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Old 03-15-2019, 05:32 PM #131
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
I think I'm the only female who does not carry a purse, never have. I've only ever used wallets. People could look at that if they wanted, it's just cards and pics of my dogs in there lol
No you’re not the only one. I’ve never liked carrying a purse.
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:33 PM #132
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Yes, I think that's sort of what it felt like! I mean, I'd just reached in there for something and left it sitting open. I mean, I suppose it says something about me that my purse is a bit of a mess and I have a bunch of tissues in there, but eh...It didn't really bother me enough to say anything, just struck me as an odd thing for him to comment on.
That is an odd thing for him to comment on, lol
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:15 PM #133
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post

So I pulled out the paper from my purse, plus my glasses. T glanced in my purse: "Are those tissues?" Me: "Yes." T: "Used or unused?" Me: "Mainly unused. Along with glasses, sunglasses, wallet, lipstick, hand sanitizer. I know I need to clean it out." T: "Well, it all seems necessary except the tissues."
Was he grossed out by the fact that some of them were used? Not saying that's okay or there was anything to be grossed out by ...just some people are odd like that
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Old 03-24-2019, 01:12 PM #134
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I took it like- were you crying or are you okay on the tissues
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Old 03-24-2019, 02:13 PM #135
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I wasn't sure if he was grossed out or just puzzled that I had so many tissues in my purse. But he sees how many I use in session sometimes! I used to always take them with me, but now I usually throw them in his trash can before I leave. Not sure if that has any meaning or not.



Will update this thread more later!
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Old 03-25-2019, 02:26 AM #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I used to always take them with me, but now I usually throw them in his trash can before I leave. Not sure if that has any meaning or not.
I cried the other week and took them all with me. T said I could put them in his bin and I refused. I know there must be some meaning there for me.
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Old 03-30-2019, 01:47 PM #137
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Doing writeups of Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday sessions, though in separate posts. Much of the Mon. and Wed. stuff got addressed/resolved Thursday. But I thought it might be helpful for me to type it all out.

Monday: Went back and sat down. I told him how I'd done pretty good with the drinking that week, had set limits for myself and stuck to them. That it almost felt like a switch had gone off that changed my thinking about it, but I was afraid it wouldn't last. He said I should celebrate my successes. We talked about how if I slipped up, that it was OK, to just start back up again.

I mentioned March Madness (college basketball tournament) and started by saying how I'd been doing well in my brackets (where you pick the winners of each round). T was impressed. I said I had more of a purpose to talking about it though. How I associate March Madness with ex-MC, because he's a big college basketball fan, and we used to talk about the tournament. And like I'd emailed him congrats when his alma mater won in first round a few years ago. And he'd give me advice on it, which one year helped me win the pool. And led to a joke I'd shared with T before (shared it briefly again). T said it's good I didn't ask him for advice because he didn't know. Which led him to saying he's not really a particular fan of any sport or team, which people (including clients) tend to find odd, considering some of his work is with athletes. I said I'd just figured he was into something that I wasn't, like soccer, and he said, "Nope!"

I said Thursday night (first day of tournament) had been really difficult for me. Because it was the first time since we'd stopped seeing ex-MC (guess we terminated right at end of tournament last year). I said I was just sitting there sobbing and feeling really awful. That my beer limit that day had been 4, I'd already had those, and was trying to keep myself from having another drink, even though I wanted one. That I wanted to email T, but I figured I was probably at the level (frequency) where he'd charge me for the email, and I didn't want that. A couple of the friends I'd usually talk to weren't available. And because it was about missing ex-MC, I didn't feel OK talking to H about it.

T said he figured I would have wanted to email ex-MC. I said I knew I couldn't do that, how I'd also made a Dear T post about that, did he want to hear it? T said to go ahead.

Crying, I read the following: "Dear ex-MC, Watching March Madness is making me think of you, especially because your school was in the tournament (though already eliminated). If this was, say, 6 months ago, maybe I'd have emailed you or something. But not now. In 2 weeks, it will be a year since I've seen you. I'm not going to say anything about that either. Only here. And I want to tell you that I'm really working on the alcohol thing now, and that T is helping me and being supportive instead of judgmental. But I won't. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell that I can't. But I won't. Because I can't."

I said how 6 months ago I probably would have emailed him. And the previous year, we were near termination and I was angry at him, so watching didn't have the same effect on me. T: "It sounds like you're in a different stage in your grief now." Me: "Yeah, I guess so." I said I needed to share something else about Thursday night, even though I felt awkward sharing it. I went back to how I was trying to not have another drink and also trying to not email T.

Possible trigger:

I continued: "I ended up not doing any of those things, but it was a really rough few hours trying to get through it. I felt like I was really white-knuckling it. I ended up writing you two separate emails over the course of the night--which obviously I didn't send. And plus D was awake much of the night with a bad cold, so I was also awake and sitting there thinking."

