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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 01:49 PM
  #701
Session last night with Pastor T: first off, his knee was hurting. He had a knee replacement back in November and he had physical therapy that day and then he had worked out at the gym, so he thought he had overdone it. He had to stand up several times during our time together and he was sort of massaging his knee so I know it was getting in the way of our concentration. We started out with going over what he had asked me to do last week. So I started with the memory verse (which was actually a block of 5 verses) and I was able to recite them. Although I had a question about one of them--a theological question--because it didn't really make sense to me, so he answered that.


Then he had asked me to come up with a list of emotions. This is what I had come up with: calm, anxious, depressed, lonely, self-destructive, tired, suicidal, sick, nothing. He asked if nothing was like numb and I said no it's the absence of emotions. I told him that I had been having so many intense emotions that I was drained of emotions. He said that he didn't think self-destructive was an emotion. But I disagreed, I said I can say I feel self-destructive. He said he thinks it's anxiety. IDK. If it is anxiety, it's the worst kind of anxiety that I have ever felt that is for sure!


The third thing was to tell him trigger for Christianity
Possible trigger:
so I did that, and he said it was an interesting list.

When I told him about my week and all the struggles I had been having with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, wanting to SH, wanting to Sui, and then physical health stuff too, he was like, do you want to stop for tonight? I was sort of taken aback because we had just gotten there. I think he is afraid of pushing me over the edge, but I had committed to going so I felt like I needed to at least get 45 minutes out of it or something.


So I was telling him about stuff I had tried to help me through that dark space. I had texted friends, called friends, visited friends, took a day off of work, trigger for Christianity
Possible trigger:
but I had also done stuff like put a blanket over my head to handle all the sensory stuff and just try to get through it. I told him that my Mom had asked me if I needed to go to the hospital on Saturday night but how I had declined. He said I need to get out of my head more, to rely on other people more, to talk to them, not just text them and stuff. But really, what am I supposed to say? Call someone up and be like, I feel like cutting? I mean, that just doesn't seem like something one does. Or at least, it's not in my nature. Maybe because I was always taught not to make my needs known, IDK.


I don't really think he got the self-destructive part of my experience this week.
Possible trigger:
I as in a very bad spot emotionally. Trigger for Christianity
Possible trigger:
He was like, go for a walk, get some sunshine, go see a friend, watch something funny on TV. Etc. Etc. Basically distraction type stuff. That can work when it's not so intense, but when it is intense that stuff doesn't do it for me. I guess I was looking for something more profound.


He ended up telling me some strengths I have about myself that he hopes I can see someday.


I feel sad today. And I feel self-destructive. And I feel like I have lost some hope. It's a difficult day today.

Comments okay.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:59 AM
  #702
The Critic was present in session today from the word go. R came in and sat down, and said she wanted to ask me how I was, before deciding that wasn’t appropriate.
‘I know you were frustrated last week, so do you want to set out where you want to go?’ I said there were many directions the conversation could go in. In order to take control, I need a blueprint.
‘Shall we just see where it goes?’
‘Yes, I think that would be best.’ I then explained that I had done a collage in the aftermath of last session, and passed it to her.

‘What jumps out at me here is ‘The greatest danger’…the (D) and then the anger. And comfort in the corner.’
She went on to say that the rest felt ‘familiar’. ‘At this time of year,’ I said, ‘I have to fight really hard to get even a small amount of comfort. This time of year and April are really hard.’

‘We’ve said before that you are treading water.’ R asked how I was feeling in that particular moment.
‘I feel like I might cry, but I don’t want to.’

‘Some might say “I need to cry”, or “I want to cry.” You have just said the opposite. You’re trying to hold it in?’

‘Yes.’ Then we moved into talking about the meeting, and my limited contribution regarding the Disability Discrimination Act. I explained that I couldn’t talk much because…

‘No.’

‘I like that you know how that sentence ends. When I emailed and referred to November 2018, The Critic jumped in and said you wouldn’t know what I meant.’

‘I can…was that the time you answered the door and were very upset. Some things stay with me.’

