In Session Today: Part VI

A snippet (paraphrased for brevity, etc.):

Me: All of a sudden I realized how far I've come and how much I've changed, and thought, "WHOA. Three years ago, I was a MESS."
T: (starts to say something)
Me: Wait...'cause in that moment, I heard your voice trying to reframe that for me. You'd say something nice like...I dunno, but you'd reframe it to a you only know what you know thing. But the way I thought it felt most true: I was a mess. You don't need to say it, but I don't need you to reframe that for me. I don't want you to.
T: (laughs) Well, things in your life were certainly messy. (Which was as close as she got to agreeing.)

Later...
T: I might not have a job here much longer.
Me: ...? Oh. Yeah, No, you have to get me through school at least. You're stuck with me.

I intended to terminate therapy and had informed the therapist as much. I did not want a final session, but one occurred. I became confused and did not terminate.

He said he was happy to see me and that it had been two weeks since he last saw me, which I hadn't realized.

Talked about the books I sent and he explored that. My message had said Happy Christmas- why early? Leaving my stuff at his to remind him of me when I wasn't there?

Talked about fantasies and he normalized a lot of it + said he was surprised I didn't talk about sex. Back to shame.

Just said in mine he would pick me.

Said that I wanted to be loved unconditionally .

Didn't talk about X's death + just said that I would see him when I saw him.

Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. R started the call and remarked on my glasses.

‘I don’t think I have ever seen you in glasses before.’
‘Reading and close work – I have something I am intending to read. Thank you for your email by the way. Let’s start there.’ I took my glasses off and R wondered whether that was for her benefit.

‘After last session I was afforded some insight into my process around crying. The message ‘I shouldn’t cry’ remains dominant. I received an email with birthday wishes from a dear friend, and promptly broke down.’

‘I presume it was a nice email – so what was the difference between that and other times you have cried?’

‘This feels like a loss.’
‘It feels like a loss, or it is a loss?’

Out of nowhere, I began to cry. R urged me not to fight it, and to let go of any concern for her.

‘Just let it out if you need to. Let it all out.’ She reassured me that if she were in the same space, she would hold my hand or hug me.

‘I can still hold this space for you.’ I continued to cry, and try to gather myself.
‘It seems like a huge build up. This is the fragility you mentioned in the email...I can feel it’

I wanted to say ‘You said it,’ but continued to cry.

When I looked up, I noticed that the view I had of R had changed slightly. ‘I’m trying to move you closer to me.’

When I finally gathered myself, R asked me how I felt in that moment.

‘What the hell have I been doing?’

‘What the hell have I been doing? Is that anger?’

‘I have worked really hard to build a sense of safety, and it relies on things that are outside my control.’

‘External things.’

‘Yes.’

R said that she didn’t know anybody who doesn’t rely on external things as part of their sense of safety in difficult times.

‘And now under lockdown, you don’t have access to those things.’

‘We got away from the email. When I try to analyse things, please stop me.’

‘OK.’

‘When I composed myself the other day, I realised that there’s something around ‘I have to be OK, I don’t want people to worry about me.’

‘When you said ‘I have to be OK’, I felt my shoulders tense – that is a lot of pressure. And then ‘I don’t want people to worry about me.’ Is there something underneath that – ‘I am not worth worrying about?’

‘You said it. That links back to previous experiences where I was inundated with medical information, but didn’t ask them to stop. They had bigger things to worry about.’

‘There are bigger things to worry about than you?’
‘I didn’t choose the situation I was put in?’

‘No.’
R said something here about there being a difference in me from session to session – ‘Sometimes it’s ‘those bastards’, and other times, it’s more self-blame.’

‘If I could be in Professional Lost mode all the time and not have to deal with emotions, that would be ideal.’

‘As your therapist, who didn’t see you cry for years, I don’t want this to sound opinionated, but I am proud of you for allowing that to happen. I think you’ve been really brave. I remember the time you said ‘You don’t even know why I am crying.’ I don’t need to know.’

‘…Thank you.’

