Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

LonesomeTonight · 06:12 PM

Dear T,
I think this is bringing up some childhood stuff maybe? Sigh. Though...maybe a good thing to explore? Maybe?

LT

ETA: Like, I can be needy to a certain level, but beyond that, it's not so OK. I have to be exactly the right level of needy.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 30, 2019 at 06:38 PM

Dear T,
Guess I'll be seeing you on my birthday after all...
Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Jan 30, 2019 at 11:26 PM

Dear T,
"I hope you have a peaceful night" means a lot to me. Because you could have just said "time confirmed" or "see you at 1:30." But you didn't.
Love,
LT

LabRat27 · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:21 AM

A labmate managed to say some of the most triggering stuff possible. Like it hit way too close to home and reinforced a lot of my doubts and invalidation of my own feelings. He was discussing his brother, but his comments about his brother were the things I tell myself, albeit in a much crueler way.
But talking about it would probably mean referencing the T word, because him using it was part of the conversation.
I still don't know if you think it applies.
I don't want you to tell me it doesn't apply.

goatee · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:31 AM

T, I’m exhausted...

RaineD · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:45 AM

I miss you. Sometimes the thought that you're gone still hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I still can't believe it. Wish you were here...

piggy momma · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:58 AM

I liked that little chat we had after class tonight, and I’m glad you want to start getting into deeper stuff. I do too, but the thing is, I don’t know how. So you’re gonna have to dig, and I give you full permission to dig as much as needed. I’m good with it.

Lemoncake · Jan 31, 2019 at 08:22 AM

Hey T,

I secretly hoped that when I sat on your carpet on the floor that you'd sit down with me too and you hold my hand.

You offered me the 9.30am slot for tomorrow morning, but it would just be hard to explain my absence- but I wish I could just stay with you.

Possible trigger:

My little sister is tough as old boots, she wouldn't cry like me but he did upset her first thing in the morning by calling her names and swearing at her. Is it any wonder that she writes she doesn't want to live? And that made me cry- they deserve so much better.

DP_2017 · Jan 31, 2019 at 08:25 AM

I wish I could have one of your warm hugs right now. God I miss them.

Lrad123 · Jan 31, 2019 at 10:06 AM

Thanks. Feeling confused and embarrassed about whatever is going on and the fact that I like it. For now, thanks.

susannahsays · Jan 31, 2019 at 10:58 AM

I feel uneasy about the fact that I have been more open about my feelings lately. I don't know about this whole "progress" thing. Maybe it is all a trick. I am also slightly alarmed that it has crossed my mind to talk to you about how I think maybe I am being tricked. Seems unwise to tell you because that might just make me more vulnerable to psychological manipulation. Maybe I should play dumb. I just don't know. I am so confused and I feel like I can't trust anybody.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:06 PM

The gutwrench of realising that they knew what they were doing. The intention to harm is obvious now, even if it wasn't at the time...and wouldn't have been, because I was in survival mode at that point too.

SlumberKitty · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:08 PM

Dear T: I wish I could talk to you and have you really understand me and what I am going through. Kit

SlumberKitty · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:09 PM

Dear Former T: I wish I could talk to you like I used to be able to do. I wish I could see you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could spend an hour with you (or more). I wish I could just be around you even if it meant being in the corner being quiet while you went about your day. I miss you! Love you, Kit

ChickenNoodleSoup · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:16 PM

I'm high, drunk and ate way too much already and it's not even dinner time. You're gonna hate me tomorrow.

blackocean · Jan 31, 2019 at 01:32 PM

Are you saying that my abuse was my fault?

Lemoncake · Jan 31, 2019 at 03:25 PM

I wonder if you did start that series on Netflix I told you about.

toomanycats · Jan 31, 2019 at 03:42 PM

Possible trigger:

I'm going to SI now. For the first time in a year and a half. I told you I was at that point, and you still just let things dissolve into silence and left me alone with it. You are my last hope, and if you've got nothing to say, no way to help, then I am hopeless. And this is the only way I have right now to survive. I'll be fine. It's stupid. See you Monday.

toomanycats · Jan 31, 2019 at 06:03 PM

what I actually sent...

I wasn't ok when I left.
Did you know that?
I need you to know that.
I wanted you to know it without my telling you; maybe you did. I hope you did.
I hope your silence at the end was just you not knowing what to say (was it?).
But I am angry at you for the silence.
It's painful enough having to be alone with everything when I'm at home, but being alone with it in your office is worse.
And that's what being trapped in silence makes me feel: alone.
I overstayed because I didn't feel safe to leave, and I still didn't feel safe to leave when I got up and left.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 31, 2019 at 07:41 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session and the birthday wishes. I feel better about things now. Not like "woo, awesome!" but better than before. And I felt caring from you. Like you said, this was probably an important conversation for us to have.
Love,
LT

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,755 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jan 30, 2019 at 05:36 PM #361 Dear T, I think this is bringing up some childhood stuff maybe? Sigh. Though...maybe a good thing to explore? Maybe? LT ETA: Like, I can be needy to a certain level, but beyond that, it's not so OK. I have to be exactly the right level of needy. Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Jan 30, 2019 at 06:12 PM..

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,755 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jan 30, 2019 at 06:38 PM #362 Dear T, Guess I'll be seeing you on my birthday after all... Love, LT

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,755 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jan 30, 2019 at 11:26 PM #363 Dear T, "I hope you have a peaceful night" means a lot to me. Because you could have just said "time confirmed" or "see you at 1:30." But you didn't. Love, LT

goatee Member Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Florida Posts: 322 7 567 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:31 AM #365 T, I’m exhausted...

RaineD Grand Member Member Since Aug 2017 Location: United States Posts: 950 6 962 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:45 AM #366 I miss you. Sometimes the thought that you're gone still hits me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I still can't believe it. Wish you were here...

piggy momma Poohbah Member Since Oct 2018 Location: Canada Posts: 1,073 5 70 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:58 AM #367 I liked that little chat we had after class tonight, and I’m glad you want to start getting into deeper stuff. I do too, but the thing is, I don’t know how. So you’re gonna have to dig, and I give you full permission to dig as much as needed. I’m good with it.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,412 6 665 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 08:25 AM #369 I wish I could have one of your warm hugs right now. God I miss them. __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

Lrad123 Poohbah Member Since Nov 2017 Location: United States Posts: 1,332 6 372 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 10:06 AM #370 Thanks. Feeling confused and embarrassed about whatever is going on and the fact that I like it. For now, thanks.

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:08 PM #373 Dear T: I wish I could talk to you and have you really understand me and what I am going through. Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:09 PM #374 Dear Former T: I wish I could talk to you like I used to be able to do. I wish I could see you. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could spend an hour with you (or more). I wish I could just be around you even if it meant being in the corner being quiet while you went about your day. I miss you! Love you, Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

ChickenNoodleSoup Grand Poohbah Member Since Apr 2017 Location: In a land far far away Posts: 1,575 7 1,305 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:16 PM #375 I'm high, drunk and ate way too much already and it's not even dinner time. You're gonna hate me tomorrow.

blackocean Member Member Since Aug 2018 Location: USA Posts: 244 5 28 hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 01:32 PM #376 Are you saying that my abuse was my fault?

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 03:25 PM #377 I wonder if you did start that series on Netflix I told you about. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,755 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jan 31, 2019 at 07:41 PM #380 Dear T, Thanks for today's session and the birthday wishes. I feel better about things now. Not like "woo, awesome!" but better than before. And I felt caring from you. Like you said, this was probably an important conversation for us to have. Love, LT