In Session Today: Part VI

Meandering session today, but it was very helpful.
‘A lot has happened since last session, but I am going to tackle it chronologically.’
‘Makes sense to me.’

I showed R a piece of writing I had done after our most recent meeting.

‘What stands out to me here is: ‘This feels like the ugly part’ Can you explain a bit more about that?’

I mentioned that I felt holding the anger wasn’t helping me, ‘but everything I have read suggests a physical outlet – what are passive people supposed to do?’
‘Do you consider yourself passive?’

‘Yes.’ I talked about how anger wasn’t really present in my experience with Chris, because it wouldn’t change anything. I mentioned the contrast between that and the other experience. ‘When the thought ‘What the **** are you doing?’ crossed my mind, and it did….I didn’t say anything.’
I talked about letting people in on my friendship with Chris as an indication of trust. ‘I need people to understand who I am, and how I got here.’ R said she feels similarly.

‘When I have given people the opportunity to understand and they don’t...’

‘Or can’t…that hurts, so you put up a new wall.’
‘And yet, the most dangerous words in the world are ‘Nobody will ever understand this.’ I talked about the way in which I feel I am perpetuating the pattern.
‘I remember the photograph…it took you a while to tell me about that. It’s like a turtle going back into its shell.’
We talked about my process around seeing a call for submissions, deciding not to write anything, and then writing anyway. The story involved an e-card for a friend, sent from the same website that I used to use to light virtual candles for struggling friends.
‘It sounds as though you go to the same emotional place when you are writing as you go to when you are explaining something to me. You need your emotions to be able to write such powerful pieces, but it is incredibly painful.’

‘Yes. The hardest part about writing this piece was not including the other people.’

‘You wanted to write about it in isolation.’
‘Yes.’ I talked about my process of writing the piece in ten minute increments to avoid emotional buildup, and using the visualisation R had shared with me to come up with the last paragraph.
‘I submitted it on Tuesday after I emailed you because I needed a clear head. The thing I took from the submission guidelines was ‘If you do not follow these, your submission will immediately be rejected.’
‘Very strict then.’

‘As one of my American tutors said – Times New Roman, 12 point font, or you will never publish anything.’
I went on to say that they will have the piece for three months, ‘but I don’t think I can handle being in a vulnerability hangover for that long.’
I talked about how I am glad Chris didn’t live to see this, and R detected some disgust.

‘I am not the same – I’ve changed.’ We talked about this some more, and R offered a way of reframing the situation, not looking at my weakness, but seeing the strength it ‘must have taken’ to hold all that.
She asked me whether I needed a moment, and then continued. ‘It’s almost like there’s a block between the person you are now, and the person you were then.’
She offered that I could use visualisation to help bring those people together, and mentioned that I bring out visual tendencies in her. ‘It doesn’t happen all the time.’
She moved quickly when she saw that I was on the verge of becoming emotional, and then offered her closing words.

‘Being angry doesn’t make you any less of a beautiful compassionate person. You can be compassionate and still be angry.’

Can really relate to this as when I went to counseling 6-7 years ago felt like I was mostly “whining”, glad to know or learn rather that I was actually “processing” what happened to me.

This week we mainly talked about a recent experience with a certain drug I've had. Since it's one of the substances that's getting studied a lot as an alternative to anti-depressants, my T was fairly interested in it.
Towards the end we also discussed our eye contact. Some weeks ago it'd been really hard to look at him. He asked whether it makes it better or worse if he asks me to try to look at him. I answered that it depends. We tried a few times, felt really nice to be able to look at him for a bit. I also told him that if I could just choose, I'd be constantly looking at him.

In session today I experienced one of those totally bizarre experiences that come with DID... t asked if there was a part that could help to contain a certain memory set for a while because it was too overwhelming for the daily life parts and was derailing our progress (had been happening for a few weeks). I immediately felt slammed to the back but was still "aware"... and felt this male presence take over. I was aware of how the body was sitting in the chair and could hear the bizarre voice and speech tone/accent that was coming out of "my" mouth but my "being", what "I" was saying and how "I" was saying it was completely foreign to me. I'm not entirely sure how that come across to t but I think she was confused too. My biggest awareness was of my self confusion... of trying to speak and let T know I was there and I was actually okay, but instead having this different voice saying completely different things coming out of my mouth.
I have no idea what part of self that was. Fun fun fun.

