldn't. I don't know why as we were not even discussing anything that much, Ex T 1 (but we talked about that last week) and then we talked about the break (it is only 1 week and that is fine with me) somewhere in there I just couldn't come back. I kept floating in and out and sometimes I was surprised to even see where I was.

We talked about a yoga class I was going to take and she asked whether it was my idea, which it was and I am really looking forward to it.

I went for a walk right afterwards and at one point realised I had no clue where I was.

It was really bad. Now I am exhausted.

Saw T yesterday and today. At one point I just got extremely anxious and really had a hard time grounding myself. T is psychodynamic, so of course, we sat in deafening silence for quite a while. I was internally screaming as if I was hanging off a cliff by one hand, but I couldn't speak. I also realized afterwards I had kind of turned away from her and my hair was shielding my face. I'm not sure what that was about. Anyway, she asked if I didn't want to be there today and if we should end early, which jolted me into speech. I managed to mumble that I was feeling really anxious and asked her if she could talk for a minute. She said, "About anything?" I nodded, and she said something along the lines of that being a difficult request. I didn't really agree and it made me feel pretty needy and pathetic. But I think she just doesn't practice that way.

Still, I felt like I must be annoying her and she wanted me to leave. I felt worthless and like the fact that I was suffering so much (I am in a bad patch, maybe due to a med change) was completely insignificant. My anxiety also rose even more because it was like she couldn't see that I was hanging off a cliff and I was watching my only chance at help walking away from me. That's one thing about T that I kind of struggle with. Intellectually I realize it's not personal but simply that T doesn't work in a way that includes hand-holding or providing superficial comfort. I don't think she thinks seeing her when she can't do anything that would really change how bad I feel has a point.

I think I'm also still a little hurt that I texted her last week that I quit my job, which she knows must have really upset me because I very rarely text her (and she doesn't do email), and she responded "We will talk about it tomorrow." I wasn't looking to discuss and process over text, but it would have been nice if she'd shown some sympathy or concern or SOMETHING because I honestly felt very close to being a danger to myself and could have used something to cling to until I saw her. So I think I'm still feeling a bit hurt about that. I don't see the point in talking to her about it because her response was basically smacking me in the face with a boundary. I felt like a needy asshole and like I had been really inappropriate, and I don't need her to spell out for me that she's not going to be a crutch for me between sessions unless something extremely bad happens (like when my dog died). I don't need more shame in my life, and that sort of discussion would bury me in shame.

Anyway, she did end up being helpful in pulling me out of my panic. She chose to ask me questions about a light topic instead of just talking. After a little while, we were nearing the end of session. She asked me if I wanted to hurt myself. I always find that question embarrassing, but it was kind of a relief that she asked. Otherwise, I'd have thought she thought I was fine and I 100% wasn't. I told her I wasn't suicidal. She countered by asking me if I was self harming. That was even more embarrassing, and the ridiculous part was that I hadn't even done so. Maybe it just reminded me how I had a pretty bad episode of SH maybe a month ago and she found out (I wasn't the one who told her; it's complicated). I told her I hadn't but was honest that I wanted to, because I had pretty much made up my mind to do so later that day, and just saying no would have felt very close to a lie. I never tell her when I do it, and when she asks if I've done it and I have to say yes, I feel like a naughty child. But.I felt like a very naughty, bad child indeed when she found out about the episode last month and I didn't know until she confronted me about it.

I usually go 2x/week, but she asked me if I would like to come back again before Friday. That made me feel better about my fear that she was annoyed by me. I probably should have said no as I can't afford it, but I nodded. I appreciated that she asked as it hadn't occurred to me to ask, and I wouldn't have done so even if it had.

This is super long, so I'll post today's session separately.

