In Session Today: Part VI

R began the session today by sharing some quotes and resources she had found on anger. I was tempted to talk about the issue with my friend, but didn’t. One of the quotes she found that stood out to me was: ‘Anger is a motivating force.’ She explained that we can feel anger when we have been wronged in some way.
‘I sense some guilt around your anger, but your anger might motivate you to open up and discuss your experience more fully with me.’

We talked a bit about how R knows that I am not concerned with why they did it. ‘It is much more about your experience.’
‘I am reminded of the last person I worked with, who asked whether I had contacted them since to ask why. I said I hadn’t, and she responded “Why? Because you’re too angry?” And you know how long I spent trying to get her to understand what had happened.’
‘Yes. It’s not imperative that I have a full understanding, obviously I need to have some understanding…I’m thinking about the timeline days.’ We laughed.
‘I take comfort in the facts, because then I don’t have to feel the feelings.’
I began to talk about the difference between the way that information was communicated to me about Chris and about Kim.
‘In the week leading up to Chris’…’ I paused. ‘I need to say it, but I can’t.’

‘It’s almost like there’s a wall that you come up against.’
‘In the time leading up to Chris’ death, one of my big fears was that there would come a point where I would not hear anything again, and would have to infer.’
‘Due to the mode of communication?’

‘Yes. That wasn’t how it happened, but…Can you please move?’

‘Of course, I’ll just grab a cushion.’ R sat down and held my hands.

‘There is a world of difference between ‘Dear friends…’ and an announcement, and ‘We didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘That comes up for me every time. Stop there a minute. How do you feel right now?’
‘Physically, my shoulders feel tight, there’s a heaviness in my chest, and a strange feeling in my stomach.’
‘Do you want to take some deep breaths, just as we are right now, and see what happens to those feelings?’

We did so. R instructed me to try and let my shoulders drop with each exhale. I reported that the feeling had moved into my stomach.
‘I did not have to go through this. I did not deserve this.’
‘Is that anger?’

‘Yes. Each time something happened, bar the last time, she recovered. I did not get that chance.’
‘I’m going to use a term here that I don’t think I have used before. Emotional manipulation.’
‘Yes, I have been looking for that one.’
‘You were trapped in a situation for which you did not have the capacity.’
‘I thought about walking away on a monthly basis, but I always thought ‘Whatever you are feeling, what they’re going through is ten times worse.’ In my reading, I have come across trauma bonding, and that seems to make sense.’
‘Yes’
‘I felt like it was me in that bathroom. Like you said last week, that became the focal point. Even after she died, it wasn’t over.’ I felt R’s grip tighten. ‘I felt like I was bouncing from disaster to disaster.’

‘I am very visual as you know, and that gives me a really clear sense. One disaster is huge, so to go from one to the next…’
We talked about how we can’t know what it would have been like if I had walked away. There is a chance that I would still have experienced some difficult times.
‘Being me, I don’t think I could have walked away.’
‘Listen to that – being who you are.’
‘There was still an element of choice.’ We talked about intention, and I made the point that I cannot know others’ intentions. The bathroom scene remains the sticking point. I talked about facing it head on, but I don’t know what that means. It still has an emotional charge.
‘You seem to get so far, and then you stop yourself… “It didn’t happen!” Something happened to you, Lost. And that had an impact.’
I didn’t speak for a few seconds. ‘I can feel you processing that. I feel your anger, but I don’t feel like it was directed at me.’

R and I scheduled for next week, but will have a two week break thereafter.

I went, but boy was it hard getting myself there. I was physically present at the beginning of our 7:00 am session, but the rest of me didn’t show up til mid-session. Anyway, when I first got there he was looking out a hallway window (for me?) and had earbuds in. He turned around, saw me and said he needed just a minute. He went into his office while I sat in the waiting room. It was only about 60 seconds but during that time I was plotting my escape. If he had closed his office door or had taken any longer I seriously might have bolted.

