Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

LonesomeTonight · Jan 26, 2019 at 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Cipro should work a lot faster than that. Not necessarily to feel 100% better, but I shouldn't have been getting worse. I went to the ER after therapy and got diagnosed with a kidney infection and given IV antibiotics and a prescription for a different antibiotic.

I told T about being sick (I looked and felt like ****) and when he asked I explained. And then he asked me if the UTI was related to "a new relationship" that I hadn't mentioned or something

No, my body just hates me. But I didn't feel like going into an in depth explanation of risk factors on that one for him.

Yikes, glad you were able to get new meds--hope you're feeling better. That's awkward, his asking about the new relationship...When I first had a UTI in college, they said it's often called "honeymoon cystitis" because of how it's often contracted (also awkward!)

piggy momma · Jan 26, 2019 at 03:57 PM

I hate that you can’t be there for me 24/7. I don’t understand why that would be a problem.

susannahsays · 04:21 PM

Uh oh

Shouldn't doubling my lamictal have helped with the mood swings? Why do I suddenly feel terrible? I need some weed or something. I am so anxious. I can't stand this. Why do I feel this way?

Jan 26, 2019 at 07:25 PM

i want you to care for me but i dont want you to care for me. i dont understand this and it is doing my head in.

susannahsays · Jan 26, 2019 at 07:56 PM

I done ****ed up. I feel super ill and it's my own damn fault. Nobody to blame but myself, self compassion be damned. No wonder C says I take it to the next level. She's right, much as I hate to admit it. As soon as I feel better, I'll probably deny that I ever said that. I'll forget how awful I feel at this moment and probably do it again. May this message serve as a reminder to myself that the poison is in fact, poison, and it's not ****ing worth it. I feel too sick to even drink loads of water to flush the stuff out of my system faster. I never learn.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 26, 2019 at 08:13 PM

I love you. Truly.

DP_2017 · Jan 26, 2019 at 08:15 PM

I wonder if you even would care how close I came to ending my life last night? Hmm probably not. I'm just a part of your **** past. Part of the past you want to move away from. Thanks for pretending to care and making me delusional believe you liked me. Of course you didn't, no one does.

susannahsays · Jan 26, 2019 at 09:35 PM

Pay attention to me.

susannahsays · Jan 26, 2019 at 09:41 PM

How about we reschedule for right now.

LabRat27 · Jan 27, 2019 at 02:44 AM

Possible trigger:

I have conflicting feelings about having told you that I didn't usually tell you if I self harmed. I was telling you that for the insurance company stuff, not because I was asking you to ask me every time.
I feel weirdly guilty when you ask me. Like I was somehow being attention seeking or manipulative in telling you and not saying no when you asked about asking me. I feel guilty when I don't hide it.
It also makes me less likely to SH over something you said. Which you'd probably think was a good thing, but it's for the wrong reasons. I don't want you to be constantly worried that you're going to say something that will make me SH. Or decide you can't work with me (again) if I'm regularly SHing over stuff you say, no matter how mild the SH. To be completely honest I also don't want to acknowledge how much I care. I usually end up telling you if you've upset me, but I don't like admitting how much it matters to me.

I also hate that once you found out that I wouldn't tell you unless you asked that you wanted to start asking every time. I hate that you actually remember every time even though I often forget (do you have a reminder written down in my file or something?). I hate that I want to feel like you care. Fair warning, if you ever forget to ask and I realize that you didn't ask, it's probably going to result in SH because I'll decide that you don't care and it doesn't matter to you.

LabRat27 · Jan 27, 2019 at 04:16 AM

I think we need to talk air the ER thing.
And I think this time I need some kind of emotional reaction from you.
6 months ago I needed you to not show any personal emotional reaction so that I could allow myself to be angry and express that anger.
Internalizing shame for having hurt was my response when it was happening, but unlike with my mother, I actually trust you to be able to handle your emotions and didn't feel the need to protect you.
That being said, I didn't want to make you feel guilty either. And I didn't want to seem like I was trying to make you feel guilty.