T said in terms of the drinking, maybe I was trying to push too hard too quickly. That maybe it should be more, if I really want a drink, just decide to wait, say, 20 minutes, even set timer on my phone. Then if after 20 minutes I still want one, try to wait another 10 minutes. Then if I still want one, to have it, because I still managed to wait 30 minutes, it was progress. I said OK. It wasn't the response I'd expected to what I shared with him. And I wasn't sure how to react or what to say, so I just sort of agreed that maybe I was pushing myself too quickly and expecting too much of myself all at once.

I said how something else related had bothered me after last session, but I knew rationally what it was about, so I didn't even know if I should mention it. T said to go ahead. Me: "Well, last session you mentioned how [backup T] was an expert on addiction, so maybe I should talk to her about some of the questions I had for you. And you said I could have even met with her in place of one of the sessions with you this week. And I know what you were doing, you were just trying to help me get more of an expert opinion." T: "Yes, and also trying to be mindful of your finances and insurance, since you might not have wanted to see her once and me twice because of that." Me: "Yes, I know that intellectually and I appreciate that. But it also made me feel sort of, I don't know, abandoned or rejected, like you were just trying to pawn me off on her." T: "I'm sorry I made you feel rejected." Me: "Thanks. The thing is, like I said, I rationally and intellectually know what you were doing, that you were just trying to help. But this other part of me, this kid part maybe, felt like you're trying to get rid of me or that you don't want to deal with the addiction part. And I feel like...OK, I wrote about this in the other email I wrote but didn't send." T: "When did you write that one?" Me: "Like 2 am when I was up with D." T: "OK."

Me: "I kind of want to read you part of it but it's maybe a bit cheesy or pathetic." T: "Well, now you have to share it." Me: "OK..." I proceeded to read the following excerpt, through tears: "I think it's partly that you feel like this anchor, that would be there for me as I'm working through the alcohol stuff. ...I was feeling like I could really trust you to be there, to support me in this difficult path, that whatever happened, however I might succeed or stumble along the way, you'd be there. Maybe a lighthouse is a better analogy. But it felt like, 'OK, you're there, I can do this. I'm ready to do this.' And now as I'm embarking on the really difficult part, you're suggesting I spend part of next week with someone else. And yes, I get your reasoning, but I also really need your support right now. Yes, I know, I have [H] and others, but you play a different role than them for me. I just need to know that you're going to be there. I don't know, maybe in some ways your suggesting I go to AA or other meetings feels like some sort of rejection in a way, too. Again, I know rationally that you are trying to help me and make sure I have all the support I need. But in a way it feels like, 'OK, the addiction part of you, other people need to deal with that. Not me.'" I really sobbed as I said the last line: "I need you in this; I need you there with me to help guide me."

T replied, sort of matter-of-factly: "That's my intention." I was just sort of like, "OK. Thanks." I felt like I'd just let myself be really vulnerable, and he was kinda just like, "Yep." Of course then we had to stop (I think we were a couple minutes over).

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for the next week. In scheduling for the next Thursday, he started to say, "Sorry to spring this on you, but...wait, actually I have my dates wrong. I will be there Thursday. Not going away till Friday." Me: "OK, good. But are you going away for like a week?" T: "No, it won't affect our regular schedule." Me: "OK, good." Went over and paid. I don't recall what he said when I left and we shook hands, probably just "have a good week." Felt pretty emotional after I left. Resisted emailing him, but ended up texting him the next morning to see if he had anything before Thursday instead of that session. He said "I was able to create a slot at 12:30 Wednesday, does that work for you?" So it sounded like he'd adjusted his schedule. I took it. Will add the other sessions later tonight/tomorrow. Feel free to comment if you want (but please not about how I want to dictate what people say).



Last edited by LonesomeTonight; 03-30-2019 at 02:31 PM.
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Old 03-30-2019, 04:00 PM #138
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Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar experience in session this week of T responding in a rather “matter of fact” way to something that was very vulnerable and emotional for me. I was a little thrown off guard and I’m wondering if I should bring it up to her. I don’t think it’s that you (or I) want to dictate what people say but that maybe we’re hypervigilant in our concern or worry that someone is annoyed or frustrated with us. So if their response seems cool or short we jump to conclusions. At least for me, I immediately start to doubt myself . But that’s one of my many reasons for attending therapy....

Sorry just realized I made this response all about me! But your experience resonated with me a lot.
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Old 03-30-2019, 04:20 PM #139
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you are so brave to be so honest with your T!
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Old 03-30-2019, 04:53 PM #140
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I think his matter-of-factness shows the seam where the way you do therapy as a client butts up against the way he does therapy as a therapist. It's not really about trying to dictate what he says, necessarily. You wanted to experience the emotion and for your aching vulnerability to be seen and appreciated on a deep level. He wanted you to know that he's solid and committed to helping you change, but he isn't going to bring emotion into it like that. So I think it makes sense that you find the contrast jarring. That's kind of a theme or ongoing point of contrast for the two of you. I've had nearly identical moments with my T, and she handles them very differently. Is there something comforting about the predictability of his response at least, though?
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