In Session Today: Part VI

I think peace is a realistic goal, but perhaps with a little twist on what "peace" looks like. What I mean is - perhaps peace isn't an ultimate destination, not a place you reach where you then reside in a blissful state of peacefulness, but a haven you create that you can visit along the way. Perhaps you can create moments of peace or a way to reach an internal state of peacefulness even amongst the crises. Maybe there is a way to cultivate moments of peace in your every day life that are able to calm and sustain you even as you experience the ups and downs going on around you.

Today went fine. She didn’t say anything about my weight loss and I didn’t mention it to her or my eating habits lately. I don’t know if I should have or not. I don’t want to get into an argument with her. Or a discussion since we don’t ever argue. I’m sure she’ll eventually ask. But I just don’t feel like being the first one to bring it up.

I had such a lovely session today. I had been feeling stuck and frustrated for weeks. This week I had two dreams about him. It seems that quite often when I find myself in a period of stuckness in therapy, I have a dream, and talking about it shifts something and I feel better. Like it articulates something I can't. That happened today.

I told him I had been feeling stuck and that his hugs had felt empty. He said he hadn't consciously noticed feeling disconnected. I told him about my dreams.

In the 1st dream, he had rescheduled a session and his room was open plan at the end of his kitchen/diner, basically with the 4th wall of his counselling room missing showing the rest of his house. Various members of his family wandered in (including his father, who I know has died irl) and I was annoyed with him. He didn't apologise, or do anything about it, and the only person who did was a random extended family member of his.

Second dream, he butt-dialled me before session and I heard a builder scamming him. I went into his garden. He was there with his wife but they were both much older, really elderly. I told his builder he should be ashamed of taking advantage of vulnerable elderly people.

T said the 2nd one seemed really simple. Like there was an unconscious call for help and I hadn't hesitated in coming to help him. He said it sounded like protectiveness. I said that's really interesting because consciously I think "I don't have to worry about T. T can take care of himself.". T said my dream challenged that.

We said the first one was all about boundaries. Including a literal boundary (the wall) being missing. I said he lacked authority in both - the authority to tell his family to keep out during the session, and the authority to tell the builder to p1ss off.
We talked about whether I don't trust him to hold the boundaries effectively, or think he might be losing that ability. I said that a few of the things he has said have made me concerned about the boundaries recently, and whether I can trust him to hold them. He said he was aware he had been taking some risks, and two images came to mind, one that we are walking along a tight ridge and it feels important to keep going, and another that we should rebuild that wall. He said he doesnt think the wall contains us, he thinks it boxes us in. I said "you dont think we can walk the ridge and rebuild the wall?" he said we can if we flatten out some of the spikes. I said "but we lose something?" He said "I think so". I said I felt seduced (I was reluctant to use the word) by what he is saying and want to say "f*** rebuilding the wall" because the ridge is exciting. T said that the me in the therapy room is okay with that, but it is the me between sessions that suffers and we need to do something that's okay for all of me. (It's weird how he was wanting to take risks when I was feeling cautious, and then we reversed roles - i pointed this out to him).

He kind of asked what, but could see I didnt want to list them all so he just asked whether they were concerned with the I told him I felt much better him explaining that, because, due to my childhood experiences I do sometimes feel some doubt about whether he is able to hold those boundaries, even though I know he would never deliberately hurt me. I said perhaps the way I need to feel safer is that I need to be having meta conversations with him about the therapeutic purpose of what he is saying. T said that's like walking the ridge and minding the spikes, and that makes sense. I agreed.

I said I feel really in love with him. He said he is not sure how the risk-taking and the in love feelings are connected, and we need to look more at that. I agreed.

We looked at each other for a while. I said "I love you". He paused and said 'and I love you".

We stood up and hugged. I said "that didn't feel unremarkable or non-commital. He said it didn't for him either. We said goodbye and I left.

Today we talked about having needs, email and cake. Here’s a tiny snippet of our conversation.

Me: I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been seeing you for two years now, and I’ve been trying to decide whether therapy has been helpful for me or not. This morning I was feeling sort of skeptical. I mean, it’s turned out to be something very different than what I initially expected. I was thinking about how it’s kind of like eating cake. Cake is really good and it makes you feel good in the moment, but there’s really no nutritional value and you really can’t have cake all the time or you’ll gain weight and get diabetes.