Once I entered his office and sat down in my usual spot on the couch we ended up sitting in silence for close to 15 minutes. I just didn’t feel like talking but felt awkward because I also wasn’t trying to send the message that I was angry. I think I was emotionally drained from the effort of just getting myself there. Silences with T are not too uncomfortable, and he did try to start conversations twice, but I just nodded or shrugged. Eventually I forced myself to talk. We started to talk about my son and his mental health issues and I said that was what brought me to therapy. At one point I was going on about how I have tried so hard and have the best of intentions but my son doesn’t see that I’m trying to help him. In fact, he just sees me as controlling. Without skipping a beat, and with the slightest grin, T responded, “I know how that feels.” It took me a second to understand what he was trying to say, and then I said I’m different than my son. He talked about how I want my son to be engaged but that I also want that for myself. How I want to feel happy but engaged, sad but engaged, angry but engaged. I said something about what he said not being helpful and he replied, “It may not feel good, but I think it’s helpful.” He may actually be right. I’m still processing it all.

T acted kinda weird today. I wasn’t changing how I was acting or anything. So I didn’t think it was me. Maybe she just had a lot on her mind from the weekend. I didn’t really take it personally. She just seemed distracted today.

ugh why am I like this?
I had called T last week and during today's session I paid for the call. The call was only 3 minutes long. T expressed, as she has before, that she doesn't expect a client to pay for a short call. I told her I prefer to pay as it keeps things clear for me.

Afterwards I texted T and told her that I will always want to pay for a call as I dont ever want her doing me a favour or doing anything like she "cares"

I cant seem to help myself

Update

She replied and said she does care about me and my life, she also respects my boundaries and understands the need to pay. She just wanted me to be aware that others did not so that I did not find out and feel ripped off. She said she hopes we can continue to discuss all of this.

So reasonable, ugh, The worst lol

T Monday. I'd emailed him after our last session (Thursday) to say that I'd felt really disconnected from him in session and that I think it was due to my holding back because he's going out of town next week. In his reply, he'd said that he'd noticed it as well, and it would be best to discuss in person.

T was 6 minutes late to get me, which is unusual for him. He apologized and said he had some sort of "scheduling error" that led him to run over. Went back and sat down. I said I knew we had to discuss some stuff from the email. He asked me to talk about what I was feeling more. I said how I'd felt both disconnected from him and from myself during the last session. And I'd had a similar experience the last session before he went away last time. He said it sounded like I was trying to protect myself. I agreed but said that last time it kind of backfired. Because then it felt like I wasn't connected to him for a longer stretch of time, not just while he was away.

I said I found it interesting that he'd noticed I was disconnected Thursday, too, and asked what he'd observed. T: "I'm concerned you might be offended by this." Me: "OK..." T: "But usually, you're very engaging. Our sessions go by quickly for me. But Thursday, I felt bored. I found that I kept looking at the clock." Me: "Interesting." T: "I didn't say anything because I thought maybe it was me, that I was tired, that I hadn't eaten enough at lunch or something. But then when you sent the email, I realized maybe it wasn't just me."

I said that sounded like a countertransference reaction, that he was reacting to how I was presenting myself. Because I had felt disconnected not just from him but from what I was saying. He said that I was talking about stuff that seemed on topic, so he wasn't sure why he was reacting as he was. And that's why he didn't say anything. I said if he noticed feeling that in the future, could he say something? Me: "I promise not to keep asking you every session if I'm boring you. But if I sense something feels off to me, I might mention it." T: "OK!"

I said I wasn't sure how to avoid the disconnected feeling, that it's not like I wanted to open up some can of worms in the session before he goes away, whether about me or the therapeutic relationship. But I also wouldn't want to do all small talk sort of stuff. He said I should try to figure out what it is that I need from him in that session and let him know. I said I'd think about it. That maybe we needed to spend the last 15 minutes more focused on connection or reassurance or maybe strategies for the next week, I wasn't sure.

Me: "I think I need to just be open about what I'm feeling." T: "OK." Me: "So, OK. Something that I feel awkward talking about. You've said before how having regular therapy sessions seem to help me manage life. So it makes sense that I'd miss them when you're away. But...I'm seeing R (backup T) twice next week, so it's the same number of sessions. So it's clearly not *just* about having therapy. It seems more that I'm going to miss *you* in particular. And, I feel awkward saying that." (I couldn't look at him.)

T: "What do you think it is specifically that you'll miss about me?" Me: "Uh...I tend to have trouble articulating this sort of thing. It's like--I know I told you about this--when ex-MC asked me to tell H why I loved him. Or if someone were to ask me why I love my daughter or a friend. Sorry I keep using the word 'love'... Uh, I guess for what I'd miss from you: feeling safe. Feeling understood." T: "I was thinking of the word 'safe,' too." Me: "Yeah, safe. And I guess...cared for. Though, I mean, I have other people who care about me, too, so..."

