In Session Today: Part VI

T session Friday night: I went to see T. I made an appointment and actually got appointments made for all of Sept and the first part of October. I guess now that I've been going a year they decided they might put me on a sort of schedule. I was pretty psyched about that. It made me feel less anxious.


T came and got me. I sat in my usual chair. I waited for her for a couple of minutes, I assume she was going to the bathroom, but maybe she was taking a call or something, IDK. So I sat in the room by myself, looking at the art on the walls. Summoning the courage to tell her what I needed to tell her.


She came in and sat down. She asked me how I was. I told her it had been a tough week, particularly Tuesday and Wednesday. I had been very suicidal. All this I told to T. So she did a risk assessment, which I assumed would happen. She asked me if my friend needed to put the gun away so I didn't use it and I shook my head no. I was feeling better enough that I know I wouldn't use it to harm myself. She said, "Well you made it. You're here." I don't know if that was supposed to be encouraging, but it wasn't. I was still kind of suicidal but it wasn't the active part. I felt like the pain of the past couple of days was discounted. I described to her how I had done some self protective measures, spending time with friends, etc. I explained that there was a push and pull inside of me that was fighting for and against me. I did the things I didn't want to do (spend time with friends) because I knew it would be good for me. T was like, "Yeah but you were able to do those things." So I felt like because I didn't lay in bed and self harm and do poor choices that the pain wasn't taken seriously. I thought but did not say, I thought you were supposed to ask for help when you needed it. I told T that I had thought about going to the hospital but discounted the idea because I really didn't think they would help me. She said, "They will give you stiff sheets and rotten food, but you will be alive." That wasn't encouraging.


She wants to know what is so painful that I don't want to be here. It's hard because I don't really know. My depression is just like this sometimes. It falls into a very dark place and I have to try very hard to climb out of that dark place. She said, what emotions are you running from? I told her I didn't know. We talked about how I feel I'm bad. She doesn't think I am. She told me to tell her the bad things I've done. So I told her the things I did as a child that I would get in trouble for. I know intellectually these things aren't bad. But when you get in trouble 24/7 as a child, you tend to think you're bad. She asked me who else besides her thinks I'm good. I told her one of my friends. She said, "Is that all?" I said yep.


We talked about how I didn't self harm which she thought was a very good thing. I made a rational decision to not cut myself. I remembered what she said about gaining something by giving up self harm, and what I have figured out that I would gain was emotional stability. I told her it's hard to think that way when one is suicidal because one is not stable when one is suicidal but I thought that self harming on top of it would make me more unstable and I didn't want to be that way. T seemed to approve.


Something was missing in the session. I needed her to be more empathetic that I had been through some tough days. I mean, they were really tough for me. I wanted her to not dismiss my suicidal thoughts just because I was able to take care of myself but to address them besides just doing a risk assessment. I think the risk assessment was important but I just feel like the stress and stuff that I went through didn't count because I made good choices. It was almost like being punished for making good choices. Maybe its a difference in style. Former T would have said, I'm sorry you felt so bad. What can we do to help ensure that doesn't happen in the future? Former T would have said, "I wish you would have reached out to me in your moments of severe pain." But this T is not former T.


I need to journal to get my thoughts and emotions settled. I see T on the 19th which isn't that far away and I'd like to have something to read to her that expresses how I feel--once I figure out how I feel. I just feel like the session was perfunctory and not tailored to me. I just didn't get what I felt I needed from that T session. But part of me feels like I'm being overly sensitive. I feel like T doesn't care and I know that isn't true, or at least I believe that isn't true. She did get my name wrong again. This time calling me by my last name (which is sometimes a first name) instead of using my first name. I feel let down.

I wasn’t feeling good so I didn’t have the best session. She had some pasta for lunch so the smell was making me feel really sick. She said she didn’t call me back because she didn’t get my message until Friday. Why she didn’t call me back on Friday, she didn’t say. I guess it went as good as could with me feeling like I was going to barf the whole time.

