I think I screwed it up

*I see a psychiatrist at a day hospital, it's public*

A month ago I asked my psychiatrist to be referred to somewhere else because my depressive episode got so bad I couldn't stand the feeling that everybody hate me and I shouldn't be there, I must be an useful human being and it's seems I have no right to feel like this. I have been pretending to be OK because of these feelings

I didn't told him the reason why I said I wanted to see another psychiatrist in another place (he is the only psychiatrist that works there). Today he told me he had finished the discharge report draft and wanted me to read it before sending it.

Last week I started to take my AD again and finally could sleep after a month without being able to sleep more than 3 hours (my psychiatrist didn't know it either), I wasn't thinking clearly and I thought the best was to just dissappear... Now I wonder if these feelings could be changed and, maybe, there is no need to see another psychiatrist. Today I wrote a note telling him why I asked him to see someone else.

I feel I have wasted his time, since he had already finished the report draft... The idea of saying "Oh, maybe I was wrong" makes me really ashamed, I feel still more like a ****.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

You said you started taking your AD again. Do you mean, you had not been taking it for some time? Do you go on and off your meds randomly? If yes, this could explain the change in your mood.

I stopped it 6 months ago since it wasn't helping with depression, my mood kept going worse, I didn't notice any difference. I still could sleep as well as when I was taking it until november.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I wonder about your mood because I have been on many and I mean many psych meds and I have never heard of the medications you are taking. If you want to sleep Invega works well but it is kind of dangerous.

It sounds like the medication started to work and you were able to think differently about your situation. It might help things if you tell your PDOC when you don't take your meds because it can help them know how to help you better. I don't think you've done anything irreparable, and I hope you can stay with your PDOC if you so choose. Wishing you goodness, and sending you HUGS Kit

Tianeptine is a rare AD that works different from the rest, actually it is not known how it works and therefore, it is not approved in many countries. Its chemical structure is tricyclic but it doesn't act like a tricyclic AD. In france it has been used since 80s. Where I live it was approved around 5 years ago.

Nortriptyline is a tricyclic AD, an old one, the active metabolite of amitriptyline. It is well known. Less sedating than most of tricyclic AD.

I cannot take most of AD and AP since I am a really poor CYP2D6 metabolizer. Most of AD (except bupropion and tianeptine) and AP (except, as far as I remember, clozapine and amisulpride that is easily excreted through urine without being metabolized) are cleared from the body mainly through that enzyme in the liver and then excreted through urine.
I have tried a lot of SSRI, SNRI and AP and I always ended up intoxicated.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

My pdoc knew I had stopped my AD and he agreed with it

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Then I am confused by why you think you screwed up. I was assuming you felt that way because you had unilaterally and secretly stopped taking your AD, become dysregulated as a result, and requested transfer. But I don't understand how it's a screw up for you and your psychiatrist to agree on a med change that doesn't end up working out. Don't beat yourself up about this.

The med change didn't make the depression worse, it was already worsening when I was taking it.

Taking it again made me sleep better and think more clearly, but i don't feel ok.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I still don't understand how this is a screw up. Depression is a mental illness. Sometimes depression even skews our perception of things - as you seem to have noticed. I think your guilt over this has more to do with depression than anything else. I understand regretting that your psychiatrist spent time writing a report. However, the reason he did that was because you were experiencing (in my opinion) delusions related to your mental illness. That is not a "screw up" on your part.

I don't know if it depression or just myself, I am not completely sure what is true and what isn't true. I am depressed but which thoughts are from depression?

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I feel they only want to hurt me or even kill me

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Yeah, your thoughts don't sound rational at all. Have you ever had issues with psychosis or delusions? Have you explicitly told your psychiatrist that you believe they want to hurt or even kill you? Because that is a really serious symptom that is unlikely to get better on its own.

Uh, I have had some issues with hallucinations in the past and was diagnosed with psychosis NOS. Anyway, my pdoc doesn't think I suffer from a psychotic disorder since I have a good insight.

I haven't told him I sense they want to hurt me, but I don't think it is a good idea to tell him such a thing, he will deny it and say he just wants to help me. Nobody would admit it. And it could be other him who actually wants to hurt me and not the real him. Some people are like duplicated.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

On monday I talked to my therapist/psychiatrist around 5 minutes, he wanted to talk longer but I didn't feel well being there (I told him). I left him two letters.

He told me he thinks I don't want to go somwhere else.

More meds.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

OliverB How are you feeling about taking more meds?

I don't know.

I am trying to focus on college.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I talked to my psychiatrist. He looked, irascible, angry and frustrated even if he believed me (he said I was having a depressive episode, kinda severe). I don't understand his anger since last time he said he believed I didn't want to go somewhere else. He said if I directly said I would kill myself, He would be obligated to IP me. I told him I would rather die than being IP again, and I hate the fact that I have nowehere to go when I need help (being IP never helped me, just traumatized me).

Finnaly he told me the psych nurse was going to call another place to get an appointment with another doctor for me.

He said "see you never" when I said "Bye".....
It hurted a bit.

I guess I annoyed him, I don't know how or why.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I'm sorry OliverB. That sounds really harsh of your PDOC. HUGS Kit

omg, he actually said “See you never”?! Is he 5?!?!