In Session Today: Part VI

Thanks for the tip!

I thought I copied the whole post on my clipboard, but when I pasted after logging back in, I realized only one sentence had been copied.

Hi T. Miss you. Love you.

Hi M, you are clever and playful. When you are not busy making me cry about the past, you entertain me with your one liners and black humor. I cant imagine being ready to leave you.

My T text me this morning and said he has a cold and sore throat, he can still see me but wanted to forewarn me in case I would rather Skype. I text him back that I'm happy to come see him.

I arrived and said "I have a present for you" and handed him an individually-wrapped lemon, ginger and honey teabag which I had taken from a box in my kitchen. He said thanks and I said it's good for a cold.

I told him I wanted to talk about why we have ruptures around breaks, because we haven't so far even though we committed to doing so before he next goes away (late June).

He asked do we talk about my feelings about it, or what we need to put in place. I said my feelings because, as he had said before, we cant know what to put in place if we don't know the feelings.
I said I often get angry with him around the time we have a break, except at Christmas. I thought maybe that's because he doesn't choose when Christmas is, and also, I'm busy and out of routine too so it feels more of a mutual break.
Last year he went away for 3 weeks and I don't know where he went. In my head I imagined he had gone to America. Just because I liked having somewhere I imagined he was. But I never told him that. Today, I accidentally let slip "last year when you were in America". I felt embarrassed, like I'd revealed something I hadn't meant to.

T said he was curious about it, and about the fact I never ask him where he's going. I said the idea of asking him and him not telling me, or looking awkward or hesitant about telling me is horrible to think about, so I am protecting myself against that I think. I said I think "if he wanted me to know he would tell me.". T said from his side, he didn't want to tell me unless I asked, because he didn't want to tell me something that I didnt want to know. It's like we have been dancing around this boundary all these years without talking about it. I said "I can't believe it's the first time we're having this conversation". He said, so the question is, do you want to know? I said it would have been really helpful to me to know where he had gone last year, and we talked about my need to place him somewhere in the world (object permanence).
I said "I know where you are going next month though because you told me months ago. You are going to x for y". He said yes. I said I don't forget. He said if you think at any point it would be helpful to know whereabouts in x, he is happy to tell me. I feel like I have permission to ask him in future which is what I needed.
We talked about dependency and my hypervigilance to the idea he doesn't want me to be dependent. He said he thinks that is due to, as a child, knowing on some level that my mother didn't want me to depend upon her.
I told him a bit about someone I've been chatting with and my concerns about whether my feelings are purely platonic. I said it makes me appreciate my relationship with T where I dont have to worry about what feelings I have or express, because he is safe and the relationship has reliable boundaries.
We were coming to the end, we stood up. I said "I'm fine with hugging you" we hugged and he said "I'm glad you told me that" I said "I thought you might wonder".
At the point we often release the hug, I felt his hand on my back firmly and I squeezed him tighter again for a couple more seconds.
We let go, he said "thanks for the tea" and we walked to the door. I said "take care of yourself" he said "I will, thanks". I said seeya and left. The very beautiful cat that lives on his street was round the corner.

I left feeling that whatever that empty feeling is that I often carry around with me, the tank is on 'full'. At least for now.

Good present, echoes! I hope he uses it. It does work like magic.

TodayÂ’s session was intense yet meandering. I was very aware of the time throughout, and the conversation felt stilted as a result. We talked about there being elements of grief and guilt mixed into the experience, and the fact that work is a safe space due to the absence of the Critic.

R asked how I feel when at work, and neither of the words I came up with were feeling words. Relaxed and accomplished are adjectives. I talked about my guilt over giving sensitive information regarding ChrisÂ’ health to Jonathan.

The Critic was loud today, but I didnÂ’t swear at it. I am trying approaches more in line with dog training.

