In Session Today: Part VI

Yesterday's therapy session was long. It felt like time suspended, and we fit two or three hours into that one-hour space. The nutshell version...

I talked about seeing the kids' dad's therapist, and feeling overwhelmed and not sure how well I'd been able to present what I needed to say and what my goals were. That t had mentioned that he might try "pushing" a little when we both met with him, and I realized that I didn't really know what that meant, so I asked my t what she thought it might mean. She gave me some insight and ideas for how to approach the joint session.

Then, I started to talk about simultaneously wanting to please and wanting to help, and feeling like "Oh hell, no," and thinking "This isn't the time," and feeling overwhelmed as those thoughts log-jammed, but that ultimately the work I'd done around the distress and the stories had been been empowering and what I'd taken from that experience, both around moving forward and learning about right where the edges are, my boundaries.
Me: I was distressed when I left that appointment, pretty overwhelmed. Later I realized that there was a time when I would have needed to share all of those stories to validate my experiences, to make sure that he knew the truth because who knows what the kids' dad has told him? But I don't need to, or even want to, because I know it's not time for that, and because *I* know the truth. I believe myself.

T: I am so.... I don't even have one word for it. Inspired. Honored. Humbled. (And a couple other words.) You've graduated from therapy.
And then we talked about that for a while. I knew what she meant, not that I'm done coming to therapy, but that I've reached a point of healing and stability and trust in my self that I've been working toward for a long time. As a matter of fact, later, when it was time to finish, she told me that she didn't mean I should stop coming, and I said that I knew that, she's stuck with me for a while longer.

After that, I talked about how reaching that point was a balance for the other side of the coin, and I just came out with it, the sense of being deeply damaged in a way that can't be fixed.
T: I want to change just one word for you. You're not damaged, you're injured.
Me: Yes. Thank you. I do know that here (pointing to my head), but I feel it. I can know all of the things about being strong and healing and finding my self, but I still feel (pointing to my gut) damaged. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
As I talked, I could see her suddenly "get it." Her body language and expression shifted, and she just sat and listened. Witnessed. Really heard what I was saying, and as I talked and she didn't tell me how amazing my work has been or how strong I am, but just. listened. and held that for me, I felt such a sense of relief. I think I hadn't shared it that deeply ever, because that feeling needed to be heard and accepted completely as a real part of my experience.
Then we talked about healing and how some things never heal completely and we are left with scars, and that's real.

There was even more, but those moments together in the session feel like they balanced, brought alignment somehow, like tumblers in a lock clicking together or finding some of the last pieces of a puzzle.

No wonder I was exhausted afterward.

I like that, injured, not damaged.

Treble Clef introduced me to the early stages of EMDR today.

It went ok today. She gives me homework every time every week and she says I do it better than any of her other clients. I just write stuff down in the notes app on my phone throughout the week and then transfer it onto paper the day before I see her. She sent a message to my doctor to see if my lamictal is the cause of my nightmares. They have each other’s cell number which is good. She said he can pull strings if he wants to move my appointment with my sleep specialist up.

I thought I’d try writing this out because I almost didn’t go today, and I’m so glad I did because it was unexpectedly nice. He’s on vacation next week, so I want to try to hold onto this feeling for a while.

I brought up the fact that I was upset about the ambivalence around therapy and how hard it feels to both not want to come and to want to come at the same time. I said I was frustrated that the ambivalence is still just as bad as it was a year and a half ago, and it feels crazy to be putting myself through this over and over again each week. And it’s even crazier that I pay money to experience this. He said he thinks it’s different now because I’m willing to talk about it whereas before I wouldn’t. I told him I feel stuck and I said if I leave therapy I won’t have that dreadful discomfort any more. He said he thinks I would still have that discomfort but it would show up in another way.

I said I also feel bad about emailing, especially when he didn’t respond and that I had really wanted to email him yesterday though because I wanted to be sure I brought up how important it was for me to articulate my frustrations with the ambivalence and I wanted to give him a heads up so he wouldn’t be too surprised. He thought it was interesting that I would do that and thought I must think that I am too much for him to deal with in the moment and he wondered where I learned that. I felt bad that last week he said something about how sometimes people call him if they have actual content to discuss, and I told him that I don’t ever want to call him. I’m not sure why it seemed like he had a faint smile when I said that.