TW talk about self harm

My session with T today was much better than yesterday. Looking back, I kind of wonder if she planned on being more verbal due to how the previous session had gone. Whether she planned it or not, I found her increased interactiveness helpful. There were only two times where the silence threatened. One time I broke it, and the other time, I think she realized I was starting to really dissociate (I don't even remember why), so she broke it which was successful in pulling me back to just mild dissociation where I can still interact but just feel dead inside. I guess it's like my emotions are dissociated and my thoughts are a bit slow, whereas when it gets severe, it's more like my entire consciousness gets dissociated.

Anyway, she asked how I was feeling. I gave a dumb ******** response like "fine" which was obviously false since she at some point said she hadn't seen me this depressed in a long time. I think she was forgetting about how she was talking about me maybe needing to go inpatient just last month. I didn't remind her. We talked briefly about how this worsened depression is probably related to discontinuing my old antidepressant. I think she would probably like me to see my psychiatrist because I'm feeling so bad. She's asked like 5 times in the past 3 sessions if I think it would be a good idea. I told her why I don't see the point and feel like I might as well wait for my appointment that's scheduled for the end of the month. She's not one to insist, which I appreciate. I think it's probably just difficult because she can't really do much assuming it's a medication withdrawal issue. I do feel like she understood my reasoning for waiting, but I won't be shocked if she asks/suggests I see Dr. B earlier again.

On a related note, she asked me if I thought it might be necessary or better to do this med change in the hospital so I would have more support. I pointed out that I don't know how long I can expect to feel the effects of the withdrawal. In retrospect, my complex around being needy is triggered thinking about the hospital suggestion. I very rarely text her and she doesn't do email. After her response to my last text, I don't foresee circumstances where I will text her again. She asserted an implicit boundary in her response even though I don't burden her with out of session contact with any regularity, so I have to conclude that she doesn't want me to contact her unless I'm an imminent risk to myself. She actually never told me I could text her, so it's my fault for doing that. She didn't even give me her cell phone number directly; I got it because she texted me one weekend last year for a check-in. I think not giving me the number may have been an oversight, though, since when she had gone on vacation before I had the number, she said she would be checking her voicemail. I have since learned that she doesn't have access to her office voicemail remotely, so she must have meant her cell phone. But I don't know what the boundaries are and I don't want to talk about them, either. Talk about boundaries automatically makes me feel rejected even when I haven't transgressed in any way. I guess I feel like adults shouldn't need boundaries with professionals spelled out for them, and I'm terrified of doing anything that makes her think I need to be instructed on this topic. She has mentioned or insinuated that maybe I have trouble with boundaries, but it has always been in the context of me getting taken advantage of, not the other way around. I would be horrified if she felt she needed to have The Talk with me. For all I know, I'm a nightmare client and the only one who has texted her. I might be on the verge of The Talk. I don't want to think about that.

Now I actually feel like a bit of a bother for subjecting her to my sad sack self and making her support me in outpatient even though she's said repeatedly that "maybe" I need inpatient or residential with specialists. I mean, she's in a bit of a spot because there's no one in our city with experience in my diagnosis that she can refer me to. And she can't just abandon me because she thinks I need a higher level of care as that would be unethical so long as I'm not in imminent danger of offing myself. I also wasn't upfront about my diagnosis when I started seeing her. I deluded myself into thinking I could keep it under wraps somehow. She confronted me about what was going on eventually, but it was too late at that point to ditch me. I basically manipulated her into treating me and I feel really ashamed about that.

I seem to have gone off on a tangent there. Back to my session. She confirmed again that I wasn't self harming. I was relieved I hadn't gone home after our previous session when she asked me and done so. We talked about how I managed to cope with the urge.