It went fine today. She says there’s something legit physical going on to make me feel this way. I didn’t bring up the cancelled session last week even though I greatly complained about it online and offline. I feel like crap today though but talking to her did help.

I saw my Pdoc last night. I had to wait three hours to see him because I didn't have an appointment. He must have gotten really behind because a guy was there for a six o'clock appointment and didn't get seen until 8 PM. I did find out that his cash only fee after 12/31/19 will be $200.00. I still plan on interviewing PDOC's but I can afford that four times a year if I have to. He paid for the supplements he suggested for me himself that he gave me last night and he gave me three books to read. Gave them, as a gift. He said it was going to be really hard to leave some of his patients, like me, so he was happy to know that I would be willing to see him for a while longer. He talked to me about the importance of hope, which admittedly has been very hard lately with the SUI feelings. He didn't charge me for the appointment last night either. I'm happy to know that there is at least a backup plan because I'm not happy about the reviews I have been reading online on some of the other Pdocs in the area. I was talking to some of the other patients in the waiting room last night and getting some names of people that were a definitely do not see. My PDOC talked about my religious leanings and about things that bring him hope. It was almost like a therapy appointment.

I told T that this past week I was ok, that nothing happened. I am the best liar in the world, and also the stupidest person. I don't know whether therapy is not for me or if this is not the right T for me. I'm really tired of my ability to ***** myself.

I began by telling R that it had been an intense week, but I had written something after last session. She asked whether I wanted her to read it, and I passed the piece of paper over.

‘You have a really beautiful way of expressing yourself with writing.’

‘Thank you. I’d been thinking about what you said regarding some people writing letters.’

‘And that is sort of what you’ve done here.’

‘I know I will never get the chance, but I would like to say to them ‘Look at what you’ve done!’

‘You want them to know what they’ve done. It doesn’t sound like you want anything in particular to come of that, but you want them to be aware.’

‘Yes. Every time something happened…fear.’

‘With a capital F, I am assuming?’

‘Exactly – Fear, anger and disappointment.’

I talked about Chris again, and how I only knew what I needed to know. ‘I only knew what I knew at the end, because I happened to be the first person she’d been in touch with.’
I went on to talk about how I felt there were similarities between the way Chris treated her children with regard to information about her illness, and how she treated me.

‘She wanted to protect those she cared about?’

‘…I am just going to acknowledge the ouch.’

‘That hurts?’

I talked about having points of reference for everything – birthdays, family, friendships, romantic relationships…

‘Do you mean you have remembered conversations about all of those things?’

‘We talked about life, the universe and everything, and yet the only information I have about how Chris responded to anger is second hand, and in a specific context.’

R asked me to clarify.

‘In a conversation Francisco told me about, six weeks before…why are those the hardest words in the world? Six weeks before the end of her life, when she expressed frustration with her health. That seems more justified to me.’

‘It seems more justified than what you are going through?’

‘Yes.’
R talked about how she felt I had really let her in on my relationship with Chris over the last couple of months. ‘I can see you almost drawing strength from that relationship, and thinking ‘What would Chris do in this situation?’ only you haven’t got a blueprint for this.’

‘I have a blueprint for everything else!’ We laughed about that a bit, and R said she almost wanted to request access to my blueprint cupboard.

‘Can you try something for me?’ She asked ‘Can you say the words ‘I have a right to be angry.’?’

I took a deep breath. ‘I have a right…I have a right to be angry.’

‘Put a swear word in there if you need to.’

‘I have a right to be ****ing angry.’

‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’

‘The how is negotiable, and not now…’ I turned to look at R. ‘I have a right to tell others about my anger.’
‘I am not going to push you too far. I have a right to express my anger.’

‘I have a right to express my anger.’

‘They’re like mantras or affirmations, whether you think them or say them out loud.’

She asked how that felt, and I replied that it felt as though they’d cleared some of the blocks.

‘Because I feel violated, I have every right to feel angry.’

‘That is personal to you.’