T: (Looking at me, nodding).

Me: So, if I want to be healthier, I should just cut out cake. It’s really not necessary.

T: Well, a little bit of cake now and then is good.

Me: I was thinking about how I wanted to email you on Sunday. I thought about it, but didn’t.

T: Why do you think you wanted to email me?

Me: Out if habit. I mean, I had a stressful week ahead and just considered emailing you.

T: So, you had a need?

Me: It wasn’t a need. I just thought it might feel nice to get a response. But I didn’t need anything. And I’m a fully functioning adult. I certainly don’t need to behave like a needy child. I’m not sure any of this behavior is actually helpful to me. I know how to stop it. (We both knew I meant by stopping therapy).

T: Yes, so it’s easier to just not have needs. That’s the way you’ve coped.

Me: Well, sometimes that’s just the way it works. I can’t eat cake all the time. It’s irresponsible, unrealistic and indulgent.

T: Yes, you can’t have it all the time, so you might as well not want it at all.

Me: Well, it’s sort of like when I eat cake. It feels good in the moment, but then I feel guilty afterwards.

T: (Something about how guilt might be a sign of growth).

Me: I’ve felt guilty about coming here pretty much since the first day I met you, so I’m not sure there’s any growth there.

T: I can see how you’re different today than when I first me you. You’re more comfortable.

Me: There’s an overhead fire drill that goes off periodically at work, usually for a few minutes at a time. At first, it was annoying and distressing, but now I barely notice it. It’s just natural to get used to things. You’re sort of like a fire drill. I’ve just gotten used to you. It’s not necessarily due to some miraculous transformation of therapy. Not everything that happens in my life is due to therapy. I mean, that’s sort of self-serving for you to think so.

T: (Laughing) You never would have said that to me in the past.

Me: Like I said, you’re a fire drill and I’ve gotten used to you. I think it’s called habituation.

The session actually ended well. Now I’m left feeling satisfied like I just had my piece of chocolate turtle cake. Later I will feel guilty about it, and by next week’s session I’ll be trying to convince myself not to have it again. That’s my cycle.

Today’s session felt intense, although it wasn’t. R came in and sat down. I immediately said that it felt like a long week. R asked what I meant, and I said that I am still struggling with the implications of what we discussed last week.
R asked whether it was to do with the circumstances in which I ‘found out’. We have talked at length about my experiences, without putting a label of any sort on them that stuck.
‘There’s always been a box,’ I said ‘but now there’s a label, and I’m not sure whether I can put that particular label on that box.’
R recognises that the word is loaded, but does not seem averse to using it. She asked whether I felt like I was back at the beginning, or whether I had simply changed course.
‘It’s not square one, but it’s pretty close.’ I said that I had attempted a collage on Saturday, but it turned into something else.
‘This seems like a safer way for you to engage with your experience than approaching somebody directly and saying ‘Can we talk?’’

‘Yes. When I say to my support workers that I have attended safeguarding training and it was rough, their impression of it being rough is different.’

‘So you can’t really be open with them about your experience?’

‘True. When I try to be open with people about the experience, I often hear ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’

‘What would you need in that moment, ideally?’

‘I’d rather hear ‘I don’t know what to say, but I can listen,’ but I know that isn’t something you can just offer willy-nilly.’
‘And when you sense that somebody is even slightly uncomfortable with what you are saying, you will retreat back into your shell.’
I described the feeling as like trying to take something out of the oven without oven gloves. R nodded.

‘You thought it was cool enough, but now it’s molten again.’
R reminded me that ‘When things are hot, they cool down eventually. This is hot again right now, but it will cool.’ She asked to look at the collage again, and we talked more about the difficulty of the trigger coming up in a professional context.

‘You’re still in that moment of disbelief.’ I talked about not being able to have a conversation with my support worker ahead of time, because I did not know this would come up.
‘At lunch, my boss asked me how I was finding it. She seemed to know I would struggle with it.’

‘And what was your answer to that?’

‘I said I was OK, which I was at that point.’
I talked about reading the policy again before the training, and considering whether I should say something.

‘There is autonomy there. Do you feel you want to say something?’

