In Session Today: Part VI

My first virtual session with R went well. She asked how I am doing, and I dodged it.

‘What did you get from my latest email?’
‘I got that you were not coping well.’

We talked about the specifics, and then I segued into talking about the retreat.

‘It’s almost Sod’s Law that the biggest writing thing I have ever done coincides with a global pandemic!’ I told R about all the things I learned from the retreat, and Cathy’s kindness. I explained that I feel like there are more important things going on in the world.

‘Whatever is going on in the world, Lost, you are still you.’
‘On the Sunday evening, when I went down for the introduction to the retreat, we all shared a little about the things we are writing. I took a couple of false starts and then explained that I am writing about my experience of online friendship and catfishing. Before I came away that night, Cathy came to say goodbye, looked me in the eye and said ‘Well done for saying it out loud.’

‘What I am hearing is that you found a way of explaining that is comfortable for you. That sounds like validation to me – did you feel heard?’
‘Yes, I did. After our most recent conversation, which I am not sure you could call a conversation because I was crying for most of it…I actually looked at my options for cancellation.’
‘I feel like I kind of put that on the table. I must admit it was difficult to see you so distressed, so I just tried to hold you, physically and emotionally.’
‘Since then, I broke three times.’

‘Broke?’

‘Cried.’

I explained that Cathy had set up a room for me, even though I didn’t end up staying, and that proved very useful.
‘On the Tuesday morning, we did an exercise called Ugly Noises. Start by humming, and then make a noise you wouldn’t normally make. It helps loosen up the writing.’
I explained that I wrote about the Easter Sunday service at the Methodist church. ‘I didn’t get into anything meaty, but after lunch, I felt like I needed to scream.’ R asked about the specifics of the need to scream, but I couldn’t elaborate.
‘I ended up going into the room, closing the door, and starting to hum. Then I began to cry.’
‘I just wanted to reflect back to you that you’ve spoken about crying, and you kind of brushed over it, I don’t know whether it’s because we’re on Skype, but I see a kind of confidence in you since the retreat.’
R said she wondered how kind I am being to myself with everything that’s going on. When we began, I noticed she was wearing a ‘Be kind’ t-shirt.
‘I thought it was apt.’
Her cat was present for part of the conversation, but wandered off when she realised that she was not the centre of attention.
R mentioned that although she isn’t qualified for online therapy – ‘it is a thing’ -

‘In the case of an established relationship, such as between you and I, the need outweighs anything else.’
‘Yes, it’s important….’ I couldn’t finish my sentence.

‘Perhaps my boundaries are down in light of everything that is going on, but as your therapist and someone who cares about you, I want to say that I am really, really proud of you for going and creating that safety for yourself.’
We set up for next Thursday, when we will use Zoom instead.

The second video chat session went much better. She immediately brought up the email. She said it was totally ok to email her but because of HIPAA she couldn’t discuss things through email. She said if I wanted to I could send her a chain of emails or just one long one and we could discuss it at the next session. She said it was totally fine though.

I told her about my second injection. She asked if I was having any side effects. I said the only one I was having was a weird one. She said “what is it?” And I asked if anyone was home and she said no and I explained that my sex drive was really high. And she said it was to be expected. And she said “are you handling it ok?” Um, yeah???

Besides that we just discussed work and the virus and a few other things. Besides it being video chat it was basically a normal sessions

Today was our 3rd video session since it all kicked off. We started online a week ahead of most people because, it turns out, T has a heart condition I didn't know about.
Last couple of sessions have been frustrating for me. Chatty. And my kids being home from school hasn't helped. Today, I had our session from my empty office (I come into contact with nobody as I can park outside my office and there is nobody else in the building). I much preferred having the privacy, and fewer distractions, though T said he could hear the traffic noise quite loudly my end, which I couldn't, because I was wearing headphones.
We had had a couple of emails back and forth since last week. One where he seemed kind of annoyed with me (as I had said 'I think you were feeling x last session') and he had written (inc capitals) 'I was NOT feeling x'. And then he had done much better when I pointed out he seemed annoyed and we felt okay again. So I said we need to talk about that. I said how one of my biggest fears is being 'too much for him' and it leaves me feeling, he has his own stuff going on, I should disappear. He said he wants to break that into two parts: 1) he doesn't experience me as too much and 2) yes, he has a lot going on, adapting to this new reality, and it's possible those difficulties slip through into how he communicates sometimes. I said "so maybe that part of you finds that part of me too much?" T smiled and thought for a while and said "in that moment, perhaps that interaction was too much for a part of me, but I am not a static entity, and neither are you, and you are not too much for me".