I had my first session today. It went good. She seems to understand things. I just feel kind of emotionless about the whole thing and I’m not sure why.

trigger warning for mentions of suicidal ideation and some self harm stuff, the more specific/triggering SH stuff is hidden in a trigger warning

We talked about how I felt about him being gone last week

Tuesday I'd kind of given him an update on the situation that he'd missed: I'd been working with my pdoc to try to tweak my meds because I was having low motivation difficulty getting up kind of depression. He'd upped my lamictal and it didn't help and maybe made things worse, he upped it again and a few days later, when my T was gone, I got super fun suicidal ideation. Which I do not normally have at all, and haven't since I did the course of ketamine treatments more than a year ago, before I started seeing my T.
I'd immediately called my pdoc and went back down on the lamictal and started on lithium and it seems to be helping.
That all happened when my T was gone.

He asked me if I was angry and I wasn't. I finally admitted that, while I knew it was irrational and black and white thinking and whatever, it felt ****** that I wanted to kill myself and he wasn't there. That even though I knew I wasn't going to act on those thoughts, they were still really upsetting and not exactly something I can casually talk to friends about.
He says I'm not alone or whatever, but I was.

and we talked about the fact that I didn't SH that week. He'd said Tuesday that he knew I wouldn't, which bothered me. Because he was wrong to think he could predict that, there was a very real chance I was going to SH, he might have guessed right but that doesn't mean he was right to be fairly sure.
I told him I resented that it was easy for him to wish I wouldn't SH or be glad I didn't when he's not the one who has to experience how hard it is to not SH and how much that hurts.
At some point he said he'd never had the urge to SH. I kind of half jokingly asked "really? not even out of curiosity?" and he said no.
He asked me about how it hurts to not do it. I told him it meant feeling alone and lonely.
He asked me once again if I could hear his voice in my head during those times and imagine what he'd say. I told him I didn't because I couldn't let myself. That even if I tried to do neutral things they turned into cruel things. He said that was me switching over to my voice instead of his voice.

He said he asks about that because he wants me to be able to "take him with me" at those times when I'm feeling alone and stuck with my thoughts.
That was the first time he'd used that phrase.
I can't do that with just trying to imagine what he'd say, because my brain points out that I can't know, and then switches over to being cruel. And I remember that he's not actually there, tell myself he doesn't care, or whatever.
I've seen people post on here about having a transitional object and I think that would give me something to feel some of what I feel in session even when he's not there, to be able to access the feeling of him caring. I want something real, not just an idea.
But I absolutely cannot ask for that. I don't think it's the kind of thing he'd do. He might think it's stupid and that would be humiliating.

I haven't been here much lately but I did want to talk about my most recent/last session with T3.

Sadly, it was good. Probably the best session, emotionally I've ever had in therapy. Probably the first time I really felt heard in therapy. Yet, I can't see him regularly.
I found out that, he never did apply to be in my network, he was still waiting for paperwork and had not called them but rather emailed them and got no reply. It was rather frustrating to hear because all this time, I stuck around with him, waiting for something that wasn't even happening. He claims he will still call soon and try to get it sorted but I can't keep wasting time with him/this.

anyway.... we first talked about the stupid insurance and he told me all that. We both agreed insurance is dumb and frustrating though. (I had insurance issues with long term T too but he was kind enough to offer me a deal)

So he asked me how I'd been for the last month, was weird realizing how long since I have been to therapy and I didn't even care that it was that long. Very different feelings. I brought up how my dogs birthday was coming up soon, the dog I no longer have and how it would also soon be the 1 year of the rupture with T and I broke into tears. It was weird because he never asked anything about the rupture.

At this point I just flat out told him "I don't trust you" and he asked me why. I said "You remind me of him and I think you are gonna try to lure me into the therapy trap and then leave me" He asked me what ways he reminded me of him and I told him. Then I brought up the dreams where I was screaming at him and trying to push him into the wall. He was wondering how often these dreams were happening, I assured him, it was only after sessions. I also told him I'd never touch him and I'd never hurt anyone so it's just a dream and It was the anger I was having about T leaving me.

I can't remember much of what else happened after that but we briefly talked about my mom and some of the abuse I experienced growing up and how even to this day, I feel an obligation to take care of my siblings. He was saying stuff like how I need to be my own person and all that. I mean, I get that but just "doing it" isn't gonna happen after decades of things being this way.