R asked how I felt coming to the end of the session, and I said that I needed to stop over-extending and leave something for myself, so that I can create.

She said she felt a bit blown away by the progress I have made. I made a comment early in the session about anger and sadness being different energies, and she liked that.

She asked me whether I feel it is possible for me to be compassionate and caring to others as well as to myself, and then realised she’d have to leave me with that one. She warned me against relying on ‘What would Chris do?’ at the expense of my own moral compass.

T session last night: My head is kind of foggy so I will do my best to make this coherent, in as much as I remember about the session. Most of what I remember is emotional--how I feel, and not so much the actual stuff that was said, but I'll give it a go, and see if I can process some of this here on PC.

T came and got me from the waiting room. The first thing I noticed was that she didn't have flowers in her hair. I like when she wears flowers in her hair. It's charming. As we were walking back to her office, she asked me how my day had been. I said it had been challenging. When we got to her office, I asked her how her day had been. She said it was stressful. She also works at a hospital, and the patients are supposed to come see her for therapy, but they weren't coming, so she had to go and find them, and often they were engaged in other activities, so the day just wasn't smooth. It didn't flow how it was supposed to flow. I told her how my day was challenging. That the GM had kept me there late, venting about an employee. I'm in Accounting but I am also in charge of HR (really needs to be two people honestly, but we don't have the payroll for it apparently). And so he was venting to me for about 20 minutes. Which felt weird. It felt like we (mostly he) was talking about another employee behind his back. I've always been taught that you complain up not complain down. But I've also never been responsible for HR before so maybe this is part of HR. He kept me there pretty late, and I really don't know if I was helpful, but I was like, okay, if you need to talk, I guess you can talk to me.


Then I got down to business with T. I told her I had seen the PDOC (who currently works in the same office as her) twice since I had seen her because of the suicidal thoughts. I told her I had had really intense suicidal thoughts for 5 days straight and I knew it was time to call the doctor because I really did not want to live. If I would have had the means, I would probably not be here. I told her how . I felt for the first time perhaps that she really took my suicidal thoughts seriously. We have had a pact for a while now that if I were ever to attempt suicide, I had to call her first. She upped the ante. She said, not only did I have to call her, but we had to meet, and I had to to get her permission. Which I reluctantly agreed to. I doubt she's ever going to give me her permission but I figure if I call her and we meet then I've done what I said I would do. I told her, you're changing the rules, that's not what you said before. To which she replied, "Well I'm saying it now." I agreed to it because I was more in my right mind last night and I know she had my best interests at heart.


We talked about how if I committed suicide it would impact people that I haven't even thought it would impact. Coworkers, people at Church, etc. She told me that her ex-husband (who has been her ex for like 30 years) just last February. I said I was sorry. She said he wasn't even suicidal for very long. He just had a bad day and ended things. She then told me about a few different patients she has had that have killed themselves and how it impacted her. She also told me about a coworker she had that had and how that had impacted her. She told me she would be greatly impacted (or something like that) if I were to kill myself. I brushed her off. I said, no you wouldn't. You would just be like, one less person I have to deal with. She said, "No, I wouldn't." I actually felt very cared for in that moment. That was really the first time I have felt cared for by her. I felt like she meant those words. It touched me. I still feel the care today.


We talked about how if I were to kill myself it would put my nieces and nephews at higher risk of suicide. I said I know that, but at the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to die. She told me that it would cause my Dad to fall to pieces. I said I know, but at the time, I just didn't care. I just didn't want to be here any longer. I just didn't want to be in pain. She said that she got that, that she understood.


We talked about my hallucinations and how I have been reacting to them. She didn't have much to say about them except perhaps I am tapped into more of a world in between this one and the next. I don't really believe that, but we did talk about angels and demons. She said I probably give my angels a lot of workout trying to keep me safe. I said yeah, I probably exasperate a lot of people. She said I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about your angels. We talked about that for a while and different experiences that I have had where I feel a divine presence stepped in to save my life. She said if that is so, then my job is not done yet on earth, that I'm supposed to keep living. I said, I know but that God would forgive me if I die.


We talked about some lighter stuff like movies, and things I like to do or places I like to go to. She is trying to strengthen my will to live. We talked about hope a lot and about my religious leanings.