‘No!’ I asked R whether she was willing to move, and then, when she sat down, said: ‘I am so tired of being brave and holding it together. I don’t want to appear fragile.’
‘Do you feel fragile?’
‘After the last two weeks, yes.’

‘Before that?’

‘No.’

‘If you were to ask me whether I feel fragile,’ R offered, ‘I would say I feel fragile most of the time. Not to the point that I’m not capable of doing my job, but I have moments of fragility on a daily basis.’

R asked who I was holding it together for. I am still scared of the answer to that question. We talked about fragility, and I said that I put a lot of effort into my work, and like to appear competent.
‘I am glad I wasn’t paid for that training, because I don’t feel like I was operating to the best of my ability.’ I explained that it became difficult to think clearly. ‘Everything seemed to slow down.’

R said she wasn’t surprised, and reminded me of my reaction when a beer bottle exploded in pottery class.

‘You still took something away from the training, you stayed in the room, and you didn’t have a panic attack. If you had been paid, I would have said you deserved a little extra. You seem to need permission to praise yourself.’
‘Yes.’

‘Have you officially celebrated your competition?’

‘..Not yet.’

‘…That was a no…’

‘That’s an accurate translation.

R and I scheduled for next week, and she said she will try not to rearrange.

I saw my sleep specialist today and I was worried she was going to weigh me but I knew I had my heavy boots on and my hoodie and jacket so she wouldn’t be able to tell much. She didn’t weigh me thankfully.

The very very abbreviated summary:

Me: That was brutal. (Talks about how brutal that was.)

Also me: (lots of crying)

Me again: And...AND...it sucks that I can't even stress eat all of the Almond Joys out of the Halloween bowl because I feel so sick to my stomach.

T finally chimes in, probably figuring it's finally safe to have a conversation now that I am not hugging my knees and there's no more water coming out of my eyes.

A conversation about the trash can, which is still not in the right place.
Me: It's still not in the right place.
T: I move it over there when I see you on the schedule.
Me: Seriously, it was always on my side when I started coming. You'd think by this time I'd have figured out it is over there now.
T: (laughs)

Discussion about the ways people show their true nature, then T says nice stuff about people being true to who they are, and the ways she sees me doing that.

Time to go, so we talked about Christmas stockings, boots, and other non-therapy stuff, which helped me get out the door with my people face on.

I originally didn't expect to see him today but was done with class early so messaged him.

He apologized again, said that he said he would be there for me but wasn't.
That he didn't behave as a therapist.

I told him I still didn't forgive him.

Told T about something that happened to me. I’ve never told anybody before.

It was really intense. My nervous system was buzzing. He said his was too, his legs were tingling.

It’s really really ****** to go from that to radio silence for a week.

Where is therapy headed?

I am so confused. For the last two sessions I feel like T boils every conversation down to the idea of making a list of what I need to do and then crossing things off of it. Simultaneously I’m telling her, or trying to tell her, that I feel numb and cannot access feeling and am just doing the next thing on my list like a robot. And her solution? “Tell me what are the things you need to get done at work?”

Wednesday I overhead the previous client mentioning that T would be away next week, but T hadn’t told me that, and these changes throw me for a loop, triggering feelings of being abandoned. So as I sat down I asked if she was away next week. She confirmed she’d be away and apologized. I felt paralyzed, even less able to process what is going on.

She asked what I was feeling, and I said I wasn’t feeling anything. So she asked me to make a list of what I needed to get done at work.

I said somethings that were bothering me. First, H woke me up at 5:30am because my alarm didn’t go off at 4:30 and I was frustrated he didn’t wake me up when he got up. She responded that 5:30am wasn’t too late to wake up.

I told her my mom sent an email with a subject line of question marks, asking if I had received her text, which was her way of saying my dad had a minor stroke early in the day. T said that was just my mom’s anxiety.

So I felt I didn’t have a right to be frustrated by these thing.

Then she kept writing while I was silent. I asked what she was writing and she said that I was planning on working the next day from 8 am to 6 pm which was “not good.” So basically all I got from here that day was being told that I was not good. I told her I needed to leave to go grade papers and left 20 minutes early, which I have never done.

I’ve been feeling like a box with no inputs, no outputs. No feelings. And her response has been to ask me to list what I need to get done at work.