We talked about my usual routine coming to visit him. I talked about the lovely cafe, near him that I visit. I said, I suppose it is closed? He said yes. I said I miss it. Then I paused and said, "what I am filtering is that I miss you more". T said "I'm flattered you miss me more than a cup of coffee!" I said "[cafe name] is more than a cup of coffee!" And we laughed. And then we talked about the ritual of visiting and the drive and everything.

I drive about 1h 20m to see him, and I had to get used to roundabouts to do that, because there are about 3 billion of them between my house and his. T said that his first T (when he was in his 20s) lived about 10 mins from where I live now, so he did the exact same journey as me but in the other direction. And he had learned to drive in an area without roundabouts, so he had had to get used to them on that journey too. There was also a cafe there that he used to frequent, just like me. Somehow we got onto talking about other similarities between us, and how I enjoy the parallels. We often talk in metaphors about our relationship, as though we are on a journey together, roped together. T said it is as though the rope is made up of threads, and our similarities represent some of those threads. I liked that. I said that means the rope can't be broken. T asked me how I felt about that. I said it make me feel less nervous about our bond breaking through this. T said good. I said I didn't often use the word bond, but I liked it. T said it is a good word, because it means connection, but like "my word is my bond" it also means commitment. I said to T that I noticed he had used the word commitment to describe his feelings towards our work a few times, including in the email he sent me to let me know he had to self-isolate. I said "I feel like it's not that you care because you are committed, I feel like you are committed because you care". T said that's right.

We had a few moments of silence, just looking at each other. It was different, because I find eye contact so comforting, and that is absent, but it gave me pause to notice the careful attention he gave to me and think about the ways we had already nurtured the connection, through giving time to the threads of our rope. It was nice to show him my office space too and I took the laptop round the room to give him a little guided tour. He said that his background would get tidier and tidier as the weeks went on, but this is our third week and his office is as messy as ever

I love him, and I am glad we are making this work in some small way. It's not the same, but today, for the first time, it felt okay.

I floundered my way through a really tough virtual session with R. She could see that I was struggling. We greeted one another, and she asked how I am.

‘In times like these, that is a really difficult question…’ I promptly burst into tears. ‘I didn’t want this to happen.’
‘It’s OK, Lost. I know it isn’t the same, but I can still hold you emotionally.’
I composed myself, and then said ‘Shall we start with the artwork?’

‘Yes, let’s.’ I then attempted to fumble through a description of the piece.
‘Have you got it with you?’
‘I can grab it – let me just do that.’

I returned and said ‘Thank goodness one of us is on it!’ I proceeded to talk her through the picture.
‘I still wanted to try and talk about this, because you asked me a question at the end of that session, although I wouldn’t call it a conversation.’
‘What did I ask you, Lost?’

‘Are you scared. I wanted to speak, but the emotions got there first. You can’t put punctuation marks in file names, so the piece is actually called ‘Scared’ question mark.’

I explained that I was surprised by the existence of the orange figures ‘because I didn’t think there was anger there.’
‘The orange figures are anger?’
‘Yes, and the dark figures are there, because they are always there. The central figure is me, as always.’ I continued. ‘I haven’t been keeping track, but I have cried five times in the last three weeks, and I didn’t want to make it six, but I suppose I already have.’

‘How do you feel right now?’
‘Reaching for a piece of paper.’ I wrote the words ****ING FANTASTIC TIMING. R read it and nodded.
‘Mum’s noticed now, and my support worker yesterday. She came to help me with a bath. I asked the same question I always ask…I reached for my piece of paper. AS IF PEOPLE FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL MEAN THIS IS OVER FASTER.’