Work was the main topic of conversation today, and I made R laugh a couple of times with reference to the incredible journey to the loo, and hiding behind a cabinet to do breathing exercises.

‘Are you sabotaging your own session today by making me laugh?’

‘…It’s a strategy.’

R recognises that with our grace period being extended, this means more time for me to worry about the move. She asked whether there was anyone at work that I might be able to talk to. I mentioned my boss and then said that she knows I am grateful in so many respects, but does not know why.
R reminded me that I have earned my position. ‘It wasn’t just handed to you.’ She said she sometimes experiences the same thing. We talked about the challenge of containing anxiety. When there are physical symptoms, there are medications you can take.

I said that in speaking to my boss there were some key concerns I had. ‘They pretty much sum up why this week has been hard. I don’t want pity, I don’t want sympathy, I just need reassurance that everything will be OK.’

We talked about how my sense of safety has been impacted by the wider situation.
‘Even when you are externally perfectly safe, or with people who can keep you safe, you don’t feel it.’
‘Because I believe that my mind should be a safe place, and mine is not.’
R said that she didn’t want me to move towards self blame, but: ‘At that time, your boundaries weren’t the strongest. They took advantage of you, they took…[the piss, I think] and it seems to me that this has impacted on your sense of self.’
She went on to say that she can pretty much trust her gut feeling about something. She may phone a friend, and that might influence her, but she will still follow her gut instinct.

‘I don’t have that.’
‘Being emotionally abused had that impact on you.’

We moved into another area of discussion, and then I eventually said: ‘That term you used, earlier…’

‘I can’t remember what term?’

‘Emotionally abused.’

‘Was it too hard-hitting?’

‘No. That’s the term I want to use for the wider situation.’

Earlier in the session I had spoken about feeling weak, feeling like I should be over this by now.
‘Do you think using that term will help you show more compassion to yourself? If you call a spade a spade?’

I laughed and then told R the story of Chris’ and my conversation after the 2006 World Cup quarter final, where I had attempted to cheer her up with an English joke that got lost in translation.
I told R about my poem being published and she said she would like to read it.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 10:48 PM
  #703
Last week one day I was in a better mood than usual and joked around a lot, and this week T kept talking about it. I told him I'm never doing it again because obviously now he's disappointed when I'm not that much fun.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 02:51 PM
  #704
Yesterday's session was rough and I'm having intense clingy feelings towards my therapist. He asked me a very point blank question about something that I've been talking around very subtly for all of our time together. Something I didn't really feel ready to address head-on even after 3.5 years together. But yesterday it was brought out in all its shame-covered ugliness and it can't be put back in its box fully anymore. I just sat there with my hands covering my face. I finally told him a bit about how I was feeling and asked him why he did this to me and cried. He put his hand on my shoulder for a while and we just sat there. The end of session came and went and he asked me if this was one of those times when I didn't want to be seen and I nodded yes. He asked how I was going to feel after I left and this weekend. We started the session by talking about my suicidal thoughts and how hard weekends are for me. He admitted it wasn't the best timing to ask me this with only 10 minutes left in session and right before the weekend. I finally managed to remove my hands from my face long enough to pull my hoodie over my head. He said "you don't need to hide from me". He asked if I wanted him to reach out this weekend, I said no, but that wasn't really true. He asked me to reach out to him if I needed to and I told him I would. When I finally managed to get up and leave we were 15 minutes past the end of session. I noticed the next client was waiting for him and I felt kind of bad because he was going to have to go straight from my intensity to this guy with little to no break. I ended up emailing him a short note later that afternoon telling him what that felt like and he responded that he felt more connected to me and appreciative of our work together. Now I'm just feeling really clingy, like he's going to disappear or reject me now that this thing is out there. I really want to email him, I guess for reassurance. At the same time I feel so ashamed and I'm not sure how I can go to Monday's session without feeling completely exposed and vulnerable.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 03:14 PM
  #705
Hugs, NP...I've been there, and it's so difficult. I have a bad habit of bringing up stuff like that near the end of session. And then, yeah, having the clinginess, insecurity, wanting reassurance. It sucks that *he* did that, but I'm glad he let you stay for a bit. And his reply to the email sounds nice and caring. If you want to PM me what it was about, feel free to. If not, all good.
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Default Jan 27, 2020 at 03:47 PM
  #706
My session wasn’t bad today. I was a bit anxious. More then usual but we talked about it. I was really hungry too. I actually asked her if she had food. She just said no and asked if I was hungry. But she didn’t mention me restricting or dieting or anything. We talked about my anxiety at work for most of the session.