She wanted to know if I think I deserve to be hurt, and if this is about blaming myself for things that have happened to me. I tried to explain that self harm doesn't feel like I'm doing a bad thing to myself. It feels like I'm taking care of myself and doing something nice. She asked where I thought that idea came from - that it was doing something nice. I alluded to how I had been abused by people in caregiving roles, and theorized that it had confused things for me. That hurting myself can feel like being taken care of to me. I didn't say this at the time because the words didn't come to me, but self harm feels like a loving act to me. Feels like I'm being kind and compassionate to myself, whereas when I don't do it even when I want to, I feel like I'm depriving myself of comfort. I intellectually know that's pretty ****ed up, although I did tell her I sometimes struggle to identify SH as a completely bad thing. She said I need to deny myself that sort of comfort. She gave an example of another negative coping mechanism - binge eating - and how that can be comforting to a person, but that it's ultimately harmful. I guess her point was that just because something is comforting doesn't mean that it's ok. I was a little bit resistant I think. I pointed out that my self harm only harms me superficially, unlike binge eating or something like alcoholism. I said this with the full awareness that I sounded delusional about this problem, but it's also true. However, I've never mentioned to her how one time self harm led me to having to have surgery under general anesthesia... so I kind of feel like a liar claiming I only cause superficial harm. But that only happened once and I don't want to alarm her into thinking this problem is so bad that I might cause a real and serious injury to myself, because that's not the case.

I brought up the fact that I hadn't self harmed in years before I moved to my current city. We discussed how badly I had decompensated after moving, and I admitted how it makes me feel like crap that I still haven't recovered. She tried to change my perspective by listing all the changes I've had to deal with since moving, including getting a new T and pdoc. I tried to see it that way, and it did help to know that she doesn't think it's ridiculous that I have had such trouble. Then I said that lots of people have bad things happen and they don't have the problem I do. She asked if I meant having the mental health issue that I have. I'm always scared when we're on this topic that she's going to say the actual name of the diagnosis, but she seems to be aware it's hard for me when she does that. I can't even seem to type it out today in this post. But it's basically the extreme end of the dissociative spectrum. Yuck.

I said I feel like a weak person. She said she wished there was something she could say that could help me not feel so bad about myself for having this problem. That was nice, but then she made some comment about how I have to convince myself and we all only have ourselves. So that wasn't as helpful because of course I know that and don't need a reminder that I have to figure out a way to fix myself. Makes me feel so hopeless and alone. She responded to my comment about other people having bad things happen and not responding in this way. She said she doesn't think it's helpful to compare. I thought, yeah, maybe it's not helpful, but it's true. Then she said that yes, maybe some people have bad things happen and react in a way that is less disruptive for them. But that there are also many people who do wind up with a lot of problems. I guess she would know since she has a lot of experience with people who have experienced child sexual abuse. I still feel pretty freakish, though.

It was a pretty good session, although I think my writeup sounds a rather negative due to my current depression. I seem to have written a lot about things she did that caused me distress. This is a reflection of how badly I'm doing because I'm usually not quite so paranoid, insecure, and hypervigilant.

I see her again on Friday. I am apprehensive that she's going to ask again if I have been self harming. I wish there was some way to distract her when she asks that question. I want to do it really bad, but I don't want her to be displeased or think I'm being willful.

Full on session today. R and I began by talking about my visit to the doctor, after she remembered what we discussed. ‘You sort of planned the next session.’ I told her that the medication won’t be a long term thing, and only to help with something that may become a regular part of work.

‘To me, a contract is a contract. I am contracted for nine sessions, and there is no possibility of making one up elsewhere.’



I went on to say that I wasn’t sure whether it would have been better to have it sprung on me…’Probably not’, or to have avoided having four months to worry about it. R said that she had been doing some reading around fear, and there are two questions which can help. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ and ‘Can I survive that?’

R helped me disarm the Critic after I explained that I didn’t feel I could back out, regardless of what anybody else might think ‘because I would have to duke that out with the Critic. It would never let me live that down.’
‘The Critic seems to control a lot of your responses.’
‘The Critic is terrified of me actually feeling things.’ R and I talked some more about what the doctor has given me, and I told her about the meeting I have requested. She said that was a little out of character for me, and suggested that I could reframe it if I was struggling by calling it an opportunity to help them help me, which is more in line with me. She said that she wanted to say: ‘Go on, Lost!’