Somewhere in there, T referred to the "bond" I had with him. I'm not sure he'd used that particular term before? But it seemed to fit. I said that's part of what made seeing R different. How I know her a bit better now that I've had two sessions with her, and feel more comfortable with her, but it's not like she knows me anywhere near how well he does. T agreed but said now that I've become more comfortable with her, maybe I'll start looking forward to him going away so I'll have a chance to see her. Me: "Uh, maybe!"

Me: "Also...I feel awkward sharing this, too. But...this is like something coming from my child part, I guess. Not that you really do work with parts or anything." T: "I like fried chicken. That comes in parts." Me [kinda laughing, thinking of a part to use--thigh? no. breast? nope!!!]: "Well, my wing part says..." T smiled. Me: "OK, so the adult part of me knows that you deserve a vacation. But it's like the child part of me is thinking, 'No, don't leave me!' I hope that's not too strange of me to share." I glanced at him nervously, and he seemed accepting. T (in a caring tone): "No, not strange." Me: "OK, good."

T: "You did mention in your email, too, that you weren't trying to make me feel guilty for taking time off." Me: "Yeah, because I know intellectually--maybe that's what the adult part is--that you get to have a vacation. That you have a life. And taking time off makes you a better therapist." T: "Self-care." Me: "Yes." T: "LT, you don't need to say all those things to me, like about my deserving a vacation." Me: "Yeah, I know...." T: "I can take care of my own feelings around those things." Me: "Yeah...And I know we need to stop. But I think it helped me to talk about all this." T: "Good!"

We were a little over time, but he'd also gotten me late. Scheduled for when he'd be back. Went over, threw out my pile of tissues from crying, and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Have a good week." Me: "You, too." T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

It definitely helped me to talk about everything, to get some of that stuff out, awkward though it was. And to have him seem so accepting. And, OK, there's also this part of me that feels good that he usually finds me engaging.

Today’s session was intense. R came in and sat down, then asked me how I was doing.
“Let’s do this bit first.” I handed her payment.
“Thank you, tea ready – you spoil me.”
“Let me concentrate on this a moment…” I picked up my own drink, shaking slightly, and put it down. “I’ll leave that.”
“…On second thoughts, no.”
“If that doesn’t sum up this week…I’ve felt like a turtle without a shell.”
“Exposed is the word that comes to mind.”
“Exactly. I have written a piece I would like to share which will clarify a few things.” I then read the new poem.
“What stands out to me there is ‘looking for pain relief’, and talking about writing about it directly.”
“I have started trying to write about it.”

“Can I ask what’s brought that on?”

“Whilst doing work on narrative structure with the young people at work, I have begun to see narrative structure in the experience I am living. I think I am writing about it to try and understand it. I don’t want to know why, but I want to know how.”
“So you’re bringing stuff from work over here?” R highlighted the fact that I’ve been writing all the way through, “But this seems like a new way of doing things. When we talk, you have these sessions, but once I’m gone, there’s just your memory of this. It sounds like you’re taking control of the experience by writing about it.”
“Yes. I have a new version of the timeline, and I have reached the part which has always been a sticking point.”

“I knew you were going to say ‘timeline’ then.”
“As I have been writing, I have noticed the anger coming up alongside the experience.”

“Please can you clarify?”

“Point one: I am angry that this happened. Point two: I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen. Point three: I am angry that they did not care.”

“That is some really good awareness. You’re angry and you have listed reasons why.”
R went on to say that she feels as though I am holding onto it tightly, and asked me why.

“Are you holding onto it for fear of what letting it out might do to you, or what it might do to other people?”

I confirmed that it was the latter. “Because of all you’ve been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but...Because of all you’ve been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but… Because of all you’ve been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…”

“Shall I move?”

“Yes, please. Because of all you’ve been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…”

“How do you feel when you recall that? Is that anger, or…?”

“It is the shock of cold water.”

“Indignation. Why the **** would somebody do that?”

“It was barely eighteen months after Chris…” R squeezed my hand. “It was barely eighteen months after Chris’ death. As well as that was handled, it is allowed to be awful?”

“Yes.”
“June 2007, I had just got home from a family funeral, and I received the email that her fiancé had…you know, but not just that. So much detail I did not need.”

“It sounds as though the realisation that they did not care is new to you?”

“Yes.”

“When you gave everything. You were at your limit already, and you gave.”

“I hate making comparisons, but the way in which Chris’ death was handled was so different.”

