In Session Today: Part VI

SlumberKitty · Jun 11, 2020 at 04:46 PM

HUGS Lost. I'm glad you are giving yourself a break tomorrow. Sessions either in person or virtually tire me out and sometimes waylay me for a day or two. HUGS Kit

Mountaindewed · Jun 16, 2020 at 01:55 PM

Today went good but I didn’t try very hard. She told me at the start of the session that my insurance wants to talk to her and it caused me to shut down for the whole session. Then she talked about the changes in laws regarding the treatment of transgender people. Which caused me to shut down even more. We talked about work though and my cat. But I just couldn’t really talk today. She wasn’t mad or anything like I thought she would be.

susannahsays · Jun 16, 2020 at 02:21 PM

All the things I had been planning on talking about in my session flew out of my head as soon as she asked what I wanted to talk about today. It was really frustrating. I kept hoping I would remember something but I never did.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 18, 2020 at 06:13 AM

Today’s session got away from me. R said that she had re-read the poem I sent her, and she had it on her phone.

‘I mentioned P’s idea of containment in the email – she used to think I could say to myself ‘I have an appointment with that on a particular day at a particular time’, and just not think about it.’ ‘Do you want to talk me through your writing?’ ‘What did you get from it?’ ‘What jumped out at me? The first line – ‘Crying brings me face to face with my brokenness’, and ‘I was not built to handle this.’ She went on to say that she felt my sense of overwhelm and fear. At that point, I dissolved. ‘Fear is a good word. If I say that this is work-related, there is an understanding that work is at the centre of a spider’s web that pulls on everything else?’ ‘Yes. Have you had another meeting?’ ‘Yesterday, where it was announced that we’ll be online in September, and ‘hopefully back in the building in the Spring.’ ‘That’s a long time. How was it conveyed to you?’ ‘Very…in a very matter of fact way.’ ‘I’m sorry, Lost. I know how much work means to you.’ ‘It shouldn’t be everything!’ I said, through a fresh flood of tears. ‘This isn’t a new thing – before the pandemic even existed, we spoke about your wanting to find other things. The state of the world now means that the one thing you rely on has been taken away. You’ve barely had time to process this, so it’s still shock. If you take away the one thing – anybody would struggle.’ ‘This shouldn’t mean so much. I don’t know anybody who is as emotionally attached to their job as I am.’ Before I said that, I talked about ‘Friends…people I know socially…that is what socially means.’ I continued. ‘There wasn’t even a discussion. I feel like they have just rolled over. The last time I just rolled over, I came close to not getting up again…and I can’t go back there.’ More tears. ‘Stability should not depend on tenuous things.’ ‘Shouldn’t? I can’t think of a single thing that stays the same forever. What I hear you saying is a dangerous slope towards ‘I’m never going to allow myself to be invested in anything again.’

I stopped myself saying it out loud, but the thought that ran through my head was ‘People die, get taken away or turn out to be assholes.’

R admitted that she felt helpless, being far away. She said that she wanted to read something to me, and read a passage on hope that she offered to email. ‘I’m not sure you’re in a space for it at the moment, but I wanted to offer it.’ For some reason, I dissolved again. R urged me not to beat myself up about it after session. ‘I hate being Soluble Lost.’ ‘Maybe that is where the work is – accepting yourself and your feelings in this moment.’ R asked whether I had anyone else I could talk to, to ensure my safety after today’s session, and urged me not to give work all the credit. ‘Was it a spider’s web you mentioned earlier? You are the most important thing in your life.’ She had noticed the change in me since getting the job, though.

This week’s breathing exercise was a combination breathing and safe place exercise. We were to have a break next week, but R offered a session next Wednesday afternoon.

Mountaindewed · Jun 23, 2020 at 03:19 PM

Finally a very good session. We talked heavily about the situation at work. I actually talked a lot and with very few “I don’t knows.” We talked about my agoraphobia and my transition. We even talked about music and TV shows for the last 5 minutes.

And there wasn’t any bad news so that helped a lot. Plus I actually ate today and had Xanax.

SlumberKitty · Jun 23, 2020 at 03:19 PM

Glad it went so well @Mountaindewed

Lemoncake · Jun 25, 2020 at 02:11 PM

T's had clearly spent time in supervision.