‘I am not proud of myself, but she said something about ‘And it’s Easter next weekend.’ I replied ‘That’s part of the ****ing problem.’

‘That strikes me as really authentic.’ I explained that not everybody who supports me knows about what I am dealing with.
‘I have only told those who are closer to me in age, because of the explanation.’

R said she could see me quivering, and urged me not to fight the emotions. ‘This is a really difficult time of year for you anyway, without the pandemic. We’ve talked before about a tap. I would offer you to do whatever it takes to relieve some of that pressure.’
‘Reaching out to people is hard because of the situation. I’m struggling to stay afloat.’
‘You’ve been treading water for a long time. It sounds to me like you’re tired, and you don’t want to try to fight this.’
‘You said it.’ I paused because I didn’t know what to say next.
‘This year was the first year I had a plan. I am so tired of getting through things by the skin of my teeth.’
‘That gives me a really clear picture. You had a plan, and now you have nothing. That’s a huge loss.’
We talked about some of the common ground we have in terms of our feelings around the pandemic, both of us feeling lost to varying degrees.
‘Most of my coping mechanisms are gone.’

‘Can you tell me more about that?’

‘I didn’t realise how important getting out is to getting out of my head. Other than the bathroom scene, I don’t really have a mind’s eye, so I can’t conjure up those places where I feel safe.’
R said we had a couple of minutes left, and she wanted to offer me some positive affirmations.
‘As a gift from me to you. You can say them, or write them down…or I can put them in an email.’

‘OK, reaching for paper.’
‘I am resilient.’ I wrote that one down.
‘I am a survivor.’
‘I am a survivor. ‘
‘I am brave.’ I also wrote that one down.
We talked about coping mechanisms that are available to me at the moment, and I mentioned that writing in my journal is hard, because it makes the feelings real. But writing it down is easier, because I don’t have to look after anybody else.
‘And paper doesn’t have feelings!’

‘I saw you smirk then.’

‘A glimpse of old Lost.’

R said she wasn’t sure it would be the same, but did I want to do some breathing exercises. I accepted, and she asked how my shoulders were.

‘In a word, concrete.’

We did exercises designed to bring them down from around my ears, and introduce the compassion and support I feel I am missing.
‘Do you want to schedule for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘If you need me sooner, or want to bring the session forward, please reach out. I’m here.’

A summary of the convo we've had many times before and had yet again on Monday:

me: but if I don't tell myself that I'm exaggerating and being melodramatic that would mean believing that those things I experienced were actually really bad. Like really bad.
my T: yes
me: 😐

Then Thursday I tried to explain more of what I mean when I say I really don't know how to gauge or conceptualize how bad it was, and why the answer to that matters to me. I asked him questions I already knew the answers to but needed to hear again, did he think it was really bad enough to be "trauma" and does he think it was really bad enough for me to have "PTSD."

I just had an awkward uncomfortable session. She started off saying how much she likes my emails and how she wants me to keep on emailing her as if I was journaling. Then we got into how high my sex drive has been. She said to me. “This is a really awkward question but do you feel comfortable masturbating?” I’m like “um, yeah?” She said “oh ok.” Then I finally had the guts to say I ordered some stuff to the house and it was coming today. She said it was perfectly normal and if I’m into that stuff cool. Just to keep up with hygiene. I said I didn’t want my mom to find out. She said that stuff usually comes in a discreet package. She says she has plenty of clients who are into porn.

Ok. I didn’t even tell her what I ordered or what I’m “in to” but I had a feeling she knew?? Oh man I couldn’t look at her for much of the session. She kept smiling for some reason.

At the end of the session she said, to keep emailing her.

