[stopdog]

Originally Posted by snowangel17

I have to disagree with this. I don't think you can be "too sensitive" about things. The world needs people who are more sensitive IMO. And him saying it's not a criticism but an observation....hmmm not sure that's entirely correct. It's based on an opinion, his opinion ....where is the line between being just sensitive and "too" sensitive?

Edited to add: Yup I have a bee in my bonnet about people calling people 'too sensitive"

I am just the opposite. I think there is an ability to be overly sensitive and that it hinders a lot of things and is used at times to control others. I think the world needs more people who are not wallowing around in their feelings or using how sensitive they are to control others.

[hopealwayz]

Happy birthday, LT!

[comrademoomoo]

I experience some personal discomfort when I read your posts. I feel disconcerted that the therapeutic intensity appears to be all on your shoulders. You seem to consistently raise difficult and painful relational issues (including some ideas about their intrapsychic origin or the relevance of psychodynamic interpretations) whilst your therapist shrugs or fudges or encourages a surface interpretation. It's interesting that you describe two imagined feelings which he has about you - he is critical or he is fascinated. These are polar responses and relatively extreme reactions for a therapist to have. What if he isn't either of those things? I have a sense that he isn't engaged in the same kind of therapeutic conservations as you are.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by snowangel17

I have to disagree with this. I don't think you can be "too sensitive" about things. The world needs people who are more sensitive IMO. And him saying it's not a criticism but an observation....hmmm not sure that's entirely correct. It's based on an opinion, his opinion ....where is the line between being just sensitive and "too" sensitive?

Edited to add: Yup I have a bee in my bonnet about people calling people 'too sensitive"

It is a fallacy of logic to argue that the lack of a clear delineation between sensitivity and too much sensitivity is evidence that there is no such thing as too much sensitivity.

I think there is definitely such a thing as being too sensitive, and it seems to me that denying this is shifting the responsibility for managing the too sensitive person's emotions onto other people - which is something people who are too sensitive sometimes do, directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally. That is not helpful for anybody.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Just to clarify the first part, I didn't say that *H* wasn't fun anymore. I said I missed when we would be playful and silly together. I was putting myself in there, too. Like, it was something that both of us weren't doing. Not just him. I think I made that fairly clear to him, both at night and in the morning. And I was trying to say I felt like that change happened way before the cheating, wondering if it had to do with us being parents, etc. He was saying that the ex-MC relationship changed after the cheating, not so much our relationship.

Gotcha. Still, maybe it would be helpful to view what he said more in the lens of he was trying to contribute to the conversation and talk about your relationship. I think that's something you've expressed wanting more of, so maybe instead of dwelling on the fact that you felt blindsided and hurt by what he brought up, you could take it as a positive that he was reflecting and sharing his perspective. Or, if not "instead of," maybe "in addition to?"

[unaluna]

Agree with susannah. It is notable that you report you catch yourself doing this with t: you write, "previously i would have bitten his head off, but this time i listened and understood." So only a matter of time before you do this with h too?

Huge step, doing that with t, btw.

[Anastasia~]

Being sensitive is not a choice, at least not for me. I don't "wallow in my own emotions," because I am too busy trying to tolerate them, taking meds..to modulate them or doing whatever to just become numb. Emotional dysregulation /sensitivity is a curse, at least for me. I agree that it hinders me, as in my social anxiety, and I would do anything to not be this way.

This post is meant to be factual in regard to my own experience, it is not a result of my sensitivity about being sensitive.

[susannahsays]

I think everybody wallows in their own emotions sometimes. I do, at least. I'm also the world record holder for longest sulk. I'm really fun at parties, promise.

If only Adele had written a song called wallowing in the deep, it would have been much more fun... just a completely random thought from my mind to yours. You're welcome.

ETA: Just realized my profile pic looks like she's having a good wallow or sulk... that's probably why I picked it, she looks nice and disgruntled like me. Hmm...

