[Rive1976]

I feel so crappy right now. I feel like I cant cope with one more diagnosis. Even though I know it has always been there. I feel like Im coming unhinged. The chatter is bad and Im telling it to shut up then I feel bad that I should nuture it. I have had some fleeting SI thoughts that I should just do it because somehow someone might find my trauma out now and I need to keep the chatter from telling. Whatever trauma that may be remembered. I finally get to talk to my daughter though. I dont want to ruin that but I feel myself spiraling. The whole reason I cant talk with my daughter is because I am hospitalized alot. My ex doesnt want to put my daughter through that. That is messed up. Maybe I can SH and that will be enough to help but it will have to be something major to help but not land me in the hospital.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by Dnester

I feel so crappy right now. I feel like I cant cope with one more diagnosis. Even though I know it has always been there. I feel like Im coming unhinged. The chatter is bad and Im telling it to shut up then I feel bad that I should nuture it. I have had some fleeting SI thoughts that I should just do it because somehow someone might find my trauma out now and I need to keep the chatter from telling. Whatever trauma that may be remembered. I finally get to talk to my daughter though. I dont want to ruin that but I feel myself spiraling. The whole reason I cant talk with my daughter is because I am hospitalized alot. My ex doesnt want to put my daughter through that. That is messed up. Maybe I can SH and that will be enough to help but it will have to be something major to help but not land me in the hospital.

How old is your daughter?
As to a "new" diagnosis, when that has happened to me (and it has, many times), I use that as a tool to find out as much about it as I can, and then, going forward, assertively use that tool. For example, "I have V, so I can't do W, but I CAN and WILL do Y." Hope that helps.

[SlumberKitty]

Hi Dnester, I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I know it's hard. Sometimes knowing the diagnosis is much worse than not knowing. But knowing the diagnosis can give you a sort of power that you can use to get better. I'm sorry that you are feeling like you need to SH. That's tough. I do that too so I know what that is like. I hope you can stay safe, but if not, I hope you don't do too much. Can you get an additional appointment from your T this week or an emergency phone call since you feel like you are spiraling? Gentle Hugs Kit

[Anne2.0]

I am sorry that it is so difficult to cope right now. I hope you get to see your daughter soon. As a mother, I can only imagine how hard it is to be separated from her.

I really don't think that SH is the answer. Lots of people are able to distract themselves until the feeling passes. IME feelings don't last forever, nor do urges. What things can you use to help keep you distracted?

[susannahsays]

Hasn't your therapist suggested you call her? Why don't you try that?

About the diagnoses, maybe they can be consolidated.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

How old is your daughter?
As to a "new" diagnosis, when that has happened to me (and it has, many times), I use that as a tool to find out as much about it as I can, and then, going forward, assertively use that tool. For example, "I have V, so I can't do W, but I CAN and WILL do Y." Hope that helps.

My daughter is 15 and I have only seen her six times in past five years.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Hi Dnester, I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I know it's hard. Sometimes knowing the diagnosis is much worse than not knowing. But knowing the diagnosis can give you a sort of power that you can use to get better. I'm sorry that you are feeling like you need to SH. That's tough. I do that too so I know what that is like. I hope you can stay safe, but if not, I hope you don't do too much. Can you get an additional appointment from your T this week or an emergency phone call since you feel like you are spiraling? Gentle Hugs Kit

I emailed her she didnt say much helpful.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by Dnester

I emailed her she didnt say much helpful.

I'm sorry you didn't find her email helpful. Didn't you mention this was the pattern recently? That you email her telling her you want to SH, she replies and you don't find it helpful - you don't feel like she cares? So then you SH?

[Rive1976]

Yes but its a little more than that now. Its not about her caring right now. Its about the fact I cant cope with this new diagnosis. I dont understand it. She says her opinion is I am DID but I dont experience alters and she said that I am not like Sybil. So how can I be DID and not be like Sybil? One morning recently about 3 oclock I woke up with bad heartburn. I said to myself we need to go get some water ( my dad does not keep milk and I am anti heartburn meds because of all the side effects on tv recently) I have some unusual self talk as well. So she thinks I have parts but they arent that strong. I mentioned to her I felt SI but not really bad just fleeting thoughts and she said SI is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was like wow thats all you have to say. Didnt help me through anything. Like talk about why I had those thoughts. On the plus side I talked to my mother about the diagnosis and she was supportive. Gave no mention of whether she thought it was true or not but as supportive as I can expect from my mother.

[susannahsays]

Well, first off, please do not use the depiction of Sybil as your model of DID.

Secondly, milk will make heartburn worse, not better.