I ended up saying I just felt guilty about coming to see him for therapy in general and that it took me a year even to make the appointment to see him because it felt wrong. I told him I’m aware that there are a lot of people who have it much worse and are more deserving of therapy than I am. I told him about the 13 yo girl from Myanmar who had been in several refugee camps and whose mother died of cancer while in one of those camps. Now she’s living in the US with her dad who doesn’t speak any English and she has a bad cancer herself. She (and her father) would be much more deserving of therapy than me. I mean she’s only 13 and had to watch her mother die and now helps translate for her father and is undergoing cancer treatment in a foreign country. He paused for a bit and said that if she lives she would likely feel guilty too, that she watched a parent die and now is left with helping the other while dealing with cancer herself. His eyes seemed a bit watery when he said that and he looked at me quietly. I kept looking away and when I’d look back he was still looking at me, and although he didn’t say it, it seemed like he was making a parallel with my own life (watching a parent die and taking care of another) which was completely unexpected but fit in a strange way. He said, “you’re doing really difficult work,” which was a bit weird (and nice) to hear because sometimes I really don’t know what I’m doing with him.

A snip from yesterday's session with ex's therapist:

I get that this was the second time he'd met me and the first time he'd seen us both together. I get that we had to start somewhere, and best to begin at the beginning. I get that what he went over was pretty standard boilerplate conflict resolution communication strategies. But what the t doesn't know is the way language was used to twist reality, and that all of the language about perspectives and reflective speech and everyone's perception being equally valid was used against me when I was in couples therapy with the kids' dad. The ex would nod and look engaged and say the right things, and then go home and use the therapy language as another weapon.

So...when the t said, "Everyone's perception is equally valid," I didn't throw my pencil at his head and say "NO. That is not true."
And when he said, "The question I want you to address is 'What do I want you to know about me?'" I didn't say, "(Ex) gets to know nothing about me...there is a Keep Out sign with a skull and crossbones on it. He doesn't f***ing get to know me."

I just held the stupid Sharpie and said what I needed to say to get through the divorce conversation. And it worked. So there's that.

I have to do it again in two weeks. F***

Today's session was intense, but good.

I talked at length with R about a triggering work issue, and ended up feeling much safer in my own mind. Interesting question at one point - 'What do you want, Lost?...or what do you feel you deserve?'

'I feel I deserve to be safe in my own mind.'

'Yes.'

Apology no.2 out of 3

T: "I'm sorry"
Me: "Ok"
T: "It's a big deal that you feel like that in here"
Me (to myself): "Don't say stupid shite then"

haha.

T Thursday (then extra session Friday due to some stuff dredged up near the end of the session). Spent first part of session talking about how I'd been stressed and kind of yelled at my D a couple days earlier. And that I felt guilty about it. And recalled how my T had said it's never OK to yell at a kid (he was saying in reference to my H). T clarified that he meant that in the sense that it's generally not productive. How ideally you don't yell, but it happens. I told him I did formally apologize to D, which he said was good.

I said how I felt like a hypocrite for being critical of H yelling at her, when I'd done the same thing. But that I felt it was a little different, because he curses at her at times. I gave a couple examples of things he'd said, like, "Eat your f***ing eggs!" T, seeming concerned: "How often does he do that?" Me: "Maybe like once every week or two?" T: "Hm, OK." I said I feel like there's some filter in my head that keeps me from ever cursing *at* her, like yeah, I might drop an F-bomb at another driver while we in the car, but never anything directed at her. But it seems he doesn't have the same filter. Or get why saying that sort of thing or "shut up" to her or to me isn't really OK.

Which led back to the discussion of whether H could be on the autism spectrum. T said again that he doesn't want to diagnose someone he's never met, but some of it made sense. I said how we'd been out with friends we hadn't seen in a while a few days earlier, and it reminded me of something I love about him, how he can just chat with people he doesn't know well. Then I mentioned how the guy asked how H got into running, and he basically proceeded to give the full history of every race he'd run, and I was thinking, "OK they don't need to know all of that." T said how it seemed like he may not have been reading social cues (another sign of autism). And I said I'm probably overattuned to them, like if I 'm talking to someone, continually scanning to make sure they're not bored. He agreed. I said I even do that with him, and I pay him to listen to me!