Lots more "I know it's hard" + It doesn't matter if you cant't remember what I said it stopped you crying. It's okay to cry".

Talked about his upcoming break + why it scared me.
Last exam
not doing anything for fathers day guilt.

We also a a cute moment with Dancing in the dark (I played it) and he was humming along.

Lemoncake · Jun 30, 2020 at 10:56 AM

Today:
More crying than talking. He said I was trying to put on a brave face.
He said we could go at my pace.
Plant talk!

Mountaindewed · 03:01 PM

Today was kinda weird. I was wearing a tank top. Which I thought was gonna be fine. Then when the video session started I got super self conscious. Luckily I was in a closet and I told her “hang on this tank top is annoying me.” So I grabbed a random size XL shirt in the closet. Which I was swimming in but it worked. She said “I feel like it was a big step for you to wear a tank top. This is a safe environment and I just want you to be comfortable.” She was wearing a tank top too and at times it looked like she was topless. It was pretty distracting. Today was just weird because my depression and moods were low. But I was also trying to be business today. that was my goal. And also be productive. Which I think I accomplished. The shirt was hella hot too I took it off as soon as I was done.

But we just talked about work, and my moods and the usual stuff. It wasn’t that big of a session. Again I was trying to be serious and productive. I think I was halfway successful.

Lemoncake · 01:00 PM

Today session 2

Possible trigger:

I told him about a dream that I had.
His interpretation was that I wanted to have a baby with him.

I said he was right but I didn't want to say it.
I also had said that he had also changed- he was more patient with me, he was softer and more gentle.
He said that it was something positive we had created together (hence the baby).

More crying about being tired + scared of exams + wanting him to be proud of me+ panic attacks & ocd traits from when I was a kid + that I hid behind my quotes not showing the real me.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 02, 2020 at 06:05 AM

Today’s session ended up being a significant one. R started the call and said that she had received my email, but not had a chance to reply.

‘Sorry about that. Shall we start with how you are feeling in this moment?’

‘My shoulders are up around my ears, as per.’ Out of nowhere, I dissolved. R asked me whether I had cried at any other point this week, and I shook my head.

‘I didn’t want this to happen!’ I then went on to clarify that I was talking about my crying.

‘That was what I thought – you can’t plan this. I saw you shaking your head in disbelief.’

‘There’s no point in me trying to compose myself…’ I managed, just before I crumbled again.

‘You don’t have to hold it together. It’s OK to feel like it’s all too much. You mentioned in your email feeling guilty about your feelings in light of the pandemic. Is that coming back again, if it ever went away?’

‘If it ever went away being the operative phrase.’

‘It would be inhumane if everything we were already dealing with went away because of the pandemic. The pandemic exacerbates everything we’re already dealing with. It’s OK to feel like it is all too much and you can’t cope.’
‘That is an accurate translation…’ I managed, just before I gave way again.
When I recovered that time, I admitted that I felt guilty.

‘You feel guilty? Who is that guilt for?’

‘I feel guilty because I know what it is to feel helpless.’
‘When you are crying, Lost, I don’t feel helpless. I feel empathy, and I can sit here and be with you, which I hope is helpful. I am not sure whether this space has become a trigger.’
We then had an interesting conversation about the aftermath of my crying. R explained her process when she cries (crucially, it does not seem to include guilt) and observed that my fear and guilt over crying seem to be preventing me from experiencing any release.
She spoke at one point of wanting to coach me through the crying. 'It's really uncomfortable, clearly...but it's more than that. It's like it's new. You've been holding back tears for years...'

‘As your therapist, I almost want to say ‘Keep that empathy and compassion, and give it to yourself.’

‘It’s probably a question I need to ask myself, but is there something in the way I have learned to deal with emotions that needs adjusting?’

‘You spoke before about stuffing them down. It depends on what your goal is. As your therapist, and somebody who cares about you, I would hope that you could experience a ‘good’ cry.’
‘I’d like to lose the fear around it. Fear over the past and the future are stealing my present.’

R asked whether there was anything else I wanted to say coming to the end of the session. She noted that we have perhaps uncovered a new area of work, which can be overwhelming.
We did a breathing exercise focused on releasing shoulders, fear and guilt.