We talked about how I feel that the whole situation is preventing me from being the person I want to be. “I want to be able to be there for people, and it wasn’t a conscious thought before, but now I find myself thinking “What are they going to need from me?”’
R talked about how self compassion is something I am not alone in struggling with. She also struggles with this.

“And you don’t have that to give. When you talk about this time in your life, I picture you living in survival mode. Just got to get through to the next thing…”

“It’s not supposed to be a way of life,” I replied “And I imagine it is quite difficult to feel fulfilled when you are in survival mode.”

“That depends on your definition of fulfilment. It can be difficult to find love or meaningful relationships.”

“I enjoy work because I don’t have to think about any of this.”

“Do you feel fulfilled at work, Lost?”

“Yes.” We then talked more about Chris.

“This sounds horrible, but you know what I mean. I am glad that Chris did not live to see me like this.”

“Is that a bit of shame there?”

“Yes. I have just had a realisation that may be a starting point for next time rather than right now.”

“Stop there and think a minute about whether you want to go there now, or if you can hold it as we have a break.”

“The phrase that keeps coming up for me is ‘compassionate mirror’ I’ll work on a better way of explaining that for next time.”

“What I understand by that is that she brought out the best in people?”

“And who does that now? This is why I didn’t want to go there now…I don’t know how to do this…” I began to cry before I could finish my sentence.

“Do you want a hug?”

“Yes, please.” R held me as I wept. Once I had finished, she passed me my tissues.

“I don’t want to set you off again, but with a loss like that, it is possibly not just the person. It’s something like a part of you.”

“Something traumatic must have happened – I mean, look at what happened with the cup….Funny how things come full circle, with the way things started today.”

“When you said, I wondered – were you talking about today? I am a bit out of the counsellor role now, but you are doing it.”
“It’s about understanding what has been broken, so I can rebuild. Grief is not just one thing.”

“Be kind to yourself today. Self-compassion and kindness.”

R reiterated that I can email over the break if I need to.

I cried for 30 mins as soon as we started after hello.

He tried though- but he didn't need to say anything just be there.

"talk to me"

I couldn't.

I did my usual thing at the end though. " Maybe I won't come back after you return." after telling him that I was reading the book understanding the borderline mother which broke them down into 4 categories and had a quote from a shrink I liked. but he suggested 4 years treatment 3-4 times a week as a minimum, but most recovery took 6-10 years. and that I didn't want to be in therapy for that long. That i had nothing to live for.

Lemon im surprised i dont know this book. Two of my favorite guys wrote blurbs for it, masterson and giovacchini.

I didnt want to be in therapy either, but i felt it was that or i wasnt gonna make it. I would advise you embrace the serenity prayer. I wish i had known it much sooner in life.

I'm gonna send you a pm.

Session Thursday, last one before T's vacation. He was wearing his glasses, which always throws me a bit (he typically wears contacts). Went back and sat down.

Spent the first 25 minutes talking about stuff with my D. I said how it's great that she's doing pretend play now (she's on the autism spectrum), but that I'm never sure how to take part in the pretend play with her (I was never too good with it as a kid myself, and usually my friend led it).

T gave some suggestions, talking about how play therapy is done--"that was basically a 5-minute summary of play therapy." As part of that, he gave examples of ways I could jump in and follow her lead while also working some on social skills. Like I mentioned her doing pretend cooking camp (which she'd been in last week), acting as the instructor for a couple Lego figures. T said I could try to bring in a stuffed animal, and, in a voice like he was pretending to be the animal, said, "Bunny wants to eat, too!" And a couple other examples using that voice. It was quite endearing (hello, paternal transference, how have you been?).

I made some comment about how maybe it just seemed like I was rambling about her but that it was really helpful what he was saying and was stuff I could apply to my life right now. T: "Well, your D is probably the most important thing in your life right now." Me: "Good point." I didn't say this at the time, but think I just get in my head sometimes that therapy is supposed to be talking about stuff from the past and having these huge insights. So if I'm talking about current stuff, it seems like I'm not doing the real work. When in reality, I think it needs to be a mix of both.