Last week I told her that it was frustrating that all of my diagnoses were NOS: bipolar NOS, GAD, social anxiety NOS. I asked her what she writes when she bills my insurance and she said she wasn’t sure, probably depression NOS. This was one week after telling me that she needs to talk to my insurance every three months to get more visits authorized, but she cannot tell me a diagnosis beyond NOS? She tells me I need to take Thursdays off for my mental health, but can’t tell me why? I just feel like the world is spiraling out of control for me and there is nothing to hold onto. About once a day I feel like I am fighting back tears at work.

I feel like I try to talk about hard stuff and she doesn’t get it and then never follows up:



I see my pdoc monthly and she always asks what I am working on in T and says I need to keep going. My H says that I need to keep going. And where I live there are not many options in terms of finding another T.
I cannot even remember what therapy is about. H says he walks on eggshells around me to not set me off. I am out of touch with my feelings and have a therapist who is out of touch with me and going on vacation!
H says I should continue with this T because she has been on my side for so many years, and honestly, there are no other options in the town where I work. There are options, not great ones, in the next biggest town, which is 1.5 hours from my work.

I guess I just want some empathy in the world. Anyone have any to share?

New T, focusing first on our relationship. It was easy for me to feel and express positive feelings I had towards her, but sometimes, I zoned out. She asked: what is the feeling behind your fear? So: what feeling that you feel is not allowed, causes you to zone out and 'feel nothing'? This cycle repeated many many times during this intake session of 2 hrs. I was frustrated, because I genuinely did not feel anything, but it was true that I zoned out, so something was up. I thought it might be anger, frustration at her repeating questions, but I didn't really feel that. I think I felt fear that she would reject me for not being able to respond. Then she would ask: but that is an emotion about you: what does that make you feel about me ? But it seems that I have carefully suppressed any negative emotions directed at somebody else, and only feel emotions about myself: disappointment/frustration at my inability to feel, sadness at the thought she may reject me, fear. But nothing that really goes towards her. I suppose that's relevant, but I have no clue how to get past this wall of not feeling.
Perhaps these are too few details to explain what happened. Responses welcome though- anyone been through a similar process? How on earth do you transition from not feeling certain unwelcome/inconvenient emotions to feeling them? Inbox is ok too if it's not appropriate here, this turned out longer than expected. Good night/day!

My therapist cancelled again because her kids are sick again. She rescheduled me for tomorrow. I had a gut feeling this would happen when I woke up so I wasn’t even surprised.

I don’t know if I should have told her some stuff today. I mean I do pretty much trust her but she’s telling my doctor and I don’t really trust him.

Pastor T last night **general trigger warning for talk of Christianity**
I was really nervous going to see Pastor T because I had SH-ed during the week. He had told me that if I had SH-ed, I needed to tell him. So I knew I needed to tell him, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I didn't know if he would want to see the wounds. Or if he would tell me I had to go to the hospital. Or what. Basically my "what if" button in my head was going off like crazy.

So I went in to see him. And I told him that I had SH-ed since I had seen him last. He didn't seem particularly fazed. He asked me how many lines I had done which I thought was a funny way of saying it. So I told him 10. He was like, oh you were really angry? I was like, yeah, I guess, and some other stuff. He asked me how deep they were and I said they were medium. That I didn't have to get them stitched. He was like, when is the last time you had to get stitches? I was like maybe February? Something like that. He asked me what I had thought afterwards. I was like, not much, I just started watching TV. He was like okay....I said usually a few days later I will feel sort of guilty but not immediately afterward. I told him I had done some on Saturday and some on Sunday. He was like, oh that's significant! I was like, not really, usually when I do SH I will often have a couple of days in a row. He asked me how long it had been since I had SH-ed I said 75 days. That was my goal with my other T and we hadn't made a new goal so I felt like I could give into the SH. He was like, so you wanted to do it? I was like, of course, I always want to do it. He said I'm addicted. Shrug. Maybe. I don't know. He asked me the longest I had gone without it. I said one year. He asked me how I was able to do that. He asked me what I had tried before I SH-ed. I really hadn't tried anything. I was worn out/worn down and I just went to the thing that I knew would help. He was like, so it takes the pain away? I was like yeah. He was like thinking about that for a while. He said he doesn't know everything that SH means to me. But that I need to hate it. I need to not make it an option.

