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Lrad123
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 09:52 AM
  #41
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Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
To me this seems like the key, in addition to him reinforcing that he's always been willing to read your emails. And you have tolerated the emotions, because your head has not imploded, or at least I assume so given your ability to clearly write a post.

I'm glad you will be able to start 2/week, and I hope it is helps. I think it will.
Yes, the funny thing is that I think I routinely tolerate lots of difficult emotions without “imploding” but this particular instance is just so tough. The anxiety between session can get to be like nothing I’m familiar with and I feel like it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.

My therapist said that he thinks I need “someone to push up against” which is strange because I think of myself as a fully functioning adult. As a kid, though, I was exceptionally well-behaved and good and had minimal needs, so maybe this is what’s showing up in therapy. Although of course I’d like him to reply to my emails, I feel strangely comforted by his saying no, explaining it kindly, and still being there. I guess it makes me feel “held” in a way.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #42
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Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
Yes, the funny thing is that I think I routinely tolerate lots of difficult emotions without “imploding” but this particular instance is just so tough. The anxiety between session can get to be like nothing I’m familiar with and I feel like it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.

My therapist said that he thinks I need “someone to push up against” which is strange because I think of myself as a fully functioning adult. As a kid, though, I was exceptionally well-behaved and good and had minimal needs, so maybe this is what’s showing up in therapy. Although of course I’d like him to reply to my emails, I feel strangely comforted by his saying no, explaining it kindly, and still being there. I guess it makes me feel “held” in a way.

The bolded part would describe me as a kid, too. In some ways, I find stuff that I didn't get to express (or feel comfortable/safe expressing) in childhood coming out in therapy. In one way, feeling OK sharing my needs. But also conflicts that I developmentally should have had with my parents as a teen, they seem to come out at times with current T and did with ex-T/ex-MC. So that's maybe going on for you as well.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 10:26 AM
  #43
I'm hoping the 2 times a week sessions will be helpful to you. I never tried that with former T but it might have made me email her less if I had her more to talk to during the week. I'm sure there still would have been the need to express myself especially after a hard session. I tended to think I "contaminated" her or something like that if we had talked about something bad that had happened to me and I needed a lot of reassurance that I hadn't. I suppose I could have waited until the next session but that would have been really hard. The T I have now doesn't email at all, and I do miss it, but I also find in some ways it's easier. I don't have that anxiety over whether or not she'll respond and stuff. But I also don't feel like we are making the same sort of progress. It's a struggle. I appreciate that. HUGS Kit
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 11:48 AM
  #44
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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Of course it feels bad to be vulnerable and express a need, only to be met with silence. I mean, duh! I'
Well put. Maybe I’ll say this to him next week. I’m not someone who typically asks for things either.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 01:07 PM
  #45
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Yes, the funny thing is that I think I routinely tolerate lots of difficult emotions without “imploding” but this particular instance is just so tough. The anxiety between session can get to be like nothing I’m familiar with and I feel like it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.

My therapist said that he thinks I need “someone to push up against” which is strange because I think of myself as a fully functioning adult. As a kid, though, I was exceptionally well-behaved and good and had minimal needs, so maybe this is what’s showing up in therapy. Although of course I’d like him to reply to my emails, I feel strangely comforted by his saying no, explaining it kindly, and still being there. I guess it makes me feel “held” in a way.
It seems to me very normal for a person to have a high tolerance for certain emotionally charged situations or internal states, yet have a more sensitive spot for others. I think you can let go of what you are "supposed" to be bothered by. In my experience it's helped the intensity of the "wrong" feelings lighten up.

I suspect that those of us who were not allowed to misbehave or (as they say in the south) cause a fuss may often find the anger blooming in therapy. Safe target, maybe, or at least understanding. I think it's clear that your T does not think you are "bad" for asking for replies or writing angry emails. And I'm glad you feel comforted and held, because even if he's not responding like you want him to, he's not ignoring you, shaming you, or trying to get you to do it differently. It sounds like he is patiently listening in and out of session, and trying to work towards helping you-- which may mean not giving you what you want.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 05:54 PM
  #46
The logical part of me is trying to understand what’s going on and I found this quote which I think explains pretty much exactly what he’s doing:

“The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure.” (Winnicott, 1953)
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 05:59 PM
  #47
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Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
The logical part of me is trying to understand what’s going on and I found this quote which I think explains pretty much exactly what he’s doing:

