[confused_77]

I am still struggling with the consept of attachment and therapists authenticity. Do they truly care? i so often compare it to an example of a teacher. Its a role both therpists and teachers take and just because a teacher goes home to their families, problems it doesnt mean they dont care in class.... just because therapist limits outside practice contact doesnt mean they are not invested and genuinely invloved.
Having said that i started questioning why we end up in therapy in the first place. Is it like a 'course' to get ourselves better and learn some skills improving our ability to function or is it to be heared and understood. I think in the first scenario a therapist is a tool, like any teacher who has the strategies, ideas, knowledge of better coping mechanism but if we go there to be heard its difficult to accept that they dont get invloved as much as we wish.
Its an ongoing issue for me.
Not even sure if what i wrote makes sense!

[DP_2017]

I believe 100% he cared about me... WHEN HE HAD TO but once he left the career, and walked away from me, that care ended... so was it real? Eh, maybe to a degree but not true care like they should have for people in such an industry. I hate how they make people who already have issues feel like they truly care/matter when in the end, they don't. it's just a job. The job ends, the care ends. Simple as that.

It's been hard for me because believing he cared about me and I mattered made therapy so helpful for me and I really felt good about myself but now I'm back to who I was before and seeing it as a lie is tough.....

I am not a fan of therapy, it may work for some but surely not for me.

[winterblues17]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I believe 100% he cared about me... WHEN HE HAD TO but once he left the career, and walked away from me, that care ended... so was it real? Eh, maybe to a degree but not true care like they should have for people in such an industry. I hate how they make people who already have issues feel like they truly care/matter when in the end, they don't. it's just a job. The job ends, the care ends. Simple as that.

It's been hard for me because believing he cared about me and I mattered made therapy so helpful for me and I really felt good about myself but now I'm back to who I was before and seeing it as a lie is tough.....

I am not a fan of therapy, it may work for some but surely not for me.

I agree with u DP 100% over the care thing, when I was with her she showed care and I think I'm good at reading ppl generally, but the care now seems all rather fake. Because I don't see how someone can truly care about A person, yet choose to walk away without any contact ever again. If I care about someone I couldn't fathom doing such a thing.
Apparently that's part of the training though, the rules and the ethics. So yes while I saw and felt her care, I can't quite fathom how real it was after Tuesday.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by winterblues17

I don't see how someone can truly care about A person, yet choose to walk away without any contact ever again. If I care about someone I couldn't fathom doing such a thing.
Apparently that's part of the training though, the rules and the ethics. So yes while I saw and felt her care, I can't quite fathom how real it was after Tuesday.

All of this, so true. If I "drifted away" or moved away or whatever from someone I really cared about, lines of communication wouldn't forever end, they would always be welcome to reach out

This is a HUGE flaw in therapy and something I'll never get, ya for SOME people they may benefit from that but others no. I think people especially with trust issues get really screwed but instead of being a case by case thing as it should be, all of us have to live under these laws/ethics/guidelines that only help some people. This industry is a mess

[winterblues17]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

All of this, so true. If I "drifted away" or moved away or whatever from someone I really cared about, lines of communication wouldn't forever end, they would always be welcome to reach out

This is a HUGE flaw in therapy and something I'll never get, ya for SOME people they may benefit from that but others no. I think people especially with trust issues get really screwed but instead of being a case by case thing as it should be, all of us have to live under these laws/ethics/guidelines that only help some people. This industry is a mess

Yep once again I agree! If you truly care about someone like u say u leave lines of support and communication open, to actually completely walk and eradicate yourself out of someone's life is far from caring!

I think therapy is also floored, everyone is tarred with the same brush and when all else fails the excuses of ethics is used! Of course I understand ethics etc, but I personally find these things like leaving someone with trust and abandonment issues with nothing is more unethical, but somewhere in the rule books it's saying that's the way it should be, and that's what they abide by.

Everyone's needs and experiences are different but basically we all tarred with the same brush!

[Anne2.0]

What you are experiencing makes perfect sense, but it hasn't been my experience. I'd be curious about whether wondering whether people care about you is something that pops up in other places in your life.

I think sometimes people use "you don't care" as a weapon against other people, as a way to shame them for not doing what they want. The other day a friend told me a story about a family member who went nuts and screamed out the accusations of you don't really care about me after my friend refused to tell her confidential information about another family member. I've experienced some versions of this in my life and it has sounded like a prescriptive-- well if you care about me, then you must prove it by doing X or Y or Z.