He asked me about if I had thought any more about an accountability partner. I was like, yeah I talked to your wife after Church yesterday. He was like, where was I? I was like IDK. He was like, she didn't tell me. See the level of confidentiality! I was like yeah. He asked me what she said and I said that she would. He was like, did you have a good conversation about it? I was like I guess. He was like what did you say? So I told him. He was like, that's it? I was like, well yeah, basically. He kind of made it seem like I should rely on the accountability partner aka his wife as a last resort and try all the other stuff first. I don't know about that. Like I don't want to burn out his wife, but his whole thing is trying to get me connected to people and that action is connecting to people.

He says I have a lot of knowledge about the scriptures. I have a lot of head knowledge but he wants to make it more real to me. He said I know a lot about what God says about me but do I really believe it? He was like why do you let someone else's opinion of you bring you down and upset you when what matters is what God thinks of you? He wanted me to do this exercise where I closed my eyes and did a visualization and then prayed out loud with him in the room. I wasn't too comfortable with that. Even though the door to his office was open. It just still seemed kind of creepy. I negotiated. I was like, how about I try it at home and report back how it goes. He was okay with that.

I only got two lines of the verse memorized that I was working on so he told me to keep working on that, to keep working on the visualizations, to keep working on reading the book, and something else that I forgot but I have written down.

There's more to what went on in session but some of it I kind of forgot and some of it gets pretty into Christianity--more than what I feel is appropriate to discuss in a general forum. I see regular T tomorrow night.

Comments are okay.
Kit

Regular T last night.

I went to the office and since I had been there the day before sorting out my copays, the receptionist "C" told me just to flip the light letting the T know I was there and to take a seat. I had to use the bathroom so "C" opened the door for me and then once I was done I returned to the waiting room. The waiting room had some horrible elevator music playing. It was truly awful. I did not like it at all. It's weird, sometimes they are playing trendy music, sometimes music from like back in the day musicals, and then sometimes this weird elevator music. I guess it depends on the mood of the receptionist. Although she seems like a very perky sort of person so it's weird when she chooses this stuff.

My T came and got me on time which is amazing. We went back to her office and the light was on and she asked me if I had turned in on. I said I hadn't. I don't even know where the light switch is in her office. She said, oh I must have left it on. She explained that she was tired and wasn't feeling well so she had gone home for a nap. I was worried that she was going to be wacky like that one time but she wasn't.

She asked me if I had SH-ed and I told her that I had. She asked me how many days I had made it to, and I said 75. She said that was good and that she was proud of me. Then we mostly talked about work stress for a while. I'm learning the new ways of the new company and getting used to the ways of the Controller. Sometimes I feel inadequate. It's not a good feeling. I told my T that I have a pathological want for the controller to like me. She said she didn't think that was pathological, just human. She asked if it went farther than me wanting the controller to think I do a good job, I said, yes, I want her to think that but I also want her to like me as a person. She asked if I like her (the controller) and I said that I do. She reminded me that all the feedback I have gotten from the controller has been positive, that I am doing my job well. Partly I am getting used to not having a boss in the next office. The controller is on the other side of the country in NY while I am in CA. She is also the Controller for the NY office and the CA office so she has her hands full. She is really good at responding to me when I send her questions or information that she has requested. Just I miss that personal interaction that I had with my former boss. We talked about my frustration with a few situations at work where I have been "in between." Like in between the old boss and the new boss. And in between the GM and the Controller. How that puts me in a delicate and frustrating situation. T said it will get easier as I go. And the more I do things that I have to do in my new role the more I will be confident in myself and not look for validation elsewhere.

Then we talked about the SH. I told her that I didn't feel like it was complete. I had a hard time getting her to understand that aspect. She was like, how many cuts do you have to make for it to be complete? I was like it's not about the number, it's just about a feeling that I have and it feels incomplete. She asked me if I have felt this way before, and I said yes. She asked me what I have done in the past. Sometimes I have gone back and done more SH and other times I sit with the feeling of incompleteness and in about a week it fades. T reminded me that I was already 3 days in without SH so I had a good chance of getting through the week. I explained that right now I want to want to not SH but I want to SH. T accepted that. She said that is where you are right now and that is okay. We will work with you where you are at. She said it sounds like I have part of me inside that always want to SH and part of me inside that always doesn't want to SH and the two sides of me are in conflict. She said that I am working hard towards trigger for Christianity She said she hopes I can make it through the week without needing to SH.