I had a pretty good phone session with Regular T on Saturday. We discussed COVID 19 quite a bit. But we also talked about how I was doing. The big thing was that she felt like I had turned a corner in my recovery. She said it was almost like someone decided it was enough and to carry me past the pain and put me on solid ground so I could start again. That was big. HUGS Kit

Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. I discovered that using Zoom on the computer seems to eradicate the delay on my end.
R started the call and asked me how I am doing.
‘I almost started this conversation with ‘Greetings from Fragile Lost with the concrete shoulders. I have cried six times in the past four days.’
‘OK.’
‘When I said in the email that I had been working with ‘I am brave’ until it felt true…I found myself crying every single time.’
‘Was that saying it out loud, or thinking it?’
‘Saying it out loud.’
‘So that was a trigger. Anything I offer is for you to take or leave.’
‘It is doing some big work. I think I scared myself.’
‘You think you scared yourself? You’re just not ready?’

I explained that I felt a huge amount of resistance, but stopped there. ‘I was prepared that Wednesday would be hard. There are two walks I have available to me at the moment – one practical, and one pretty. I felt like I needed pretty to get me through.’

R smiled.

I have been very boundaried about the news. I have told friends, family and carers that all I want to know is when this is over. Meanwhile, one of my favourite folk musicians has been very ill with the virus. I watched a replay of a gig by another musician – this is relevant – who explained that the longer this goes on, the less good it looks, so that was triggering. Then I woke up on Wednesday, already a difficult day, to news that John Prine had died. I went for a walk with my support worker – the pretty walk is a tree lined clearing. She’s in the picture, so she dragged it out of me.’
‘That sounds like it was what you needed?’
‘As near as possible. We were walking back, and I just broke down. The situation being what it is, all she could do was stroke my arm like a frigging cat.’
I paused and then said ‘I feel so unsafe. We have worked so hard to get me to take some armour off, and now I need to put it back on to get through the day.’
‘In this moment, Lost, you are safe.’ I gave way then, and began to cry.

‘Let it out, Lost, if you need to.’

‘Pointless.’

We talked about the fact that the pandemic has probably accelerated this part of my journey, so that I am now in a really uncomfortable place without a lot of the things that help.
‘I am finding it really hard to do the things that help.’

‘What are they?’

‘Journalling, yoga, they’re all direct access to emotions.’
‘Whatever you need to do at the moment that helps you get through the day is OK.’
‘There’s a lot I want to say at the moment that I can’t say without crossing that line.’
I changed tack and showed her the blanket that I had draped over my knees.
‘I’m not sure whether that’s because you are cold, or whether you are using it to help. Whatever works.’
‘How selfish do you have to be…I feel so selfish.’
‘I am not going to challenge your feeling, but why do you feel selfish?’

I explained that I feel like the pandemic has magnified everything.
‘Usually my to-do list at this time is ‘Survive April.’

‘It is ****ing unbelievable that this is happening now. I’ll say it for you. This time of year is hard enough. If there wasn’t a pandemic, and this was an ordinary session, would you still feel the same?’
Out of nowhere, I found myself laughing. R asked why.
‘I can’t stop thinking about The Grinch. I would not usually say that I am a people person, but this time of year, I need people.’
‘The element of choice has been taken away. If you sat here and said ‘This thing happens every year, but the pandemic is the only thing I am worried about, I would be…’ She furrowed her brow. ‘The two things can co-exist.’
‘People talk about filling your cup at this time. I don’t know where to get another, because mine is already full.’
‘OK Concrete Shoulders – that is your new nickname – do you want to do some breathing exercises?’
R then led me through some deep breathing designed to loosen my shoulders, combined with a light massage. Our second breathing exercise focused on creating space.
‘I am not going to say ‘Have a good Easter,’ because I don’t want to trigger you, but I will say ‘Be kind to yourself.’ If you need to email, please do. I hope you get through the days OK.’

I just had my session. I couldn’t talk to her about what I wanted to. I was way too uncomfortable. I kept skirting around it. She knew it was something about sex. I’m pretty sure she knows what I’m talking about though. I finally told her I’d tell her in email. I didn’t have a very successful session because of how uncomfortable I was. I have yet to email her but I will. Maybe I’ll write out the email in my note section on my phone first.

I asked him for an earlier session yesterday. He didn't have any, and said If I didn't want his earliest wenesday one a session on thursday it might not be possible as he was busier.

He read the thing I had put in my whatapp bio. " being a human is literally the hardest thing to be."