[Amyjay]

Just from reading through your posts here about your conversations with T re: "appropriate" reasons for calling I would think the safest or most appropriate thing to do would be just to have a no-phone call policy. Why? Because angsting about whether or not you are in "enough" crisis to warrant calling him or not is going to add SO much more to whatever crisis you could ever be experiencing that it is likely going to be far more dangerous to allow calls in "crisis" situations. If you had a blanket-rule about no phone calls to T you would have far more internal resources available to devote to actually implementing self-care strategies. Having all this extra contact with T is your go-to. You don't have to figure out things for yourself. You don't have to find a way to tolerate unpleasant emotions yourself. Your need for contact may even actually generate crises in order to warrant it. So much of your time and emotional energy goes into internally debating about whether or not to contact, whether or not to email. I don't think that escalating this to calling on the phone will help you at all.

[unaluna]

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I tend to agree that having a very clear policy about phone calls is important.
Either calls are allowed if there's any struggle at all. This is what my T allows, I can pretty much call for whatever reason. We might talk about it if my T worries that I might become too dependent on him or just call because I miss him. But that so far never meant that I couldn't call anymore.
Or then calls are not allowed at all, but are certainly not reserved for 'particularly bad situations'. I say this because I have experienced very similar things in my life before. I'd get a response from people if I was doing badly enough. So sometimes I'd probably just miss those people and it'd cause me to spiral to a crisis, because then I actually got that contact. Or I'd already be in crisis and had to think about whether to call somebody because I was scared they might not answer, which would make matters worse.

I also kind of feel that if you are in a crisis, a phone call is simply not enough. Either you can see your T in person, which can be scheduled via text or email, or you go to the ER (or of course wait until you can see your T). Therapy on the phone doesn't work well, you don't see the person and can't judge how they're currently doing.

[DP_2017]

I agree that no call is best. I can see the wonder if its ok or whatever being so insanely stressful and making it all worse. Might be best to think of a different alternative for crisis times.

[JaneTennison1]

I know when I saw ex T 1 I was so enmeshed that I would want her to take my calls, she was on my list but I would only half heartedly do the other things so I would get to what I wanted which was the call. She was also very ambiguous about whether calls were ok. Over time she would not answer and I became more anxious, it was awful.

Current T and I have discussed it and come to the agreement of no calls. I will sometimes text during office hours to see if she has time for a 5 min call, which I pay for. I have done that about 3 times in 2 1/2 years. If I call she never ever picks up and I like it that way. There is no ambiguity and so no fixation or anxiety on my part. No wondering if she "cares enough" and will pick up. I hope your T can be very clear. I get the sense for the most part he is not ok with calls (from what you say) but doesn't want to cut off something that may be a lifeline.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

It is a fallacy of logic to argue that the lack of a clear delineation between sensitivity and too much sensitivity is evidence that there is no such thing as too much sensitivity.

I think there is definitely such a thing as being too sensitive, and it seems to me that denying this is shifting the responsibility for managing the too sensitive person's emotions onto other people - which is something people who are too sensitive sometimes do, directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally. That is not helpful for anybody.

I wasn't arguing the point that the 'lack of a clear delineation between sensitivity and too much sensitivity is evidence that there is no such thing as too much sensitivity.' but merely stating it is a subjective statement. Where is the line between being 'too sensitve' and 'just sensitive enough that it's a good thing? To me most people seem to label someone 'too sensitive' when it impacts themselves. It is also often used as a form of placing 'blame' on another person.

Many people including you think there is such a thing being 'too sensitive' and that is fine. That is yours/their opinion which I happen to disagree with but that's ok! IMO there is a big difference between being sensitive to things/people/experiences and lack of emotional regulation. One is about myself and my experience and one often impacts others. I am responsible for how I feel and how I respond to that. I don't get to choose how I feel but it is mine. I don't blame others intentionally or unintentionally but by the nature of social interactions, sometimes others will directly or indirectly do or say something that contributes to how I feel.