But if you did have any kind of personal emotional reaction to it, I think it would be helpful for me to know. Part of it is that if you felt bad you're less likely to do it again.
But I also want to know if you care enough for it to matter personally. For you to have an emotional reaction beyond empathy, one that's about you, not me.
I've been vague about the specifics, but I think you have to at least have some idea how bad it got from the things I've mentioned.
If just hearing me say cruel things about myself "hurts to hear" and you have a "visceral reaction" to it, then what about finding out how severe the SH got?
You said you'd find it upsetting to sit there and watch me SH. Is this different because you didn't have to see it firsthand?

junkDNA · Jan 27, 2019 at 06:37 AM

TRIGGER!!!!
.
.
.
.
.

PostSecret
Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

zoiecat · Jan 27, 2019 at 10:08 AM

JunkDNA...I have many similar thoughts.

winterblues17 · Jan 27, 2019 at 10:44 AM

The longest I gone without communication!!! I really really wanna see u!

piggy momma · Jan 27, 2019 at 10:45 AM

I hate that I’m nothing but an hour in your week. I want to be so much more.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 27, 2019 at 12:26 PM

If I still feel like this tonight I will email you.

LonesomeTonight · 06:28 PM

Dear T,
Got nervous seeing the text from you, but glad you just had to shift the time, not cancel entirely. And that explains why I was having a weird feeling about tomorrow's session happening as planned.

Love,
LT

ETA: Though I have to say, the fact that you ask me to change my time on average about once a month kinda bothers me. But I doubt it's worth bringing up. It's not like you're canceling entirely, and you know that I generally have a flexible schedule (slightly less flexible tomorrow though, so glad you had a morning option and not just the late afternoon ones).

susannahsays · Jan 27, 2019 at 04:25 PM

I think maybe I killed C.

Lemoncake · Jan 27, 2019 at 04:28 PM

My youngest sister Y let me read her diary. Stuff about not wanting to live and about being sad. She got an interview at one of the grammar schools she applied to. She asked if I would go with her - obviously it happens to be on Tuesday, so I've emailed asking if I can change the session that I've desperately been waiting and counting down to. There's an ache in my heart that's shaped like you and It's been worse lately. I want you and nobody else.

Waterloo12345 · Jan 27, 2019 at 04:44 PM

Why have you bloody well stopped acknowledging my emails? Why at all and why now when I'm dealing with break in contact with doc? How can this possibly be a good idea? Especially since we've not talked about it and I'm pretty sure our last conversation left the status quo unchanged. Wtfffff

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

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piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 03:57 PM #282 I hate that you can’t be there for me 24/7. I don’t understand why that would be a problem.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 03:59 PM #283 Uh oh Shouldn't doubling my lamictal have helped with the mood swings? Why do I suddenly feel terrible? I need some weed or something. I am so anxious. I can't stand this. Why do I feel this way? Last edited by susannahsays; Jan 26, 2019 at 04:21 PM..

Anonymous42961 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 26, 2019 at 07:25 PM #284 i want you to care for me but i dont want you to care for me. i dont understand this and it is doing my head in.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 08:13 PM #286 I love you. Truly.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 08:15 PM #287 I wonder if you even would care how close I came to ending my life last night? Hmm probably not. I'm just a part of your **** past. Part of the past you want to move away from. Thanks for pretending to care and making me delusional believe you liked me. Of course you didn't, no one does. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 09:35 PM #288 Pay attention to me.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 26, 2019 at 09:41 PM #289 How about we reschedule for right now.

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 06:37 AM #292 TRIGGER!!!! . . . . . PostSecret __________________

zoiecat Grand Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: USA Posts: 916 7 409 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 10:08 AM #293 JunkDNA...I have many similar thoughts.

winterblues17 Member Member Since Nov 2017 Location: UK Posts: 379 6 62 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 10:44 AM #294 The longest I gone without communication!!! I really really wanna see u!

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 10:45 AM #295 I hate that I’m nothing but an hour in your week. I want to be so much more.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 12:26 PM #296 If I still feel like this tonight I will email you.

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 04:25 PM #298 I think maybe I killed C.

Waterloo12345 Member Member Since Sep 2018 Location: Uk Posts: 424 5 250 hugs given	Jan 27, 2019 at 04:44 PM #300 Why have you bloody well stopped acknowledging my emails? Why at all and why now when I'm dealing with break in contact with doc? How can this possibly be a good idea? Especially since we've not talked about it and I'm pretty sure our last conversation left the status quo unchanged. Wtfffff