We went into overtime. The session was about an hour and a half. It wore me out but it was also good. I felt very connected to T and I felt supported by T and accepted by T. I didn't feel judged, or put down, or forced into anything. I wish all my sessions could be that way.
Thanks for reading.
Comments okay. Hugs always welcome.
Kit

Had a pretty insightful session with T yesterday.
He asked his usual intro question. I told him the week had been weird, when I left last Friday I started crying on the way home. I even cried on the bus, surrounded by people. But then this week I'd almost forgotten about the session, I had to read my notes to know what we'd been talking about.
T asked why I had been sad. Told him I didn't know exactly, it started when I looked at him. He asked when exactly and I said when we said good bye, which was the second time I looked at him in that session.

He said there was probably a connection to our session if it started right after and said it's important to think about why it happened so it doesn't stay some unexplained emotion. Then he asked what I think his reaction is when I share something like this.
I thought about it and then said that I didn't know, but T insisted that it's important and that I could imagine somebody else instead of him if that helps. I answered that people might get worried, sad or some people get angry.

He confirmed that and mentioned that sometimes he's worried. How he also sometimes worries when I never look at him since 'he knows that's not normal'. He then said that he has a theory. Maybe I use such emotions unconsciously as a strategy to get closeness to people. I tell somebody I'm sad and they react worried, they try to care for me. This creates a sense of closeness. He mentioned how there's theories that say such mechanisms exist.
He explained for quite a long time and asked a few times whether I'm paying attention.

Then he said how that strategy doesn't really work though. How when I act like this, he feels I create more distance between us. I want to be close, but in reality I go further away. It's just an illusion of closeness. But that he knows this is not intentional, that my emotions are 'just stronger than me'.
I told him that now I felt like I shouldn't share anymore when I'm sad. He responded that he doesn't believe so. Maybe that's what I feel right now, but that he thinks it's very important that I told him and that it's good to discuss these things. Because only then can he get to such theories and explain them, which is the first step to changing those things.
He asked whether I could accept that maybe this is part of me? I said yes, but that I want to change it. He explained that I probably have been doing this for a long time, maybe since childhood and that it takes a long time to change. He also said that many people have issues with accepting closeness, though normally not extrem as in my case. And that there's a lot of it in therapy, we talk about a lot of intimate things. That it's normal for people like romantic partners to get upset and angry if I get sad like this, but that therapists have to understand where it's coming from and not just get angry and leave.

T said that our goal in the end is to be able to be closer to people, experience 'genuine closeness', which he explained as being able to concentrate on each other, talk about anything under the sun and to not get scared or worried. That this type of connection gives us a good feeling.

I asked about how I actually get there, he suggested that I just try to look at him more often. In the end I have to take that step, but that he's there to help. He also mentioned that I manage quite well at the end of sessions. Then he asked whether I wanted to try since we had to wrap up soon, which I did as usual. He commented that he was happy we just got to the point right away and didn't talk about other stuff, that it was an important discussion. Then he asked a few small-talk questions about my plans for the weekend before saying good bye.

Thursday with Dr. T:

When I got there, T warned me that the office would look different. He'd replaced his armchair with an office chair and put a different set of tables next to me (fish was still there though!) It was weird at first because T seemed like he was higher up in the chair, but he said he didn't think he was, that I looked the same. It just felt a bit awkward, adjusting. I said it feels different when he wears his glasses, too (usually wears contacts). I said he had to warn me if he was ever going to make some big personal appearance change, like shaving his head or his beard. He said then he'd be a bad therapist (or something like that).

At one point, we somehow ended up on the topic of my abandonment/rejection fears. He asked if I felt I had trouble judging how relationships are going, if I felt that had been an issue lately. Because he had the sense I'd been doing well with relationships and knowing where people stand. I said yes, doing better lately, but some of the stuff from the past still haunts me. Like exes. And my former best friend, who seemed to bail on me shortly after D was born.