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Default Jan 30, 2020 at 09:32 AM
  #707
Today’s session ended up being one of the hardest and most enlightening I have had with R to date. I began by showing her the poem I finished on Tuesday evening, 20 minutes before all hell broke loose.

‘What jumps out at me here is that everything you have said, according to Brené Brown would be the opposite of being brave.’

‘She has definitely flipped the traditional definitions of those words.’

From talking about the poem, I moved into talking about the aftermath of the last session, and the onslaught of trigger dates.

‘I felt I was more guarded last session.’
‘I noticed that you hid from me more. I couldn’t see your face.’

I then explained that I had been thinking about what I need from her.

‘When I am in that difficult place, I feel I need…it’s so stupid.’
‘I immediately jump on the word stupid.’

‘It feels daft, because a lot of the time I am holding your hand anyway when we talk about these things, but I feel as though I need more verbal reassurance.’

‘Even though…’ I reached for her hand. ‘Even though the abuse is over, it is still having an impact on my relationships. When friends ask how I am, I say “Fine, thanks.” and get a ‘Yeah, that is convincing.’

‘The cost of being brave is never letting the mask drop. And I wonder how successful you are being?’

R then said she wondered what I was like at responding to my needs before.

‘With your approval, I will use the word. Maybe that will make it easier for you to use the word.’

Somehow the conversation shifted back to verbal reassurance.
‘I don’t want to interrupt your flow, but I think we skirted around what that would look like for you.’

‘Even though you are here holding my hand…It’s ‘You’re safe’, ‘Stay with it’, and…this sounds daft… ‘I’m still here.’

‘Thank you. I might make a note, but I think I will remember them.’
I talked about how I hate bringing Chris into this, but…
‘Everything I know about…’
‘Do you want a hand?’

I accepted. ‘Everything I know about cancer came from my experience with Chris. She did not share much about her health with me, so when she could no longer provide updates, information came from other people.

I filled R in a little more on the timeline, and the difference between the last conversation and the others.

‘Chris initiated that conversation. I would like to think that was because she wanted to let me know what was going on.’

I explained what Chris had shared with me, and the fact that another operation ‘Maybe next year’ was like cold water over my head.

‘She said ‘If you visit the board, tell them’, and I asked whether I could message Jonathan, whoever they were.’ I continued. ‘That was the most disrespectful and damaging thing I could have done!’
‘Intent is important. That’s what I want to leave hanging at this point. What I hear is you were making sure you had support. I hear your anger directed at Lost, rather than those people.’ She sounded sad as she said that.

I was quiet for a moment, and then said:

‘Did I essentially give them the information they needed on what would shake me to my core?’
‘Quite possibly, Lost. I hear some self blame.’

‘Throughout it all, everything she was dealing with. Her illness and the demands of family life, Chris always made time for me. I always felt like she had my back, and now…’

‘It’s OK, Lost…go there.’

‘You sound incredulous about that. No matter what, she always had your back, and that is such a huge thing to lose.’

We were well over time by this point, but R said she now has a new understanding of my anger, and how much of that is on Chris’ behalf. I said it would be good to pick that thread up next week.

R said that she had another appointment to get to, but didn’t want to leave me feeling raw. She led me through a breathing exercise based on breathing out tension (one colour) and breathing in support and the sense of having my needs met (multicoloured).

Earlier in the session, we talked about endeavouring to meet my needs or get them met before they become urgent. R made the analogy using thirst as an example, but this also applies to emotional needs.