“The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure.” (Winnicott, 1953)
Sure is! My T quoted that at me. I was like, truculently, you're outstripping my ability to deal, your methods are too harsh, you're doing now what was done before when i was a real baby etc etc. I was so unamused.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 06:09 PM
  #48
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Sure is! My T quoted that at me. I was like, truculently, you're outstripping my ability to deal, your methods are too harsh, you're doing now what was done before when i was a real baby etc etc. I was so unamused.
I had to look up the word truculently, Lol. Right now I’m strangely ok with his methods but I reserve the right to change my mind in a few days. Usually about 4 days post-session is when I start feeling all negative.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #49
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I had to look up the word truculently, Lol. Right now I’m strangely ok with his methods but I reserve the right to change my mind in a few days. Usually about 4 days post-session is when I start feeling all negative.
But now you've got 2 sessions so cross fingers you'll not get there whoop whoop !!
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #50
I just asked my T for a second session each week because I only get him eight out of the 12 months of the year as it is. I know he’ll say no but at least I tried.

I hope your second session will help with your anxiety and dealing with all the feels between sessions. Glad you could get it.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 10:40 AM
  #51
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The logical part of me is trying to understand what’s going on and I found this quote which I think explains pretty much exactly what he’s doing:

“The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure.” (Winnicott, 1953)
I have repeatedly told my T not to do this to me and to allow me to naturally "outgrow" a need from her. I think for me, it seems more the need to have my T be a rock I can always return to and she'll welcome me with the same openness and level of support she always has. I equate it to the child that will initially stay right at mother's side, then slowly move out and explore the world. When something stressful happens, will return to the mother in a regressed form of needs. Knowing that I can always need her at whatever level or part of me needs her is a comfort. I feel this allows me to know that it's ok for a part of me to feel scared, vulnerable, and needy at that level and to see/learn how I could respond to that part in a compassionate way rather than being critical of it.

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Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
I had to look up the word truculently, Lol. Right now I’m strangely ok with his methods but I reserve the right to change my mind in a few days. Usually about 4 days post-session is when I start feeling all negative.
Yes, this is what led me to increasing to 2 x a week and it did help there; the flip side was my transference became very strong, painfully strong for a while. It is not the same as it once was. I hope it helps you.

RE the no response to email. I think I would have a major problem with not getting at least what would be equivalent to an auto response indicating that the email was received/delivered. I think in the long run this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm glad to see that it is sitting ok for you as this is your therapy and what your needs are is what is important here.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 01:07 PM
  #52
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RE the no response to email. I think I would have a major problem with not getting at least what would be equivalent to an auto response indicating that the email was received/delivered. I think in the long run this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm glad to see that it is sitting ok for you as this is your therapy and what your needs are is what is important here.
I obviously would prefer a response, but I’m trying to see things from his perspective, and I also don’t love the idea of feeling like I need a response from him. Again, I may have more dramatic feelings about all of this in a couple of days. I think he wants me to know that he is getting and reading my emails without needing proof. Based on our history, I am confident that he reads them in detail and takes them seriously not only because he tells me that he does but because he is able to refer to details even from old emails. Sometimes this is hard for me to remember after I haven’t seen him for a little while. That’s the tough part.
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Default Jan 26, 2019 at 02:26 PM
  #53
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Sometimes this is hard for me to remember after I haven’t seen him for a little while. That’s the tough part.
I hope that 2x a week will help with this.
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Default Jan 27, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #54
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The logical part of me is trying to understand what’s going on and I found this quote which I think explains pretty much exactly what he’s doing:

“The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure.” (Winnicott, 1953)

With stopping emails, your emotions are drawn out to work through in session with your T. This is how it's supposed to work in the therapy you are doing.

You hit on something here-you can't rationalize the why's. The therapy has a way of ending this intellectualizing which takes you out of that world and into your emotional side which, if you were always 'good', likely isn't well connected to yourself and expressed in the world. Your intellect has been overcompensating, and your T is helping you to express it and get to know yourself better; be more like yourself. Unfortunately, the intellectualizing is a defense and through this process it dissolves and leaves you with many painful or uncomfortable feelings.

I don't think you are being irrational; it's a normal response to having a need withheld, and a reaction just about anyone would have in this type of therapy. It can be difficult to tolerate whether one has attachment issues or not.

Also, your mind changes to tolerate distress (part of ego strength). Your T is referring to fragmentation, I think. Your T will temporarily hold your ego together through containment until yours is strong enough, related to the stuff you are reading in Winnicott.

The key is to go along with it and not fight Seriously. That doesn't mean you hold back anger, quite the opposite. I think you're doing fine.
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