I showed her the new poem, and she asked me to help her understand it. ‘I get the sense from this that it isn’t just that one thing. You feel this all the time?’ I didn’t know how to respond to that.
‘What you said about liking the person you are at work stayed with me. I would urge you to hang on to that.’
I talked about what isn’t present at work – a smouldering sense of frustration with the situation and what they did. When I am at work, I can keep that in check. ‘It’s the difference between surviving and being.’
I began to speak more loudly and forcefully as I recounted the experience of what they put me through. ‘Most people would feel more comfortable using the words that don’t feel right on my tongue.’
‘Is that something you feel you need?’

I said I needed to release the anger, but didn’t know how. R said that she is absolutely OK with that, and supports me in looking at ways beyond words.
‘It’s strange to me as somebody who’s spent their whole life learning to use words in the best possible way.’
‘You’ve said before that you didn’t want to taint them.’
I thanked R for recalling the garden centre experience, and apologised for offending her. She said that far from being offended she took it as a compliment.
Before she left, she asked me to remember the two questions that she had alluded to in the beginning. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ and ‘Can I survive it?’

I am also to think about ways of expressing anger in the meantime.

It was 60 degrees today but t commented by the way I was dressed I looked prepared for the next snowstorm. I said but you can't judge me and she said she would never.

I told t I have developed a new habit of chewing on tape so she suggested I get some chewing gum or find something made for oral stimming (sensory relief).

T e-mailed me a list of LGBT resources when I was with her because she forgot to last week and we feel I could benefit from an LGBT group.

I told t that my endocrinologist upped my medication and I think it may be affecting my psych meds because I don't feel right. I told her I see pdoc next week so I will ask her about it.

We also talked about some trauma stuff, I shared a memory and we did a CBT thing about how I reacted to a trigger that came up during the week.

T appointment yesterday: I went and paid and made the next appointment. It's not until April 15th so that's quite a while. She did have a Saturday appointment on the 13th but I prefer to not do Saturdays as it sort of ruins my plans for the day. I sat in the waiting room a bit. She was running a little behind. She came and got me and we walked back to her office, down the hallway. She walked behind me which always makes me feel weird, but there's not much I can do about it. She asked me about the requirements for CPA's but it has been a little while since I have looked them up (I am not a CPA). She asked me if I had cut. I told her that I had given up SH for Lent. Initially she seemed pleased by that. She almost immediately asked what was next? Could I commit to more time without SH? I was taken aback by this. I expected her to be supportive. She said it sounded like I was just going to SH on Easter Day. I said I wouldn't do it on Easter Day (however, I said nothing about the Monday afterward).


She said I needed to think about committing to a week at a time after Easter came. She said I needed to replace SH with something (but what can that something be?). Again we talked about the innate feelings of bad. She said if I want to believe a lie then that is up to me. She seemed more confrontational that usual. I didn't like it. I don't mind being gently prodded but I don't like being pushed. She said that if I wanted to go on not forgiving myself for everyday ordinary transgressions than that was up to me. But that I was getting a double whammy because life has a way of sorting you out if you do something bad.


I sort of started dissociating. I didn't want to be there. I remembered we talked about some feelings of paranoia that I had been having. She seemed to brush them off like they were no big deal when they have been causing me significant distress. I remembered she called me sweetie, which made me feel momentarily good. She probably just couldn't remember my name, in hindsight. The whole appointment felt "off" and I couldn't figure out how to get it on track. I told her I would see her in approx. 4 weeks. She said she would be sending good thoughts my way.


If I remember more, I will either add it or submit a second post.

Comments are okay.
HUGS Kit

I understand that it can be painful to have an off session and that dissociating is never fun. I can also see how what your T said could feel like pressure or pushing.