A superlative example of therapist logic. What a dodo.

I began today’s session by thanking R for her e-mail.
‘That’s OK, sorry there was a bit of a delay.’
‘Mine probably didn’t tell you anything. On Tuesday morning I woke up to a text message…’ I went on to explain the specifics. ‘the people at the bank were great, so that was dealt with. I had a day between that and the next hit.’
‘Oh?’
‘When I say I had a day between the two things, I spent it feeling disorientated and not like myself. On the Thursday, I received an e-mail from my boss. My colleague who I talked about before has handed in her notice.’ I continued ‘I drafted a reply which was more to do with the impact on the organisation, and then realized… How much of me is in that e-mail? None. So I sent a different version.’
‘How did you feel about that?’
‘I felt good – it is about the impact on the organisation, but I am gutted that she is leaving. On my first young writers’ session without my mentor, I walked into the office and she asked whether I was OK. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. She followed up with ‘Are you breathing?’

‘Sometimes people can see through our masks a bit. It sounds like she is one of those people.’

‘Work is the only place I don’t’ armour up. I don’t’ want that to be threatened, but it is going to change, at least for a while.’

‘Do you feel like you want to put a piece of armour on?’

‘Yes, I will still have my other colleague…’

I didn’t tell R that I looked at the job description, but I don’t’ drive. I talked about the wonderful experience of the last session of the summer term.
‘I hear a bit of pride from you. That makes me a bit emotional.’

‘It had the same effect on me…”Keep it together….’”
I talked about recognising that work cannot be all I need it to be. R highlighted some of the qualities I had mentioned. ‘You said that’s not living a life, but when you are at work, you are present. I am not suggesting that you go and get ten different jobs…’
‘It’s a glimpse of who I was before…’

‘Do you want me to move?’
‘Yes, please.’

‘I think I know what you are going to say. It’s OK, you can say it. I am going to name the emotion – guilt.’
‘It’s a glimpse of who I was before Chris died.’
R then asked me a question I wasn’t sure I had heard correctly. Caught off-guard I began to laugh.
‘Do I experience her at work?’

‘Yes, sorry…that was probably my poor choice of wording.’
‘I sort of do, but I wonder whether that is because I am acting in the same capacity she once did for me.’
‘Being there for others?’
R said she was struck by the contrast of me saying in session that I wanted to be there for others but lacked the capacity. Now I am doing that.’
‘There is still a line. After twelve years…’
R’s grip tightened. ‘I feel a wave of sadness coming over you.’
‘I am fighting not to let it take control.’
‘I can feel that…perhaps sit with it, what does it feel like?’
‘It feels impossibly heavy. She would not want to see me like this. Twelve years, I have grown so much, and yet I am still…dealing with something really big?’
R talked about the juxtaposition between me at work and away from work.
‘It sounds like you eave work and the gate shuts. You’re in the darkness again until next time.’
She shared an analogy about compartmentalising that one of her supervisors used in training.
‘We all have a backpack, and you get to decide how much baggage you take into every activity. You can leave things at the door, but you have to remember to pick them up on your way out.’
R talked about the level of connection she feels sitting with me rather than on the sofa. ‘I feel like something happens when I am here. We started today’s session and I thought you were just catching me up on work. You ended up going really deep.’
‘I think it’s something to do with not being alone with it. I hate touching that space.’
‘I’m only here because you asked me to be.’
We set up for next week, and I will begin with the piece of writing.