With about 20 minutes left, T said, "I want to make sure we talk about next week." I said I was going to say that, too. He said he wanted to make sure I felt OK about the two appointments next week with R, because I'd expressed before that I felt bad for taking two sessions. I said I just didn't want to take too much time from other clients. T: "Like me, this is how she makes her living. If she wasn't OK with it, she wouldn't have offered it." Me: "That's what I'm telling myself. That I need to take her at her word." I said how he's helped me learn to do that more with people in general. Me: "But I feel that I've had a lot of people in my life who weren't honest with me about things, like if I did something that bothered them, they wouldn't tell me until later." T: "Well, that's on them then, not you. If you check in with them and they say everything's fine, you did all you could do."

I said something about trying to be what people wanted, because it feels like there would be less of a chance of abandonment. T: "But if you do that, then where's LT? If you're just trying to meet other people's expectations of you, where are you in all of that?" Me: "Hm...I guess I hadn't thought of it in quite that way..."

His vacation came up again. I mentioned how the first time he'd gone away (like 4 months into my seeing him), he was confused as to how I could miss him. He said how at the time, we hadn't known each other that long so he didn't understand why I would miss him. But later he realized that it wasn't so much about him but about his role to me. I said how now it isn't just about his role, but him in particular. He said how we've been seeing each other twice a week for close to a year and a half (and then once a week before that), so we know each other much better now.

Me: "I remember how once you said that I couldn't care about you because I didn't know you. Where I said how I don't know my neighbors well either, but care about them." T: "I think the only thing you don't know about me at this point is my full autobiography. You know who I am as therapist. You know my sense of humor. My particular way of turning a phrase." Me: "That you're a fashionable dresser." T (laughing): "OK, your comment just took it over the top." I was laughing, too. It was a nice little connected moment.

We scheduled for when he gets back. Me: "I was going to say that I'll try not to email you, but I think it's better if I just see what happens." T: "That's exactly what I was going to suggest."

I went over and paid. Shook hands as T said, "Enjoy!" followed by "Good luck." Me: "Thanks. I would say to have a good trip, but I guess I don't even know if you're going anywhere, so I guess I should just say to have a good vacation." I started crying. Like not just tearing up, full on crying. Me: "I need to go get a tissue." I walked over the tissue box and grabbed one, saying, "I'm sorry." T (caring voice): "It's OK, LT." I wiped my eyes and threw the tissue away. T: "I'm glad you were able to talk to me about all of your concerns." Me: "I'm glad you were so accepting of them." T (warmly): "Take care of yourself." Me: "You too."

I was feeling a bit sad when I left, but I also felt connected to him, which had been my goal. He didn't give me anything written, which I'd mentioned a week or two ago, then mentioned again Monday, so I assume he forgot. But I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want it to be awkward, and it really isn't *that* big of a deal. I guess I just sorta hoped he'd hand me something right before I left (I'd just asked for a sentence or two of encouragement, not like a novel). But it's OK. I have the (original) stone and backup T.

I had a pretty good session today. We talked about my sleep problems for a good chunk of the time since she seems to be really concerned about them. We talked about my hours getting cut and she does seem to think it was because I told them I had a disability. She said I was being very quiet today but she wasn’t bothered by it. She didn’t mention my weight at all and I was worried she would because I lost another pound since I saw her a week ago and I think it’s starting to get more noticeable. After she said I was being quiet I told her I don’t talk that much in general but that I am part of an online mental health site (PC but I didn’t tell her the name) and I talk a lot on there. She asked quite a few questions but again didn’t seem visibly bothered that I come on this site several times a day and have over 8 thousand posts. I was happy with how the session went.

I melted all over everything.

I cried for almost the entire hour about all of the things I am mad about and grieving about and afraid of, because I feel vulnerable and scared and lonely.

A snippet:
T- You planned for this for a long time, and now you're going through it and it's hard.
Me- I did. You're right. Except I did not anticipate feeling like this. I didn't plan for it. It's too hard. I don't think I can do this.

My eyes are still burning, I cried so much.

T Session Yesterday:

I paid the receptionist and made another appointment. Then I sat in the waiting room for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. When T came to get me from the waiting room, she said how happy she was to see me. She said it had been a trying day and she was happy to see me. I didn’t know how to take that exactly. I mean, I was glad that she was happy to see me, but I also felt like, I didn’t want to make her day harder. I tried to brush off those feelings, or insecurities, and just let myself go to therapy for what I needed to be there for and to trust that she could handle it. But it was in the back of my mind at least for the first part of the session.

