Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Dear T: Feeling like I know where I'm going even though I can't seem to point myself in the right direction. I do know what I'm not going to do, though. That helps.

My phone is stupid it pulled up my previous acct again. I can't seem to delete it.

Dear T. See you tonight. Are you ready for me? Kit

Dear T: but that wouldn't solve anything. I just feel it, in my body, and I want to let it out. Probably should talk to you about that. You might think I'm nuts. Kit

I am insane. This is so disturbing to me. I am so afraid. I am terrified because I am insane. I am working on getting my H to understand and I think he is starting to understand for now. I literally thought my T was going to terminate me after last session, even though he has done everything he can to help. I feel so bad. I am trying to work through the idiotic, stupid, nonsensical **** going through my head. I just want to give up on myself. I'm just too tired. And too crazy.

I ended up telling H how I was having paranoid thoughts all over the board and I was perceiving things that weren't true. H got home today and he bought me my favorite chicken salad and such. I am so glad that he understood, I told him what I feared and it isn't true. I really feel so grounded. I hope I am emerging out of this bad run of mental illness. It is really strange when I feel so calm, it is so serene. I'm not sure but I hope I'm at a turning point now.

The end comes too soon.
It's like dreaming of angels...
and leaving without them.

4 more hours until my appointment. Kit

That's beautiful, and sad.

One day to go. Oddly looking forward to your reminder text, I never need them I don’t know why I asked for one.

T-

This may be the end for us. Your silence since Wednesday seems so callous and uncalled for. You have a client whose appointment was messed up again. Understandably not happy, and have reached out to you multiple times. And nothing. That is disappointing and ridiculous. I know you will say, sorry I was too busy to reply. Or perhaps you haven’t even read it? Which is still ridiculous. In any case, the wall has gone up. And I can see myself walking away from you and therapy now. Not how I imagined the end would be.

Healed

I just checked and the next session is Tuesday. I'd been hoping it would be Monday. I'm glad we're switching to regular timeslots after this.
I'm making good choices I guess. Sometimes I actually have a hard time telling you about the times I used "healthy coping skills" because it feels embarrassing and I don't want to get your hopes up. I know you'd be glad, but it still feels stupid.
Do you finally understand how realizing how ****ed up it was that I felt that way as a child is a first step towards letting myself feel differently about the present? You kept trying to focus on how I feel about myself now. One step at a time. Seeing where they came from helps me challenge them in the present. It gives me an alternative explanation. A different hypothesis/model.
Let me figure out how to have compassion for that child first. There are moments when I can, and that's progress.
And help me with that, please. Yes, I know you've expressed some opinions and been validating and all that, but those feelings don't last. I've been telling myself the opposite constantly for more than a decade. So I think I need to hear it over and over again.

well thank you for coming to see me on your day off....

I felt that I wasted your time though

I realize it's not easy to admit you were wrong but sometimes denying it just makes you look more foolish. Sorry. Somebody had to tell you.

Maybe I am expecting too much.

This is not good. I feel paralyzed. I can't seem to make myself move.

T,
I get that me going twice a week overwhelmed me, but not at the time. I appreciate you seeing me twice while I felt I needed it. However, I think that you are right, that going to once a week is the best option. Thank you for offering me the extra Tuesday anyway, it helped me make the choice to go once a week. I wish I had realized this before. I feel horrible that I let myself get so bad. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't.

does pallative care exist for mental illnesses? lol

I feel like it's gonna take me.