Finally, your description of parts that aren't strong makes me confused about your DID diagnosis. To have DID, you have to have "The existence of two or more distinct identities (or “personality states”). The distinct identities are accompanied by changes in behavior, memory and thinking. The signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual."

That doesn't seem to fit you. My understanding is that people who have "weak parts," as you put it, are diagnosed with Other Specified Dissociative Disorder or Unspecified Dissociative Disorder, not DID. So I'm confused about why your therapist and the former psychologist diagnosed you with DID, when you don't have distinct personality states apparent to you or to your therapist. Are you sure it was DID and not OSDD/UDD/DD NOS you were diagnosed with? I seem to recall you saying something about DD NOS in the past.

[Rive1976]

I recall being told by my old Psychologist that I was DD NOS which is now OSDD from what others tell me. My T said when she talked to her that I had been given the diagnoses of DID and she basically supports that. I do agree I do not fit it. On Wed I am going to remind my therapist that I was not diagnosed DID but DDNOS and explain to her why I dont think DID fits. I am confused about why she would tell me Im not like Sybil if she does believe I have DID because that just doesnt add up. It just doesnt make sense. I will try to clear it up Wed. If I do have DD NOS which is now OSDD can I have DID like symptoms but not full criteria or is OSDD something entirely different? Basically can I have OSDD and have not very strong alters who dont lose time. I mean I took a OSDD self test and I dont even really fit.

[susannahsays]

I'm sorry, but once again, I feel like your therapist is sending up red flags of her incompetence. I wonder if she has even looked at the diagnostic criteria, or if she is just talking out of her ***, as seems to be her MO.

Yes, you can have OSDD and have not very strong alters who don't lose time. Alternatively, UDD might fit you better. I'm not a clinician, so I can't diagnose you. However, it doesn't really seem like your therapist has the necessary knowledge to diagnose you, either. Knowing that, I hope you will try not to allow whatever diagnosis she goes with to overly distress you.

[Rive1976]

How is UDD and OSDD different?

[susannahsays]

OSDD has two different subtypes - I don't really know the details, but the gist is that it's like DID, but more flexible on certain criteria related to amnesia and distinctness of alters. UDD is a dissociative disorder that isn't really like DID - so the criteria are more general.

[susannahsays]

Might be worth asking her if she has a DSM-5 so she can go over the criteria with you. She ought to have one. And if she doesn't, you could check at a university library if there's one near you. They will most likely have one.

[susannahsays]

Actually, I can scan them from my uni library if the copies aren't all checked out on Monday if you need me to.

[Anne2.0]

Are you sure it's helpful to you to focus on a diagnosis, especially when it's your goal to see your child more often? It seems to me that it might make sense to put this on the back burner while you work on skills that might help you avoid the hospital. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but trying to diagnose yourself via internet sources isn't really a good substitute for a licensed clinician who knows you and is actually qualified to do so.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Actually, I can scan them from my uni library if the copies aren't all checked out on Monday if you need me to.

That would be great!

[susannahsays]

Ok, I'll get them to you - but please do also talk about this with your therapist. Maybe you have an alter you aren't even aware of (this is not usual), and that's the reason she has diagnosed you with DID. Not saying that to freak you out, just trying to think of possibilities and be fair to your therapist despite my reservations based on her loosy goosy way of doing things. You really won't know her reasoning unless you discuss this with her. And I do agree with Anne that prioritizing some skills to help you cope with distress might be helpful at this time, particularly given that you're finding this diagnosis business so overwhelming. When do you see your therapist next?

[Rive1976]

Thanks! I already know why she told me that because I have referred to myself as we and because I say odd things to myself. I call it chatter. It isnt coming from an outside source like schziophrenia. It doesnt seem to be a distinct alter though. I called my old Psychologist yesterday and said Hey why did you diagnose me that? She said I am working with your therapist on that she is doing supervision under me. She will be able to assess you for this now. I taught her how. Then she said if you need me call me. So I was um ok. She doesnt have my records they were destroyed because more than 7 years have passed. I think she doesnt really remember me and is just teaching my T the ropes of DID so she can help me. So this is all weird. This started when I was thinking about some symptoms I told my T about. I thought hey maybe she can talk to me old Psychologist and see what she said about this stuff and maybe I can find out if I mentioned some trauma I forgot about to help my t who is EMDR trained. Now it seems my old Psychologist doesnt really remember me and is going on some vague memory of my diagnosis anf has my new T convinced I have this and shes not trained but is now getting trained under her who cant even say why thats my diagnosis but I am basically her guinea pig right? Since my T no records to go on. I guess I will find out more Wed when I ask more questions. I told my T in a email today that I was NOT diagnosed DID that I was dianosed DDNOS and I am not sure why thats even the case when I dont lose time. So I will see what she says.