[DP_2017]

I am reluctant to post here again but this is the only place I know of to
discuss therapy stuff. I am not looking for rude or judgemental replies.

I’m well aware many people here hate my T and think he was very
bad with me. While, I agree (and so did he) that he is not a very good
T, what we had worked for me. Being able to connect to him like that
built my confidence, it made me feel like I mattered, I felt so comfortable
that I became assertive with him, we had this amazingly awesome
relationship that made me happy and helped me get through my crap
days. So it may not be “ideal” or whatever but it worked for me. This
is why I think so many therapy rules need to be revamped. Not every
client is the same, nor will they have the same reactions to things.

I went to therapy for anxiety related issues over my dog aging
and sadly he died in the course of my therapy but I had T to help
me through that. I never really went “deep”, I’d avoid feelings
as much as I could and I didn’t want to discuss the past much.
In that sense, I never got anything useful from therapy, which
is a huge reason why I wont go back, therapy isn’t for me…I
kept going all those months after, because of him. Plain and simple.

I didn’t see it as “paying a friend”, I never paid him directly, I paid
the company, so it was more like rental space. T got me a HUGE
discount so I felt really lucky anyway and a few times he didn’t
charge me at all.

In the final sessions, he admitted to having feelings (although wasn’t
specific on that) and a connection with me that he didn’t have
with the others. He said repeatedly with happiness and hope (some times)
that I can reach out in 2 yrs. I thought things were good all things
considered. We had a nice final session, we played a game and
laughed a lot and he really opened up to me about his ex wife and such.
It felt normal, happy. Then after we hugged for the last time and he
walked away…. and after his dreadful last text, my mood went
from happy/hopeful to wondering if I ever really mattered. His job
was over… so the care and all that ended. He didn’t have to deal with
me one more moment, just like that, I was in his past.

The reason I’m posting, isn’t for people to tell me if they like my T or
if they think he was “unethical” or for people to tell me to see another,
but to ask, any advice on dealing with the feeling of suddenly everything
feels fake and meaningless, on my own. I can’t even really sit and think
about the fun times we had because all I think of now was “well he
was at work, it meant nothing to him” and it’s driving me crazy. I WANT
to have that hopeful/semi happy feeling about it all again.

I can’t stop thinking about how, even though I may cross his mind here or
there, I no longer matter. In his goodbye letter, I told him that
I got through my dogs death so well because T made me feel loved, cared
about and like I mattered… but now my mind is saying, but that was
all just, for work. You see, I have a PT cashier job. I hate it. I go
there and put a smile on my face and “talk nice” to the customers
and tell them to have a good day but I literally don’t care about any of
them. It legit IS a job to me and nothing more. So I keep thinking of
everything with us, in the same way. Maybe if we had a more “normal”
T/client thing where I did go deep and share painful things, it might
make sense to me but I even told him I never saw him as a T.
To me, this was just a man, I got to know and I loved being around.
So it all feels fake to me now… like how can I mean anything to him
but he can casually walk away?

I’m unsure of how to get myself back on track with better thoughts but
I need some advice on it. Even if its a 1% chance of seeing him again
someday, I want to hold on to that and help me get through the day,
where as right now, I have 0% belief of it.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

The reason I’m posting, isn’t for people to tell me if they like my T or if they think he was “unethical” or for people to tell me to see another, but to ask, any advice on dealing with the feeling of suddenly everything feels fake and meaningless, on my own. I can’t even really sit and think about the fun times we had because all I think of now was “well he was at work, it meant nothing to him” and it’s driving me crazy. I WANT to have that hopeful/semi happy feeling about it all again.

I don't think have any new advice, seeing/turning all the good to bad is one of the things I struggle with. The one thing that comes to mind is distraction, get so involved that he is no longer part of your daily thinking life. I'm not sure that's new. I'm not sure how possible it is given your recent medical stuff. I've been using a puzzle app game on my phone to go to mindless numbing space. It lets the hours pass without me thinking about anything. Someone else at a different time suggested taking on learning a new skill or something like that. I'm not sure there's anything but getting distance on it in some way.

I think it might still be part of grief, but I'm not sure. Other than your dog, how have you dealt with loss in the past, not just relationship loss, loss in general? Is that method a safe method for you?

And yeah, you can keep posting here. Many people here do want to be helpful. I know I want to be helpful and wish there was something I could do to ease your pains.