I said it was from a song and played two mins for him.

I asked if he saw my display picture and said my sister had drawn it. Then sent him a few images of her work.

I told him I was angry at him for giving my old tuesday session to another client. I was going to quit and that he should look after the ones he has before finding new ones and that if I was a T i'd have an extra slot just for emergencies.

He said it wasn't for another client, but that I didn't believe him. That I needed him yesterday and would have seen him anyway if he hadn't changed my slot.

I said first world problems. He said it was important to me.

He said that was a good idea.

I told him I didn't care if I lived or died from CV and told him that I was ill.

I said I didn't feel safe.

He asked why?

I said I didn't trust him.

If you don't love me or trust me why don't we end now?

Do you like being adored? Why do I have trust you?

It was about pointing out faults in him. I said no- how could i look after other people if I was so messed up?

Then he said I would make a good T and that made more sense. That I was projecting onto him.

I said it wouldn't be fair on my clients if their shrink was going to kill themselves.

He didn't think that happened. Sent him a link.

Sorry can you repeat that? I zoned out.

"I know it's your time, but if you want to waste it by sending me pictures and zoning out"

I burst into tears.

I know i've been complacent with boundaries and maybe I encouraged that ( my sister's stuff + the link ) but you keep wanting to step over them.

I can't even see you for a start.

I turned my camera on.

I can put on a good show. Are you happy now?

Do you think I like seeing you like this?

That I was supposed to be in a zoom class at 11am that's why I originally said I couldn't do the 10.30 slot.

Why didn't I tell him before? How long were my classes going for? We could arrange another time.

I said because I needed to see him.

I just carried on crying.

You also think I'm a waste of space.

"Don't be silly."

I said that I had tried.

He said time was up.

He said bye I didn't reply and he logged off.

I don't feel like I was in a good place just to be left like that. I wanted him to pick up on the suicidal thoughts. I feel shamed.

Today’s session was a powerful conversation on the value of ‘unpractising’. I began by apologising for the email, as per usual.
‘I accept your apology, but I don’t know why you are apologising.’
‘It was the sober equivalent of a drunk email. It felt very disjointed.’

‘Was it reflective of how you felt in that moment?’

‘Yes.’

I explained that I wanted to read something I had written and posted in an online grief support group. ‘I have done a couple of online grief writing courses.’

‘Since lockdown?’

‘No, before that. I am in a group where people who’ve done previous courses all connect. So I wrote this and posted it there first, but I wanted to share it with you.’
‘Not everybody goes through what I go through at this time of year, every year. I hear some self-compassion there.’
I explained that I am tired of spending 70% of my time on the verge of tears. ‘I am still irritated that this is forcing me to find new coping strategies at this time.’
R understands that this is usually an intense time for me anyway, but with the pandemic it is worse.
‘Some of my coping strategies at the moment involve weekly check in and write in sessions with the women writers group I am a member of. It’s over Zoom. It’s one of the only things that feel normal at the moment.’
I explained that the facilitator had said she was doing a series of online classes with one of my favourite poets. ‘I looked at it, but didn’t think I could justify it right now.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Financially.’ I explained that Dal had pointed out the bursary, and I had gone for it.
‘I was expecting writing exercises. I wasn’t expecting to have a notebook and hang on every word.’
‘Sounds like it surpassed your expectations?’
‘David Whyte is the poet whose work does to me what mine does to other people.’
‘It has meaning, depth and emotion?’

‘Yes.’
‘That’s obviously based on feedback you have received.’

I explained that David Whyte talks for an hour, and then there is a Q+A.
‘I haven’t asked anything yet, I am working up to it, because there are two more opportunities. Somebody asked a question about bringing courage to trauma, which is the most David Whyte thing I want to hear David Whyte talk about, but his response began with ‘When you are sitting with someone who is dying…’ and I had to scarper.’
I noticed that R closed her eyes and a pained expression passed over her face.

‘From your reaction, you know how that hit me.’