Then he asked about my friends and I told him I recently had a game night with some and he asked me how often I put myself out there, we talked about how I can't stand myself and how I prefer to not be around people. Then I said something about how I was glad my closest real life friend lives in another state and he was confused and I said, "She'd get sick of me if she lived too close. Everyone does. I feel bad for people having to put up with me, I feel bad you have to put up with me but you get paid" He said that yes he gets paid but he was never in it for the money, this was a dream he had for most of his life to be a therapist and help people. (seemed too "Generic" of answer I don't believe it but whatever)

Through out most of this, I was in tears, I'd say at least half the session I was crying and well I've never done that before. I told him how I don't talk about T much because most people would never understand or they are too judgemental about it and it angers me. He asked how they are judgemental and I explained how constantly hearing "That's unethical" or "He shouldn't have done that" is annoying. I am not an idiot, I know those things but I want to be heard and just share my thoughts/feelings and process my loss without people acting like he should be in jail or something. He then went into explaining his comment from our first session where I emailed *****ing because I felt he was judging him and It was not ok. He said "When I said that it wasn't fair to you, it wasn't me judging you or judging him, it was me looking at you, sitting in front of me in tears, in pain and saying that it wasn't fair you have to deal with this alone" So I appreciated that. He also asked why I feel comments about him are things I take personally. I said, well, it's because I love him deeply. Like if you were to talk **** about my dog, I'd be deeply hurt or offended. He understood and told me "You can talk about any of it here, I am willing to let you just say what you need and not judge, I will be cautious of my comments"

So at some point, I was crying still (this man impresses me how he gets me so emotional and normally I'm a very guarded person) and I was talking about how I struggle still with trying to understand how someone can care about me but then leave me, did they really care or was it just a job? Something along those lines and to my surprise, he actually ASKED me if it was ok to give me feedback on this. I was like really impressed by that. I said yes and he went on to answer that in his mind.
It was a pretty generic answer but to his defense, I've shared very little T stuff with him. He doesn't know nearly as much as baby T did and even he didn't know alot.

Then I complained about his annoying clock, it ticks really loudly every second and is super distracting. He said a lot of people say that and I was like well get a new quiet one, geez.

We were winding down at this point and I said "Well, at least you can be happy you never have to see me again" and I realize how it probably sounded like I was gonna end my life and he was like "What do you mean?" I was like "Well with the insurance, I can't afford to see you and it will take too long, so it's like a blessing for you, to never have to deal with me again, even if you get paid" He didn't really comment directly on that but said something about trying to figure it out and looking into reduced rates or whatever and claiming to keep me posted. I really can't be bothered at this point. I mean if he hasn't even applied yet, it will be AT LEAST another month before anything happens.

So I am once again feeling screwed over by life, finding a T that really listens, gets emotions out of me and asks the perfect things to get me to open up and I can't even see him. It's why I have just decided at this point, it's better to suffer than play games with therapy.

I was really happy with it overall though, just a bummer. I left emotional too and was crying on and off for a few hours after. I could make some real progress with him, if only....