I think at this point we had maybe 20 minutes left. I said how sometimes I wondered if my dad could be on the spectrum. How it could explain how he's not as available emotionally. And just some other stuff about him. And he's an engineer, which T said is a common career for people on the spectrum. T: "I feel like in talking about your childhood, you let your dad off the hook for a lot of things. Then other times, you group him in with your mom." Me: "Hm." I started crying. "Yeah, I guess I do let him off the hook more..." T: "And I wonder why that is?" Me: "I guess it seems like...I mean I see how my mom is with her friends, and it's like she seems capable of caring on a certain level, so maybe it feels like she was just choosing not to give that to me. While my dad, maybe he wasn't as capable? I need to think on that more." T said that made sense.

I said how my mom didn't really seem to accept that my D is on autism spectrum, like she just seems to dismiss all of that. T: "So she's treating her like she treated you." Apparently I had a look on my face because he said, "I guess that hasn't occurred to you before?" I said I guessed it really hadn't. T said the difference is that D has me to sort of shield her from the stuff with my mom, while I didn't have that.

We were at the end of session. Confirmed the next week's schedule, and I went over to pay. I forget what we talked about then. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

Felt sort of OK after session, but then later that afternoon, had a sort of emotional meltdown that lasted into the evening. Emailed T about it, then when I hadn't heard back by early morning, asked if he had any extra sessions that day. He replied saying he was really sorry for not getting back to me sooner, that he'd had to deal with some stuff, but he had 11 a.m. if I wanted it, or else he could write a longer email reply after his first morning session. I took the 11 a.m. Will write that one up later--was quite emotional.

Half of today’s session was taken up by forward planning, but R and I had a productive conversation over safety. The sense of safety I feel at work magnifies the sense of unsafety I feel in other aspects of my life.
‘When somebody asks who I am …’ I began to laugh helplessly.
‘It’s so good to hear you laugh!’
‘When somebody asks how I am, I say “Work’s good”.’
We talked about my desire to create more spaces where I feel safe. I showed her the mind map I had drawn briefly. We agreed that we will talk more about that next session. I said that I believe that safety should be intrinsic, but I feel as though it isn’t for me since about three years ago.
‘When you experience something which affects you so deeply, it makes sense that you would struggle to feel safe.’

Extra T session Friday. This will be in 2 parts because the first section is already really long. Friday, Part 1: Went back and sat down. I said I wasn't sure what thing in particular I was so upset about. T: "Let's talk it through and figure it out." Cross-posting in LT's thread--if you have comments beyond, say, "sounds like a good session," please put them there

Talked a bit about a topic from last session that I didn't go into that led to a discussion of transference. T: "I'm curious about something. You seem to be calling any sort of attraction to a therapist 'transference.' Why do you think it necessarily has to be transference? People can just find each other attractive." Me: "Oh, I think it can just be attraction, too. I've told you this before, but when I first met you I thought you were attractive. So obviously that couldn't have been transference. Whereas with ex-MC, I think it was because, well, uh, I didn't find him particularly attractive when I first met him." T: "Like he's not someone you would have been attracted to normally?" Me: "Yeah." T: "Some people can become more attractive the more you get to know them." Me: "Yeah, or less attractive." T: "True. But also it makes sense in therapy, because here's this person being what might seem like the perfect partner. Like the ideal date, you can just talk about yourself and the other person will listen intently." Me: "Well, the parts where I end up crying, that's not so much the ideal date." T: "True." Me: "Or if my date was like, 'So tell me about your mother.'" T: "I don't think I've said those exact words--that's a little too cliche." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So for why I used 'transference' with you--I guess maybe part of is that it seemed less...threatening? Not sure if that's the right word. But the way you reacted to the stone, with it being about you...I figured if I put it out there as 'transference,' maybe that would bother you less? I don't know." (Note to those who don't know the background--he gave me a stone as a transitional object when I requested one, then when I told him I'd held it and it had comforted me, and I hoped that wasn't weird, that he said it was maybe 10% weird. Which led to a rupture.)