[CharlieStarDust]

Just sent you a DM.

[unaluna]

Well, at your part time job, you can either smile and maybe make someones day, or be crabby and totally ruin someones day. So what does that mean? (I dont have the answer, i want you to answer it.)

You dont want to talk about your childhood, but siblings of special siblings are often shortchanged. I tried to be the least bother possible to my parents, since my brother was such a bother. They never even noticed, of course! But thats not how this life thing is supposed to work.

[stopdog]

Have you thought about the advice you have given others?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Elio

I don't think have any new advice, seeing/turning all the good to bad is one of the things I struggle with. The one thing that comes to mind is distraction, get so involved that he is no longer part of your daily thinking life. I'm not sure that's new. I'm not sure how possible it is given your recent medical stuff. I've been using a puzzle app game on my phone to go to mindless numbing space. It lets the hours pass without me thinking about anything. Someone else at a different time suggested taking on learning a new skill or something like that. I'm not sure there's anything but getting distance on it in some way.

I think it might still be part of grief, but I'm not sure. Other than your dog, how have you dealt with loss in the past, not just relationship loss, loss in general? Is that method a safe method for you?

And yeah, you can keep posting here. Many people here do want to be helpful. I know I want to be helpful and wish there was something I could do to ease your pains.

I do use apps and movies, the exact things I used to zone out for my dog, it helps to a point but there's tons of things that remind me of him...

No my dog is my only grief type loss. I've lost a grandpa before but didn't seem phased in the slightest, I don't have any close family relationships so it didn't bother me

[junkDNA]

there are some things in life that we are not granted closure for. I've dealt with a few. it takes acceptance and a willingness to keep moving forward. whether your t was being fake because it was his job or whether he and you had a very authentic relationship outside of the realm of therapy... doesn't really matter at this point. if you got what you needed from your therapist at the time then that's what matters... he helped you thru rough times in your life regardless of it being just his job or not. I don't think we can ever get a real truthful answer about this from therapists... at least I don't feel I can trust any answer from any therapist... which in my case is wise because I've been hurt before by people under the guise of help and therapy. I get the emotional turmoil over such questions but at some point I had to accept that I won't ever truly know.. and what matters is my life and the direction I want to take

[downandlonely]

I have been hurt by people who faked relationships just to get something out of me. It makes me angry, but I just try to realize it is more about them than it is about me.

This might be hurting you more because you have no close relationships in your life. Not sure what you can do about that though.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I have been hurt by people who faked relationships just to get something out of me. It makes me angry, but I just try to realize it is more about them than it is about me.

This might be hurting you more because you have no close relationships in your life. Not sure what you can do about that though.

Not sure.... maybe it's just tiring only meeting fake people. Feeling like no one ever really likes me or cares, they only do because they have to. It gets tiring.

I never thought he would be this way.... but in my mind, he's exactly like everyone else. So, I spent tons of money for someone to screw me over. That makes no sense

[zoiecat]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time DP.
I am not downgrading your therapist but from the sound of your last post it's like he was more of a friend than a therapist and you thought of him the same way. I would not necessarily say he does not care or he thought of you as just a job but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open to be a therapist in the future if things don't work out with what he's doing now that is why is keeping up his license. It sounds like he really did care for you not in a therapist way which isn't good for him as far as his license is concerned so that is why he is avoiding you for the next two years.

I can't say yes or no that he will want to see you in two years he may have a totally different life by then and so may you.

You probably don't want to hear this and I know you've said this in the past that you don't like making friends with people but it sounds like he pretty much had a friend relationship with this guy who happened to be your therapist. Why not make the effort and try to make friends with another guy someone that you can actually be friends with now and it may lead to something deeper down the road.

Right now it seems like you're experiencing a break up as you would with any boyfriend. That takes awhile to get over and eventually people end up replacing the one they broke up with with someone better.

I think you should give it a try in my opinion that is always up to you. You have proven to yourself that you are capable of making friends with somebody.

Another thing that I noticed from all of your post as you constantly say that you're not good enough to be friends with or that the rules should change.

Looking at reality I seriously doubt the rules will change. Also in looking at reality your feelings about why he is not talking to you are not fact either. The fact is he can't be friends with you right now because he wants to keep his license and he has to follow the ethical rules of his profession. It has nothing to do with you it doesn't even mean he doesn't want to talk to you but he has to follow the rules. You do deserve to have a relationship it just can't be with him right now.