‘I felt like I might have overstepped then. Was it received in the way it was meant? I am not saying it to save you or make you feel better.’

‘Thank you – it was received in the way it was meant.’

‘There is a lot that I want to say, but I don’t know how.’

‘Try it?’

‘It has reached a point where it’s easier for me not to try to talk.’

‘Is that due to emotion or communication?’

‘Emotion, although I know it is better not to let it snowball.’

R said she could visualise that, and compared it to strength training.

‘This was not within your control. You don’t start with heavy weights.’

We finished with a breathing exercise, inhaling for 4, and exhaling for 5, then inhaling compassion and exhaling fear.

So I’ve been doing therapy again but on Thursday afternoons instead of Monday mornings. The first session was great. But since then I’ve been kinda running into the same issue I was running into before. These video sessions just suck. But going without therapy isn’t helping either.

My session was pretty stressful towards the end, and I had a staring spell afterwards and then fell asleep for 20 minutes.

Today’s session ended up being pretty gruelling. R started the call and asked how I am doing.

‘I don’t know how to answer that question. Thank you for your email.’

‘You’re welcome, Lost.’

I lapsed into silence before I simply said one word. ‘Weird.’

‘You feel weird?’ R then said that it sounded like I had been ‘holding on for a very long time.’ I promptly dissolved.

‘It’s OK, Lost. Let it out. I’m here. You’re safe.’

I cried for what felt like a long time, interspersed with remarks like ‘What the hell is going on?’

I composed myself, and R apologised – she felt like she might have triggered it with her phrasing.

‘I had a plan!’ I said ‘Five minutes in, and that’s out the window.’

‘You’ve been holding on to a lot of emotions for a very long time, and now they’re coming out. I’m sure there’s part of you that is going ‘What does R think?’

‘Can you help me with that part?’

‘Of course. I don’t want to say that I am glad you are crying, but we’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for over three years now, and it wasn’t until last November, I think, that you cried. I know you see it as weakness, but I think you are really brave.’

‘There’s no logic to it.’

‘Does there have to be logic to it? What is your logical question?’

‘I do have an answer to that…’

‘It’s a big question. I can leave it with you.’

‘I have an answer to it, but I am concerned that if I try to say it, I will cry.’

I said I wasn’t sure whether it was worse to be witnessed in a state, or alone in a state.

‘Usually, I try to make sure I am on my own so as not to inconvenience anybody else.’

‘Not to inconvenience anybody else? So if you were out for coffee with a friend and getting vulnerable and emotional…?’

‘That wouldn’t happen.’
‘I love that you interrupted then. We’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for a long time…three and a half years – was it December? Even though you are paying me, I still sometimes get the sense that you feel like you are inconveniencing me.’

She went on to say that she loves her lob, and it is what she has chosen to do.

‘I am going to spit this question out…’

I didn’t get further than ‘Why now?’ before I began to cry.

‘When you say ‘Why now?’ I also hear ‘Why me?’

I couldn’t do anything but nod.

‘It’s OK, Lost. I’m here, but you can forget that I’m here if you need to.’

‘So is the Critic.’

‘Kick the Critic to outer space. Far away from you…Tell the Critic to piss off. I’ll say it for you.’

‘Why now? I’ll scrap the second part of the question, and restate it as a fact. ‘Right now I feel the least resourced I have ever been, and that terrifies me.’

R cut in then, and remarked that ‘Professional Lost gets all the love. Emotional Lost just gets guilt, embarrassment and shame…but when you are dealing with these big feelings…that is when you are doing the work. Before the pandemic, you had a really emotional session due to the writing retreat. We can’t know whether you were heading down this road anyway.’

We talked about how I have this emotional side that I want to control, but R doesn’t want to use that word. She believes that it is more beneficial to understand oneself.

‘Do you feel safe to leave it there?’

‘It’s probably safer.’

‘It’s been a heavy session for you. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body. If you need to lie down, then lie down. Use self-care. You’ve done enough work for today.’