In my therapy, whether or not he cares about me is not something I think about or discuss. I don't know what faking caring would be. He doesn't say "I care about you" but I do feel cared for, in the sense that I think he wants to do his best to help me in whatever it is I want help for, that he is happy when I'm able to accomplish certain goals. But would it be a blip on his day if I suddenly ghosted him or decided to quit? I dunno, I feel he'd let it go pretty quickly.

[Rive.]

Yep, it makes sense.

I think the issue can be raised in any human relationship: i.e. how deep or genuine is the 'authenticity' and 'care'. I believe the definition might also vary from individual to individual.

In a T relationship (or with a teacher) *if* there is caring, the caring is time- and context-limited. There is a reason relationships are not encouraged with Ts or teachers etc. It is meant to protect (vulnerable) people and, at least, for those ethical Ts to do the least harm.

[susannahsays]

I think many of them care, though not in the way most clients seem to want. I think it is an impersonal caring. If the therapist likes her/his job, she/he cares and is invested in the client because of that. It is not because of anything special about the client. As for your other question, I think people go to therapy for many different reasons, and sometimes they overlap.

I feel cared about now. Not always by some mental health workers.
I detest the idea of being taught skills, etc.
I entered therapy because I hurt so bad. I wanted someone to care able me. I didn't give up in that quest and it paid off.
But I never give up in going after what I want.
What happens along the journey to that is neither here nor there.
I toss of bad experiences and continue for the good.

[DP_2017]

Rive

I agree however I'm not vulnerable and don't like being treated as such
Just because a person may need help or cry from Time to time doesn't mean they are a vulnerable person but rather just human
Therapists in therapy also have vulnerable moments but I don't think they all are vulnerable people
This is where my issues are, I don't think we all need to be treated that way and have rules for that when it doesn't help everyone. Case by case is the best way to tryly help clients

[stopdog]

I have never thought that authenticity or caring mattered when it came to therapy for me. Whether the therapist was authentic or not really did not come up. In general I tend to think if one finds someone else to be caring in a way that helps, it doesn't matter if it is real or not and how one defines real enters into it. Take it as being useful and go on is how I see it.

In general, I don't believe they care. I work with a lot of them in my representation of clients have been or are being harmed by western mental health care - I would not ever say that caring is the first thing that comes to mind when I read their records or talk to them.

[nottrustin]

My prospective is admittedly probably jaded.

I believe Ts generally do care and are authentic. I know 100% without a doubt T cared about me. She stifled tears a lot especially if she said something that hurt me. She wasnt just my T that one hour a week. She was as always available. She was always looking for ways to help me like looking for articles that might help if I read, etc.

I am pretty sure T cares ss well...

Fron a professional standpoint, I know Ts care. We only have patients short term. However we do watch/read the news. We celebrate the successes in their lives and also feel sorrow when things don't go as planned.

[DP_2017]

Yep like i said i believe mine cared when he had to. However the minute our last session ended, so did his care. There's no way he thinks of me or cares etc now. He's moved on. That's what bugs me. It's hard to see it as real when it was only because I was his job and his job is to care.

I still care about him. That wont change. It wasn't my job to care, i did because I'm a good person and he genuinely meant something to me. I hate that I'm thrown aside like his career now. I'm garbage now and that's hard to accept sometimes

[Salmon77]

Originally Posted by confused_77

I am still struggling with the consept of attachment and therapists authenticity. Do they truly care? i so often compare it to an example of a teacher. Its a role both therpists and teachers take and just because a teacher goes home to their families, problems it doesnt mean they dont care in class.... just because therapist limits outside practice contact doesnt mean they are not invested and genuinely invloved.

My T acts like he cares about me so I believe he does. Not like a friend or family member, I'm sure, but it's a kind of care anyway. I guess it is kind of like a teacher

Originally Posted by confused_77

Having said that i started questioning why we end up in therapy in the first place. Is it like a 'course' to get ourselves better and learn some skills improving our ability to function or is it to be heared and understood. I think in the first scenario a therapist is a tool, like any teacher who has the strategies, ideas, knowledge of better coping mechanism but if we go there to be heard its difficult to accept that they dont get invloved as much as we wish.
Its an ongoing issue for me.
Not even sure if what i wrote makes sense!

I think it's different for different people. For me it is about being heard and understood, but maybe more about hearing and understanding myself, which is hard for me at times. I have picked up some "skills" on the way, I think, like being a better listener to others, which helps, too.

[LabRat27]

When I teach I care about my students, and not just about their academic achievement and mastery of the material.

My T says he cares. He said it hurt to hear some of the cruel things I say to myself, and that felt authentic. I could tell it was genuine.
I have had Ts who cared too much in the past. If a T is too personally invested then I feel guilty for burdening them and don't want to upset them.

