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Lemoncake
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 04:06 AM
  #1
Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small...post it here.

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"Love, like life, flows
Through the heart.
Feel the thrill of the flow
And say nothing."

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Lemoncake
Luna's offical mini me.
 
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Lemoncake Adult female human
 
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 04:10 AM
  #2
1 day, 6 hours, 50 minutes and 31 seconds...

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And say nothing."

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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 04:26 AM
  #3
I couldn't say what I wanted about tomorrow on Thursday, so I'm hoping you will respond to my email.

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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 05:33 AM
  #4
I despise myself. I feel like I need to focus on myself and take some time off. I don't know what is wrong with me, but something is. I feel like a horrible person. I think I have a horrible part, but I might just be all horrible.

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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:37 AM
  #5
Dear T,
Yay, glad you'll still be in today, despite the snow. Partly to see you but also partly to have an excuse to escape from the house for a couple hours.
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:42 AM
  #6
I'm upset at you for not responding again after your quick email yesterday.
I half don't want to come in today. I can't do this work.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 09:19 AM
  #7
I miss you.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 10:05 AM
  #8
I’m pretty sure you hate me and are going to fire me tomorrrow, which is why I wanted to cancel my appt.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #9
I hope you've gotten around to your laundry in the last month, I know you love to forget and have huge piles lol

One day when it doesn't hurt so much I'll read our old texts. I loved our random laundry convos

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Lemoncake
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 12:06 PM
  #10
I was on your website. It does look much better, but I don't like the way you've written it.

Venerable automatically makes me think of venereal.

"I want you to want to see me."

"continues to surround himself with people of excellence." = so me basically?!

I wonder what your paper is about though. Maybe I'll ask you tomorrow?

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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 12:31 PM
  #11
I really don't want to get out of bed. I need to leave for class in an hour. I'm letting myself pay for parking, even though I shouldn't waste the money. I just can't face catching the bus today. Besides, I think riding the bus might make me late for our appointment later. But there won't be that excuse on Wednesday.

I hate riding the bus so very much.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #12
Dear Former T: thanks for emailing me back. It really didn't help though. I mean it was good to hear from you and to know you are okay, but it just didn't help. Hopefully I will remember that for the future. I see new T on Friday. Stuff to talk about for sure but not sure I will be able to. The trust factor is not there yet, y'know?! I wish hearing from you would have helped this deep pain that I'm in from not seeing you. I wish something would help. Kit
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 02:02 PM
  #13
Dear T,
That wasn’t the direction I expected things to go in today, but that was an astute observation at how I react whenever that topic comes up. So it’s good we talked about it. And I think we’ll need to continue talking about it. Also, I seem to have hit the point where I can just talk about sex-related stuff with you without a hint of embarrassment. Well, ok, maybe when you asked me that question about the concert...but that was my fault for how I worded it!
But thanks for being accepting about the main topic. And trying to help me stop beating myself up about the mistake I made 3 years ago.
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 02:44 PM
  #14
Yes, my trauma matters to me. The voice tells me that it doesn't matter to anyone else, and that it's shameful of me to want it to matter to anyone else. But, I do. I want it to matter to you. So, thank you for telling me that it does. I will try really hard to hold onto that and not slip into doubting it.

It's just hard knowing you've heard a million of these stories. I cried about it last night. Wishing either that you were my dad (because, if you were my dad, it'd be different...I wouldn't just be one of a thousand clients throughout the years. I'd be your daughter.) or that I could've told my dad what happened. But I couldn't. It's not their fault - they had no idea what'd happened & they were doing the right thing - but them holding that "we discovered you were going to meet men from the internet" intervention just came at the worst possible time and made it impossible for me to tell them what had happened. Not that I would've told them anyways. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.

But, I wish we did. I wish I felt comfortable enough to be truly open with them. I wish I felt like they actually wanted to know what had happened. I would want to know if it were my daughter. But, whenever I've brought it up, I just get awkward looks and awkward silence. I have always, always gotten the strong feeling that they prefer not to know about any of the things I'm in therapy for. And I have genuinely tried to bring it up multiple times. (And I feel a lot of shame over that too. That it's shameful for me to have tried to talk about it with anyone I wasn't paying to help with it.)
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 03:18 PM
  #15
Well so much with me being fine with missing you. It's hit me like a brick wall today.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 05:16 PM
  #16
Dear T,
Sorry for email, just struggling. Maybe I should have let more emotion out in session...maybe you/we intellectualized it all too much? I don't know...I think it's just a topic worthy of multiple sessions, so we just dredged it up today. And can continue conversation Thursday...then Monday if needed. I think what I really want to know is...do you judge me for what I did? But I don't get the sense that you do. And I know, even if you did, it doesn't matter. But still part of me wants to know. And...have you ever done what I did? Or at least thought about it? Or has someone else done it to you?

Love,
LT
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:27 PM
  #17
Dear T,
Sorry, just want you to understand where my brain goes...I know you likely won't say anything until the morning, it's OK. I respect your boundaries.

Love,
LT
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #18
i highly doubt your T is judging you. as he's said before, you judge yourself entirely too harshly as it is
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #19
hey t. tomorrow's session should be interesting since i've decided to play hooky. i kinda never want to go back to work ever.
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 09:01 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003 View Post
i highly doubt your T is judging you. as he's said before, you judge yourself entirely too harshly as it is

Oh, I definitely judge myself too much--more than anyway else could ever do.
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