T: "Well with the stone, we hadn't been working together that long" (it was like 8 months...). T: "And the thought of you getting comfort from something that was a part of me, I had some discomfort with that. And I felt I had to listen to that discomfort." Me: "I still don't really get the 'part of me' thing. It's not like I was holding your hair clippings." T: "True, it's a couple steps removed from that." Me: "........" Me: "But you understand it all more now, right? Because I do have that other stone, and I only hold it occasionally." T: "Yes, now I understand better." Me: "OK, good."

Part of the following exchange does not reflect particularly well on my T, but including it anyway. I find comments he makes like this to help keep the transference at bay. I forget how we specifically got on this part. Maybe my wondering if ex-MC felt attracted to me, because I got that sense at times? Ah, yeah, it was in talking about the transference for him. Me: "Like with ex-MC, at first he seemed to convince me it was mostly paternal transference. But then in the second individual session, he asked if I had any sexual fantasies about him." T: "He asked you that in your second meeting?" Me: "Second individual session. Not our second marriage counseling session!" T: "OK, I was gonna say, that's pretty direct!" Me: "Yeah!" I think in there I said I wondered if he felt attracted to me, just because of how he acted toward me sometimes.

This is the not-so-good part: T: "If I have really attractive clients, I find that I'm often more cold and distant toward them. Like I'm trying to be careful not to be acting toward them a certain way and maybe overcorrecting." Me (thinking, "why are you telling me this???"): "Hm." T also threw in there that his two summer interns are young, blonde females, which made me give him a bit of a death glare (doubt he noticed--I'm neither young nor blonde). Me: "So...if you're cold and distant toward your 'really attractive' female clients, I guess that means you don't think I'm really attractive? Or else you're really warm to most other clients?" T: "Or that I'm a really good actor." Me (in my head): ???????

We then went to something that redeemed him a bit to me. T said that he's complimented some clothing I've worn before, but that he was careful to see how I reacted to that before he did it again. Me: "I'm fine with you commenting on things I'm wearing. It makes me feel seen and like you're paying attention. And you'll say things like, 'I like your shirt,' which is all good and different from, say, 'that shirt looks good on you.' Which maybe would be OK in the right context. Or like if you comment on the fact that I'm wearing new shoes, which these aren't. It's like you're really seeing me." T: "Those are your favorite shoes to wear lately. For a bit, you were wearing some shoes that were the same color as your purse, not sure whether to call them coral or salmon." Me: "Yep, salmon, I'd say. I got a stain on them so that's why I stopped wearing them." T: "Ah!" Me: "I'm not sure that H even notices my shoes..." (Note, these are casual sneaker style ones from Skechers--not like strappy sandals or high heels or anything remotely sexy).

T said he got the sense maybe I wanted to talk about some other stuff from the previous session. Like my dad. I started tearing up and said, "Yes, apparently we need to talk about that because I'm crying now." Will put that stuff in Part 2.

T Friday part 2. So we started talking about my dad some. I was quite emotional and think I went through about 20 tissues for that part of the sessions. Some of what we talked about is a bit hazy. I said how I thought part was triggered by his comment Thursday about how many girls/women go to their mother for most things, but will go to their father in a crisis. And I wouldn't think to go to my dad for that. I mean, if I had car trouble or something, yes. But not something emotional. I never felt like I could go to him for those sorts of things.

T said that seemed sad. And that it seemed like maybe I was grieving what I missed out on in childhood and even now. I said yes, it feels that way. And how it can be hard shopping for Father's Day cards because some are so sappy and my relationship with my dad just wasn't that way. And I'll only buy a card if I feel what it's saying is accurate. And therapy has made shopping for Mother's Day cards much harder, too, because I used to get the "Not just my mother, also my friend!" ones and don't know if that seems to fit anymore.

Me: "Last night it just felt like I was starting to go into this dark place. And that's part of why I wanted this session, to try to head that off." T: "Well, I hope it helps." Me: "Thanks, I think it helps to just get the feelings out."

I said how my dad often seemed to mainly care about my mom's feelings, like if I was upsetting her, he'd stick up for her and be upset with me for upsetting her. T: "Wow, it seems like everything really revolved around your mom's feelings." Me: "Yeah, I mean, my dad would even refer to her as 'the warden' at times." T: "Hm." Me: "Like she was the disciplinarian, never my dad."