I wish you the best.

[ScarletPimpernel]

For my relationship with my T, I pay her for her expertise, experience, and time, but I don't pay for her to care about me. She does that for free. I know she cares based upon things she has said and backed it up with action. It's hard trusting her sometimes because of past experiences, and other times I'm reminded that I am her job (i.e. no contact during maternity leave, no reduced fee even though I'm struggling financially). But the relationship is real, the caring is real.

One of the reasons you might be struggling with your relationship with your ex-T is because it wasn't a therapeutic relationship. You didn't get therapy from him. So it's no wonder why it would be confusing now. I'm sorry he did this. My guess is that the care was genuine, but for some reason, he didn't do his job.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time DP.
I am not downgrading your therapist but from the sound of your last post it's like he was more of a friend than a therapist and you thought of him the same way. I would not necessarily say he does not care or he thought of you as just a job but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open to be a therapist in the future if things don't work out with what he's doing now that is why is keeping up his license. It sounds like he really did care for you not in a therapist way which isn't good for him as far as his license is concerned so that is why he is avoiding you for the next two years.

I can't say yes or no that he will want to see you in two years he may have a totally different life by then and so may you.

You probably don't want to hear this and I know you've said this in the past that you don't like making friends with people but it sounds like he pretty much had a friend relationship with this guy who happened to be your therapist. Why not make the effort and try to make friends with another guy someone that you can actually be friends with now and it may lead to something deeper down the road.

Right now it seems like you're experiencing a break up as you would with any boyfriend. That takes awhile to get over and eventually people end up replacing the one they broke up with with someone better.

I think you should give it a try in my opinion that is always up to you. You have proven to yourself that you are capable of making friends with somebody.

Another thing that I noticed from all of your post as you constantly say that you're not good enough to be friends with or that the rules should change.

Looking at reality I seriously doubt the rules will change. Also in looking at reality your feelings about why he is not talking to you are not fact either. The fact is he can't be friends with you right now because he wants to keep his license and he has to follow the ethical rules of his profession. It has nothing to do with you it doesn't even mean he doesn't want to talk to you but he has to follow the rules. You do deserve to have a relationship it just can't be with him right now.

I wish you the best.

I really like this post so thanks.

As for the new friends thing, what I mean is, I'm not wanting to actively go out and meet new people and hope we click and be friends, it's more of a by chance thing for me. I had 2 guys, at the start of this year and both have already backfired, it's part of why I'm feeling so frustrated with my life.

One I work with and he asked to hang out and I did, but I was so uncomfortable the entire time, I came home and blocked him. (He was going on and on about weapons and hating people etc)

The other was a guy from my past, who contacted me after 8 years.... we chatted briefly via text and I found out, ironically he's a T now too, so I was wanting to meet up and talk and meet his new dog, but the day he told me we should meet up, I texted to ask if we still were on and *silence*... it was a week ago tomorrow. Not a word since. This type of **** happens to be constantly. so much so my best friend says that if she didn't know me and see this **** herself, she wouldn't believe this much crap happened to one person.

I never intended to have any relationship with T, other than a client.... and I don't think he did either. At first, things were fun and nice but it got deeper and we got closer and closer after the divorce. I once told him, we kinda helped each other get through the first year of loss, his divorce was 3 days before my dog died.
That could have been hugely what bonded us.... and we just got along so well. I don't find that click with many people... if my best friend lived closer, it would probably be a huge difference in my life. She's the only other person I have that with

Also, yes you are right about 2 years. Neither of us know that, and I've always been aware of it. We discussed just contact and if we both decide to meet up, go from there. I told him that "if the bond we had was a real thing and not just therapy, it will be easy to pick up like no time has passed" and he agreed.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

there are some things in life that we are not granted closure for. I've dealt with a few. it takes acceptance and a willingness to keep moving forward. whether your t was being fake because it was his job or whether he and you had a very authentic relationship outside of the realm of therapy... doesn't really matter at this point. if you got what you needed from your therapist at the time then that's what matters... he helped you thru rough times in your life regardless of it being just his job or not. I don't think we can ever get a real truthful answer about this from therapists... at least I don't feel I can trust any answer from any therapist... which in my case is wise because I've been hurt before by people under the guise of help and therapy. I get the emotional turmoil over such questions but at some point I had to accept that I won't ever truly know.. and what matters is my life and the direction I want to take

This made a lot of sense, thanks

I know this may not be what you want to obsess about now but... could not help myself to have a thought reading this in the OP: "In the final sessions, he admitted to having feelings (although wasn’t specific on that) and a connection with me that he didn’t have
with the others. He said repeatedly with happiness and hope (some times) that I can reach out in 2 yrs."