I don't remember some of the other stuff we talked about. Mostly stuff about keeping me alive. And how my suicidal thoughts were escalating. She was pleased that I hadn't self harmed in 30 days. She asked me how I managed that. I said, self harm wouldn't have been enough. I knew it wasn't safe to engage in when I was that suicidal. She seemed to get that.


I feel more at ease and more at peace today than I have been. I feel connected to my T and I feel like she is invested in me. If it would affect her if I died by suicide, she must care for me on a basic level. I felt some of that caring last night and I can still feel it today. I have a session with her next week, same day, same time. So at least I don't have to wait so long for an appointment. I think we did good work last night.


Comments welcome.


Kit

... Continue to end.

My T and I usually get along really well, but I was just not in the mood today—actually I was in a good mood when I came in, but not really in a therapy mood. Tried to talk but felt like he was shooting down everything I tried to say, and I was shooting down everything he said, and then he said something that just made it very clear that he comes from a much different and much nicer family than I do, and I didn't feel like explaining to him why it was completely wrong for me. I went silent, didn't say much else, left feeling down and irritated. I suppose we'll have to talk about it next week but I don't want to.

I hope you continue the good work and feel better soon.

I'm not sure where to write this. I am not sure what to say. I think the people on this forum might be the only ones who might hear or understand. It has been a hard week. Last week in Pilates, the instructor touched me to correct my form and I panicked. I was triggered. Then I went home and slept for 18 hours. I emailed T who focused on the good bit that I could tell the Pilates person to not touch me and said that we should discuss coping mechanisms, one better than just going to bed when I get overwhelming emotions. Then some time over the next couple of days, Wednesday I told T. I wanted to tell her that the SH marks are an affirmation of how I feel about myself. We did talk about the negative thoughts and when my over-thinking goes off the wagon, too far off reality yet I still think it is true. Thursday I went to pdoc and had a panic attack. Getting vitals and the current nurse was training a new nurse and the current nurse was both (a) asking me if I wanted her or the new nurse to take vitals and (b) telling the new nurse that this was just my anxiety. I was saying, 'this is just what anxiety looks like.' Talking to pdoc i was shaking and nearly in tears. She said that she would be willing to call T to say pdoc supports me taking time off work. I said T would support it. Pdoc said that she'd be willing to write a note to get me off work. I'm a professor - it doesn't work like that. A note doesn't get me off work. I need to find substitutes to cover my classes. I have an accommodation under ADA that I just need to call my chair and she'll arrange coverage. Problem is, she is on sabbatical this year and we have a new, not helpful and very arrogant chair. I emailed t telling her what pdoc said and that it was overwhelming just to think about finding someone to cover classes. then t wrote back - take the day off - which feels like she way yelling at me telling me i am stupid to be so pathetic. then T wrote again to say that i should just call secretary.
at any rate, i took the day off and now feel like it was an overreaction to take the day off. I am lost.

malika, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I don't think your T was thinking you are stupid or pathetic for wanting to take the day off. I think he was probably trying to support you. keep posting if it helps.

Does anyone else take a mental health day off? That is, their mental health issues make it so they cannot work? I look at the diagnosis list from Thursday's pdoc appt and it all feel so vague. Everything is "unspecified": bipolar, unspecified; social phobia, unspecified; insomnia, unspecified; GAD. Does this mean it is all imagined? Like I should be fine because I'm only unspecified? Not quite real.

No, that means you don't fit the traditional picture of those disorders, or possibly that your pdoc needs more time to narrow things down a bit. Here's what the DSM-5 has to say about Bipolar Disorder, Unspecified, for example:

This category applies to presentations in which symptoms characteristic of a bipolar and related disorder that cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning predominate but do not meet the full criteria for any of the disorders in the bipolar and related disorders diagnostic class. The unspecified bipolar and related disorder category is used in situations in which the clinician chooses not to specify the reason that the criteria are not met for a specific bipolar and related disorder, and includes presentations in which there is insufficient information to make a more specific diagnosis (e.g., in emergency room settings).

It could also be that your pdoc has decided you fit a specified disorder within the bipolar category, but just hasn't bothered to update your chart. That does happen.