Things have gone pear-shaped with my long-term T (Liz) over the last few months, so I am now seeing a former colleague of hers (Amy) who does DBT and EMDR and has a psychodynamic orientation. I have been considering EMDR for a year or so, but I wasn't sure if it would be helpful since I don't really have any big-T trauma in my past. Liz and Amy both suspect it will be, though, and I am ready to try pretty much whatever. My goal is to get to where I can go back to Liz, but it is still an open question about when/whether that will be possible. I keep getting triggered by Liz and having these spikes of suicidal ideation, and nothing I do seems to stop it from happening. Several people in my life seem to think that I need to cut ties with Liz because they believe she is hurting me. I don't want to stop seeing Liz permanently, but I also don't think it is wise to just ignore advice from several other people who care about me and are familiar with the situation.

It helps that Amy knows Liz and has worked with her before because Amy seems to agree with me that Liz is not a bad therapist. But we also talked today about how Liz isn't omniscient, and Liz may be doing things that are hurting me without meaning to or realizing it. I am annoyed that Liz doesn't seem to have been listening to me when I tried to tell her why some of the things that she has been doing are upsetting. I think Liz and I fell right into re-enacting relational traumas from my childhood, but she can't see it. I have the sense that Liz thinks the best thing to do is to have firm boundaries and stick to them, and try as I might, I can't get on board with that. It is reassuring that I am not crazy or self-destructive for wanting to go back to Liz, and Amy clearly seems to understand how well my relationship with Liz was working before. I have always thought that it was okay if Liz sometimes makes mistakes (because she is not perfect), and maybe I can expand my understanding of the scale of her mistakes and their forgivability. There is something tantalizing about going through hell with Liz but still having the possibility for a solid resolution at the end. I have never had that in this kind of relationship; it has always ended either poorly or abruptly (through death).

Amy and I talked a little about which memories or thoughts we will use for EMDR. Amy used a clogged pipe analogy, saying that trauma memories tend to get stuck, and you have to go back to the root source of the clog or else things will just keep getting stuck. She said Liz and I were probably functioning post-rupture by pulling little pieces of hair out (gross analogy, I know) but the source of the clog deeper in the pipe hadn't moved yet, so it will keep getting backed up. The part of me that has always wanted nurturing had been coaxed out of exile by Liz, but now Liz doesn't feel safe to me anymore and I feel trapped and a little tricked for having ever started down this path with her. I feel incredibly reassured that Amy seems to have an intuitive understanding of how this is all happening.

Before I left, I was telling Amy about how I am both fascinated and irritated that my wife can read Feeling Good by David Burns when she is feeling down and improve her mood almost immediately. I said that I hate CBT because it feels so invalidating, and she snorted and said that that's exactly why CBT doesn't work for people with borderline traits, because it is so invalidating. (I don't have borderline personality disorder, but I do have a few borderline traits.) My face probably immediately turned into the heart-eyes emoji because I get so tired of hearing how CBT can fix literally anything. Nothing makes me happier than realizing I will never, ever have to talk about cognitive distortions with her.

My T explained the difference between anxiety and stress so that was good to clarify. The gist I got was that anxiety comes from inside the person (worries and "what ifs") and that it often has physical symptoms (e.g. trembling, heart racing). And that stress is caused by external factors (work/home life, other life events). I found that helpful. We also started to map out the factors contributing to my anxiety/depression/stress.

T session last night. I had a PDOC appointment before T. It was supposed to be at five but I didn't end up seeing PDOC until almost 5:45 PM. Since my appointment with T was at six I was getting a bit nervous that I was going to miss part of T's session but it worked out. T came out and got the Mom (I assume) of another client, and she saw me and she told me, "I'll be with you in a minute." Or something like that. So I nodded.


T came out and got me just a few minutes later. She had to go to the ladies room so I sat in her office. I was getting really freaked out because I was planning on telling her about some traumatic events from my early childhood. She came in and took my paperwork, and then asked me how I was. I told her I was feeling a little depressed and having some anxiety. She asked me, "How's it going?" But she sort of had her hand extended out from her body at a weird angle so I assumed she meant, "How is the SH going?" So I asked her to clarify. She said, "Well, I meant, life, but yes, that too." So I told her I had SH-ed three times since I had seen her including that morning. She just wrote it down in her notes.