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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 01:40 PM
  #708
SK, I do not think self destructive is an emotion. I think it is compulsive thought you have in response to certain emotions that you find intolerable. The compulsion to think about SH is your way of attempting to regulate yourself even when you don't act on the impulse. If you ruminate on doing that thing you put in the trigger, you won't think about the things that are actually causing you pain. If you actually SH, you then take part in that ritual and then deal with the consequences, but not how you were feeling. It is all compulsive avoidance of your emotions.

I know about this. I am an expert in compulsively avoiding all sorts of things, my emotions included.

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Default Jan 31, 2020 at 02:10 PM
  #709
I started off by saying something that I really knew would get under his skin.

He told me he did feel irritated.

Then I told it was made it up.

I expected him to react differently and start verbally showing his anger eg shouting/swearing but him not reacting and just going quiet actually surprised me.

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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 02:56 PM
  #710
Saturday's Session with Regular T: It went pretty well. It wasn't my scheduled day or time but I got a slot because I asked if she had an opening since I had just gotten out of the hospital and she had three, so it wasn't like I was taking someone else's slot that needed it more than me. She was like, so....hospitalized. How was that? I told her about it. I told her about the rude ER doctor. I told her how I wasn't suicidal but no one believed me. She asked me if this is the worst SH that I have ever done and I said yes. Trigger for SH.
Possible trigger:
She audibly gasped and was like, hold on I need a moment to get over that one. She had me contract with her that I wouldn't SH this week until I see her next. And she was like remember, you can't see me if you are in the hospital. Um. Doh. No kidding. I have no immediate plans to go back to the hospital. In fact if I ever do something like this again, I probably just won't go to the hospital and the SH can just heal however. It was not worth it. Not for that treatment.


She said she knows I have a lot of pressure on me right now to not SH and that is actually making it worse. So instead of stopping SH we are just going to pause SH for a little while. I was okay with that. I know it is just wording. But, wording matters. Right now I am okay with pausing. We talked about what triggered me, how I was feeling, I couldn't get beyond, or more in depth than, depressed. She was like, you are so dissociated from your feelings. I was like how do you get un-dissociated? She was like, it's hard. You're going to have to feel things. She asked me what I could have done differently. I said I could have called someone. She was like could you have gone to your friend X and stayed at their house for a while. And I was like, yes. And she was like, but you didn't. Obviously not. So we talked about how I need to listen to those warning bells and notice when I start to slide into really not well territory. She says I'm fine and then all the sudden I'm not fine and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, it just happens. This is a remark she has made before. So if I can try to start to recognize when I am sliding, we can hopefully interrupt it. Regular T seemed to think I was having some buried passive suicidal thinking/feelings. IDK. She says with me sometimes she feels like banging her head against the wall. She asked me if I would see her in one week and I said yes.

Pastor T last night: This went pretty well I think. I didn't want to talk a lot about the SH because I'm under contract and I didn't want to get triggered. We talked about the hospital. He asked if it was scary. I said it was at times. We talked about the ER and how the ER doctor was so mean to me. He said I could have asked for another doctor, or a patient advocate. I didn't know that. I guess good to know for the future if I am ever in this position again. He said the ER doctor was doing his job though. That even though I was saying I wasn't suicidal, my actions were showing otherwise. I guess that sort of backs up what Regular T said about the buried passive suicidality.


We talked about the homework assignments from two weeks ago. I was able to complete them. He gave me four more homework assignments. I've done one this morning and started another one. They are mostly religious in nature so I am not really going to talk about them here. One that isn't religious is to talk to one of my support people on the phone. Not texting. Ugh. I hate talking on the phone.


Pastor T said I'm stubborn. That I'm smart but that I am stubborn as the day is long. He's not the first person to tell me that. He asked me if I really wanted to get well. That sort of annoyed me because of course I want to get well. He said it is within my power to do so. I don't know about that. I can't control the depression (I can treat it, I can try to alleviate it, but I don't control it), or the anxiety, or the hallucinations. He said I could learn to manage the hallucinations (I don't know about that either) but then he changed from manage to another word but I can't remember that. And of course with SH, he was like, you could just not do it. He makes it sound simple, but it's not that simple. That was frustrating and annoying right there. I do want to get well, I want to get better. But I also need to be able to deal with all these emotions and I haven't been able to yet. I told him I wished I were a robot. I'll see him next week.