I remember there was some discussion on why the T was strict about the 2 years while there is no ethics rule that ex-T and ex-client cannot have a non-romantic friendship sooner. Plus, you constantly told us about how personal the relationship got, that you played some mysterious game that is way beyond normal boundaries/disclosures etc. So what if the T actually had some serious romantic feelings for you and that is the kind of relationship he would want to explore later? Why the 2 years? That in fact it's not that he does not care but he cares in really "inappropriate" ways? Dunno, it was just my first thought reading this post.

[DP_2017]

^ could be, none of us knows what another is thinking. I've made more peace with the 2 yr thing, after talking to other people about it, that's not as big an issue to me now. I just really want to stop obsessing how the relationship being meaningless, I WANT to see the good in it.

Maybe it's part of grief, idk. When my dog died... I refused to talk about memories or anything with anyone, even T, for months. It wasn't that I felt it was meaningless, in that case, I knew he loved me and that he cared, no doubt, but it was that it was taken from me... I felt at times like he intentionally did it too and even told T that, which is absurd of course, but grief does weird things to your mind

What would help you to see that it was/is not meaningless? Because, for me as a distant reader of your stories over time, it seems everything but meaningless. I think you are right that it is the grief coloring the whole thing now, that losing him (and not knowing whether there will ever be a follow-up) is what you focus on right now, not on what the relationship had provided.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

That in fact it's not that he does not care but he cares in really "inappropriate" ways? Dunno, it was just my first thought reading this post.

I have wondered this as well.

btw - I am terrible at making friends. I explain it to my T as, I'm the person that there's nothing wrong with, I just am not thought about when other people are thinking of the "who" to invite to their things so I don't get invited. It's not even that they don't like me. I'm not sure she gets it. And yeah, I thought I was making progress in 2017, then I had surgery and complications from surgery. I reached out to those potential new friends and got silence. They knew I had surgery. One was my personal trainer that I thought might move into friendship zone (I was seeing her 2x a week for over a year, I had shared a lot of personal stuff and she had shared some back). After that I went through a period where I felt like see I can't even pay people to be my friend. Ok, that still stings.

I did get another personal trainer because I had/have goals that I cannot reach on my own. I was/am much more reserved with this personal trainer and we have no friend like interactions.

Anyway, kind of feel like going off topic here. I wanted to add my voice to this possible theory. We won't really know until the 2 yrs are up and you are able to contact him.

[RaineD]

You seem really bothered by the last text he sent you. It seems to be the thing that triggered a downward spiral. If I remember correctly, you texted him a photo of you guys that you took during that last session. He replied with something like, "Thanks, I'll save everything on this phone before the factory reset." He's basically saying he will save the photo and other photos and texts between you. I'm not sure why that upset you so much. I think he was trying to say that he cares and wants to remember you so he's saving everything. Why did that text make you feel like everything was fake or you were just his job?

Maybe if we talked about that text more we can figure out why you feel so bad.

[elisewin]

I would have read it like RaineD: him wanting to let you know he saved things you sent, that they were meaningful.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by RaineD

You seem really bothered by the last text he sent you. It seems to be the thing that triggered a downward spiral. If I remember correctly, you texted him a photo of you guys that you took during that last session. He replied with something like, "Thanks, I'll save everything on this phone before the factory reset." He's basically saying he will save the photo and other photos and texts between you. I'm not sure why that upset you so much. I think he was trying to say that he cares and wants to remember you so he's saving everything. Why did that text make you feel like everything was fake or you were just his job?

Maybe if we talked about that text more we can figure out why you feel so bad.

Wait, this is his phone he had from work, the one he had to turn in correct? Then yeah, doesn't his statement mean that he'll save it all off the phone to someplace else before he had to turn it in? Unless RaineD is quoting that text incorrectly or if there was others that we missed; I'd read it as he's saving all the stuff. Why would he save it all someplace else (like his computer) if he didn't want to keep it, if it didn't mean something to him?

Granted, high probability here that I'm missing something, forgive me if I am.