She asked me what I was feeling when I had SH-ed and I said I was feeling anxious and depressed. She asked me what I was anxious about. And I said, about getting hurt and being vulnerable. She didn't get that I meant being vulnerable with her so she sort of went off on a tangent that in life sometimes we feel good about our interactions with others and sometimes we get our feelings hurt especially if we are sensitive souls like I am. I kind of took that the wrong way, like I'm too sensitive. But I tried not to be reactive about it. I tried to reframe it and think about it from her position. I don't think she meant it in a hurtful way, I was just already feeling wounded and it sort of piled on. So I was able to move forward from that pretty quick.

T asked me what I was fearful of? And I replied being hurt. And T again sort of said that it's part of life.


So I took more of the reins and said that I was anxious about telling her about some traumatic things in my childhood. T didn't say anything, so I continued and I told her x,y,z about the trauma. T still didn't say anything. So I talked a little more about the anxiety and I could feel myself dissociating a bit. I was focusing on her pen and when I do that I can make everything else sort of disappear in the room.


T asked me where I was. I said, "I just went away for a bit." T said, "Okay." Or "Just checking." She asked me that a few times during the session and that was her response after. She said she knew someone that said, "I was just popping out." And I said, that sounded very British.

We talked about my religion. How primarily it is helpful but it is not always helpful when it comes to the hallucinations. I have a Bishop (hallucination) who comes to see me who is very critical. I have a black dog (hallucination) that bites me. She seemed to think it was a little dog and might have some cute aspects. I was like, it is not cute. T asked me what it would take for me to feel safe? Maybe because I had just watched Downton Abbey over the weekend, I was like, "A castle?" T said, "And it would have a moat?" I said yes. And guards. T asked me if I could think about escaping into the castle when the dog came? I said it might work but sometimes I have trouble thinking when I am hallucinating. Thinking clearly that is. Then T asked me if I could imagine myself as being equal to other people. How I tend to put everyone else's needs, desires, preferences etc. over mine. She asked me about what I was thinking about when I was a child and the trauma stuff was happening. And I was like, "To not upset my Mom. That I wouldn't tell because my Mom overreacted. I knew that it was wrong and I constantly made myself sick to the point of throwing up over it, but the thought did not occur to me to tell my Mom because of the way my Mom reacted to things." I thought it was interesting that she didn't ask me what it felt like as a child going through some trauma stuff. But what I was thinking about. She asked me if I could practice thinking of myself as equal to other people, not worse than.

She asked me if I felt better having told her about the trauma stuff. I said no. She asked me what response I was looking for from her that I didn't get. I said I didn't know. Which was true. I just knew the non response was not the one I was looking for. T said I have been through a lot and that there have been lots of occasions where people hurt me and that I tried very hard for a very long time to keep my head above water. T asked me if I realized that. I said no. T asked me again if I felt better having told her about the trauma. I said no. I think today I do feel a little better about telling her but at the time I didn't. I was pretty dissociated so I was pretty cut off from my feelings anyway. And I was having trouble thinking.

We talked some more about the hallucinations. I said how sometimes I get confused over whether they are real or not, but how not all of them are tormenting to me. We talked about one who I frequently get mixed up with real or not real who I call the White Queen. She is nice, a big bumbly, I always think she's going to protect me but she doesn't, but it's more that she can't than that she won't. T said if the black dog was in a dream, it would symbolize some animalistic part of me that didn't get needs met, was angry, and hurting. At least I'm pretty sure that is what she said. I was having trouble staying put in my head. T asked me how long I stay in a dissociated state. I said it depended. I had SH-ed that morning so likely I would be dissociated somewhat until the next morning after I slept.


She asked me if I was okay to drive home. I said I had a cold drink in the car (which actually was lukewarm because I had been there for over two hours) and I would put the air conditioning on high. I told T I would see her on the 4th or 5th. It actually took me quite a while to get home so I might still have been more dissociated than I thought. I left at 7:17 and didn't make it home until 7:45 PM.