SlumberKitty · Jul 02, 2020 at 11:19 AM

This is a few days late. My session was Saturday. It was supposed to be in person but my T has two offices and at the office I don't see her at someone came down with COVID so my T is quarantining herself just to make sure she is free from the virus. So she called me an hour before our session to let me know it would be a phone session rather than in person. Being that the cases are rising rapidly in CA I was more okay with this than I thought. It's just always hard from a privacy perspective to get enough distance from others in the house (my parents) to have a decent conversation with T.

We talked about my feelings about being hospitalized in January and how every 25th of the month these feelings come up that are almost like trauma memories. We talked about the hospitalization and what it meant to be hospitalized and what has come of it. We talked about the hallucinations I have been having and what I have been doing for self care. It was a good session. I don't remember tons because it has been a few days now since the session but yesterday, randomly, T sent a text saying she was thinking of me. I sent back a thank you T text and then she replied with a smiley face. She said I am doing really well considering where I was six, seven, eight months ago and that she is really proud of me.

Mountaindewed · Jul 07, 2020 at 03:11 PM

I had a stupid session today. It was just a bunch of angry silence from me. A bunch of “I‘m worried about you, and may have to legally hospitalize you.” from her. She mentioned having to call 911 and sending an ambulance to my house if I say I’m going to do anything. She desperately wants me in some type of outpatient program. When we ended the call she said “you’ll send emails right?” Uh, no. I won’t. Not this week. I know she’s super worried about me and wants the emails to make sure I’m ok but, I really don’t want to be in some program where people may not take kindly to be me because I’m trans.

I wish she wouldn’t give me a bunch of false hope in previous emails and act liked she’d be seeing clients in the next couple weeks and then today still give me the run around when I ask and say “I really don’t know. Maybe end of August.”

That’s what I’m pissed about. My dumbass self went in there expecting to hear that I could see her in person in the next couple weeks.

The_little_didgee · Jul 08, 2020 at 10:45 AM

When I saw her on Monday, I decided, I needed a break but didn't tell her in person. I left feeling disappointed and angry that I spent $25 to see her. Plus she was 10 minutes late and wanted to end the appointment at the 30 minute mark. Apparently she included the 10 minutes I waited outside in the hot sun as therapy.

Yesterday I sent her an email and told her I need a break and want to re-evaluate why I am in therapy. She was hurt by this and asked me to call her, so I did. I basically told her seeing her on Monday was a waste of time and cost me money. Then I asked if she could come to my place and meet with me there, so I don't have to spend money and wait on her like she is a god. She does that with other clients. Apparently I am too high functioning for that.

I'm mad at her. Why do I have to treat her with respect? She blames me when appointments don't work out. It's always my fault that I don't have something to discuss, that I am not animated enough etc.... Basically I bore her.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 09, 2020 at 05:54 AM

Today’s session was pretty gruelling. R started the call and explained that as today is her Internet switch over day, they had already switched it off, so she was using data. She hoped that the connection would be OK.
‘Deep breaths.’

‘I’m laughing because that was part of a conversation I had with my support worker yesterday. I said to her “Isn’t that all I have left?”’

‘How are you feeling in this moment?’ R asked.

‘When I emailed, I mentioned an upcoming trigger date, but didn’t say what it was.’
‘Remember, I don’t need to know every detail.’

‘Tomorrow…**** tenses, would be or is Chris’ birthday.’

R made a noise of understanding.

‘I shouldn’t feel like this.’

‘You shouldn’t? Who says?’
‘I don’t want to feel like this.’

‘Can you name the emotion you are feeling right now?’

I promptly dissolved, whilst trying to figure out how to put ‘I can’t outrun the sadness any longer’ into words.

‘I get the sense of complete overwhelm.’

‘I have never felt utterly defeated before.’ I continued to cry, and then asked ‘What is the point in me trying to compose myself?’

‘What is the point in you trying to compose yourself? You don’t have to hold it together for me.’

We talked about the developments of the last week in a work-related sense. I explained that I thought I would be teaching again in September, but now that is October, maybe, and still online.
‘It’s just hit me that as we get back to some kind of normality…Work, I’m no longer seeing you in person, I don’t know about classes. Everything you use to keep you on a level is distant. It is what it is at the moment, and all I can offer is this space. I am going to ask you a question – you don’t have to answer it now. It’s big, and ambiguous. What do you need? Not necessarily from me.’
‘It’s a two part question. What do I need, that I have access to?’