She asked how I was, and I said I was so-so. She filled out her paperwork and then paused and asked me, “What does so-so mean?” So, I told her that I had SH-ed 10 days ago. That I hadn’t made it to the end of the month like I had planned on doing. She said, “So, you start again.” I was going to talk to her about the battery thing, but she asked me what else was going on, and how work was going.
So, I told her work was going okay. That I had gotten irritated with a coworker about two weeks ago. A salesman who thought he should get the commission on the sale instead of another salesman. I administer commission, but I am not in charge of assigning the commission. I told him he needed to talk to the owner. He had persisted in talking to me about why he should get the commission. I don’t know, but I got the impression that he wanted me on his side. I don’t take sides. It’s not my money to take sides with. He continued to talk to me about it three times, and I continued to give him the same advice, to talk to the owner. Eventually he did, and the owner decided to give both salesman the commission on the sale. I was pleased that I was able to get irritated (though it was painful at the time) because we are working on anger and me being able to feel anger at someone other than myself. Irritation isn’t exactly anger but it’s on the right track.


I brought up the battery thing. She said, “But you didn’t, right?” And I said that I had tried but that I hadn’t and that I am still having thoughts about it. She said I can’t put the battery in my arm because then I would have to get surgery to remove it (I’m skeptical there). That batteries are hazardous, and they can’t go in bodies. (I’m less skeptical about that.) She said they can’t suture it into me like I think they can. I told her I still felt like trying to do the battery thing, that it hadn’t left my mind just because I tried it and couldn’t get it to work right. She let the subject drop, but I did bring it up a couple of times.

We talked about artwork. I’ve done a few pieces of artwork since I have seen her last. Probably 5 pieces of artwork. I used to be really artistic but sometimes when a person is depressed, they lose interest in what they like to do. And I thought that was what was going on with me. So, I showed her two of the pieces. She really liked one I did which was of a cross and then I had done the background to look like a stained-glass window. The other one was abstract, just black and white. I told her that drawing x’s was soothing for me. She had encouraged me to draw mandalas the last time I saw her, so I told her I had drawn two and I had noticed a pattern of tears in the mandalas. I went on to explain that I don’t cry much but I had cried a lot this past weekend when I watched a really sad movie with my friend. I cried so much that I gave myself a migraine. She said, “So you can cry when something is removed from you, but not when it’s about yourself?” And I agreed with her assessment.

She asked me how I came to see a psychiatrist in the first place. (The psychiatrist I see is in the same office as her. I used to see a different psychiatrist there and then when he moved, I began seeing the new guy that they brought in that I like much more.) I told her that I had seen a therapist when I was very young for a little while. Then when I was older, a woman at my Church was worried about me and she and another woman who was a social worker did a sort of intervention on me and talked to me about going to therapy. The social worker found me my former T who I saw for 10 years. I started seeing my psychiatrist because my PCP insisted, I get a psych eval because of the SH and because she thought I was very anxious and acting oddly in her office. I never exactly got a psych eval. She wrote on the referral depression and anxiety. When I went to see the PDOC he asked me if I had those and I said yes. I think there’s supposed to me more to it than that. Over the years, my therapists have been the ones to diagnose me with various things.


We went back to the battery thing. She asked me how old I felt when I SH. I said pretty young around 8 or 9 because that is when I started to SH by . She said, “And your parents didn’t notice?” And I said no. By the time I “graduated” to cutting I just started wearing long sleeves (I live in the desert where the Summers are easily triple digit so it should have been a red flag that something was up, but my parents ignored the signs). She asked how my parents found out. I told her that when I was 19, my Mom came into the bathroom where I was changing, and she saw the scars on my arm. My T asked me what my parents did at that point. I said well, they packed my bag, called a hospital, was told that I wasn’t suicidal and therefore didn’t need to go to the hospital, unpacked my bag and that was it. T said, “They didn’t ask you what you needed? They didn’t ask you to come talk to them before you SH-ed? They didn’t tell you they were sorry you were in pain?” I said, “Nope. It just got swept under the rug.”


We talked about my sister’s visit and why I don’t trust my brother in law. We talked about my hallucinations. How those children that I see are parts of me that need attending to, that they just shouldn’t be ignored. We talked about former T and how I did good work with her on reducing SH and also on the hallucinations, so I could tell what was a hallucination and what wasn’t. We talked about how I haven’t heard an audio hallucination in a while.