At a basic level, the way I hear it, she seems to be just telling it to your straight, saying what she thinks. I don't hear manipulation or coercion, just someone saying something to someone who sees it differently. Her words offer a contrast to how you see it, and you don't have to change your mind, but I have welcomed being able to consider something in a different light, even when I ultimately reject it.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Thanks Anne. You're right. I didn't feel manipulated or coerced, just pushed. She and I definitely see things differently on this subject. I've come around to about a midway point with some things, so I've taken some of what she said and integrated it. I did expect to feel more support than I felt, and that expectation being unfulfilled was disappointing. However, I think she is acting from a space of caring and of wanting to see me live a life free from SH. To me, right now because I don't have something else in place, I'm not doing it by sheer will power and the grace of God. I can't see myself being able to do that infinitely. But I can consider what she is saying and see if there is some space for me to accept it, or part of it, to move toward healing and change. HUGS Kit

Was a very, very deep session. Not sure I can write about it but don't want to forget it either. I do love that man.

that's awesome!

Today's session, in which I discussed playing Jenga with my therapist...



Today’s session provided much needed breathing space. R arrived and immediately asked whether I would like a hug.



We sat down and I thanked her again for her email.



‘You are more than welcome. It’s been a tough week?’



I gathered myself and explained that my mum had gone back to work today, after doing her back whilst on a First Aid course. ‘Fear and pain on top of pre-existing pain and fear.’



‘Yes. If you are going to do it, what better place. Is this a recurring issue?’



I gave a little background, and then mentioned that I had made it into work on Saturday.



‘Good. You sound quite proud that you went.’



‘It was almost like an out of body experience. Somebody from the care company came and dropped me off, but I don’t usually have to navigate. There was a wrong turn involved, and it happened to be 20 second video interview day.’



R asked what the purpose of the video interview was. I explained that we had to talk about our experiences at work, and the aims of the project. She said that twenty seconds didn’t seem very long.



‘I don’t really know what happened. I’ve purposefully asked not to see the footage, because I know that if I do, I will want to reshoot it.’

R commented that my remark about navigating gave her a really good insight into the impact of recent events. ‘Is it about the emotional impact or Mum not being able to help as much as she usually does?’



‘All of the above.’



I remarked that the problem with the phrase ‘It will be OK’ is that it doesn’t leave room for the present moment not being OK.

‘What will be OK? Mum’s back, the situation…it’s almost like a shutdown.’



‘Yes.’



R and I talked some more about my experience at work, when one of the young people wrote a piece on parental illness in response to one of our exercises. I explained that I wanted to leave the room, but as a member of staff I could not.

She asked what I would have done if I hadn’t been staff, and I acknowledged that I probably would have left the room, but under ordinary circumstances it would have been easier to handle.

Then I updated her on the FLT situation.



‘I was going to ask, but thought I would let you bring it up in your own time.’



‘We told the young people about it, and got mixed reactions. One person is already involved in a drama group there, and another young person wasn’t comfortable with performing there. I cut in and reassured that it would just be a normal session, at which point my boss said that was what we needed to talk about.’

The young people left and we had our meeting. One of my colleagues immediately said they didn’t feel comfortable putting me in that situation unless I wanted to.

I told her that I had asked my colleagues afterwards why doing the right thing sometimes feels like doing the wrong thing. R asked what I meant, and I explained that I feel like I should go. R suggested that we reframe it, and said that by not going, I am opening up an opportunity for my colleagues to give a really good workshop. ‘I am not saying that you aren’t an integral part of the team, but if they are constantly wondering whether you are OK…’



‘I like who I am when I am at work, and being at the FLT takes away up to 70 or 80% of that capacity.’

I said that I could still provide an exercise, but there is no sense in putting myself at risk.



‘And that’s where I am with that.’



I paused and R said that she thought I had dealt with it really bravely.

I continued to say that I felt like I was playing Jenga.



‘I have only played once, but…’



R said that with Mum’s back, she sensed my tower is really wobbling. 'In addition to the pressure you're under trying to deal with everything else.' I explained that the first time I played with a friend, I was almost holding the tower up. R seemed to find the analogy really useful, and asked me what happens when the tower falls.