‘Yes.’
‘Fortunately I went straight from David Whyte’s session into Dal’s. We talked about it a bit because she knows.’ I explained that I feel there’s a difference between people who know and people who understand.
‘I hear a desperate strength in that. You are reaching out even though it is uncomfortable.’
‘I’ve never heard the words ‘desperate’ and ‘strength’ together in the same sentence.’
For some reason I got it into my head that we were coming to a close.
‘I’ve done that thing again where I have something to ask.’

‘Go for it.’

‘Other than the way in which we are working now, has anything changed between us?’

‘Are you asking in terms of the relationship between you and I?’

‘Yes.’

‘Reading between the lines, what I hear you asking is ‘Is what I am bringing OK?’ And yes, absolutely. Nothing at all has changed.’

‘Next week I want to talk about masks. I am very fortunate to still have support workers coming in. That was part of the difficulty to which I alluded in yesterday’s email. My visit got cancelled with half an hour’s notice. Even though it’s almost a glorified doctor’s appointment, that walk means a lot to me. They ask the question and mean it.’
‘Do they now have to wear masks?’

‘Yes, and I understand the hygiene aspect, but that really hinders my capacity for connection.’

R mentioned that she finds it odd going to the supermarket.

‘Everything you have been working on. Who the **** am I holding it together for? Holding it together has become a habit, and perhaps you need to unpractice that. I’m making up words again.’
‘I like it when you make up words.’

‘It’s a skill not everybody has.’ We both laughed, and that felt so good.
‘Plus, it is medicalised,’ she continued.

‘I hadn’t put that together until now.’ I explained that my brain is like a fireworks display at the moment.
‘My brain isn’t too good either.’
‘There are lots of things I want to say, but can’t. I feel weird for not having the capacity to care about the pandemic. How dare I have this emotional response while something huge is going on?’

‘I hear the harshness in that. We talked a bit about this last week, but I would be more surprised if you didn’t have your normal response to this time of year.’

‘With the anniversary cycle over, usually I would get a reprieve, but this year, that isn’t the case. If the filter has a setting for intensity of experience, it has been turned way up.’
I remarked. ‘I don’t want to be armoured like a medieval knight. I would settle for being armoured like a tortoise is.’

R and I had an interesting conversation about our relationship. She assured me that if there was anything she felt uneasy about she would say.
‘Thank you. I’ve been in situations before where things needed to be said, and weren’t.’

‘Within the form of counselling I am trained in, we are equals. I am a trained therapist, but we are two human beings in a relationship. They call it relational depth, and you and I work at quite a deep level.’

I asked whether we could do some breathing, after telling her about yesterday’s experience of an online Loving Kindness meditation.

‘Somebody from the grief support group mentioned that his local Buddhist centre have moved all of their events online for the time being. That’s how I got through last Wednesday’s anniversary, with a breathing meditation. I didn’t realise that this week’s was a Loving Kindness meditation.’

R asked more about the process, and I explained briefly.
‘We started with a body scan, and that has never made me cry before. The facilitator said ‘Now we’re noticing physical sensations’. I had video and audio off, so I was there but not there. I am noticing that I am crying.’

I refrained from talking about the difficulty of extending loving kindness to oneself.

We shifted into talking briefly about my remark that I have no capacity to deal with the pandemic. R explained that she had a similar conversation with her supervisor. In order to protect herself, she has not looked at the news for two days.
I asked whether we could do some breathing, and R used my firework imagery to create a visualisation of a firework display that decreases in volume, but remains beautiful and safe.
‘How are your shoulders? Concrete? When I’m working with you, I always become aware of my own.’
We finished the exercise with a couple of deep breaths before R asked whether I felt safe to leave it there.

A bit from Wednesday (just had half-session/check-in):
About 5 minutes from the end, I started crying. I said, "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but lately I've been crying when it's close to the end of session. It's just hard to say goodbye and go back to the real world. I really appreciate all the support you've given me lately." Dr. T: "Awww." Me: "It's just sort of like you're here on my computer screen, then, poof, you're gone. The ending is more abrupt." Dr. T: "No walking into the sunset." Me: "Yeah, and I don't have the transition of a drive home, it just ends, and that's it. I'm immediately back to my life."