Another poster mentioned it as a tool for manipulation? This is something different entirely. There is a big difference between 'feeling' things more intensely than others and 'being so sensitive to things/people and using it as a tool for manipulation' . Can people use it for manipulation? Yes, sure they can but so can many things. They are not the same.

That is not helpful for anybody.

Also, How is my opinion on something not helpful to anybody? This is a public forum where differing opinions on topics are meant to be welcome. This is not a black and white topic with a right or wrong answer! Bit harsh of a statement if you ask me but heh ho 'maybe I'm just too sensitive"

[susannahsays]

@snowangel17 When I said that's not helpful to anybody, I was not referring to your post. I was referring to the behavior I had described in the sentence immediately before that. Why would you think the final sentence of that paragraph was a commentary on your participation on the forum? I don't get it.

ETA: Just read the last bit of what you said where you make what you think is a clever remark about your sensitivity. It seems to me that in this instance at least, you were being too sensitive.

[snowangel17]

Ahh yes, I see now after reading it again how it could have meant the behaviour and not my post. I was reading whilst distracted so did not fully consider which you were referring to and perhaps jumped the gun a bit but could have been either so thanks for the clarification. It was my hastiness to read and respond before having to run out th door though not necessarily my sensitivity .
As for the ending remark about my sensitivity. I wasn't trying to be clever I was making a lighthearted joke at my own expense based on your comment on it not being helpful! Hard to get the full tone of a post across via message boards.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by snowangel17

There is a big difference between 'feeling' things more intensely than others and 'being so sensitive to things/people and using it as a tool for manipulation' . Can people use it for manipulation? Yes, sure they can but so can many things. They are not the same.

What are you talking about? The topic that stopdog and I mentioned was people who are too sensitive. If you're talking about something separate, why are you responding as if we also spoke on the topic you are talking about? You acknowledge that there are people who are too sensitive who use it as a way to manipulate others. I don't understand what the point of contention is. I don't really know what you mean by people who feel things more intensely, but you're arguing with me that they "aren't the same" when I haven't even mentioned such a group, nor made such a claim. I exclusively mentioned too much sensitivity and that people who are too sensitive sometimes shift the responsibility for managing their emotions onto external parties. Notice that I never claimed that all people that I see as too sensitive do this.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

What are you talking about? The topic that stopdog and I mentioned was people who are too sensitive. If you're talking about something separate, why are you responding as if we also spoke on the topic you are talking about? You acknowledge that there are people who are too sensitive who use it as a way to manipulate others. I don't understand what the point of contention is. I don't really know what you mean by people who feel things more intensely, but you're arguing with me that they "aren't the same" when I haven't even mentioned such a group, nor made such a claim. I exclusively mentioned too much sensitivity and that people who are too sensitive sometimes shift the responsibility for managing their emotions onto external parties. Notice that I never claimed that all people that I see as too sensitive do this.

The start of that sentence says. "Another poster mentioned'. It did not say you or stop dog said this. I'm bowing out of this conversation now as I feel we have both got our POV across.

[susannahsays]

We were the only two who made those comments...

I hope I did not scare you away from the thread. I am very opinionated, and love a good debate, but I did not intend to come across as hostile.

[snowangel17]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

We were the only two who made those comments...

I hope I did not scare you away from the thread. I am very opinionated, and love a good debate, but I did not intend to come across as hostile.

Ah right maybe it was stopdog who said it about manipulation then I was reading the posts quite quickly so couldn't remember who said it just knew it wasn't you.

No, you didn't scare me off.......well....maybe just a little ..... I did receive your responses as a bit hostile and did start to feel hostility back so thought a break would be good..that and I am running around the place so can't give my full attention to my responses. I did remind myself though that any hostility I felt may might not be how they were actually meant (maybe they were....but maybe not hard to know on a message board at times) .. all is good though thanks for clarifying