I guess the appointment was okay. I don't know what response I wanted from T regarding the trauma stuff but that wasn't it. She did tell me that I'm very strong. She said I might not feel strong (true) but that I am. I guess that was good. We spent more time than I had anticipated on the hallucinations. I told her I don't tell the psychiatrist about them, only the audio ones. T asked why not? I didn't tell her why not, but it's because PDOC likes me (not in a sexual way just like a person way) and I don't want him thinking anything bad about me. So I gloss over some stuff with him that I shouldn't. And I know that. They work in the same office so I wonder if T will tell him. When I went to bed last night, the black dog came and was biting me (hallucination). I couldn't feel the bites or anything more of a sensation. So I sort of wonder if that was part of me that was upset with having told a secret and was trying to punish me or something.


Comments Okay.

Oh, kitty. no wonder you are struggling. I think you need to tell your pdoc about your visual hallucinations. People - me, anyway! - like you because of your good heart and you are incredibly hardworking. You just EXUDE admirability, if thats a word. And your love of Disneyland is just so SWEET. I feel like i can accompany you on every visit. We used to BEG my parents to take us just ONCE a summer to the local amusement park. Your kitties do NOT want that black dog hanging around!

Today’s session was interesting. I had my armour on for most of it, which doesn’t usually happen with R.
‘How are you doing today?’
‘Extremely nervous.’
‘Why are you feeling nervous?’
‘Let’s pause there –that is probably the most direct I’ve ever been with you.’
‘Yes.’
‘We were going to start with a piece of writing.’

‘I have that in my diary.’

‘I have been writing throughout the experience, but I have stopped submitting pieces because I wasn’t in a position to handle ‘It’s not personal…not today, thank you.’’
‘I can understand that – if you aren’t feeling good, then that…you might call it rejection is really going to hurt.’
‘I found an opportunity recently for poems on the theme of being seen…and this was the result.’
‘Let me check I’m giving it to you the right way up.’ I handed her the sheet and waited nervously.
‘I don’t know what to say, and that is unusual for me…I’m a bit blown away. Just to check, this is about our relationship?’

‘Yes. I haven’t done anything with it yet, because I don’t want to do anything you are not happy wit. This is sacred ground for me. When I have written in the past, I have no longer been working with the person.’
‘Are you asking my permission?’

‘…Yes.’

‘Absolutely. I would be honoured to be associated with this.’
‘Thank you. I can stop stewing now.’

‘When did you write this?’

‘After that intense one a couple of weeks ago.’

‘You had it there last week, but we didn’t get around to it.’

‘It sounds stupid, but I was worried about infringing your boundaries. Once I showed you this, I was worried it would close a door between us.’

‘Close a door?’

‘End the relationship.’
‘You know I’m not likely to go “It’s not OK to write that!”’

‘I know, but I think that ties into – the words are hard today – my having difficulty in viewing the world as a safe place.’

‘Because you have been hurt?’ R reminded me of the Edith Eger quote she mentioned several sessions ago. ‘What’s the worst that can happen? Can I survive it?’

‘I have a reputation for being the person to pick up the pieces when somebody else’s life goes to ****. When I turned around and said ‘I’m really sorry, I can’t do that at the moment because…’ I did not receive the same support.’ I mentioned the friend I went out for dinner with who gave me a digital stranger danger talk and commented on how other friends knew something was affecting me, but didn’t ask.
‘Is there an “I wish they’d asked?”’

‘Yes. We suffered a collective loss in 2014, and it was decided that somebody else would speak on behalf of the group, because I might get upset.’
‘I get the impression you don’t want to be seen as fragile?’