Comment okay,
Kit

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Default Feb 04, 2020 at 06:28 PM
  #711
My session went fine today. I told her about the stalker therapist. She said “yeah that would have freaked me out too.” I like it when she justifies my anxiety. We just talked about the usual. Work, transitioning, anxiety, nutrition. We did more, fun talking? Is that the word? This time then we usually do. We talked about different food recipes and joked about Pdoc and stuff. She asked about my seasonal depression and I told her it was about the same as it usually it this time of year. We talked about my fears about the stuff that’s going on in the world. She says I’m asking for reassurance too much from her. And yeah I know I am and I need to work on it. Overall it was a normal session that went fine.

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Default Feb 10, 2020 at 03:05 PM
  #712
I don’t get how someone without a job with severe mental illness is going to survive with these possible cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and social security. I was talking with my therapist today and she told me that if you don’t have a severe physical disability and are young you very easily could not qualify anymore. I have a job now and if I get cut it will be difficult but I’ll manage and I have a lot of experience so finding a second job won’t be an issue. but I know people in their mid 20’s who are in and out of the hospital every month who have never worked a day in their life who could possibly lose everything. What will happen to them?

My session actually went very well today. It was a good one.

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Default Feb 13, 2020 at 10:20 AM
  #713
Today’s session was a push–pull between needing to get something out and having to be OK for training tomorrow. R replied to my e-mail first thing and said ‘Your agenda as always, but perhaps we could talk about this in session.’
When she arrived, I thanked her for the e-mail and confirmed that was my intention but I had flagged it up so that I didn’t spend half the session not talking about it. She compared my emotional experience to being hit by a tidal wave, so I’m confident she understands the depth of it.
‘Considering what we had been discussing, I heard the first line and my shoulders met my ears.’
I explained that the experience was on a par with the cinema experience.
‘I’ve cried before, I’ve…Whatever the past tense of shaking is before…’
‘Shaken? I am being smart now!’
R continued ‘What jumped out at me from your e-mail was “If there’s any correlation between emotion and physical pain, I could almost believe the Critic.” Somewhere along the line, someone has told you or you have told yourself that crying is dangerous.’
We talked about this a little before I explained that it feels like too much for one person to handle, but it is impossible to explain, because it feels illogical that I should be in this much emotional pain after so long. I then had an argument with myself about logic and emotion.
‘You caught yourself, though.’ R noticed that I looked like I was in a similar place.
‘And I am fighting it.’
‘Fighting it?’

‘I should have started with this, but I have training tomorrow.’

‘OK. I see why you want to stay in a good frame of mind.’

Nevertheless, the rest of the session revolved around my belief that none of this would have happened if Chris were still here.

‘This is going to sound like I blame her.’

‘By saying that you’ve cancelled it out. You’re not blaming her.’
‘I don’t blame her, I don’t blame her.’
R asked whether she could interject. ‘From knowing you and understanding your relationship with Chris, there is no part of me that thinks you are blaming her. Perhaps the circumstances, but not her.’
‘Nothing in this ****ing world can change that. I never knew anything about Chris’ health until I had to, and the not knowing was a gift.’

‘What always strikes me when you talk about Chris is that you had that blessing of not knowing. Then the emotional abuse happened.’ I almost recoiled.

‘I know what I just did. We agreed to use the term.’
‘The mistake was mine.’

‘That takes me back. What do you mean?’

I explained about the short period of time between Chris’ death and my maternal grandfather’s death. ‘Why do I feel like this is new information?’

‘You have told me about that before.’
‘In the aftermath of Chris’ death, the one person I wanted…that sounds weird.’
‘Don’t worry about how it is going to come out. I think I know what you are trying to say.’ R then said that she wanted to be mindful of not leaving me in a difficult place, but did I want to finish that thought?

‘The one person you wanted to talk to about Chris’ death was Chris.’
R then said that she wanted to do a review of the session to wrap up. She mentioned that I had been intellectualising a lot.