We had a conversation about reframing my process around crying, which I described as overwhelmingly negative.
R said she wasn’t sure how to do it, but perhaps through a visualisation.

‘There are a couple of months to go yet, but almost four years on from the cinema experience, I am struck by the fact that I am experiencing that on a near weekly basis. It was horrible, but I was able to put it away and move on.’
‘I hear pride in that, almost as if that is what you are supposed to do.’

‘In every other situation where I have wanted to cry, I have found myself saying ‘I can’t do that, so and so needs me.’

‘Now you have used up your capacity to do that, and you are left with your own stuff.’
R said that she had observed a change in me since lockdown.

‘Our relationship has become more real.’

‘I am glad you said that. It was on the tip of my tongue.’

We briefly talked about my experience of physical pain after crying. Broadly speaking, it’s normal – holding tension creates pain.
Then we did a breathing exercise, relaxing shoulders.

‘I am glad it went without saying this time.’
R asked me to pick a colour to breathe out some of the mess of emotion.

‘It might be too big to breathe it all away, but you can imagine wisps of smoke coming off it. Imagine it going away from you. It’s not going to hurt anyone else – the path is clear.’

Mountaindewed · Jul 15, 2020 at 12:53 PM

I had a really good session today. I told her about the melatonin. We talked a lot. We talked about my doctors visit on Monday. And the side effects I was having. We had a very good productive conversation the whole 45 minutes. Got a lot accomplished. She said I was doing a lot better then I was last week. I said it was because of the increase in Geodon. I said every time a doctor was able to increase my Geodon and I could handle the increase it’s been good. I was snacking on skittles for a bit. I told her about my fears of not seeing her again. But I asked her if she actually wanted to return to the office because I felt like I was being selfish wanting to go back and not thinking of her. She said she doesn’t really want to go back because of her kids. But she says that I will be the first one she’s going to schedule when she does go back at the end of August. But it went really good today.

ScarletPimpernel · Jul 17, 2020 at 05:10 PM

I had the best session I think I've ever had! We did our normal greeting hug and then we sat in our spots. We did a quick anxiety check-in. Then she did a fun question of how I got my dog. After that, I asked her a funny question: what would her stripper name be? We both were cracking up! It was so fun. Then we played the game Shutes and Ladders. She won

After that, we did a review of Wed and today's session, and talked about the word trauma and why I have a hard time associating with it. We also talked about how I panicked last Saturday and that I wasn't stupid for that. We did a check-in about what I'll need to get through the weekend, and talked about how I'm dependent on her. She said she's attached to me too

Then we said our "I love yous", and we gave each other a big hug!

I am so happy which is a very rare thing for me to feel.

Whalen84 · Jul 19, 2020 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healed84

I don't really post here, but I had an unexpected session after a rupture that I need to work through.

So, some background. Two weeks ago I showed up for an appointment and T was not in the office he was in there second location. I had been scheduled incorrectly. This was a human error and people make mistakes. However, it was really more of a confirmation that consistency with T and my appointments times are an issue because he is pulled in many different directions professionally. This was the third month in a row that something happened right before my appointment because of other professional activities he chooses to engage in that has messed up my appointment. I emailed him the day of my last missed appointment admittedly pissed off. Told him we needed to talk about it and it really did come off more accusatory in tone than intended it to. No response after almost a week, really pissed me off which led to me quitting therapy. This was a serious, I am done I can find another t who can actually be at their appointments when scheduled and who will respond when I am noticeably upset about something the t was responsible for.

In the meantime I did email a new T to inquire about whether she was taking new clients and her availability, etc. I gave her some background of what was going on, and I got a thoughtful reply. I told her that I would I reach back out to her in a week if I want to schedule something.

Yesterday morning I got a call from t's office saying he had a cancellation that morning and he wanted to know if I could come in. I agreed. He came and got me about 15mins after the hour which is really way early for t, so that was a plus. We sat down and he asked me to tell him what was going on. I really had a hard time putting it all into words at first. So, I said well you got the emails. Then he said something to the effect of yes, I read those emails which leads me to believe there is "More" going on. Which really pissed me off and got me talking.