There were a couple times in the session where T was talking and it was like I had a realization about something else at the same moment. I started crying at one of those and said I wasn't crying about what he was saying. He asked what made me cry. Me: "I think it's like...you and ex-MC being caring and accepting and understanding toward me...it helps show what I didn't get from my dad, like what I missed out on. I mean, not that you're that way with your kids all the time of course, but that I missed the chance to at least have someone who understands anxiety, for example." T made an empathetic sound and seemed genuinely sad for me.

The rest of what we talked about is a bit fuzzy (when I'm really emotional, my memory tends not to be as good), but it was all centered around what I felt I missed out on. T said how there's still time to change things with my dad. I said how he'd seemed warmer lately, maybe just since my D was born? Or since he lost his father a couple years before that, one of very few times I ever saw him cry? I said how maybe part of what's hard is seeing my dad act very loving toward D, like always being sure to say he loves her, and that I don't recall him being like that when I was a kid. Though he definitely says he loves me more often now.

T said how becoming parents can often put our relationships with our own parents in a different light. I agreed. He said how maybe now with D, I understand some of their struggles. But that I'm also probably trying to make up for that with D, which I agreed with. T said he wondered if I could talk to my dad about any of this, what that might look like. I said I felt I had a better chance of a good outcome with him than with my mom. He said some past clients had been pleasantly surprised by such conversations. I said I'd think about it.

We were at like 55 minutes. I said I knew we had to stop. I felt a bit like I was going to be sick (maybe from all the crying and not being able to eat that morning). I stood up and threw away my tissue pile. T: "I wish I was leaving you in better shape." Me: "It's OK. I'll be OK." (crying a bit more) T: "I just feel I'm leaving you with all these big things that came out." Me: "Yeah." T: "I feel like this was bad timing, with this weekend being Father's Day." Me: "Yeah, and I see my parents Sunday." T: "Well, remember, I'm seeing you Monday. I know we're not due to meet the second time next week till Friday, but if you find want to move it sooner, to Wednesday for example, we can do that. And I know you tend to feel weird about having an extra session like this, but I want to make it clear that I'm completely fine with it." Me: "Thanks." His saying all that made me feel really cared for.

Went over to pay. T, shaking my hand: "I hope you can have a good weekend. And that it goes OK with your dad." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry." T: "You don't have to apologize for crying. It doesn't bother me." Me: "Thanks. I guess if it bothers you, you're in the wrong profession." T: "True! Well, I hope it's a good father's day for your dad and the other fathers in your life." Me: "Yeah, like the father of my daughter." T: "Yes." Me: "I guess, Happy Father's Day to you, too." T: "Thank you. Take care." Me: "You too." I left and ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot for about a half hour collecting myself because I was still feeling really emotional. I ended up being OK.

She kept telling me that everything I was feeling was all related to my depression and my anxiety. Whenever I brought up anything she’d say “well, anxiety can do this to the body.” I just felt like she was downplaying my symptoms. Not everything is anxiety.

Had a good session with Treble Clef today. We did trauma work. I ended up having a flashback in session but he handled it well and said I did too. My dog was in our session today but wasn't very cooperative as she didn't want to be pet when I wanted her. Treble Clef talked about himself a lot today, compared some surgery he got to therapy. He commented I always say what's on my mind. I told him I am blunt and it's not always a good thing but he seems to think it's good for our purposes. He also said I can invite whoever I want to my session but he cannot. I joked that it would be weird to have his wife or daughters in session. He laughed and said he'd only bring his supervisor or a trainee and only with my permission first.

T called me this morning and we talked for 30 minutes again. Originally I guess he was going to do the whole 50 minutes like our actual session but his travel plans got shifted and only had time for 30. We talked about the hospital again, and the thought of that scared me. Since I started seeing him a year, he always told me that if he thinks hospitalization may be necessary that we'd talk about it. It hasn't came up besides when I was in the hospital already for sepsis and the doctors were talking about inpatient. Now he's actually discussing it which really scares me. He said he could help me get into one and we could figure out how to tell my H if it comes to that. And how he thinks I understand his concern right now esp over the weekend and my safety. Which only part of me understands and the other thinks it's not that bad and he's wasting his time worrying. He was pretty insistent that if I feel like SH this weekend that I need to reach out to someone, even him if I want. Right now he agreed to keep talking about it when I see him Monday as long as I'm okay throughout the weekend.