We talked about that a bit, how with her, I was always sort of the "supportive friend," telling her what she wanted to hear. How I knew she could cut off people for being disloyal or critical. So...maybe I wasn't being myself with her. And in the midst of pregnancy and having D, I just couldn't deal with some of that stuff anymore (like once when she called to complain about a friend not seeming excited for her that she'd just gotten this fancy BMW--meanwhile, I was debating whether to spend the money for a new, not-fancy VW wagon because it would be safer and easier for D.).

T said that someone had told him this thing once..."Actually, I think it was [ex-MC] who told me...yeah, I think it was!" Me: "OK..." T said it was that if someone you know does something to other people, don't assume that they won't eventually do that same thing to you (referencing my friend). Me: "That makes a lot of sense. Don't tell him I said that!" T: "I know you're just being flippant, but I want to reassure you that I don't talk to him about you at all." Me: "I know. I trust that, since I ended the communication agreement."

I shifted to talking about what I'd emailed him about Tuesday night--where H and I had met with D's T, P (without D), to discuss some parenting stuff. I said it felt weird in a way because it was almost like marriage counseling. And I'd realized that I'd/we'd (perhaps subconsciously) sat in the same configuration we had in ex-MC's office, with me kind of between H and P (an L-shape). So it was bringing my mind back to that a bit. And I said it was interesting, because I found myself playing with my hair in there, which I only really do with male therapists... T: "You only do that with male therapists?" Me (turning red): "Yeah, mostly...though I tend to notice if I do that in here then stop." T: "Yeah, I think I mentioned it to you 6 months ago, and you've done it much less often since then." Me: "Is there a time when I seem to do that more? Just curious." T: "I've noticed uou tend to touch your hair when you're sad, when you're starting to get emotional." Me: "Hm, interesting..."

I went back to what I'd emailed him about, which was that it had seemed like H painted himself to P as this great parent, while I came across (mostly from my own telling) as not so great. And how P had suggested that I try to follow more how H deals with D in getting her to do things/disciplining her.

I had told T that I was just looking for support and a reality check from him that I wasn't the sh**ty parent that I felt like right then. He made the point in the email that it seems H tends to present his best self, while I tend to focus more on my shortcomings. Which I told him, in session, was quite accurate. And probably should have been obvious to me, but hey, that's why I pay him, right? T said lots of things can seem obvious and...gave the random example of inline skates, like why had no one thought of that before? I said it's also easier to see from the outside, and he agreed.

I started crying a bit and said how it felt a bit like how things had been with ex-MC, how in there it often seemed like I was the one with the problems. Like ex-MC would suggest it was me overreacting to H, that it was about my issues more than his. And I was afraid of that dynamic happening again. So I thought that's part of why I got so emotional about it after the session.

I said how part of me wanted T (in his email reply) to say, "You're a great mom!" But that I also realized that his saying that might help me in that moment, but not in the long run. Plus, he doesn't *really* know if I'm a good mom, just what I tell him. T: "Exactly, I don't know how you are as a mom. Plus, if I said you're a great mom, that might keep you from doing any improvements you might want to do."

He said how this next thing might come out wrong. But that you can both be doing an OK job and want to make improvements. How just because you think there's room for improvement, it doesn't mean you're doing a bad job now. I said that made sense.

We revisited an issue we've been having with D (something potentially triggering*), which is a big part of what led us to start seeing P. T said he hadn't experienced that happening with anyone he knows or has worked with (though he doesn't really work with kids--just teens, but also couples). He emphasized, as he has multiple times lately, that D is a challenging child to raise. Regarding the specific issue (see below), he said, "If I was dealing with that with my son, I wouldn't know how to handle it either." Me: "I really appreciate your saying that. It helps."

I knew was time to stop. T warned me that things were going to "get goofy" soon with scheduling. I was afraid he was taking a bunch of time off, but he's just off next Monday (said we can meet Tues/Fri if I want), then off Thurs/Fri. Thanksgiving week. I said, "OK, I was afraid you were going to say you were moving to Spain or something." T: "Then I'd have to learn Spanish." Me: "I don't know why i picked Spain." T: "It's a place!"

I'd paid at the beginning (our new ritual), so he stood up, opened the door, then held out his hand and I shook it. T: "It was good seeing you." Me: "Good seeing you, too." T: "Good luck with D." Me: "Thanks." T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too.

Comments (or PMs) welcome.