‘What is your reaction? I immediately want to go “Oh, no!”’



I paused to show her a new poem in which I said I flinched at loud noises, even if I am the one making them. She commented on how I had encapsulated everything we had talked about in the session so far.

‘I can hide behind poetry for the rest of my life.’



R asked me whether I felt as though I was hiding. I said that there was a sense in which trying to find the perfect word for a feeling overtook actually feeling it.

Returning to the Jenga analogy, R said that she could well imagine me trying to hold it up ‘But if the tower falls, and you want to continue the game, what needs to happen?’

‘You need to rebuild the tower.’



‘And when it is rebuilt, it is stronger.’



R then asked whether I wanted to play Jenga with her. ‘I’ve never thought about it before, but with the strength of the metaphor you’ve given us, if it wouldn’t make you feel too unsafe…’



‘Stanger things have happened.’



I asked whether we could sit on the idea, and she told me to let her know.

I talked about how my anxiety over the last week had been coming out as irritability.



‘Things that wouldn’t normally annoy you have?’



‘Yes, and on top of everything else. It’s like we were saying last week. I don’t need anything else in that cupboard, and when things happen, it’s like people taking blocks.’ At some point it dawned on me that the tower needs to fall to continue the game.

‘When a wound or something happens, you don’t just leave it. You clean it out.’



‘Then it heals well.’



‘But the cleaning hurts.’



R asked whether I was OK to leave it there, and apologised that we were somewhere deep towards the end.



‘Are you OK, Lost?’



‘I…’



‘Not a trick question.’



‘I am going to take this to my journal.’



We scheduled for the 26th, and R warned me that she will be away the week of the 15th.

I started off by telling him a bit about my week, I had sprained my ankle and my partner had been diagnosed with Asperger's. T commented that he'd been thinking something like that, which surprised me a bit, I always felt that I share almost nothing about my boyfriend.

Mentioned that it's difficult to decide on what to discuss because during the week there's so many things, but they all disappear so quickly again and don't seem relevant anymore by the time I'm there.

T asked about our session last week, what I remember about it. It wasn't much, I had looked at him once and remembered being happy about that. Then I realized I'd been angry with T during that session. I told him that it'd been gone by the time I left.

He said how I always used to deny ever feeling angry, so he felt it was a rather important session. He told me that he probably provoked me a bit back then. I said usually I'd wait to tell him if I'm angry until the week after. It's a very difficult feeling to have, it's far too strong and hard to control. He said how I probably show a lot through my body language but that's hard to read.

At some point I mentioned that it's difficult to show when you're angry because when you're sad or scared, people feel for you and try to help. But when you're angry, they judge you for it, tell you to stop or get angry back. He replied with something that sounded like he'd never realized that.

We talked a bit about my childhood, how I'd often been very aggressive back then, but at some point during high school completely switched and didn't show any anger ever anymore.

Then, T wanted to talk about my partner. I made a joke about how our diagnosis are a good fit for each other. T said that maybe we are both unconsciously searching for the emotional part we struggle with in the other. We talked a bit more about that.

I decided that I wanted to go back to anger stuff, we talked about my parents and how they used to fight and how especially my mom reacted when I was angry. I told him that I often want to destroy things when I'm mad which actually was really difficult last week. It takes a lot of control not to hit the chair or kick the wall. T said how it's good to feel small doses of anger with him.

We got quiet. T asked what I'm thinking about. I said I'd been missing him, had been reading a lot of my old notes on sessions and such. He told me that he's here now and that we can concentrate on being together now. He suggested I could look at him, but at first I was too scared. I managed later on for a couple of times, but told him that it's also just nice to hear his voice.

He asked about my job, I've been working there for almost two months now. I mentioned having a bit of trouble with one of my office mates. That guy's mom has just been diagnosed with dementia and shares some of his issues with that with me and the other guy who's in my office. That's difficult for me due to me right away feeling bad for the guy, worry about getting dementia myself, worry about everyone else in my life getting it... T said how I absorb other people's feelings too quickly.