I said something else about video sessions being different. Dr. T: "And this medium doesn't come naturally to me." Me: "You seem to be doing OK with them." Dr. T: "Fake it till you make it, I guess." Me: "Yeah." Dr. T: "This has all been very hard for me, too, because some of my clients are really struggling right now, and this is all that I can give them." (referring to video sessions). I forget what I said to that, but it touched me (I'm sure I'm one of the clients he's referencing), knowing that it's hard for him as well, feeling so limited. Me (still crying): "I know we have to stop. Maybe we need to talk about some of this more next session." We confirmed time of session (this afternoon). Dr. T: "Good luck with everything. Take care." Me: "You too."

I had a telephone session with Regular T on Saturday. It was stressful. She confronted one of my delusions which I then said wasn't a delusion. Basically she thinks it is a delusion and I don't think it is a delusion. She said to talk to my PDOC about it. She asked if PDOC knew about it and I was like, IDK, and she was like be sure to tell him.


We talked about my Mom. She labels my childhood as abusive. I don't know that I do. I think my parents loved me when I was a kid, my Dad was just absent and my Mom was just suffering from Bipolar and lashing out at us kids because it was untreated and stuff. I spent a lot of time alone. I didn't learn how to handle my emotions. Sometimes my Mom was physically abusive in her behavior to us. But I don't know. I still don't label it as abuse. It was more like we were taking care of my Mom or staying out of her way. I remember being afraid of my Mom. She was so super hard on us growing up. We had to be perfect all the time and of course that is impossible. But I think my parents did the best they could and I don't think they intended malice.


She says we cater to my Mom even today. That we enable her. Probably. But partially my Mom has a lot of health problems. She needs our help. She just wouldn't be able to function normally without my Dad and me. But that puts a lot on me, on my plate and I don't disagree with that. She said that my family makes me out to be the crazy one when actually I'm quite sane and everyone else is ignoring their own MI issues. IDK, made me sad.


We talked about some stuff that I can't talk about here on this forum. It was pretty intense.


I had a pretty bad therapy hangover (I wasn't drunk--just exhausted from therapy afterwards). I slept for three hours afterwards. I felt nauseated. I felt foggy. I felt not like myself. It took me a while to come out of it. I went to bed early that night.

I have therapy tonight with Pastor T. I'm not looking forward to it. IDK why. I'm just not.


HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

She took the whole OD thing on Saturday pretty seriously. She said she was contemplating calling my mom after she got my email. She said next time she would hospitalize me though. I guess it went ok today though. She says my “coping skill” is ok since I’m not hurting anyone and it’s more of a sensory thing anyways. It was just the usual Covid talk, weight talk, food talk, etc. basically a normal session. I talked a lot more this time and went over a couple minutes which is very unusual.

Pdocs appointment went decently. I told him about the OD since he had to ask about SI. I treaded very very carefully to avoid an involuntary hospitalization. He scared me a bit about COVID.

Did a video session this time. I couldn't think of anything to say, just sat there feeling angry. It's weird, we've had phone sessions before that all right. I don't know why I hate the video so much but I do. I'm never doing that again.

T had a session with his supervisor so was obviously different yesterday which I commented on. He said the same thing for me.

-I told him that I felt shamed by him.
-He said he was sorry- that he was frustrated and felt disrespected when I couldn't hold on to what he was saying.
-First time he's called my zoning out dissociation.
-Brought up suicidal feelings which is what I was hinting at but never said directly last session.
-Stuff about pushing him away now.

I talked about Lady Diana Spencer after reading her autobiography and saying I also thought she was a borderline.



He really did try.

Intense but important session today. R pointed out that safe places didn't really exist for me in a sense, so I have had to create them.
Funny moment came when I was on the verge of opening up some about something, just after she'd let the cat out.
'...Does the cat need to come back in?'
'Don't use the cat, Lost! Sorry, that was a bit mother-like...'
'In future, 'using the cat' will become a by word...'

We had the conversation I've been holding off on about the marked difference in our way of working now.
It was excruciating, but I am glad that it's out in the open, and that it's not a figment of my imagination.

