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blackocean
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 12:53 PM
  #161
I’m nervous to see you.
What do you want from me?
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 01:33 PM
  #162
Dear T. I'm starting to feel like I need you. Which is a bad thing. And what the heck are you trying to accomplish with the eye movement stuff? I wish you would explain more. As Ricky Ricardo would say, "Lucy! You have some 'splaining to do!" You ask me questions that I don't have answers to. Do I even know what I'm trying to work towards? Kit
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 04:31 PM
  #163
ur so kind and good to me

you've gone way beyond the call of duty for me

and I still treat you like trash

making you bear witness to my tragic life

seems sadistic on my end

but I guess it makes things feel less pointless

like at least you know. you saw me and you heard me. and you sat with me thru it all. you were the only one

and its never enough. it will never be enough

I know and you know... nothing will EVER fill the void in me

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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 04:37 PM
  #164
Dear T,
Sorry, I know you probably didn't say you have faith in me because you don't believe this will work and want to be honest with me. Or else maybe you'll say that in saying you support me in what I'm doing, it does mean you have faith (even though to me, those are different things...). I also think maybe I felt invalidated by what you said earlier in session, when I said I felt I had this big breakthrough in being emotionally open with you last session after being more closed off the past month, but you disagreed with that, saying you thought I had been emotional. So I didn't know what to say to that. And we spent more time on one or two topics than I'd intended to and should have focused on other things more. I sort of wish I could have a session do-over and start with the thing I ended with, then maybe I could have realized the "lack of faith in me" issue in real time instead of right after I walked out and discussed it then. Or maybe not, I dunno. Sigh.
LT
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 04:59 PM
  #165
Dear T,
Thanks for the supportive response. It means a lot to me that you do believe in me.
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #166
Dear T,
I am so attached to you that I am so afraid that it is going to be excruciating even going back to one day a week. With my last T, who was nowhere as good as you, it was excruciating. You have been so much more wonderful, and I am wondering if that is going to make it even more difficult to detach whenever the time arrives. I'm not ready yet, but I do think that I need to stop texting you to see if we are okay. You have told me enough that I should have realized we are okay. I am so afraid, I can't go through that painful process of detaching. I don't want to drown you with my attachment. I don't want to have a need to keep texting you, but I do. I feel so awful because I must be. I must be horrible because I sometimes act horrible. I am at a loss. I am in agony now and I just don't know what to do. I thought about texting you, but I don't want to do that. I am so sorry, I just don't ever want to be that me again. Ever.

In thinking about it, I've lost my Mom, Dad, Grandmother, and Stepfather due to illness/death. I've also lost a sister and her kids. And of course, being terminated by my last therapist. I just can't stop crying. I am not ready to terminate now. I know you haven't said anything of the such, but just me going back to once a week and me not wanting to bother you texting is enough to trigger all of this. I don't know if the seven year mark (when I was terminated with previous T) is on my mind even though it is a bit away. I don't even know it this is all on my mind, I just don't know anything.

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Last edited by Anastasia~; Jan 21, 2019 at 07:09 PM..
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 07:04 PM
  #167
I'm a shell of a person. I can never be nothing more than that. Just let me go.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #168
Dear T: I need you to help me. Kit
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 08:27 PM
  #169
Dear T,
I wish you could write the first two words of your email "Have hope" on an index card for me to look at when I need to see it. I suppose I could ask for that? Or...maybe I could just write it for myself? Yes, that's probably what I should actually do.
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 09:09 PM
  #170
t--tomorrow night can't get here quick enough. i don't know why i still feel so $hitty after telling my boss today.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 10:16 PM
  #171
I just texted you, but I’ll tell you again - I’m super excited to see you tomorrow. Even tho I don’t really have anything to talk about this week. I hope you can come up with something for us.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 11:06 PM
  #172
I'm sad. I've been terrible about taking my meds and rediscovering for the millionth time that I'm on them for good reason.
Maybe I'll feel less sad and vulnerable once I've slept. I really don't like you seeing me being this weak and pathetic, especially when it's my own fault because someone I can't manage to consistently take the few pills a day that help keep me from letting my life fall apart.
You'd be disappointed in me. I should know better.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 11:41 PM
  #173
Dear Info,

It’s bad. It’s just really bad right now.

ATAT
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 12:44 AM
  #174
Thank you for everything. I never could have done any of this without you. I know you told me not to attribute all of my successes to you, but none of this seems possible without you.

I know you still look out for me. I just wish I could talk to you. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss hugging you. I miss the way you'd press your lips into a thin line and glance to the side when you're angry or frustrated. I miss the way you yelled at me. I just . . . miss you.

Promise me one day I'll see you again.
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 01:04 AM
  #175
I wish my love could have saved you.

You know I would have died for you, right?
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 01:29 AM
  #176
While I was meditating, I had a mental image of going to see your office mate. That has not occurred to me. Is that what I should do?
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 02:39 AM
  #177
I've put up with your gaslighting long enough. I should add that I'm also sick of the other one's you've trained to gaslight me in your absence. Sick, SICK, SICK!!!

I'm telling you this even though I know you are a full blown narcissist and could care less. Sometimes I feel sorry for you and the others you've brainwashed into your way of thinking. You've spent a great deal of time trying to control me and I guess you are really upset that it hasn't worked. Narcissists are upset when they don't get their way. When they lose the admiration and respect they once had. It must be hard on you.

I warned you. I told you, you would never win my soul. Never!! You and your goons can go fly a kite.
 
 
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 04:05 AM
  #178
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Dear T,
I wish you could write the first two words of your email "Have hope" on an index card for me to look at when I need to see it. I suppose I could ask for that? Or...maybe I could just write it for myself? Yes, that's probably what I should actually do.
Love,
LT

No harm in asking, LT.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
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Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:02 AM
  #179
4 hours, 59 minutes and 52 seconds.

I don't feel well and I am no Hercules.

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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 10:13 AM
  #180
You let me down, you will never know how much. I don't think I did till today.. I actually think I hate you for the trust you built in me! In fact I hate everything and everyone!
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