‘At the moment I am somewhere between fragile and poorly controlled firework.’ R laughed. ‘I feel like I have been playing Whack a Mole for the last week with random surges.’
‘As you face things, like sediment, it will come to the surface.’
I continued to talk about fragility as it related to my experience leading up to Chris’ death. ‘She talked about a surgical procedure…why am I avoiding the words…this is the place where I don’t avoid the words.’

‘Do you want me to move?’

‘Yes please…’

‘I can tell when you look away. There was talk of a surgical procedure…’

‘There was talk of a surgical procedure and another ‘maybe next year’, but I knew. I didn’t say anything ot anybody at that point, because I felt as though saying it would make it real. She said ‘If you visit the board, tell them.’

‘Wow. Did you feel as though there was something different about your other conversations?’

‘Yes, this one seemed much more matter of fact, but I was the first person she’d contacted from the community. I couldn’t do that, so I messaged Jonathan and the info got out that way.’

‘It seems to me that with the kind of relationship you had with Chris, you almost didn’t need words.’
‘We talked about anything and everything, but neither of us could have imagined this.’
I talked about the difficulty of remaining in contact with Francisco, and having to navigate the complexity of their relationship. I loved her, but I think he may have been in love with her.
R talked about her sense that I miss the person I was then as well. We finished on my recognising that I am angry on Chris’ behalf also.
R asked whether I would mind if she shared the poem with her supervisor. I fumbled, but eventually managed to communicate that I wouldn’t.

Saw Amy again today. She was wearing a summery dress, and I realized on the walk back to her office that she has a fairly old-looking green tattoo on her upper back. It looked like maybe a sun? It reminded me of the time I thought I saw a tattoo (or maybe it was a tag?) on Liz's back through her sort of gauzy blouse and asked her about it. She had instinctively reached back as if to tuck a tag in, but she seemed a little caught off guard and was clearly not going to share whether she had any body art. She switched seamlessly into wondering what it would mean if she did have a tattoo, and I immediately lost interest. Remembering this awkward interaction from several months ago, I decided not to say anything to Amy. I would actually be incredibly surprised if strait-laced Liz had any tattoos, but I can kind of see Amy having had some wild, impulsive days in her youth.

I sat down on the love seat, right in the middle next to the pillow with the little triangle pattern. I told Amy that I have been wanting to see Liz again and that I went as far as scheduling an appointment. (It has been three weeks since I last saw Liz, and she didn't have any openings for another three weeks.) I told her that Liz had emailed me when she confirmed the appointment and said that she would be happy to see me again if I had talked to Amy about it and if I felt I was ready to go back. It was a little infantilizing but maybe worth asking. I told Amy that I feel conflicted because some people I really trust have been strongly discouraging me from going back to Liz. I said, "I feel like one of those people who is in an abusive relationship, where everybody else is like, 'Giiiiirl, you need to stay away from that person who is hurting you!' And I am responding by defending Liz and saying, 'No, no, you don't understand, sometimes it's really good and she can be so nice to me....'" Amy said, "Do you feel like you have a really solid grasp on what is going on between you and Liz?" I kind of laughed ruefully and said definitely not. She said that the other people in my life are responding to the pain I am in and the feelings that I am able to share with them but that she [Amy] thinks the feelings are mostly a reactivation of childhood trauma. She said it certainly isn't okay that I am being hurt like this, but it doesn't necessarily mean that my relationship with Liz is abusive. I had that uncomfortable confused feeling because it is difficult to get good advice when nobody can really understand how such a private relationship is functioning. Amy re-iterated that if we can clear up the earlier trauma that is "stuck," I will be in a better place to manage what is actually going on with Liz in the present. This is basically the same thing Amy told me last week, but it was reassuring to feel like I am not totally self-destructive by wanting to go back to Liz. I don't feel comfortable being this attached to Liz, but it kind of is what it is.