She told me that I am a sweet and compassionate person. That I treat everyone with kindness except myself. She said that the love I pour on my kitties, should be how I treat me. We talked about how I am looking at SH the wrong way. That I shouldn’t be looking at it like I am giving something up, but that I am gaining other stuff. (I’m not sure what I would be gaining, but mental health pops to mind, maybe stability.) She asked me what self-care things I could do to help myself when I want to SH. So I told her about what I do that is self-care like how I have the weighted blankets but right now it’s a bit hot for that. She leaned close to me and said, “Yeah, that’s a B****.” She kept calling me the wrong name. It’s a version of my name, but my legal name is usually a nickname for a longer name, and she kept calling me the longer name which really isn’t my name. I wanted to correct her, but I didn’t. It wasn’t that important. I knew she was talking about me. And to me. Even if she uses the wrong name.


She asked me to write with my right hand things that I feel like as a child, and then with my left hand write an answer to that child. That I need to be the parent to myself that I needed. We talked about the relationship with my grandma and how I was close to her and then my relationship with my adopted grandma which was the first person to bring to my attention that my Mom is too harsh on my sister and me, and she asked me how it was growing up. And T said, “And you protected your Mom?” And I said, “Of course, she’s my Mom.”


There’s probably a few more things I have forgotten, but at the end, T who was wearing black flowers in her hair, I told her I liked the flowers, and I told her that she’s like Alice in Wonderland. T said, she was going to take that as a complement. As I left, she said, “I’ll see you soon.” And I said, “Thanks, T.”

I went in thinking I needed to be angry with him for saying "do you want to do an hour next week?" as I was leaving (we have been doing 90 minutes) and I told him I didnt like the way he handled it, that if he wanted to go back to an hour he needed to tell me, and do it in session, properly. He said he only said that because he thought I had said I wanted to go to an hour when the kids get off school. I said no, it is the opposite, I want 90 minutes BECAUSE the kids are off school and I dont have time for two sessions. He was like "Oh! I misunderstood!" and I wasn't angry anymore. He said I could still be angry - he handled it badly, but I was just like "I'm not though!". He said it dissipated curiously quickly.

I told him I was feeling better than last week, and that last session had helped, because he let me be despairing. He did the usual therapisty thing of telling me it wasn't him that should take the credit, it's me.

I talked about something that I am doing at work which means I'm getting a lot of flak. He said that I am resilient, because I have a strong sense of who I am, and even of I wobble, I return to it, my sense of self is solid, so I am a good person to be doing this, but that doesnt negate my vulnerability. I said I am sad that some people don't like me because of what I am doing (especially people who I like and respect) but I know what I am doing is right and I said confidently "and actually, I like myself.".

T asked what it was like to say that. I said it makes me feel secure, like I have my own back. I don't think I would have said that before. T said no, I wouldn't have said it 4 years ago. I said I think he likes that I said it. He said yes, he likes that I said it and that I really believe it. I said that therapy has helped me like myself, empathise with myself and even with my past self, my teenage part that I hated so much for so long. I can see why I behaved the way I did as a teenager now. I understand why I was how I was.

I started to talk about my deceased ex (which I have been doing a lot lately - I was with him aged 16-18) and how much I feared him when he was alive, and how his death had allowed me to grieve all the good parts, years and years after I last saw him. I said how upset I was about his death is in sharp contrast to my mother. I came to therapy to grieve her death but years later and I never have. I said that the more I have talked about my childhood in therapy, the more she has become a symbol of everything that was wrong with it and less I see her as a whole person.

Then I realised something- my self acceptance is in reverse correlation to my acceptance of my mother. The more therapy has taught me to accept myself, the less I have been able to accept her. And so... I think the self hatred I have always felt growing up and onto adulthood was a necessary defence so I could think of my mother as acceptable. Because your mother being unacceptable is an existential threat as a child. It was safer to not accept myself than to not accept my mother. Wow! That's the biggest lightbulb moment in literally years!

So now I need to figure out how I can view her acceptability as independent of my own acceptability. That has been the barrier to grieving and that's what I need to work on. That felt huge.

So that pretty much took the whole 90 minutes. He squeezed me tight and we said see you next week.

So today I discovered that my T has been a little deceptive to me in the past. Not lying, technically, but deceptive.

I'm changing the subject matter, but a while ago I recall a conversation like this:
At the time I thought that was a slippery answer, like maybe he was and didn't want to say so, but the topic was not very important to me so I let it go. Today, however, T said something like "Back in college when I was vegan..." Which makes me think that, at least at one time, "not eating meat" was very important to him, and combined with the other conversation I wonder if it still is... It's not a big deal, really, but I find myself a little bothered by the lack of openness about it. I guess I'll have to bring it up next week.

