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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 09:53 PM
  #1
C sent the therapist a text and the therapist responded, "I'm concerned about you." I do not understand this expression coming from a therapist. Actually, I don't understand this expression much period. I don't understand lots of the things therapists say, but this one and things like "I care about you" and "I like you" (both of which the therapist sometimes says) baffle me.

I realize this touches on the topic of therapists caring and stuff, which seems like a sensitive subject with some people. I do not intend to be inflammatory. I am just confused by the intended the effect these words are supposed to have on me and how I am expected to respond. Obviously, the actual effect and my response are either out of both the therapist and my control or only under my control. I guess I'm curious what the therapist is thinking when she says these things. My assumption is that she says these things with some aim in mind, otherwise, why bother? Not understanding her purpose makes me feel suspicious and off balance.

What I am looking for in this post is what people think their therapists intend by these statements, and the effect such statements have on you. Also how you respond. Obviously none of us are mindreaders, I'm just interested what people think. I love debate, but please remember that everyone has a right to their opinion, and you are unlikely to change someone's perception by telling them they are wrong.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:01 PM
  #2
When I’ve heard it (it’s been a while), it’s been that they’re concerned I am in a bad enough state that I will hurt myself in some way. I think the purpose is either to get me to reach out to them or to get me not to do whatever. The effect on me has basically been to shrug it off. I tend to assume they are just checking boxes. Otherwise they might actually do something about whatever.

Presumably C’s text precipitated the statement, so maybe you could figure it out from that?
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:04 PM
  #3
My T never said he was concerned about me, but if he had, it was just saying that he was caring and hoping I was ok. Just like most people would for someone.

My T never said much to the effect but if he didn't, I wouldn't read into it. I'd just take it as caring, part of the T job

That being said, the closest examples I can think of is, once when we texted.... he said "Everyone has value, even if they don't see it yet" and a smiley face. I'd have to go back and read my response to it but it was probably either a joke or just something, like, ya that's true.

The other was when I read something out loud after we had a disagreement that nearly ended it all, and I said "At times, you made me feel loved" and I was very unsure of how he'd reply but he simply said "Good" and smiled. That, made my entire day. I try to use that as one of the moments to reflect on when I'm down even though it's hard to see good lately.

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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:05 PM
  #4
I would interpret it as they are worried about me for some reason. My most likely internal reaction would be reflecting on it a bit to see if the worry is founded, maybe I am overlooking/denying something, or perhaps they misunderstood.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:07 PM
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@@ The text said we hadn't bathed in 6 days (I know, gross, I was so mortified she snitched I ended the strike). To be exact, it said, "Today is the 6th day I have not bathed." That's all. Then when the therapist responded, she said, "I am concerned about you. We can talk about this tomorrow when I see you." Only it's my turn tomorrow and I don't want to talk about living in filth.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:10 PM
  #6
You are in charge of your therapy SS, if you don't want to discuss something, don't. If you do, that's ok too. You decide, not the T.

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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:10 PM
  #7
It sounds to me like she is concerned because you seem depressed since you haven't bathed in 6 days. But it doesn't sound like she thinks you will hurt yourself. I wouldn't try to read too much into this.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #8
Yes, it sounds like she thinks you and C are in a downward spiral.

I don’t think you’d have to talk about the living in filth. Just the reasons you’re doing so.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:29 PM
  #9
I guess I just don't understand why she said it because if I'm worried about somebody, that's not how I express myself.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:36 PM
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And just to be clear, the filth situation has been taken care of. While my father might say I am living in squalor (that being his pet phrase), I even cleaned the shower before my ablutions.

Now I'm just working myself up to getting dressed so I can take out the recycling. It's piled up so high over the week that the roommate actually told me to take it out today.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:38 PM
  #11
**** if my therapist knew I bathed infrequently (whuch I do) she would say that as well. It usually means you are getting depressed. Did you expect her to do or say something different?
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:46 PM
  #12
I wasn't the one who texted her that. I wouldn't have texted her. She never responds when it's me.