I trust that my T cares, but also that he can manage his own emotions and won't let caring about me have a significant negative impact on him outside of our sessions.

[piggy momma]

Originally Posted by confused_77

I am still struggling with the consept of attachment and therapists authenticity. Do they truly care? i so often compare it to an example of a teacher. Its a role both therpists and teachers take and just because a teacher goes home to their families, problems it doesnt mean they dont care in class.... just because therapist limits outside practice contact doesnt mean they are not invested and genuinely invloved.
Having said that i started questioning why we end up in therapy in the first place. Is it like a 'course' to get ourselves better and learn some skills improving our ability to function or is it to be heared and understood. I think in the first scenario a therapist is a tool, like any teacher who has the strategies, ideas, knowledge of better coping mechanism but if we go there to be heard its difficult to accept that they dont get invloved as much as we wish.
Its an ongoing issue for me.
Not even sure if what i wrote makes sense!

I think you can look at why people end up in therapy through a couple different lens. One is an illness model - people end up in therapy because they are broken and want to get better. The second is a wellness model - people go to therapy to maintain the gains they have made in their life, and to stay on track.

I think the question of caring obviously varies from therapist to therapist. I have often accused my therapist of not caring about me, and I think it hurt him to hear that, because he always responded that it was sad that that was my perception. I think he does care about me. I think I also test his very limits and exhaust the hell out of him. He can't care all day every day. But he can care in the grand scheme of things.

[MoxieDoxie]

This is such a huge topic for me. I never felt cared and nurtured as a child and the therapist triggers this child part in me always. I have had enough therapists and therapy but this part never gets soothed. So my therapist seems authentically caring and invested in me in session has responded to emails and has called me if a needed in the past but he has NEVER on his own contacted me just to check in on me.

If I quit therapy that will be the end of all of it. He would never keep in touch. Sure they can care at the moment. I can care, at the moment, for someone, but then never contact them again once they leave. This is such a hard pill to swallow that I completely stopped communicating with him out of session and cut down the amount of time I see him. He never questioned it.

I can never allow myself to attach to a therapist like that again. It still is painful to keep distance and go about my life pretending he is not in it until I have to drive there.

I think it is the fake caring that makes us go back and the history you lay down in session. He knows me and my situation better than anyone else in my life and that to makes it hard.

[Myrto]

Therapy is designed for therapists, not for clients. So obviously their "caring" is based on how willing clients are to play the game. Therapists "care" IF they like the client, are invested in him/her. Doesn't it say it all? The client has to be likable, interesting (how gross is that: your problems have to be interesting otherwise the therapist is like "meh. I'm out") which means not questioning the therapist too much, walking on eggshells, being compliant, and most of all never question the basic premise of therapy. Otherwise the therapist will feel criticized, incompetent and won't get anything out of it any longer. So they will terminate. Of course this gets rationalized as "counter-transference" and "I don't have the tools to help you anymore" bs.

[winterblues17]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Rive

I agree however I'm not vulnerable and don't like being treated as such
Just because a person may need help or cry from Time to time doesn't mean they are a vulnerable person but rather just human
Therapists in therapy also have vulnerable moments but I don't think they all are vulnerable people
This is where my issues are, I don't think we all need to be treated that way and have rules for that when it doesn't help everyone. Case by case is the best way to tryly help clients

I agree with this, I have actually said that to T. I am not a vulnerable adult. I may have issues, I may be struggling and emotional right now, but I am still a capable adult, I still work, I still pay my bills, look after my animals, drive my car etc. I am able to function as an adult for the most, and I'm only saying for the most because right now I'm struggling over this loss.

I think every individual is unique, yes some that go into therapy, even perhaps a high percentage of ppl may be classified as 'vulnerable adults' however not all are. Some are simply depressed or anxious, and some might even just go for confidence building. I think it should not be blanketed as it seems to be, and like you say each case and person should be judged on that.

[Albatross2008]

It would make sense to me that therapists care. It's better for them when they do. Let's face it; they'd look really bad if their clients weren't improving any, so it's in their best interest to see that they do.

As far as caring about the client individually, there's actually a danger in that. Some people have issues with relationships and attachments. They may come to see their therapist as their primary relationship in life, and a therapist is just NOT designed to fit that role. They're not supposed to socialize with clients, for example. The client is supposed to build his/her own social life outside of therapy. (Assuming the client wants one. It's OK to be an introvert.)

And a therapist limits after-hours contact for the same reason that my husband, a bus driver, gets the heck away from the bus while he's on break and doesn't like to be recognized by passengers in public. Because then they'll inundate him with questions about the bus service, and he'll get tied up with that, and he won't have time for his own personal life.