We talked a bit more about the people there, how I like it. I told him that I like most of the people, but one guy annoys me, since he didn't greet me one time. T suggested that the next time I say 'hi' and he doesn't reply, I should go after him, wave in his face and go 'hiiii'. I tried to convince him that this is a horrible idea and anyone normal would either be upset or weirded out if I did that, but T didn't seem to think so.

Then we wrapped up, T gave me a new prescription for my meds, shortly asked about side effects, then told me to call him if something came up before next session.

I think there are big differences in how people react to anger when it's coming from a girl/woman vs. when it's coming from a boy/man. I've been trying to learn to see anger as a source of power but it's hard to unlearn all the stuff about being angry=being out of control or irrational or bad.

From yesterday:

I cried bucket loads and can't actually remember much now .

We talked about the dream and why I emailed it instead of saying it- to create distance. Whilst the doctor one was about being in control, the other helpless.

He said that maybe what happened with my cousin wasn't a one off event, that maybe it started younger. but we wouldn't be able to tell. Did I feel responsible for it?

What did I think that he thought of me?

That he could see me as a three year old. He got the little prince book I gave him from his bookshelf and said not every book made it there only special ones. He opened the book and we talked about the first picture with the hat which could be seen differently.

T was totally wonderful. We talked for a minute about his old truck so I could take my shoes off, he stood by me at the emotions even though I got too scared to ask him to so I was able to tell him I was mad. We looked at old family photos and he sat beside me and he lovingly flipped through my great aunts hand written cookbook. We got to be two humans together rather than Dr and client. We did some work too... talked about my mom until he rather bluntly exclaimed that I had mother issues, then looked sheepishly at me... I laughed and asked him what ever would give him that impression. He smiled knowing he didn’t offend me. He acknowledged and validated my impatience at how slow things are going and my desire to have longer or more frequent sessions in a way that allowed the conversation to stay open to options. He was just awesome... after scaring the daylights out of me by running 20 minutes late.

Today’s session felt fast paced. I was only half aware of what I was doing. R came in and sat down.
‘How are you doing?’
‘My shoulders have been up around my ears since 11.00 on Friday morning.’
‘Oh?’
‘I don’t think I understood “we won’t have a workshop in April” so when I received a message from one of my colleagues saying the next workshop would be at the Minack, and then had to make it official that I would not be attending … I had just arrived at pottery class and explained to my tutor that I had received an email from work. I made it official, then had to deal with a loud “Coward!” from The Critic.’
‘So that means you won’t be working again until June? How does that feel?’

Perceptive of her to ask – I explained that I had composed an email to my students that will reach them via their parents.

‘You are still facilitating and fulfilling your role.’
A discussion ensued about me realising the impact of my disability, and R acknowledged that it sounded like I had been dealing with some pretty big realisations in that regard. She asked how I was feeling having managed it so bravely, noting that I had done it, as a result of our conversations.
I said that I was feeling OK, and then changed tack.

‘I didn’t want to spend time on that today.’

‘OK. We did spend a lot of time on that last week…what are we doing?’

‘I have been putting some thought into your question from last week, the one I hadn’t asked for a while.’

‘I think I remember.’

‘Who am I holding it together for?’

‘There was a swear word in there sometimes too..’

I explained that I had realised P was still having an influence on my work, reading from something I had written between sessions.

‘Shaking is new…Anybody would feel wronged by what I experienced, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to move towards healing.’
R asked what I thought the shaking was about.

I explained that I believe I use poetry and writing as a way to pass emotion onto other people, but when I read my words aloud ‘It opens a door.’ I went on to say that I wanted to continue in this vein in future.