'I am a qualified therapist, but we are still two human beings in a relationship.'

Today didn’t go well. I told her some of my unhealthy thoughts. I told her I’ve been feeling down and depressed. I told her that sometimes I want to go to the hospital just to get restrained but then I get under my weighted blanket and things are ok. She said “yeah that’s for sure a sensory issue then.” she said that I need to have my sensory things with me like my blanket and other things when that happen. We talked about my new medication and the virus and stuff. I talked about a bad experience at the hospital

Idk. She seemed really distracted today. She kept hurrying me along and I had 15 minutes left and she ended a few minutes early she said she didn’t really have time for my emails this week. Like I could send them to her but that she wouldn’t really deal with them. She actually said the words “I don’t have time because of my other clients and my kids.” it really made me feel bad.

Today’s session was intense and heavy. R started the meeting and I began by thanking her for the email.

‘The intensity hasn’t changed at all. I say this as if I deserve a flaming medal, but Tuesday was the only day so far I haven’t cried.’

‘With the way you are measuring it, it’s almost like ‘I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be somebody who cries every day.’

‘Exactly. This reminds me of early grief – not that I remember the emotions, but I remember the facts.’

‘You know the timeline.’ I went on to explain about the conversation I had with my support worker. ‘I felt as though the silence was a little weird, so I said ‘I don’t trust myself to speak at the moment.’

‘What was the process behind that? You didn’t want to cry?’

‘Exactly. Then it happened three times in the middle of our conversation.’

‘How do you feel after you have cried?’

‘Emotionally, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Physically, my chest and shoulders ache.’

I mentioned that the choice between that and feeling numb was no choice at all.

‘It sounds as though you are in survival mode.’

‘The Critic would like to ban talking about before.’

‘The Critic can bugger off.’

‘Before all this happened, I felt as though I was reclaiming…getting my power back.’

‘And now there’s a hole in your fence, emotions are escaping, and you are trying to put the panel back, but you can’t find it. This survival mode feels a lot darker.’

‘It’s like survival mode without any of the things I need to make survival mode work.’ As I finished that sentence, I began to cry. R reassured me that I was safe, and she was there…at one point I thought she said something else.

‘No, I didn’t. I’m just sitting with you.’

‘Tidal waves are supposed to be a once in a while thing, not an every couple of days occurrence.’

‘When you say that, it helps me understand the intensity.’

‘There’s a word that is coming up for me that scares me to death. We’ve had a conversation about labels and both said we don’t like them. This word was used by another person to describe my experience…Depression.’
‘Do you feel depressed?’

‘My previous version of survival mode was one where I could be productive. I am struggling with motivation at the moment, and I know I am slipping because I can’t even listen to music.’ R and I had a chat about the structure of my days, which is almost non-existent.

She then said that she wanted to offer something. ‘I’m just going to bring in the word acceptance, and put it there. You don’t have to do anything with it, but don’t try to fight it.’

We ended up talking more about my conversation with my support worker. I mentioned that it was not the first time I had cried in front of her, and R picked up on my embarrassment. She made a comment to the effect of my not having had a conversation with myself about what would happen if I cried in front of my support worker.

‘Because of the kind of support I need, a certain level of vulnerability is to be expected, but that came as a surprise.’
R offered four things for me to consider as we brought the session to a close. She asked me to consider how acceptance might play a part in making me feel safer. She urged me to ‘Remember who you are, and the work you have done. That does not disappear. Reassure yourself that this is not forever. You are surviving.’
R said she had done a breathing exercise a few days ago that she wanted to share with me. We began by breathing in courage and exhaling fear, but eventually modified it to breathing in safety, and breathing out fear.
She asked me whether I felt OK to leave it there, and I said yes, I would email if anything came up.

‘And you’re welcome to do that.’ We set up for the same time next week.

On reflection, I refrained from talking about work, because I didn’t want to spend the whole session crying.

Another important session today, talking about the future of our relationship.
When I said that I was crying only once a week at this point, R said that was an improvement.

We had quite a conversation about competence and vulnerability.