If I was unable to bring myself to shower tomorrow, I was going to wear a hat so she wouldn't be able to tell I hadn't been showering. I didn't smell or anything since it's winter and my roommate has for once not been blasting the heat. So she wouldn't have heard about it from me. Although I guess the ends of my hair would have eventually become greasy. Maybe after the second week.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 10:51 PM
  #13
Another thing the therapist does is pair some of the baffling phrases with "you know" or "I know you know." So like "I know you know that I like you" or "you know that I care about you."

I don't know where she gets these ideas from.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 11:08 PM
  #14
When a therapist says “I’m concerned about you” I think it is to raise your awareness that you may be exhibiting outward signs of not doing well (such as hygiene issues). The “I care” part may be to remind you that it isn’t a criticism just an observation.

For example , even with everyday people, if someone said “I’m concerned about you, you seem very tired” it might raise my awareness enough to be sure that night I got at least 8 hours sleep. I would think “oh crap, others can see I’m not doing well and I want to hide that in a hurry”. People say I am concerned because they genuinely care, or, they think you are not aware of how poorly you are doing OR your downhill slide is having an effect on them. For a therapist, the last one they need to manage on their own but 1 and 2 are valid points.

You may be fully aware of how you are doing but outward appearances can make others worry that you don’t have this self awareness. I am sorry to read that you are struggling.
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Default Jan 13, 2019 at 11:43 PM
  #15
Thanks, growlycat, that does help somewhat. I guess I was just assuming that C texted the therapist about the lack of showers because she is well aware that's a bad thing. I mean, nobody texts anybody else to inform them that they showered today. So maybe C was letting the therapist know something is bad and the therapist is confirming she understands the situation is bad? Or something?
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 12:03 AM
  #16
Maybe your alter is looking out for your welfare, not really tattling on you? I don’t have did so I don’t know what it is like. I’m glad you are reaching out here.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 12:51 AM
  #17
Well, what was C's text? Had to be a reason T would respond like that.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 07:25 AM
  #18
I don't think I've ever had a T say they were concerned, but in my experience outside in the social world, some people use "I am worried about you" as a mechanism of control or manipulation, as in whatever they say they are worried about is the thing they want you to change. After my spouse died one of my friends called and said she'd heard I was having trouble getting out of bed and she was worried about me, for example. I told her that the intel was several weeks old, and it was more that I spent a lot of time sleeping in the weeks afterwards, that was just how my immediate grief rolled out at first. Maybe because I was so exhausted from the 24/7 caretaking at home.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 07:39 AM
  #19
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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Thanks, growlycat, that does help somewhat. I guess I was just assuming that C texted the therapist about the lack of showers because she is well aware that's a bad thing. I mean, nobody texts anybody else to inform them that they showered today. So maybe C was letting the therapist know something is bad and the therapist is confirming she understands the situation is bad? Or something?

Yes, I think that's what's going on, that C realizes she's struggling and was trying to give the T evidence of that. I've done something like that with my T because I think I sometimes come off, whether in email or in person, as doing better than I am. So I've told him things like "I'm having trouble eating--all I ate was x yesterday" or "I only got 4 hours of sleep the past 2 nights" or how much beer I consumed. So then it's like I'm showing him evidence that even though I might come across somewhat OK in session, I'm really not. Sort of like "Please help me."

That being said, I don't think he'd ever say something like "I'm concerned about you." He's said he cared, stuff like that, in a more general sense. But I think for him it might seem to cross the line of a professional relationship and seem more personal. But T's have different ways of communicating--not saying that there was anything inappropriate about what your T said. Just that I think I'd also be really surprised if my T said those words to me.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:11 AM
  #20
LT

Not really too on topic for OP's post but I had to comment that when my dog died and I told him I hadn't eaten in days he was casually like "that's ok" I thought it was weird that he didn't seem concerned by that.... but in general I think T's are concerned for clients in the sense that they want them to feel well and succeed and not do any harm to themselves etc. Wether or not they say it, it's kind of a thing they just have

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