I had T today. I got there about ten minutes early. It’s always weird on Saturdays because there is no receptionist and no one in the waiting room. About five minutes after eleven, my T came and got me. She said I seemed serious today and asked me if I was serious. I said I didn’t know. She said she had to go to the restroom. So I went to her office and saw that notes were up on her computer. I don’t know if they were about me or about the last person. I was tempted to look but if they were about the last person I would feel bad. Plus I didn’t want to get caught. I just sat in the chair that swivels and looked at the art on the walls.
She came in and asked how I was. I don’t remember what I said. She asked me if I had cut. I said no. She said hot digity which I think is funny. She asked how long and I said 97 days. She said that’s a quarter of a year. I said I hadn’t thought of that.
I told her I had been close to cutting though. I had got out the gauze and everything but by the grace of God I hadn’t. We talked a lot about what cutting does for me. How it’s a release valve. How it’s important to let something out of me. I talked about how I gave blood two weeks ago. How that was getting something out of me too but how also it is hard because the person has to see the scars on my arm. How I’m protective of them and I don’t like people to see them.
She was wearing all black with silver and pearl jewelry. She wore black flowers in her hair and silver shoes. I made good eye contact today. I told her at the end that I like her black flowers.
We talked about sui. She said she didn’t really think I was sui. That irritated me. So I felt like I had to prove that I was serious. I told her about a past attempt. I told her that I didn’t tell anyone until afterward. I told my Former T who was my T at the time. She said I should have told her before I did something. I told her about the time I went to the ER because of sui thinking. It was a waste of time and money but she disagreed because I was still here. T said she wants me to tell her before I do anything. I didn’t exactly agree. She said to call the office. That they would say she had no availability but to leave my name and number and she would get back to me. That she would see me on her lunch hour or after hours. That she would make it work. I talked about how I would sui if I was going to. She talked to me about what I have to live for and if I was happy to be alive today. I said not really but I started talking about the people that would be affected if I were gone. That’s what I have to live for.
We talked about my relationship with my mom and dad and sister. The relationship with my mom is complicated but I’m devoted to her. The relationship with my dad is okay. The relationship with my sister is complicated also. We talked about my nieces and nephews and if I passed especially by sui that it would leave a terrible legacy for them. That they would more likely use sui also.
We talked about some other stuff that I can’t remember right now. She said I have family of origin issues which should be resolved and is kind of blurry to her but how we are both smart and we would figure it out. We went overtime by about half an hour. I got two phone calls by my boss and she got one phone call. I don’t know by who. But that was in the overtime portion. We talked about my chronic migraine. Stress at work. Financial stress. We talked about something needed to replace SH but I said I didn’t know what that would be. She said it’s complicated and I’m very isolated with it.
It was a good session. I see her again next Saturday.
Comments okay. Hugs. Kit

Hey Kit. Your post reminded me i guess thats not all bad!😽

First, we talked about my job. Boss had been an *** about some mistakes I'd made and I ranted for a while about how he's doing a far worse job, told my T some stories that show that he doesn't know what he's doing and so on.

Then I mentioned me wanting to get a tattoo soon (we'd talked about it before, but now I'm really looking for an artist and all). T asked how my mom will react. I said she'll probably not be happy and told him about how I cut my hair short (think buzz cut) for the first time. I did it while I was at my boyfriend's and when she first saw me, she let out the most horrifying scream.

For some reason this led to a discussion about how my mom used to clean for hours every day. Literally 5 hours a day. She'd vacuum every room, clean the kitchen, the bathroom, all the mirrors, sinks and so on. He said that seems a bit excessive, normal people clean less, don't they? I was like 'I don't know, don't they... I mean I'd hate to clean that much, but you're the one supposed to know what's normal'.
At some point he asked whether I think it was an anxiety/compulsion thing. I asked how you can tell when your parents never share anything about their emotions with you? He said how people with compulsions usually do it long after 'it's okay' again. Like there might be a stain and they'll have to clean it for an excessive amount of time, until it's right *to them*. I said how I know that feeling. Early on in college in the US, I woke up to some woman yelling for help. For the rest of my time in there, I'd always check the door for whether it's looked. It just *feels* a certain way. You have to do it until it feels okay, and it's a very weird feeling.

T asked why I thought my mom was cleaning so much. I commented on some trauma I don't feel like going into here that might cause her to have felt out of control and how people try to control some aspect of their life by controlling something else.

After discussing that for a while, we started talking about some issues I used to have with a buddy of mine, we discussed that for a while. At some point I started crying and he got up to get me a tissue. But he has learned to just have them out or in his pocket or something instead of having to go pick them up in some drawer...

At the very end I managed to look at him, which felt really nice.

Abbreviated version of Thursday's session (full, very long version is in LT's Thread, but thought it might be interesting for people who considered playing music for their T.

T Thursday. Went back and sat down. I said I kept thinking about playing a song for him and felt like I wanted to do it, even if I wasn't sure what I was looking for. And I was trying to figure out if he was telling me last session that I shouldn't do it. He said he just wanted to make sure I knew what I was looking for from it. I said I'd posted about it on PC and had gotten a variety of responses. That one was about how it seemed to be coming from a teenaged part of me. That I kind of agreed with that. We discussed that briefly.

Me: "You said Monday how if I played the song, you'd feel awkward if I was sitting there staring at you, waiting for a reaction. And I was thinking to myself: 'Then you'd know how I feel every session!'" T laughed: "Turning the tables?" Me: "Yeah."