‘When we first met, you had the timeline, and I felt like what you wanted was to narrate every element and understand how it happened. Then you realised that there are emotional elements to it, and now you are thinking ‘I don’t want to touch that emotional ****!’ It’s scary.’
I laughed. ‘Exactly.’

‘You’re laughing, but it rings true?’

In that moment, R’s ‘impression of me’ was spot on.
We had to finish there, but I mentioned my intention to R to say something to my boss about the impact of the upheaval at work on my mental health.
‘That’s really brave.’

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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Feb 17, 2020 at 07:52 PM
  #714
I was kind of moody in my session today. It was visible. My moods aren’t usually noticeable. Venting actually made me feel a lot better. I felt the session was very productive as a result. I was able to voice a lot of my concerns. And she said what I was feeling was justified and that I had a right to feel what I was feeling. She was understanding. She also told me she could write letters to my insurance company to get them to pay for surgeries. Which is good.

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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 12:36 PM
  #715
*There could be mention of Christianity or Christian Practices throughout since this was about Pastor T*
I saw him last night. I was feeling heavily sedated and tired from the medication change. He asked me about my week. My parents had been away and that is usually hard for me. I made myself very busy last week. I told him that I had seen my psychiatrist, hence the medication changes. He, comically, looked it up on his phone. Good old Google. He does have a medication book but it is outdated. He seemed to think that I shouldn't be feeling sedated but it is listed as a side effect of the anti-psychotic medication that was increased. I also told him that I had gone to the NAMI support group meeting. He asked me if I would go back. I said I would probably try it again. I'm not sure yet if it is helpful but I did at least try it and I participated.


I told him that I was having hallucinations that day (yesterday) of rats. He asked me how I dealt with it. I said after I got over the initial "shock" of it that I was telling myself that it wasn't real, it was a hallucination that it wasn't going to hurt me. He said that was good but that I should also pray to God and praise God for being with me and letting me know that it wasn't real.


We went over the homework. I had to memorize a verse, which I did. I had to do a chapter in this book he likes to use, which I did and I had to discuss what I got out of it. Like how I was applying it to my life. Then I had to discuss how the Holy Spirit helps me with Spiritual Warfare. He said I made some good observations and now I need to apply it to my life. I need to say no to the Self Harm. Of course my anxiety spiked then. Earlier he had asked me if my anxiety had spiked last week when we were together. I told him it had. He said I wasn't able to tell him then that it had. He asked me what I did to get over it? I didn't know. I just got through it. The last part of the homework was going over how your blood is cleaned in your body. I have a delusion that there is something wrong with my blood. Even though my blood tests come back fine. He said what am I going to believe, science? or emotions? Emotions can be curiously powerful. I know he wants me to believe science, and I want to too, but it's hard when I feel something and it's hard to convince myself that it is not real.

We went over what I am going to do for homework this week. We talked more about the blood and what I feel is wrong with it. He said I struggle a lot. He said to take care of myself and stay out of hospitals. I told him that I hadn't self-harmed in 23 days.


What I didn't tell him is that I feel like I need to throw out my things I use to self-harm. But I'm having trouble parting with one of them. I know he would tell me to pray about it and then be obedient to what God is telling me to do. It's hard because I want to hang onto it. Which means I am not totally ready to give up self harm, right? He asked me if I am doing it (giving it up) because everyone is pressuring me to, or do I want to. I told him it's complicated. He said of course. I said I do want to give it up, but that yes people are pressuring me.


All in all, I thought it was good. He said I worked hard.


Comments okay, Kit

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Default Feb 18, 2020 at 07:45 PM
  #716
A snippet...

At the beginning-
Me: You were in my dream.
T: Uh-oh. That's not good. (laughing) It's like when my voice gets in your head and you think, "Oh, be quiet, (T)."

Later-
T: (talking- something about how I can't control everything around me. WhatEVER.)
Me, making a face: Is it only when I hear your voice in my head that I can tell you to be quiet?

I cried a lot today. It was a good session. Not because I cried a lot, but because it was fruitful. Apparently I had a lot of crying that needed doing.