I told him, I don't like that you think my freak out over appointment times is more from from my rejection/abandonment issues are triggered. While that may be true, there were actually tangible things that happened and that why I was pissed. So he ask me to tell me what those things were. So, I told him the the examples from the last three months of showing up an my appointments were either cancelled or I he was really late, like 40-50 mins late. I told him that lately I show up to my appointments and wonder if it will actually happen, and if it does how late will it be. That is not how therapy should feel and I need that to change. I told him especially right now, as my anxiety has been at a 10 and felt like I haven't had anybody to talk to about it for the last month because of this nonsense. So he told me he had no clue I was feeling like this and didn't know that I felt like therapy was failing me.

But from there, we really only talked about my anxiety.. which is good and bad because I really need to talk about everything from the last month, but the whole time in the back of my head I was arguing with myself as far as if I should bring the issue back up again. At the end of the appointment, he asked if I wanted to schedule or take a break from therapy. I said that I was torn because of the height of my anxiety, I need somebody, but I need that somebody to be consistent. So, he went to his computer and pulled up his schedule and looked through it. He was able to establish a time that was consistent that he will always be in the office before my appointment.

So, although we did talk about the incidents and he did establish a better more consistent appointment t I still feel like we just glossed over my anger and sadness and didn't really explore it as much as I thought we would. Or, hear affirmation from him that he understood why I was so pissed and he was sorry. I think I need that.. So, I am scheduled to see him next week and I need that to be the focus of the appointment. and I am still considering making an appointment with the other t as well.

Comments/questions are welcomed.

You're T is an asshole. You deserve better. You're very brave to have faced him and he's trying to be slick by trying to get you to think that it's so deeper issue when you're smart enough to know it's not. Its plain and simple. He's being unprofessional and unethical and just an obnoxious **** and I REALLY REALLY hope you get a new, better T that you deserve.
This is pure ******** on his part. He should be ashamed of himself.

Mountaindewed · Jul 21, 2020 at 01:50 PM

It went decently today. She said I seemed “sleepy” and asked how my sleep was and if I had just taken anxiety meds. We talked about the surgery I’m having. I asked her if they put tubes in your throat when your having the surgery and she’s like “I think they do?” I told her I was concerned about the virus again and the rise of cases in my age group. She said it was because they are being stupid and going to bars. I later told her I was concerned because I had gone to Walmart yesterday. She said what I am doing is totally fine. But we were both tired and off. She apologized and said “sorry I’m off. I’m not feeling good.” And I said “I thought it was me because I’m not feeling good either.” But it went alright. She said “how does it feel not to have a week without doctors appointments?” Lol.

susannahsays · Jul 21, 2020 at 04:37 PM

Mountaindewed, I don't know what kind of surgery you're having, but I've had two surgeries under general anaesthesia and they do not intubate you. Intubation is for when people can't breathe on their own, and that doesn't happen because of surgery unless the patient is critically ill and/responds poorly to the anaesthetic or something. It's definitely not standard. They put a mask on you to deliver oxygen, I think (the anaesthetic gave me amnesia for the part before I was put under in the OR and for a few minutes after I woke up). Intubation is an absolute last resort for people who can't breathe as it's really hard on the body. Iirc, they said my breathing was actually a bit off during the first surgery, but they still didn't intubate and just made sure I was getting enough oxygen.

I did once have a procedure where a camera was sent down my throat into my stomach, but I have no memory of it due to the sedation. My throat didn't hurt or anything when I woke up, though.

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In Session Today: Part VI

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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jun 11, 2020 at 04:46 PM #781 HUGS Lost. I'm glad you are giving yourself a break tomorrow. Sessions either in person or virtually tire me out and sometimes waylay me for a day or two. HUGS Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jun 16, 2020 at 02:21 PM #783 All the things I had been planning on talking about in my session flew out of my head as soon as she asked what I wanted to talk about today. It was really frustrating. I kept hoping I would remember something but I never did. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jun 23, 2020 at 03:19 PM #786 Glad it went so well @Mountaindewed __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,687 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jun 30, 2020 at 10:56 AM #788 Today: More crying than talking. He said I was trying to put on a brave face. He said we could go at my pace. Plant talk! __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."