Me: "I know you're trying to make sure my expectations aren't too high. But part of me just wants to try it. I mean, maybe it would make you vomit immediately." T: "Well, that would at least be an emotional reaction." Me: "True!" T: "I feel like how you do therapy is that you're trying to express your inner world and have that be understood. And this would be a part of that." Me: "So if you don't understand it, you feel that might negatively affect me?" T: "Maybe." Me: "I wouldn't expect you to have the same experience of the song as me. Especially after hearing it once." T: "OK."

T: "Well, you don't know what kind of music I like." Me: "I thought you weren't into any music?" T smiled in a way that suggested he does in fact like some music (he's said before that it's never done much for him).

Me: "Well, you've managed to set my expectations so low at this point. Would it be OK if we tried it?" T: "Sure." Me: "I brought the lyrics." T: "I appreciate that." Me: "So do you want to hear 'Terrible Love' or 'The Geese of Beverly Road'?" (both by The National). T: "It's up to you!" Me: "I know...let me go with the one where the lyrics are more obvious." T: "You can always play one, and if it doesn't feel right, do the other one. Or both." Me: "OK. I'll go with 'Terrible Love' then." I handed him the lyrics.

I hit play. While it played, I mostly stared out the window, watching the trees blowing in the wind, could see him in my peripheral vision and sorta glanced over at once or twice--he was looking intently the lyrics sheet. After one section where they repeat "It takes an ocean not to break," T said, "I imagine that line has meaning to you." Me: "Yes it does." My eyes welled up a few times as it played, but didn't spill over.

When it ended, I looked up nervously at T. T: "That was an interesting song." Me: "Yeah." T: "It reminds me of something I've heard before. I know someone who will know what song I'm thinking of." Me: "OK. Maybe it's a song I don't know?" T: "I seriously doubt there's a song I've heard that you haven't." Me: "OK, well, maybe if it's a current pop song?" T: "I still doubt it."

T brought up the "It takes an ocean not to break" line. T: "What it makes me think of is...if you're struggling emotionally, it can take a lot of effort, like an ocean of effort, to keep it together.

Me: "Yes, exactly." T: "And it's kind of clever, using 'ocean' with 'break.'" Me: "Yeah, breaking waves. Another part that speaks to me is 'It's hard to go to sleep without a little help. It takes a while to settle down, until the panic's out.' The whole song partly feels like it's about anxiety to me. It has an edginess to it." T: "OK."

T: "I'm not sure how to interpret parts of it. It almost seems like a couple different songs in one." Me: "Yeah." T: "Like what does he mean by 'walking with spiders'?" Me: "I'm not sure, I've read that some think it's a scary sort of love. And he had apparently just had his first kid when he wrote this album. So some said how that can be scary." T: "That makes sense, how that brings out all these emotions."

Me: "Yeah. But something that I associated it with...I have absolutely no idea if he had this in his mind at all--but in 'Crime and Punishment,' which I read both in high school then in college, one of the characters--not the main one, not Raskolnikov--said how maybe the afterlife is just a small, dark room with spiders. So I associated it with that." T said that was interesting.

I asked if any other client had played music for him before. He said some were in bands or did rap, so they'd played their own stuff. I said that probably felt a bit different, because it was their own. He agreed and said maybe 5 clients (he's been practicing >15 years) had shared a song in the way I did.

I said how maybe I needed to rely on music more in my life, because in a way it's a creative outlet. Or some other creative outlet Mentioned writing, poetry, etc. He mentioned painting. I said I'm afraid to take a painting class because of a bad experience when I was a kid, where the instructor said my flowers looked diseased and that it was terrible. T: "You should have said, 'That's exactly what I was going for! Nailed it!'" I laughed. Talked more about painting, and I mentioned photography, which I've done some of in the past.

We were about out of time. I said he could keep it if he wanted. T: "I was planning on it so I could ask that person about the song." Talked about music a bit more--Vanilla Ice and "Under Pressure." Deaths of musicians. How music from high school and college is often what stays with people most.

We were at about 56 minutes. T: "So we're set for next week." Me: "Yes." Went over to pay. T, shaking my hand, "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "It's supposed to be really nice this weekend." Me: "Will there actually be a day when it doesn't rain?" T: "Sounds like it." Me: "Good!" T: "Enjoy the weather." Me: "You, too."