In session today I told T I didn't want her to care, that it felt dangerous for her to say those words to me. I only realised later that getting angry and then expressing that anger was new for me. Usually I just stay quiet and go with whatever someone else says. That realisation scared me more because it means actually I might trust her more than I think.

Sessions are too short when you let too much time go by between visits. Therapy is difficult enough without emotional baggage built in. Family therapy is less fulfilling than I expected and much more difficult. My mother wants only to demonstrate impatience and discipline, and cares little about mending our relationship. My father has emotionally abandoned me. There seems to be no answer, in hopelessness and helplessness.

It went fine today for the most part. She didn’t give me a hard time about calling into work today. We talked about my PMDD and that this time it was pretty bad. I think maybe this time I was more anxious about things that happened in my past. Which I am not usually. She understood when I told her that I think about stuff like this when I am PMSing. But it was fine today except she asked me if I wear leggings and I get kinda annoyed at those types of questions. But I get more sensitive to casual questions with PMDD. So she probably didn’t mean anything.

Saw T for the first time in three weeks last Friday, he'd been gone on vacation.

At first I almost had as much energy as a little kid who's excited and had a stupid grin because I was so happy to see him.
We briefly discussed my job, which has been going okay. Then mentioned that my partner has stopped going to therapy (he has Asperger's syndrome), T wondered what partner thought about not seeing his therapist anymore (it was kind of sudden, she's moving or something). I told him he doesn't care a whole lot and T pointed out how that was very different to what my reaction would be if he were to move.

Then went into more detail of the weeks when he'd been gone. A professor I know got fired and it was all over the news. Since it was connected to bullying, which had given me some intrusive memories.
He asked about Wednesday, whether I had felt like calling him (as I often do). I answered that I'd been doing okay and felt like I could go two more days without hearing from him.

Talked some more about what I'd been up to, met some friends, went to the cinema.

At some point I went quiet, he asked what I was thinking about.
I decided to tell him that I've been wanting to discuss a certain 'fantasy' I have while going to sleep for a while now. It involves . He said that's maybe important to talk about. He asked what his role was in that fantasy. I told him he talks to me, sees that nobody disturbs me, protects me. He understands.

He asked whether it's not also important for him to say that I shouldn't do it, whether that wouldn't be a good thing? I replied that I already know that and don't need somebody to tell me. He said it's still important to hear it over and over again. He mentioned how it could get infected, leave scars. Then he asked what else there is that's not just something that every doctor on Earth should tell me.

I said he should have empathy and ask why it happened. T wanted to know whether he'd not done that to a sufficient degree in the past. At first I said I couldn't remember, but after some discussion we agreed that he probably hadn't.
We also discussed the fact that people probably feel more inclined to say something about self-harm than about for example smoking. Smoking might hurt you in a similar way, but it's accepted by society, so people don't feel they can tell you to stop doing it.

I told him the topic made me sad. He suggested that we change the subject, but I said no. So, he asked what made me uncomfortable about it, which was that I felt like I can't be myself completely sometimes. I have to think about what I wear, especially when I meet my parents. T told me it's okay to have secrets and to not tell everything to everyone, especially your parents.

He also told me about a nurse he used to work with who had lots of scars and didn't hide them, even though it was obvious what they were. I reminded him that I do normally wear whatever I want, even though I'm uncomfortable with it, for example I'll try to not put my legs in any position where scars are too well visible. T asked what I'd do if a friend saw and asked what it was, so I told him about one occasion where somebody had asked me whether I'd cut myself as a joke. T suggested that I could just say yes to such a question, depending on who asked. Of course not with everyone, but if it's a person I feel comfortable with.

I cried a lot. At some point T asked whether I wanted a tissue and got up to get one.
I apologized for constantly forgetting to bring tissue myself, probably a habit from childhood, I never cried with tissues as a child. T said that everything gets wet if you do that, in a rather sad voice. He asked for the reason. I used to not want my parents to notice anything about how I was doing, especially not if I was crying. T already knows this, but still asked his usual question of what would have happened had I shown emotions around my parents, which I still do not know, due to the lack of experience. We briefly touched on one occasion where I'd cried in front of my parents, when one of my pets died, and how my mom and dad barely even seemed sad.

T let me calm down a bit before telling me his availability during the week and saying goodbye.