We did a closing breathing exercise based on inhaling hope and strength, and exhaling fear, shame and embarrassment.

R asked me about my plans for the rest of the day, remembering that I would usually clear the rest of the day on Thursdays. I explained that we had already been for a walk, and mentioned the Poetry Therapy workshop I am doing tomorrow. She said that she’d been doing some online training too, and found it useful in the context that it would usually be in person, but you might not be able to access it that way.

‘I hope it’s wonderful for you. Are you OK for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, thank you.’

Evening session yesterday after I skipped my normal tuesday one.

He said I kept surprising him.

I cried a lot more than normal.

How come I didn't come yesterday?

He asked what did I need from him this session?

I said "a pat on the head and a everything will be okay."

Exam failure linked with my image. Where did I go when I cried?

3 mins winding down before he let me leave.

He said everything would be okay.

It went ok today. I didn’t tell her just how pissed I was at her because of last time. Or that my SI was related to her and the session. She was very worried though when I told her about the incident and acted like she was gonna put me IP a week later. Can she really do that a week later? I get the incident was more severe then other times though. I told her about the super weird thing I’ve been doing. It took me 20 minutes to tell her but I finally told her. She didn’t seem to care that I’ve been doing it but she said it was progress that I told her about it. I mentioned my behavior on PC and how it’s so unusual from how I act in real life and I said “it’s like that saying “business in the front, party in the back.” I told her that a lot of my past issues are coming out of the woodwork after going on the hormones. I didn’t tell her I got rid of her email because I was super pissed at her. I just said I lost it and it was a long story. She didn’t say anything. Although I might tell her I was super mad at her. Since I think she’s wondering. We did figure out a way to wrap the sessions up. She’s going to give me a heads up when we have 20-15-10 minutes left and We are just going to talk about TV shows and stuff for the last 5 minutes.

Interesting tidbits from my last two sessions...

I told him the dark story behind what inspired the book Moby ... with the killer whale. We had an interesting conversation about how we never really know what we'd do in a survival situation unless we're in one. He was surely not expecting to learn about that!

Then at the end of our virtual session I showed him my real painted alligator head I got when I was a kid. His response: "I'm not sure what to say to that." I think he thought it was cool? It was just fun showing him something so random that he had no idea what to say.

My next appointment for my Pdoc is in July. I got a choice between tele and in office. I chose in office. I wonder if my T is going to do the same thing.

I think I should ask her what she prefers and what she feels safest with too. I’d like to do in office.

I was honest with my T when she asked if I had any SI this past week. I told her about Friday. I said I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t email her. She said I should have emailed her but at the same time she would have just told me to go to the hospital. She asked what I did instead and I told her I took a Xanax and it helped. She said “ok.....”

Today’s session ended up being a lesson in surrender. R started the call and remarked that this was the first week she hadn’t had an email from me since we began working remotely.
‘It’s interesting that you mentioned it first…that was something I had planned to talk about. That was solely because I could not find the words.’

‘Not because the need wasn’t there, but almost the opposite.’ I then began to cry. R reassured me and urged me to let it out, as I tried to keep myself from losing composure completely.

I began to speak in between waves of crying – ‘Oh for ****’s sake. This is not the point…I had a plan….This is what I was afraid of.’

‘This is what you were afraid of?’

‘Breaking down in session again…I had a plan.’

R remarked that I had a plan for the previous two sessions as well…’but it is OK to turn up to session and not know how it is going to go. It’s OK to say ‘This is my time with R, and I can use it for this…’ or just see where it goes.’

I explained that I had made notes, but I had also written in my journal yesterday, and that was what I wanted to read. I only got through the first paragraph before I felt myself begin to well up.

‘There’s a line here that I don’t feel able to read out loud. It may make its way into an email at some point.’ As I struggled, R noted that she was keenly aware of the lack of opportunity for me to hand her the piece of paper. If I wanted to read something and anticipated that it would be difficult, she confirmed that I could send it beforehand.

