Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

T,
I told you about the one set of scores where I did well. On another test, I was told that my scores weren't good. Then she proceeded to critique what I was doing. It's like my competent part vs. my incompetent part is playing out in real life. I both did really well, and at the same time, I didn't do well so I am doing something wrong. I've also been known to attribute mediocrity to describe who I am. Who am I? I am perpetually confused. I know that I have done good things and been successful at times, but at this time I am unable to tolerate the ambivalence of my disparate parts. And add my annoying connections, all this is just sending me over the edge. My depression/anxiety/insanity which causes me to be totally disorganized aren't helping. Nor is my lack of motivation. I don't want to be me.
not me

*attacks u*

I'm too tired to keep saving myself from being swept out into a sea of nothingness. You keep asking me what I need. My needs have never mattered before. So what do I need now? I need a hand, other than my own, to pull me into a place where I am innocently and purely loved by other people than myself. A place where I belong and can be fully human and accepted. A place at the table. Where I can eat real human food and peer into loving faces and know they won't decide to abandon me tomorrow or kick me back outside. So my needs don't really matter now do they? Because they will never be filled. The funny thing is, I know these are basic human needs, just nobody wants to give them to me. I bet you'd be sorry you asked if I told you this.

Debating if I should tell you that I was looking through psychology today partially to help a coworker finger the name and number of a few Ts in your area. Initially I put in her criteria one of which was a female and you didn't pop up. After the fact curiosity got me wondering of you took your profile down. You still didnt pop up but then I took out the gender part and you popped up. So anybody who is specifically looking for a female will not see you.

help me t. what should i do?

T,

I think this may be the end for us. The only thing I struggle with is actually having a final appointment. Right now I just want to screw you over and just not show up. I really want to do that. But- will I ever find closure if I just stop coming without even one final session? Idk- I want you to know how much I have been hurt by the happenings of the last week and your lack of any response. But I feel like if I just don’t show up.. that will say it loud enough. I am so disappointed.

Healed

it actually wasn't even hard not to email you this weekend.
Are we going back to the trauma work tomorrow? ....

An hour and a half to go.

thanks. sorry i bothered you so much this weekend.

I don't really think you do understand at all.

It doesn't help that I can see when your also online.

ughhhhhhhhh

Some are so lucky to still have their T in their lives, not me. Why did you blow us off? Why did we all become unimportant to you? How can answering phones be better than the relationships you formed with clients?

I feel like screaming and never stopping

Dear T,

I want to try coming every other week, but I don't want to schedule it that way because my travel will probably make it every three or four weeks. I want to say, I think I can do with less therapy, that even the pressing issues feel a lot less pressing than they used to. Much of it I think is the lingering loneliness of my loss and even though it feels there is distance from the grief, at the heart of it is a desire for more connection in my life and therapy is a part of it, but perhaps it "shouldn't" be.

This has come to the front of my mind after an incredible conversation with the leader involved in a potential gig. I need more fellow travelers in my life from my social justice bent, working towards something collective that is more meaningful than just what I can on my own. I need people around with a certain world viewpoint, who care about the justice issues I do, who focus on making the world a better place. And it's great that you are one of these people and your compassion and understanding about what I do and how I try to help the people who get screwed has carried me forward during these past years more than I can possibly say, but I don't know that is what my therapy should be about, even if partly.

I cried the whole of thursday to today.

I asked for a earlier session- you spelt my name wrong in your sorry 😐 no can do email.

I challenge you and the others to LOOK, LOOK at their own lives before judging me and MY relationships!! LOOK at yourselves. Hypocrites!!

Those who did the most damage to me have not led pristine lives, far from it. Yet, someone allowed judgment over me. Cruel.

New exam date: 12th feb.

21 days, 14 hours, 35 mins and 28 seconds.

Stress levels at an all time high, I'm actually ready to punch anyone in front of me! Think I should stay in my room before I lost it!

Surprisingly I'm back to feeling okay, just tired more than anything.

See you tomorrow,

S

22 hours, 22 minutes and 59 seconds