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Default Feb 19, 2020 at 09:04 AM
  #717
This was Monday, seeing him again today

The session before we'd talked about me wanting to be able to actually go into my emotions in session, instead of being detached 99.9% of the time and getting hit with all my emotions at once and having breakdowns every once in a while.
I admitted to him on Monday that it would be helpful if he pushed me on the eye contact thing. There have been a few times he's asked me to look at him but I usually say that I can't. I need him to be a bit more persistent with this. His response was about other things he wants me to do in addition to making eye contact: sitting in the chair instead of on the floor and taking all self harm off the table. I kind of shut down and got upset about that because I felt like I'd told him something that would be helpful for me even though it's really hard and it felt like he'd just listed off all the other things I wasn't doing right. I told him this and he reflected on it and said he could understand how I would feel like that. After a bit of silence and sulking he asked me what I was feeling at the moment and I sullenly responded "petulant" and got a bit of a laugh from him. He tried to get me to look up but I told him now was not a good time and to drop it. I was feeling too resentful of how he'd handled it.

I changed the subject and brought up a realization I'd had about some abuse memories. We talked about the memories more in depth, he asked questions that kind of took me back into the memories. When I'd gone into them when I was alone I got really upset in like a threatened fight or flight way, and felt a bit hysterical, but there in the room I felt detached and not all there. I told him this. The last thing that I asked him as I was about to leave was "do you believe me," something I've asked many times before. He said what he always says, that yes he believes me. I think I was crying at that point. Then he told me to be careful and try to be present on my ride home. He sounded concerned. I waited outside a bit until I felt slightly less detached from everything before getting on my motorcycle, but I was still pretty out of it for a few hours.
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Default Feb 20, 2020 at 09:07 AM
  #718
Today’s session ended up being a bit more work focused than I had intended, but it was all useful. R came in and sat down and immediately asked how my training went. I replied that it was good, and then mentioned the meeting I had with my boss.
‘She had things she wanted to talk about, and I had things I wanted to talk about. I didn’t get the chance to talk about the move.’
R reminded me that the fact I want to is big –‘a move towards authenticity.’
We talked about a piece that I want to write on mental health, and my perception of my responsibilities towards my students.
‘I don’t want to come across as Fragile Lost. If you Google me, certain things will come up.’
R. offered the perspective that my writing on mental health and sharing it may lead to my students respecting me more.
I then spoke of my concern that ‘those people’ might find it.
‘Those people could be anybody, but calling them ‘my’ anything is a bit too close for comfort.’
R offered that I might be thinking about this too much through the lens of what might happen.
‘What if you wrote this piece and it was well received?’
I appreciated her point of view. She offered that I might consider ‘Give me the courage to accept what I can change…’

‘The Serenity Prayer?’ I recited it.

‘I am not sure whether that is what I am thinking of…’

I then explained that I feel as though I have been in a state of suspended animation for a week, finding it hard to hold things.

‘Hold as in hold them back, or be with them?’
‘Hold them back. Throughout this week, a fragment of a song has been playing in my head, and I would like to share it with you. It’s very short.’

R commented that she thought something was different, but hadn’t noticed my tablet.
‘You said it’s very short, as if to say “I’m not going to keep you long.” If you wanted to play music throughout, this is your space.’

I played the excerpt, then R asked if I could turn it up slightly and play it again. I did so, and when it finished, she asked me what it meant to me. I stumbled over my words and swatted the Critic away a couple of times.
‘You are really fighting with the Critic today, but you are winning.’

Eventually, I said that the song spoke to me about being utterly alone with something nobody else understands.
‘Chris had a deep understanding of the song, and I didn’t, but now…It’s different, but the song means a lot.’
‘The bit before you tunred it off…was that something about a cloud? I am not going to pretend I heard the lyrics.’ I passed her a printed version.

‘We’ve talked about your bubble. Is that what being alone with it was like for you?’
‘Can we change tenses?’

‘Sorry, as I said it…Is.’

We talked about how Chris’ absence was the catalyst for all this, then R gave me a time warning.
‘Going forward…my magical thinking really pisses me off.’
‘Magical thinking?’

‘Wishing that this could be any different than it is.’

