Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

I'm not too sure about this. You want so badly for me to feel things and feel human. I tried to tell you that I'm detached for a very good reason. I have never been treated like a human and I don't see that changing. So if you keep trying to help me learn how to feel, I'm going to feel all of the loneliness and the fact that I will always be on the outside looking in. I will never belong. I think you're being naive.

Your lack of response leads me to think several things.

1. I should not have sent that email.
2. In said email, I said something that offended you.
3. Have you come down with the lurgy, meaning that we won't meet tomorrow?

Dear T: thanks for calling to remind me of my appointment. For some reason, just that alone made me feel better. See you Friday. Kit

Why you haven’t answered, T?? Please write me back....

I couldn't help but notice you rubbed your stomach like a pregnant lady often does. Just what I need in one year a death, brain surgery (with a cancer scare), and a pregnancy. Sigh!!

I know you could rub your stomach for a number of reasons.

I hate myself with a passion. I am just done.

Dear T,
I am going to tell you who I am and if you don't believe me, that is on you. (you mentioned intense feelings I had, and I'm not sure exactly what you meant). I do not have romantic transference for you. I do not pine for you to hold me, I do not dream that you are my husband. I do NOT text you for the purpose of taking time from your wife. I have no animosity going on.

Thank you for openly addressing this today. You said I could text you. You made things seem like normal, but nothing is normal, is it? This isn't right. I don't care anymore, do whatever you want.

I really need to talk to someone. I don't know what is going on, just that maybe I am paranoid. I don't really want to go through this again, but apparently it's not a choice. Whatever. I'm worth NOTHING. NOTHING. I hope I just fade away.

Dear T,

I want to be honest with you about something but don't feel like I can be. Please convince me to be honest, I don't want to lie.

-Butterfly

Trigger warning














I keep writing as if it makes me feel better, but it doesn't. You said I had an appt. next Wed. Am I sensing something real? I really don't matter. Only good people matter. There is nothing here. I would rather hear you tell me you hate me and why. I would rather

This agony would be cut in half if you would have told me what was going to happen. Just tell me you are terminating me. I ****ing hate hope, it makes things that are going to go downhill even worse. I feel so alone.


I don't get this. I don't even know if things are okay, but my god, I can't call you every second to see. I don't understand what is happening to me. maybe i am just too horrible for people.


I am not going through this pain. Why don't they have euthenasia for the mentally ill. Or at least me. Isn't it worse to keep me alive? I don't even want to be on Earth.

How long am I supposed to suffer because someone has lost their mind and the people around him are so mesmerized by his charm, they can't admit it?

HOW LONG Miserable low-life???

Hi, I'm lucky I met you.

Dear T,

I'm in a tiny bit of awe about observing what happens when I am open about the real stuff, and the stuff that's been on my mind for a couple of days. I can't even describe the way you can tie things together in such subtle ways, reminding of who I am and what my struggles are. That is the sense of being seen and heard that is vulnerable and safe at the same time. Thank you.

I guess what I'm asking is why don't you take better care of me?

Hmmm can I sit with this for 5 whole days?

Dear T:

I am not sure I will ever tell you this, as compliments are not so much my thing and I think you have enough internal satisfaction from your work that you don't need external reinforcement, including from me.

But I find myself appreciative today of the role of therapy in my life. I am glad I had a brief round of therapy when I was first in college, exploring who I might be outside my family. And I'm glad that the hard work in my early 30's on the trauma itself and intimate relationships paid off with healthier friendships, work collaborations, and a marriage. I'm glad to have had the experience of having to leave a therapist and finding another one, increasing my confidence that I am the leader of my own life. I'm glad to have had the experience of leaving group therapy, and then finding a wonderful support group that showed me how loving people can be. I'm glad I had the experience of finishing therapy and not imagining going back. I'm glad I did not have therapy for fifteen years.

Most of all, I'm glad I went back almost a decade ago, and continued with you even though I doubted you were right for me. I was very wrong about that, and if it hadn't been so uniquely convenient, I would have looked for somebody else.

And this nearly decade-old relationship, three times as long as my first collective round, there is just a particular kind of pleasure in seeing my life open up in front of me. Whatever you do in that space to make it feel like anything is possible, that I feel like I am constantly shedding that old skin and moving forward. Thank you, so very much for it all, and for arriving in this place where I could look back at it all.

I'm so done

Dear T,
I'm only seeing you an hour later than normal today, but for some reason, it feels like eternity waiting for the session. Doesn't help that I feel completely unmotivated to do work, even though I need to in case schools are closed tomorrow. See you...eventually.

Love,
LT

I'm seeing u this afternoon. so yah

When I asked if you had time for a phone call, I meant now, not in 6 hours... unless I’m still having a panic attack then? But I can’t tell you what I meant now or I’ll look extra needy