He called it PTSD

Some of you who've seen my posts in the past know that he's never referred to it as "trauma" and I've been scared to. He's danced around the word, at one point saying the experiences exceeded my ability to cope. But he didn't use the word and so I didn't either. In my head it's been "the T word" ("transference" being the other "T word").
I worry I'm overreacting. I worry I'm being melodramatic. I worry it wasn't that bad. I worry that I was just weak and bad. He validates that these things are not true. But there was no physical or sexual violence. One time he asked me if I had flashbacks (no) or nightmares (also no). So I kind of assumed that meant he'd decided it wasn't PTSD. I also asked him about the diagnoses he had for me and they didn't include PTSD.
I was scared that if I called it trauma he'd tell me it wasn't.

We'd kind of moved away from the topic for a few months. Some med changes had triggered suicidal ideation so we'd kind of been focused on that and other things going on in the present. But it came up again yesterday. I think because he brought up anger? He wants me to allow myself to be angry at my parents and I said I just don't feel angry and hadn't been experiencing the sudden overwhelming urge to hit something or throw things because we hadn't been talking about my childhood. It had been really weird for me to experience at the time.

He asked more about it and I ended up explaining/describing the emotional flashbacks (though I didn't use that word). We'd talked about them before but this was exploring it a bit more. I told him I hated how the emotions came out of nowhere and weren't about anything at the time, it was like reexperiencing the emotions from that time all at once.

We talked about the specific frustrated powerless anger of being unable to do anything and how it felt like I was fighting for my dignity and personhood every day for years. No one else stood up to my father. No one protected me.

I told him that I didn't understand my reactions. I told him that I hated that I hadn't even started to remember this stuff until less than a year ago when it came up in therapy and all of a sudden I was remembering these major aspects of my childhood and adolescence that I somehow hadn't remembered until now. It makes me feel crazy. Being overcome with sudden emotions out of nowhere makes me feel crazy. Realizing that I'd just forgotten such huge parts of my life is unsettling. I don't think there's anything else I'm not remembering, but the idea scares me.

I asked him if this was normal. He said it was, and made some comparison to people with PTSD reacting to triggers. I said that that is something most people are aware of though, it's a common reaction.

He asked if I could see that my experience was a form of PTSD.

I asked if I should quote the DSM at him. I think I was testing to see whether he seriously believed it and I was looking for reassurance. Up until this point I didn't know whether he was a DSM purist when it came to the definition and I was too afraid to ask.

He said "what, because you didn't think you were going to die? You were just saying it was what you had to do to survive." I said I didn't have flashbacks and he pointed out that I'd also just been describing being overcome with sudden waves of emotion out of nowhere that were from those times and not a response to the situation in the present and that it made me feel unstable and crazy.

I then curled up tighter (I sit on his office floor hugging my knees to my chest in the fetal position. It's something I started doing when we first started talking about my childhood lmao) and went silent and after a minute he asked me where I went, said that I'd been there in the room with him and now it seemed like I wasn't there anymore. I told him the words he used scared me. That I wanted to deny it and say it couldn't be true. At some point I used minimizing language and he was like "'somewhat bad'? To use your words, it was some ****ed up ****."

Then we talked about how I'd feel if it was someone else. I joked that the fact that I talked about it all in such a detached way instead of being emotional about it the way I would if it was someone else meant that I was "over it" and "completely fine." He made the very good point that the number of scars even just visible at the time would suggest otherwise.

I think I need to do some writing. I should probably tell him how much of a big deal it's been to me that he didn't use that word. He's probably going to tell me he wishes I'd brought it up, but if he'd told me he didn't think it was that I would have been devastated and it would have been super invalidating and even harder for me to talk about.

Idk. I have a lot of feelings right now.

I really want to go to the hospital for meds. to get better. But my last stay wasn't the best and I am really stressed about it. I agree I need new meds.,but I am also really afraid. I feel totally estranged from you. I"m afraid you are mad at me because I am not going to get meds. You might not care, though? It might not matter to you either way. I just feel like bawling all the time, I really feel emotional, and that isn't regular for me. I just wanted you to know how really upset about this all. I know it doesn't affect you like it does me, But it's really painful for me.

I feel so lost. I plan to do somethings this week. I hope things are good on your side.