R asked whether I wanted support in thinking it could be different. I replied that I want help in dealing with what is present right now. ‘This is the only place I feel safe enough to face those feelings.’
‘While you were talking then, I had an image of a wave. Once the wave breaks, it is calm again. So it is more about moving towards those feelings?’

‘Yes.’

R said that she felt I was better able to access that deep space when she sat in front of me. She has been having physio for back issues, but confirmed that she is now happy to move if that is what I need.
‘I remember. I hadn’t wanted to ask.’
‘No, so I just thought I would break that.’
We did another breathing exercise to finish, focusing on relieving some of the tension in my shoulders.

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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Feb 26, 2020 at 02:37 PM
  #719
I had therapy today and I texted my mom that I was having SI last night and asked if she could call T and give her a heads up. Well T asked the whole SI questions and I answered
them carefully so I could avoid an involuntarily hospitalization. She “cleared” me and we went on. It ended up being a very productive and helpful session and I feel a lot better then I’ve felt in a few days.

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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 08:35 AM
  #720
Today’s session ended up going deep. R flagged up what I had said about guilt in my email, and asked me whether I could pinpoint the difference between this and previous anniversaries.

‘In previous years, it was a celebration of the gift that was Chris’ friendship – right place, right time…amongst thousands of other members, but only a few active members, and I was so lucky…’

‘And this year?’

I talked about the tension between the anger and the sense of celebration, and then read an excerpt from my journal in which I talked about being left with words I would not say to another human being.

‘I no longer have to deal with intolerable information at inconvenient times, but I have to deal with intolerable feelings at inconvenient times. I became a dumping ground for all their pain, as well as my own.’ I paused. ‘What the **** am I supposed to do with that?’
R asked me to try out a few phrases.

‘I have the right to be angry about things that were done to me.’
‘I have the right to be angry about things that were done to me.’ I reported that I felt a ‘solid feeling’ in my stomach. R asked whether it was comfortable or uncomfortable.

‘Uncomfortable.’

‘How about ‘I have a right to be angry’?’
‘I have a right to be angry.’ I reported a spreading feeling in my stomach.
‘More or less comfortable?’

‘Less comfortable.’

‘How about ‘Everybody has a right to be angry?’
‘Everybody has a right to be angry…I felt that in my chest, not in my stomach. That feels right.’
‘Remember what we said last time about anger being a feeling and then an action? Perhaps we could change that statement to ‘Everybody has a right to feel angry’, but I don’t want to confuse things too much.’
‘Yes.’

R asked whether we could put anger and sadness side by side.

‘Can you say those statements again?’
‘Starting with the first one?’
‘Just the last two.’

‘Everybody has a right to be sad.’ I didn’t feel a strong response with that one.
‘I have a right…’ I reached for R’s hand.
‘I have a right to be sad.’ I reported that I felt a sensation of collapsing inward.
‘I have to deal with all this ****, and my person is gone.’ My voice cracked as I said the last words.
‘You have to deal with all this ****, and your person is gone.’
‘Your person is gone, and you are on your own.’

‘Rationally I know I am not…’

‘You’re going into rationally, try and stay with the emotion.’
R said that she was going to say another word. ‘Caution.’ I almost laughed.

‘Throughout our relationship,’ she said ‘I have experienced you as cautious. You filter what you want to say, and avoid getting too close to emotions.’
‘If I get too close to anger, I burn to a crisp. If I get too close to the sadness, I go over the edge.’
‘It sounds as though you have made up your mind about what will happen. Do you know what is over the edge?’
‘No.’
‘Nobody wants to go over the edge, and nobody wants to burn to a crisp. So, what are you left with?’
‘Staying where I am.’
‘And how does it feel staying where you are?’
‘Ten tonne backpack. Stuck.’
R highlighted the difference between the two experiences. Chris respected and protected me, and made me feel safe. I nearly cried at that point.
‘The abuse only happened because Chris died and they had access.’

R offered that we could do some breathing to finish the session, before asking whether there was anything else I wanted to bring up. I said there wasn’t, not that I could bring up in that moment.
R led me through an exercise devised to release the tension in my shoulders.

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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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