If the diagnosis stuff bothers you, I would bring it up at your next appointment to get clarification.

I don't think it's overreacting if you need to take time off work due to your mental health. I'm sure you'd rather not feel the way you do.

ETA: I'm not sure what you're looking for with what you put under the trigger in your earlier post, but do feel free to PM me if you want.

ETA2: Your school might have online access to the DSM-5 if you're interested in seeing how these unspecified disorders are described for yourself. That's how I got the snippet I posted - through the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) online ebook I can access through my university.

thanks, Susannahsays

My therapist just kinda frustrates me because she tells me I have something legit physical going on and then when I try to explain my symptoms in detail to her and what I think may be causing them she tells me I’m just “looking for zebras” which sounds like she doesn’t really believe me. She just sounds like she’s being very hypocritical and it’s frustrating me. These past 2 days were so rough and I didn’t even have work. I don’t know what to do.

T send me to a PDOC. I already have an appointment for next week. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I've never gone to a PDOC before...

Haven't written in a while but I want to today. T and I have been through a ginormous rupture that I thought could end our relationship, but we got through it. By the end, he told me that he was retiring from most of his work next year and is only continuing to see a few clients, no more training, supervision etc. etc. I think I may have been picking up on an ending vibe, and that may have driven some of the rupture. I felt really pleased he is continuing to see me, and he said I was one of the deciding factors between semi-retirement and full retirement.

So anyway. Last Friday, I was searching google, something to do with my T and his (art related) hobby, when up popped a picture of him doing his hobby with his daughter. I saw this totally by accident. I felt fine about it, and not jealous at all (which is brand new for me) but I worried a bit how he would feel.

That night, I had a dream, with lots of facets to it but basically it started where I was going to do some online video training with my T. I switched it on, and he was sat eating his breakfast. I was like "this is mundane, why am I seeing this?" (I think this was about the photo, as it felt not for my eyes, and also not that interesting to me).
Then, something very specific happened, I don't want to say what it was, but let's pretend it was that the training involved a video of a waterfall. Then later in the dream he was doing something else, a fairly unusual (sport related) hobby, and something specific went wrong. He didnt seem worried about it in the dream. I said "I have dreamt about you [doing hobby] before, T" (in reality I have no memory of dreaming about that before.

So, first of all, T was fine with the photo thing, in fact he was most bothered about it being an unflattering photo. I talked about not being jealous or hurt and how I feel good about that.

After I told him about the dream, T said two things jumped out at him. He said firstly, that unusual hobby WAS his actual hobby for a long time, and that specific thing that I dreamt went wrong did actually happen to him. Secondly, he was currently developing a training programme that indeed DOES involve [a video of a waterfall]. He has never used anything like that in his training before. He said he sees that as a sign that we communicate unconsciously in ways we can't possibly understand. I find that so very difficult to get my head round, but also can't deny these are two weirdly specific things. And it's not the first time this sort of stuff has happened between us. There have in fact been quite a few over the years. It flies in the face of my logical brain.

We had a long period of silent eye contact. It felt wonderful. I told him he is very special to me. He said that's nice to hear.

He told me that he had thought about making his current art related hobby, the one I had been searching for, more visible, because people have been asking to see more of what he is doing. He said that me searching for it makes him feel like "oh echos would like to see that too, that's another reason to make a website so people can see it". I said how we can feel more relaxed about the boundaries because we have been through enough ruptures to know where they are and trust each other not to cross them.

Time was up. And without thinking, and I seriously have no idea where this came from, I said "Anyway, cuddle time!". We stood up and as we hugged he chuckled and said "did you say cuddle time" I felt a bit embarrassed and I was like "yes" and he chuckled again and said "just checking I heard you right". I felt weirdly embarrassed. I don't normally ever feel embarrassed in therapy. I think the strangest part was that it wasn't just that it evaded my internal filter, it's also that I have never even referred to my hugs with T as "cuddles" in my head, so I wasn't even aware I thought of them as cuddles. But clearly on some level I do! I really want to email him like "wtf how embarrassing I have no idea how I did that" but I think I am going to sit with it and talk about it next week.

I love him.