I left with a good feeling, like I'd connected with T in a new way. I'm glad I took the risk to play the song.

Intense session today. I talked about the anger being like a concrete block.



‘It took me a while to work out what you meant when you said it had to come from me. Then I realised that you meant it had to be authentic. I don’t think it would ever feel authentic for me to express anger…’



‘For you to express anger, or for you to express anger in the way you feel you need to?’



'I can express anger when I find furniture with my toe....' I laughed



'No, that gives me a really good picture. If you stub your toe, you can go 'Oh, ****!''



‘The only way I can think of dealing with a concrete block is by picking up a chisel – I don’t think cranes can deal with concrete blocks…I picked up a chisel on Monday, and I have written something I would like to share. The presentation is important, so I am just going to pass it to you. The world’s smallest collage came first.’

‘What jumps out at me is “I was angry, still am, because I thought I was done with grief.”’



We talked about how I have difficulty calling it grief.



‘You named it grief in here.’

‘Yes. This feels volcanic, unlike any other grief experience I have known.’



‘You make me visual. It’s almost like grief is a base layer, underneath lots of anger.’



‘Yes. There’s another word that comes up for me, but if I have difficulty justifying the word grief, I will have even more difficulty justifiying the word ‘abuse.’’



‘Justifying it to who?’



‘Justifying it to me.’



‘Where has it come from then?’



‘They knew what they were doing.’



‘They knew what they were doing.’



‘And yet they kept doing it.’



‘And yet they kept doing it.’



R said she felt like I wanted her to say that labelling emotions takes me out of the feelings.



‘Being able to label it, to call it something…decomplexitises…I’m making up words today…decomplexitises it?’



We observed that when I intellectualise, I am engaged with her, but when I am talking about feelings, I look elsewhere. I explained that some people would call it ******** and just move on. I noticed that I had cycled back to talking about the anger, but highlighted that I didn’t feel comfortable facing it head on, because I felt the impact it was having on me, and didn’t want it to have an impact on her.



‘Both of you, piss off.’ The Critic and P cut in at that point.



R noticed and urged me to keep going, but I could not remember what I had been saying. She reminded me of where I had begun.



‘It’s as though it is a huge tarpaulin over my entire life.’



‘What about when you are at work?’



‘The tarpaulin isn’t big enough to cover work as well. The way it is set up, all my students can do is write, and all I can do is teach. When I leave work, it all comes back.’



I talked about how I only knew what Chris needed me to know. ‘I don’t know, but I feel as though she wanted to protect me. With the other experience it was ‘Because of all you’ve been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…’



‘The ultimate insult.’



I began to talk about how Kim had recovered from each setback. ‘It didn’t actually happen!’



R picked up on that and reminded me that the Critic shows up when I am at my most authentic.



‘The events as you were told may not have happened, but something happened to you.’



‘With Chris’ death, although April 2007 was a hard week…there was a trajectory there.’



‘Sometimes knowing that there is an end in sight can help us to endure past the point we normally would.’



‘Death is an ending, grief is a beginning. It was very hard being in and out of that cycle.’



‘You’ve talked before about wanting there to be an end to it, and yet not wishing it to happen.’

‘Are we not using the word?’



‘I can use the word if you want me to.’

‘When I got the email in January 2011, my first words to my mother were ‘It’s over.’’



‘That was a deep breath there…’



‘Temporally, it is…but I am still stuck in that ****ing bathroom.’



‘If it had all happened the way I was told, it would be the actions of somebody seeking solace, I guess.’



‘And that would make it easier to forgive?’



‘I could have stopped it at any time, but I didn’t.’



R took both of my hands in hers, and I turned to look at her.



‘Whether you had cut it off or not, that doesn’t change the fact that what they did to you was horrendous. You have every ****ing right to be ****ing angry.’



'I don't have to be OK with it?'



'You don't ever have to be OK with the way they treated you, but you do have to be OK with you...and that's the work that you, we are doing.'



I had to sit with that one a while. We scheduled for the two weeks following half term.