*What's going on with my D--please tread carefully:

I've missed your posts about sessions, LT

I'm sorry you are dealing with that with D. I wouldn't have a clue on how to handle that either.

My session went fine today. She had me do some testing for an ED and it showed a moderate chance that I have one. I told her that I didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving because “my dumb 400 pound jerk cousin will be there.” She just said “oh, ok” she’s not pressuring me into going or not going. I told her about my 2 hour long panic attack on Friday and she asked if going under the weighted blanket was avoiding the anxiety. It got rid of the panic attack so I personally think it was a good idea. I said I think my panic attack was related to my peppermint mocha and she said “does this happen every time you drink peppermint mocha?” And I said “yeah but you know it’s a seasonal flavor so I keep forgetting.” She didn’t say anything to that. Honestly she didn’t say much today. It was just the testing and me talking. She did say the rude random guy at the estate sale commenting that I looked tired was a jerk. So she did say some stuff.

I had a really useful session today, in terms of preparing for Sunday. R said that she re-read my email last night, and felt a pang in response to knowing I am going to deal with that.

‘Can you tell me a bit more about the trigger? You don’t have to if you don’t want to…’
‘For me, that song is inextricably linked to the last week of Chris’ life. When I found out, you know…we’ll stick with ‘you know’.’
‘OK.’
‘The week before I found out that she was not going to live, I had been learning the song at a local youth club. There was no indication that anything was going to happen. Then the following week I was putting the bass line with the chords and getting irritated. “She deserves to hear it once, perfectly…”
‘It became for Chris?’
‘Yes. The only version I can just about handle is John Lennon’s, because he doesn’t really sing it.’

We talked about my expectation that my personal stuff should not affect me in a professional capacity.

‘When you are at work, you should be bulletproof?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Please do.’
‘What is the worst that can happen, and can you survive it?’
‘I don’t want to cry in front of my boss, because of the awkward conversation that might ensue afterwards.’
‘The fear is crying in front of your boss. We have talked before about you not wanting to appear to be Fragile Lost.’ R asked who would be attending the service with me, and I filled her in.

She followed up by asking whether I would react in the same way if a colleague shared similar fears about a situation.

‘Of course not!’
‘You are able to show more compassion for others than yourself.’
We discussed how my default strategy when faced with that song has always been to leave.
‘In this case, I have to pay enough attention to what happens afterwards to be able to write about it for the website. I am very grateful that my colleague is doing the reading, and I didn’t step up.’
‘Is that something you would have considered, taking out the huge trigger?’
‘My colleague has an acting background.’
‘And the confidence.’
‘Yes.’
‘Could you let somebody know in advance that you’re going to find it difficult?’
‘If I let somebody know, there’s a tendency towards “You’ll be all right”.’ R seemed to get that.
‘This sounds stupid, but...It is stupid...’
‘You need to say it.’
‘I’d rather have a panic attack than cry in public.’
‘The Critic is loud today. Disproportionate earlier, now… That doesn’t sound stupid.’
R continued: ‘Can I just say Lost, that doesn’t sound stupid. From knowing you, that makes sense. With a panic attack, people don’t ask questions. When someone cries, it’s “Are you okay?”, “What’s wrong?”, “What happened?”’
‘Are you OK is the one I’m scared of.’
‘Perhaps you could consider how you will answer that?’
‘This event is really something to celebrate. It is the first time our young people have been invited to share their work. We have one young person reading. I love what I do, and I want to be able to enjoy this.’

‘You lit up then. Just a suggestion, but can you give as much air time to that as the other?’

‘The two things can co-exist.’

‘That moment will undoubtedly be difficult, and triggers have a way of pulling you down into a darkness that is difficult to get out of. When you feel that happening, do something.’
I paused the conversation there, because I needed to grab something.

‘For as long as I’ve dealt with anxiety, I have never owned a stress ball. We went to a garden centre on Sunday, and I got myself a stress sloth.’

She asked whether she could have a look. I handed it to her, and she commented that it felt nice, ‘but because it’s an animal, I don’t want to squeeze it too hard. I’d suggest you keep it in your pocket on Sunday.’

We had a chat about the things that have happened recently, and R said:

‘I’m quite a spiritual person, I don’t like to put it on people unless it is useful for you, but sometimes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Work is broadening your horizons, and you are increasing your resilience because of it.’