Amy said that if I want to clear out some of the earlier things, maybe we should move in that direction. This is where I took a notebook out of my bag with a 14-item list entitled "Times My Feelings Were Denied or Dismissed." I had made it over two years ago when I was trying to make sense of whether I had been emotionally neglected as a child (hard yes, as it turns out), but it seemed like it might have some good target memories for EMDR. For most of the session, Amy read the list aloud and I briefly explained each incident. It was clear that certain ones were more painful than others. When I would tear up or shut down, she would ask about what core beliefs the memory activated and where I felt things in my body. The two most promising incidents were also two of the oldest memories (which is to say, from the youngest ages).

Somewhere in here, I asked if EMDR is like Tinkerbell, where I have to believe in it for it to be a real thing. I still feel skeptical. She said she never really got into Peter Pan, which I pretended to be shocked and offended by. (I was obsessed with our VHS tape of the Mary Martin version of Peter Pan when I was a kid.) She said that she once had a client who was working through a single-episode traumatic event and cognitively understood it wasn't her fault but couldn't quite match that up with the emotions she was having. Amy said that they were able to clear up the emotional reaction with a single session of EMDR, even though the client admitted afterward that she has been really skeptical the whole time. Amy said, "The part of you that is a little wary is an important part -- it is the smart, skeptical scientist. That part is likely to get in the way a bit because it will pull you out of the moment, like, 'What is this EMDR thing? Is it even going to work?' So we will have to notice that reaction and then kind of let it step aside." I said, "At least I am being honest about my skepticism, right?" She agreed that it was a good thing. (Side note: Have I mentioned that I love all this validation she offers? Because I really do love all this validation.)

We made it all the way through the list right as time ran out. While I pulled out my phone to schedule, I mentioned that I had also written some things about the different "parts" (non-DID) to my personality, which she had suggested a few weeks ago. She seemed pleased that I had done that, so I guess we might talk about that next time. Amy suggested meeting twice next week so we can gear up for EMDR. (I think she is sensing my impatience.) So I will be seeing her on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon next week. I am not sure what is left to do before she pulls out her weird little light bar, but I think discussing coping strategies for between sessions will be part of it. Things are apparently about to get much worse before they get better, but I think I am ready to go for it.

Comments okay.

I saw my doctor yesterday and I told him everything was ok but the truth is I’ve been having these really bad anxiety stomach aches and I’ve been having a hard time eating because of them. I didn’t want to tell him because the anxiety is manageable I just struggle greatly at my job. But I let things go once I’m off work. But I’m losing a lot of weight. He didn’t say anything but I think my therapist will on Monday. My doctor is a huge pill pusher and his solution would be to put me on a medication that will cause a great amount of weight gain which I don’t want. I gain on everything except the stuff I’m on. So I just told him everything was fine. It’s really just work that is causing me anxiety.

The therapist did a good job today. Can't really say more right now, but felt like making a note of it.

Intake T,
Thank-you for trusting me.

MM

EM - I haven't been on PC much so I am not sure what's going on between you and Liz, but I just wanted to acknowledge that I've read what you wrote and say I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult.

I find myself wanting to ask - what does your own gut tell you about your relationship with Liz? I only ask this because you mention what people around you think, and what Amy thinks, but I'm not sure what you think, like, when nobody is saying anything and you don't find yourself in a defensive place, what do your instincts tell you then?

I only ask this because when I left T1, people right here on PC were saying to me that T1 wasnt doing anything wrong, and that I needed to work through it with him, and because that was what the young part wanted me to do, I really wanted to listen to that. But I couldn't, I just knew it wasnt right, and he proved later through further action that my instinct to leave had been right. Conversely when I started training, certain lecturers (and a friend) said to me that my relationship with my current T was too close, and I should find another therapist. Again, thankfully I chose to listen to my gut, not my teachers. But it is hard to make those kinds of decisions for yourself when everyone around you has an opinion. So I just want you to encourage you to continue to listen to your instincts really.