R said that she had some questions about the piece. I remarked that we have had to work hard for eye contact, although in that other space, ‘I could have told you anything you wanted to know about the floor.’ Then R realised that I was talking about my previous therapist.
I continued to say that it must be some kind of achievement to invalidate a client within the first five minutes of them coming into your office.
‘Invalidation comes up for me too. I remember when we first met and you told me about your experience before we started having sessions. I felt really angry as a human being, not just as a fellow therapist.’
‘I don’t think I even got to the point of discussing January 2011 with her. Pre-verbal trauma is a really effective way of shutting somebody down. And that was before we got to dragon metaphors.’
I read R a new poem which talked about my inability to verbalise things. I asked how she received it, and she said that every time I read a piece of writing in session or bring something for her to read, she gets a new understanding. ‘Particularly when you’re talking about it being another language…that helps me understand even more.’
We talked about more things.

‘I’m picturing something, and I want you to be able to see it too.’ I ended up drawing a diagram to help R understand my state of mind.





I spend a lot of time between sessions in containment.

‘If we go somewhere intense – “When you go to your vulnerable place” – I move into coping.
‘And that is when you have talked about crying and panic attacks?’

'Yes'


‘When I am at work, I am living/managing.’

‘And you want to spend more time there?’

‘I feel as though family and friends deserve more from me than they are currently getting.’
‘You immediately went to other people’s needs. How do you feel right now?’

‘We are heading into a difficult period of time for me, so it is important that I listen to my needs. To get to a place of management, I need to manage this frustration.’

I explained that I find the level of frustration I am living with offensive, never mind anybody else.

‘Is it about not being able to let some of that out, like the Jenga analogy we talked about before?’

‘Yes.’

I then asked whether the window of tolerance could grow. R asked me to clarify and then said:

‘I almost hear you asking – R, am I ever going to be able to deal with life stuff again?’

‘That is an excellent translation.’
‘When you deal with a traumatic experience, whether that’s a loss or anything else, one more thing can be too much. The straw that breaks the camel’s back, so to speak. As you process it, and come out of it, your ability to deal with stress increases.’
‘Thank you.’

I told R that I was still thinking about Jenga. She told me to let her know.

‘And I feel like I need to say that if you are worried about offending me, I can tolerate a lot.’

Last week I had strongly felt my T's love towards me. I felt him "in" the connection. I didn't miss him as much this week and I wasn't as desperate to see him as usual. T said he wondered why his presence in session was something I could take away with me more than usual. I said I just had an image of a loom. And every session I cut the material away to take away with me, and the material is the relationship. If I just have my layer, I cut it away and it just falls to the floor as tangled yarn, but when it is interwoven with his presence, it becomes cloth - something I can cut away and take away with me. I'm describing it much better here because he helped me make sense of it, but I just had the image and he helped me to put words to what it represents.

We talked a lot about how much our relationship has changed over the last 4+ years. He said the relationship feels much more equal, like we are just two fragile, vulnerable people figuring it out together. We talked about making sense of the transference and countertransference together and we do that at quite a deep level because we trust each other.

We talked about how last session had been a connected session and this one feels like a reflective session (though I still felt connected) and we said how that seems to be a kind of mini process we go through within the bigger process.

He asked if I had thought any more about the presence of our animus/anima. I said I had thought about it, but hadn't reached any great insight. He said that's where he was at with it too. I said it rings true somehow but I can't reach it. It's certainly a part of my process.

We talked about some of the things I've been doing and how I wouldn't have had the self-belief to do that stuff before.

We came to the end. I hugged him and said "I love you" and I left.

In todays session I arrived and sat down and said hello and talked about my week for a few minutes, and then it was an hour later and it was like I hadn't even been there.
I hate those session most of all. I feel so ripped off.

I don't feel like it was a brilliant session. I still don't feel close to him and it's not the same.

>I kept on going on about how he wasn't there for me when I needed him during my crisis.

>He said I wish you would talk to me.

>He finally got in it the end, and asked me how it felt to not have him there. That it was his fault he had not been attuned to me.That he tried to balance talking about the dark stuff without me being overcome by it so tried to keep a light by making jokes.

>I'm allowed to email during his holiday.