R confirmed that it was OK for me to email, and then apologised because she needed to let the cat decide what she wanted to do – in or out. During the pause, I was able to find Gallery View and hide my self view.
I explained this to R afterwards, and she thanked me for bringing up something she had not thought about. ‘Is that something you have done before?’

‘I have only just worked out how to do it.’

I explained the process, and then recognised that I was trying to avoid feelings, so returned to what I had been reading.
‘I can be vulnerable, but there is a cost, and I have to live with myself afterwards. This next part feels even more true –“I don’t know what it was that allowed me to release all that emotion, but in the days that followed, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and incredibly lonely.’ I gave way again at that point.
‘Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is surrender to it. I know it feels like weakness, I know it causes you physical pain, but this does not define you.’
‘I have never felt defeated before.’
‘Defeated? Does that imply that you have been fighting something, or that you don’t feel able to fight it?’
‘It’s daft for me to try and gather myself between waves.’
‘Your emotions are flowing and you are trying to stop them. If you need to cry for half an hour, go with it.’
‘I have never had three vulnerable sessions in a row.’ R shook her head.

‘Can you ask a question or something?’

R then shared that ‘Although this is the longest we haven’t seen one another physically since the start of our therapeutic relationship, I have never felt more connected to you, or experienced you in such a real way.’

I responded that ‘I don’t even know what to do with that…It’s on my other piece of paper , but the gist of it is…even though we now live in a world where people wear masks for their safety, the spaces where I can take mine off metaphorically are becoming fewer and further between.’ I began to cry again as R tried to move me closer.
‘It’s like you are crying a lifetime of unspent (?) tears. Everybody’s world has become very small at the moment.’

She offered that we could do some breathing exercises as we came to the end of the session. We focused on inhaling Confidence (which was green for me) and exhaling Fear (brown).

Rather than breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, R invited me to try both through the nose.

‘If you can get used to it, it can be very relaxing.’ We also worked on my shoulders.

‘Sometimes,’ R said ‘My yoga teacher says we have to teach our shoulders where they should sit.’

R had mentioned earlier in the session that she had thought about checking in with me when she didn’t hear from me, so I asked her whether she could do that before we next speak.

‘Of course – well done for asking.’

He sent me two messages one yesterday and one this morning asking if I wanted to come in and that he had an earlier slot if I wanted it.

I didn't reply until maybe an hour before.

I cried a lot.

He asked why I was angry at him. Told him that he had seen my message but didn't reply. He said he'd be in touch but wasn't.

Every session was me telling him what he was doing wrong.

Said something like I had a pattern. Asking for extra sessions not wanting it. (was doing double in jan and feb) then just one.

It would be better to discuss in session. I said why didn't he just say that instead of ignoring me. That I didn't like uncertainty.

I told him actions spoke louder than words and I couldn't feel his care.

That he was saying sorry but he didn't mean it. That I wasn't sorry that I replied late to his message.

Why the ambivalence? Skipping session.

He called me dramatic when I said:



I told him that I had really been struggling. Used the Warcraft quote where Lorian say's "i'm in so much pain"

After that bit he was softer- I felt like he was more defensive at the start.

Said that he cared about me. That he was sorry if he had been distracted (protesting in London which I already knew he'd be doing) and wasn't saying that my life didn't matter less than anyone else's . That I was important to him.

That if I did want a second session 9.30am on thursday was open.

I am the worst. The things I fear about myself and secretly hope aren't true, are true. Today my therapist said 'it can be frustrating when things are slow, when there's no progress.'

So he thinks I have made no progress. I think he's frustrated at my 'slow progress'. I'm more frustrated that it feels like I'm constantly expected to make progress, be someone, do something...why is what I am already not enough? Why are all the things I have been through and overcome not enough? Why am I not already a unique flower? Maybe I'm a flower he doesn't recognise. I don't see him for 2 weeks now so there's **** all I can do about it.

“I am the worst. The things I fear about myself and secretly hope aren't true, are true. Today my therapist said 'it can be frustrating when things are slow, when there's no progress.'

