Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

piggy momma · Jan 22, 2019 at 10:06 PM

I wish I could redo our session today. I’d actually make it productive. It’s my fault, not yours.

goatee · Jan 22, 2019 at 10:35 PM

T, I can’t seem to write to you...

Anastasia~ · Jan 22, 2019 at 10:36 PM

Trigger Warning***************************

I find myself struggling at work due to my paranoia. I hate to admit this, but it is unfortunately true. I feel like I am acting abnormally and I think others notice, but I can't be sure. I am finding my mind going to wishing I had an terminal brain tumor to explain my behavior, to allow me to stop working so I can maybe relax, maybe I wouldn't feel so tortured at work. I actually wish that I was normal, but I am clearly not. I can't remember anything and feel confused a lot of the time. I'm really exhausted. I hope things get better, but I can't see that happening at this point. How depressing. . .

LabRat27 · Jan 22, 2019 at 11:33 PM

Possible trigger:

P.S. Thanks, now the next time I do... "that" I'm probably going to remember you bringing it up as a thing that helps some people fall asleep because my brain hates me. Ick. Way to ruin that for me. (Not really, I'll get over it. But that's definitely not a thought I want popping into my head at that time) (no, I'm not actually upset with you about it... but still, ick.)

piggy momma · Jan 22, 2019 at 11:37 PM

I sent you like ten million texts and emails today. Sorry not sorry. But please please consider the one where I ask for longer or more sessions. Please.

annielovesbacon · Jan 23, 2019 at 01:38 AM

I need to see you bad. Like, really really bad.

Lemoncake · Jan 23, 2019 at 06:54 AM

I think you're actually right. Since we made our new contract all I've done is test it from the word go. Now that you've said I can have a second session again- I feel like I don't really want it...

Anne2.0 · Jan 23, 2019 at 08:44 AM

Dear T, I stuck up for myself and my needs for the gig, it was really hard to do because it was asking the others to accommodate me. Learned a lesson about trying to travel by car in the winter where I won't make the same "mistake" again. It felt great to say "I won't do ___" but of course was willing to do something more reasonable. Also, in dealing earlier with not so communicative people, saying politely "I need you to confirm ___" and then waiting for a week before following up to ask for a more precisely defined timeline for the requested information. I think I showed a great deal of restraint combined with clear requests that made everything turn out just fine. It was not so easy, however, to be restrained-- I find over reacting and flying off the handle much more natural

Merope · Jan 23, 2019 at 08:47 AM

I wish you were my dad

Echos Myron redux · Jan 23, 2019 at 08:47 AM

I love you so much. Thank you.

zoiecat · Jan 23, 2019 at 12:10 PM

Thank you for not pushing me to come back for another week yet. Two and a half weeks is a good break and will allow me time to heal a bit both physically and mentally. Please don't push me to sign a one year contract the minute I get back. I don't want to get into an arguement on day one.

circlesincircles · Jan 23, 2019 at 01:03 PM

I don't know if I will ever be able to tell you. The words are there in my mind, but the wall of shame is way too high.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 23, 2019 at 05:38 PM

What if it isn't just the young part that's in love with you? What if the adult is too? It would be my worst nightmare.

blackocean · Jan 23, 2019 at 05:51 PM

I know this is happening now. It’s all adding up, slowly, gradually, a touch here, a look there, a little closer now...
I know you want me to think it’s my idea.
I’m just a game for you to play.
How do you rationalize it, knowing all you know?
How soon until your caring, supportive mask slips off?
Why do I want so much for you to hurt me?
I need to stop this.
This is danger zone.

susannahsays · Jan 23, 2019 at 06:28 PM

I wonder what you thought when I scowled at you today.

I felt mean.

susannahsays · Jan 23, 2019 at 06:29 PM

I feel like a rotten, bad girl. I hate me.

LabRat27 · Jan 23, 2019 at 08:22 PM

I feel so needy and I hate it. I just want you to say more kind and compassionate and validating things so I can feel warm and fuzzy again.

DP_2017 · Jan 23, 2019 at 08:35 PM

That exam was awful and awkward but the relationship we had, it would have been no problem at all casually sharing all about it with you, you would have been so happy I did it, but I'm gonna keep doing things that scare me. Maybe not be as out there and risky as you but I'll try some stuff.

Also I miss you. I hope sometimes you still think about me and HOPE to see me again in 2020.

SummerTime12 · Jan 23, 2019 at 09:21 PM

I feel like a failure. When will my life stop being controlled by my ptsd? Why do flashbacks have to ruin so many aspects of my life? Do I keep going to this class and have flashbacks every time or quit and be a failure? Either way I hate myself because of it. I just want to end it all and I’m too scared to call you because I don’t wanna annoy you.

SummerTime12 · Jan 23, 2019 at 10:02 PM

I regret everything. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to disappear.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

My Support Forums

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 22, 2019 at 10:06 PM #201 I wish I could redo our session today. I’d actually make it productive. It’s my fault, not yours.

goatee Member Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Florida Posts: 322 7 567 hugs given	Jan 22, 2019 at 10:35 PM #202 T, I can’t seem to write to you...

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 22, 2019 at 11:37 PM #205 I sent you like ten million texts and emails today. Sorry not sorry. But please please consider the one where I ask for longer or more sessions. Please.

annielovesbacon Grand Poohbah Member Since Apr 2016 Location: USA Posts: 1,527 8 1,271 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 01:38 AM #206 I need to see you bad. Like, really really bad. __________________ stay afraid, but do it anyway.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,700 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 06:54 AM #207 I think you're actually right. Since we made our new contract all I've done is test it from the word go. Now that you've said I can have a second session again- I feel like I don't really want it... __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

Merope Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2018 Location: Somewhere in a cloud Posts: 719 6 479 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 08:47 AM #209 I wish you were my dad

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,160 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 08:47 AM #210 I love you so much. Thank you.

zoiecat Grand Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: USA Posts: 916 7 409 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 12:10 PM #211 Thank you for not pushing me to come back for another week yet. Two and a half weeks is a good break and will allow me time to heal a bit both physically and mentally. Please don't push me to sign a one year contract the minute I get back. I don't want to get into an arguement on day one.

circlesincircles Member Member Since May 2018 Location: United States Posts: 303 5	Jan 23, 2019 at 01:03 PM #212 I don't know if I will ever be able to tell you. The words are there in my mind, but the wall of shame is way too high.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,160 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 05:38 PM #213 What if it isn't just the young part that's in love with you? What if the adult is too? It would be my worst nightmare.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 06:28 PM #215 I wonder what you thought when I scowled at you today. I felt mean.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 06:29 PM #216 I feel like a rotten, bad girl. I hate me.

LabRat27 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2018 Location: CA Posts: 1,009 6 2,354 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 08:22 PM #217 I feel so needy and I hate it. I just want you to say more kind and compassionate and validating things so I can feel warm and fuzzy again.

SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 09:21 PM #219 I feel like a failure. When will my life stop being controlled by my ptsd? Why do flashbacks have to ruin so many aspects of my life? Do I keep going to this class and have flashbacks every time or quit and be a failure? Either way I hate myself because of it. I just want to end it all and I’m too scared to call you because I don’t wanna annoy you.

SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Jan 23, 2019 at 10:02 PM #220 I regret everything. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to disappear.