Best wishes for the EMDR - sounds like you've got some difficult terrain ahead, wishing you a journey as smooth as it can be.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment, EMr. When I am at my calmest and most centered, the idea is going back to Liz and working through things with her seems very healthy and productive. I think I am finally truly understanding transference after all this time, where I am responding to the present as though it is the past. I am hopeful that getting a different outcome this time with her will change all sorts of important things for me. But time will tell...

Ended up lying down in session for the first time ever. We had only been talking for like 15 minutes or so before I started feeling the typical signs of dissociation. I was dizzy, my vision started going blurry, and nothing felt real. I felt like I couldn’t look at him. I was having a hard time keeping my head up because of the dizziness, so he suggested that I lie down on the couch. I felt kinda weird about it but eventually did because I was so light headed and out of it. He was really sweet and handled everything well. I was speaking so softly (due to being dizzy) that he could barely hear me, so he had to pull his chair up close. He made a point to tell me every movement he was gonna do before he did it, which I appreciated as I probably would have started panicking otherwise. I’m a little embarrassed about this happening in front of him, but I guess it could have been worse. The only thing that concerns me now—and this probably sounds really stupid—is that I was wearing pretty short athletic shorts, so I’m worried that when I was lying down he might have seen too much? Because of the position I was in and where he was sitting, I feel like everything would have been right in his line of sight... Since I was so out of it I didn’t bother to adjust accordingly to make sure everything was covered up. I’d be mortified if he saw up my shorts, but it seems somewhat likely. I don’t even know how I would ask him this though, and would it be too weird?

My session went fine today. I told her my anxiety was high and she said hers was too. I said maybe it’s from the amazon rainforest burning down. She said maybe. I forgot what else was said but she said “if everyone dies then everyone dies.” I was so down in the dumps today that didn’t even phase me. Who wants to live in a post apocalyptic world anyways.

First session with new therapist.

It went fairly well. She thinks I should be on more medication, a mood stabilizer, but Im allergic to so many different things and react badly to many more. But ill consider it. My mood is decently stabilized with the meds Im on- but I still do have issues with depression and mania on occasion. Just less extreme and less rapid cycling on meds.

She also suggested I might have PTSD symptoms. Im not sure on that. But it was an interesting suggestion.

I spent today’s session talking about anger. R highlighted the multifaceted nature of my anger, and offered that it might have been less complex if somebody had actually died. She also observed a disconnect between what I was saying and my feelings, which led to an interesting discussion of what expressing anger looks like for me.
‘It’s loud…’ I laughed.

‘It’s loud…volatile?’

‘Volatile…it turns perfectly good people into cyclones.’

‘Loud, volatile, and cyclone-like…all things you aren’t.’

We talked more about the layers of anger, and I said that I might explore that more between sessions.
I had talked earlier in the session about my struggle to journal even though I know it is necessary for me. ‘When you write in your journal, write hard. Even use a few swear words if you need to.’
R sat opposite me as I talked about the differences between finding out that Chris was going to die, and being in and out of that situation.
We talked about my fear of hurting others with my anger, and at one point I said ‘I don’t go in for scripture, but…Take this cup from me.’
R gave me permission to express my anger in session if need be.

Today was the 19th session with T. I hadn’t really thought I have seen him so many times already. Anyway, I was not in a good frame of mind when I got to his office, so the first thing that I told him was “I’m not very talkative today”. He didn’t comment on it, just asked me how have I felt lately. I told him that some days were good and others were not (which is not the truth, but I can’t bring myself to being honest about that… I want him to think that I’m better to avoid being referred to the psychiatrist again). He told me to explain that a little bit further. I told him that I was ok up until Sunday, but that from that day I was not ok anymore. We talked some about Sunday and what could have triggered me feeling bad.
Then, I stoped talking. After some seconds, he asked what I was thinking about. I told him that I was tired of trying to do things better and always ending up doing the same. He asked me to be more specific. That was it.