My therapy appointment went really good and I left there feeling much better then I did coming in. I’m glad I waited the 4 months to see her. She’s going to look into paranoid personality disorder and also talk to my doctor about doing some specific testing now that I am diagnosed with autism. either psychological or neurological testing. She says I am def not BPD. she says she could tell the second I walked into her office the first time that I didn’t have it. So that’s a huge relief. So yeah things worked out good.

T today. She came and got me pretty much on time, maybe 5 minutes past. I was really nervous because I needed to tell her I had SH-ed and broken my promise to not SH until Pentecost and truly I didn't know how this conversation would go.

T asked me how I was as we walked from the waiting room to her office. I said I was alright. T said that didn't sound so good. It must be the way I said it. So she asked if I had cut and I said yes, on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. She asked me how many days I had gone without SH and I said 98. I don't remember if she said anything about that. Then T asked me what I would have been feeling if I hadn't cut? I said stressed. She said what's underneath the stress?

So I said that there's a lot going on at work and life. We talked a lot about the stuff going on at work, which I'm not going to elaborate on here because I'm sure many of us get work stress. Let's just say it has to do with the possible acquisition. Plus there's the stress of my diabetic cat who as I type this is at the vet for some testing. And some financial stress.

T said I need to look at the long term and not just the short term. To look at becoming a CPA. That's something that I may pursue in the future but I'm not healthy enough emotionally to pursue it right now. But I didn't tell this to T.

We talked about the SH. T asked me if I had cut deep. I said I had a couple cuts that were deep. T asked if I went to the hospital to get them stitched. T asked me to explain the ritual of SH to her, which I did, but I don't want to trigger anyone here. She asked me if I ever meditated? I said yes, on scripture. She asked if I ever get massage? I said yes about three times a year. She asked if I could go more frequently? I didn't commit to that. I told her how I used to have chiropractic care but it's not covered by my insurance so I don't anymore. We talked about accupuncture. I've never tried it. Out of a possibly irrational fear that because I'm not sure if it would trigger the SH.

She told me I need something metaphysical to help me. Something bigger than myself. We talked about how I pray and some things about my faith. We talked about how I need a new ritual to replace SH. We talked about a runners high and how I've never experienced that. We talked about self care, like baths with candles, and nice lotions. And calming things like cuddling with my kitties, like I am with Amelia right now.

We talked about my relationship with my parents. We talked about how I'm self critical and that probably comes from my childhood. We talked about how I engage in negative self talk before SH. She asked me if I had heard of thought stopping. I asked her if that was a CBT thing. She said yes. I made a face. She said I know. And then explained what it was. Then we made a list of things that are positive that I could say about myself. I came up with two. She came up with a few more. One thing she said was that I'm very calm, that I have a calm demeaned which is nice for other people. I said people accuse me of not having emotions. She said oh no, you're hypersensitive you just don't show it on the outside. So we talked about that a bit. It made me feel better. Less like a robot that I can be accused of.

Someone was knocking on the waiting room door, so she got up and told them she was still meeting with her client and would be with them shortly. That's when I realized it was noon. Out hour was up. It went so fast. She still talked to me for a few minutes. Like what I would tell someone else if they were like me with the SH. And so I told her I would be compassionate and tell them no one deserves hurt. She was like do you hear yourself? I said yes. She said remind me when Pentecost is so I did. She said maybe I could not SH until then. I said I would try and that I would see her on June 7th. We exchanged pleasantries about having a nice long weekend (Memorial Day on Monday--we are both off). And I thanked her. Then I left.

There's probably some stuff I am forgetting about. It was a good session, I thought.

Comments okay. Hugs Kit

Well today was a humdinger. I guess I might as well go ahead and put the whole thing in a TW (explicit ET talk)

I emailed T saying I felt a bit vulnerable, and asking for some reassurance (including that when he said 'I didn't run' he didn't mean he wanted to) and he sent me this gorgeous reply

Echos, this is amazing & inspiring.

Very inspiring, echos. I am so glad for you that you were both able to withstand the 'heat' so to speak. I couldn't do it with L when we got to that place and I basically ran. Based on what L said if both t and client can withstand it or whatever that is when real transformation occurs. I feel a little sad that I ran.