So he thinks I have made no progress. I think he's frustrated at my 'slow progress'. I'm more frustrated that it feels like I'm constantly expected to make progress, be someone, do something...why is what I am already not enough? Why are all the things I have been through and overcome not enough? Why am I not already a unique flower? Maybe I'm a flower he doesn't recognise. I don't see him for 2 weeks now so there's **** all I can do about it.”

In my opinion, what you are experiencing is often overlooked as a type of healing. This is just the natural ebb and flow of being human and living life. Things have a way of coming together and then falling apart over and over again throughout life. The cycle of “come together...fall apart...come together...fall apart” keeps repeating itself. Therein lies the healing and the beauty...when we can make room (or create the space) for all of our emotions...when we can sit with all of our emotions and just be ourselves.

Therapists have a fantastic opportunity to join in with every one of us as we create that space for healing.

Thanks. I should've brought some stuff up in session today but I didn't because I knew we had a 2 week break and it would screw me up. I think it's just a chain reaction thing, like you said.

My session went decently. Better then the last couple. The second we started she said there was still no definite return date for in session. But they were talking about what measures they were going to take. They said they are going to take the people who absolutely can’t do video sessions first. She said that she doesn’t have anyone who can’t do video sessions, like for domestic abuse reasons and stuff like that, and she knows how incredibly stressful they are for me. So she said she’d schedule me first. Not sure if she really meant that or not. But the session today went alright. I was halfway lying down on the floor the whole time because of a Xanax and dehydration. She did a lot of the talking. She told me she doesn’t want me to email her much anymore because I mentioned that I was becoming clingy and needy especially when it came to the emails.

Today’s session was a record breaking fourth outing for Soluble Lost. R started the call and apologised that she forgot about the check in.

‘That’s no problem. It’s been a weird week.’ I explained that I felt like there was some context missing from last session, and R reaffirmed that she does not need context. I explained about having to talk about the online workshops in the board meeting, and feeling like I couldn’t say as much as I wanted because I felt I may cry.

‘In other words, you couldn’t be Professional Lost?’
‘Exactly.’

‘And..correct me if I am wrong – Professional Lost is where you get a lot of your self worth?’

‘That makes so much sense. I am bristling because it is true.’

‘I have been clinging…’ I tried again. ‘I have been clinging to the idea that…’

‘I can see you trying to hold it together. You don’t have to.’ I began to cry, and R urged me not to fight it…don’t try to explain ‘Just be in the moment.’

I tried to compose myself, and R zoned in on the thing I found difficult to say.

‘You said you had been clinging to the idea that…’

‘I had been clinging to the idea that I would be back to work, at work, in September. I knew from the board meeting that was unlikely to be the case, but we had a meeting after the workshop on Saturday when it was confirmed. It made me angry.’

R asked what made me angry, and I explained about the reasoning.

‘I feel so lost.’

‘I hear your ‘lost’, and I also want to add the word loss in there.’ I began to cry again, and when I composed myself, R urged me to ‘Breathe out that shame.’

‘How do you know that is what I am feeling?’

‘We have worked together for a while. I have to be careful about it, but with you I feel confident in naming that emotion and calling it out.’

We had a conversation about me relying on external things for my sense of self-worth and stability.

‘I felt as though I was building something…’

R said it sounded as though I am in survival mode. I said we would have to pick that up next week. ‘This is so similar to early grief…’

We did whole body focused breathing exercises, during which R had technical issues and disappeared, but did not notice because she had her eyes closed.

‘That isn’t the first time I’ve been doing breathing exercises and the person facilitating has disappeared.’
I burped and apologised.

‘I didn’t see what happened.’

We had a laugh about the time I burped in response to the question ‘How are you?’

‘We’ve had some hilarious moments in our sessions.’

We have a session next week, and then a break until the 2nd of July.

Sounds like a good session Lost. How are you feeling now? HUGS Kit

Thanks for asking, Kit. I'm feeling...exhausted.

Virtual sessions seem to take it out of me, and take longer to recover from.

Will give myself tomorrow 'off' as well.